"If you're not down with that, we got just two words for ya: **** **!!!" -- Degenerated X, 1998
Welcome to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog, better known as NUMBER SIXTY-FREAKING-FIVE IN THE LATEST IWC 1,000!!! That's right; read it and weep, boys. That means I'm the best of the best of anyone who has ever written anything on the Internet (except for 64 other people, of course). EVER!!! In your face, Dory Funk II, Breadshaw, and That Guy I've Never Heard Of!!!
Life has changed dramatically since yours truly was ranked on the list. Just yesterday, in fact, a pizza-delivery company offered to send me my dinner in thirty minutes or, get this, the whole damn thing was FREE!!! No questions asked! Incredible. Not to mention that I was offered an unbelievable deal to save money on my long distance phone calls. And that was BEFORE the ICW 10,000 came out. How did they know?
Anyways, as my promise to you, the faithful readers who voted me number one, I will NOT allow the fame to go to my head. Here's this week's EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED trivia question.
Who else should I have been ranked ahead of: (a) The Obscure Angle columnist and blatant liar Jab Tennessee Lung (b) Whinerboard Owner and blatant liar CZR (c) Scott 'I'm Dumb So I Only Gave That Match With Hardwood Holly One Star' Keeth (d) Raw Parody columnist Matt 'Look At Me – I'm Funny Because I Make Fun Of Other People' Horking (e) Oldline Oldslut Co-General Manager Rick `I Promised Bulldog He'd Make Millions' Scherer (f) Everyone!!!
Answer at the end of this colu… oh, why wait? The answer, much like the grade my high school teachers gave me repeatedly, is F. Woo hoo! In your face, losers!!!
Onto the sadly less-important news…
There's a new sheriff in town and his name is Sheriff Austen, as in Stoned Cold Steve!!! I don't know how he got around his Loser Must Retire Forever stipulation from Surviving Series, but The Memphis Rattlesnake is back and doing what he does best – talking.
Speaking of The Bionic Neckred, I understand that WWE Films Division, which is the films division for the WWE, has offered Austen a role in an upcoming movie!!! According to my top-level source email@example.com, it will be called 'Stacker 2 Theater Presents The Adventures of Sheriff Austin' (don't know why they're misspelling the name `Austen'. Maybe it's a legal thing?)
Anyways, totalbs was kind enough to send me this excerpt from the script:
When we last left off, Marshal Bischoff had just tied Fair Stacy to the railroad tracks. He begins twirling his moustache and cackling maniacally.
Booker T Cassidy: Sheriff Austin! Austin: What? Booker T: It's Bischoff. He's tied Fair Stacy to the train tracks! Austin: What? Booker T: I know, I can't believe it either, but we… Austin: What? Booker T: I said… Austin: What? Booker T: Damn, this is even worse than dealing with Deputy Sheriff Rocky. Sucka's always cutting me off after asking me for my name… Hey, Sheriff! Wait! Where you going? Austin: To the saloon, ya silly jackass. Time tah drink a little beer. Booker T: But what about Stacy? Austin: What? Booker T: Jeez, I'll just go save her myself… Austin: If you wanna see me go and rescue Fair Stacy, gimme an 'Oh Hell Yeah!" Booker T: Dawg… it's just me here. I already asked you to rescue her. Austin:(To his trusty horse Whoop Ass) Giddyup! What? I said, giddyup (gives horse the stunner)
Meanwhile, back at the tracks…
Bischoff: Muhahahahaha! In just a matter of minutes, my dear, the train will be here and you will face an untimely death. Just like WCW! Stacy: Big deal. I've been headed for that since they started pairing me with Scott Steiner. Bischoff: Silence! Ahh, here comes the train, right on time.
Desperado Kane is driving the train with a sick, demented look on his face. He's about to run over the dame, when who should appear but…
JR Hoss: Business is about to pick up, folks. It's Straightshooter Shane O' Mack! The fastest draw in the West, bah gawd!!! Jerry The Cattle-Rustler Lawler: Woo-hoo! Look at Stacy! Puppies, JR!!!
Shane O'Mack easily dispatches Kane and his thugs until Gunslingin' Triple H shows up and cleans house.
HHH: Now, Fair Stacy, it's time to play the game! Ric-y The Kid: Uh, champ. She's already gone… HHH: @#!! SOMEONE IS GOING DOWN TONIGHT!
What will happen when Sheriff Austin gets his hands on Gunslingin' HHH? Tune in next week for the next episode of… Stacker 2 Theater Presents The Adventures of Sheriff Austin
Wow – I can't wait for that one to hit the big screen!
As you all know, the WWE's next pay-per-view spectacular, The Regal Rumble is just two days away. It's one of my favorite events of the year because no one knows who will come out on top – not even the writers!!!
In case you are too stupid to remember, here are the rules of the event: Every two minutes, two new wrestlers enter the fray until all 30 are in the ring. There must be no cooperation amongst the wrestlers. There are no friends in the Rumble – IT IS EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!! THAT IS THE WAY IT MUST BE!!!
Here are a few of the wrestlers who have already signed up:
John Ceno, Hurricane Helmsley, The Retired Nathan Johns, Super Rosie, The World's Nicest Man Mick Henry, The Full-Bodied Italians, Legendary Killer Randy Orson, Triple HHH, Big Show, Little Show, Medium Show, Deacon Bautista, D-Lo Dudley, The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain, Kur Tangle, Les Guerreros, The Test, Scotty Too Steiner, Triple HHH, Eggs, Milk, Bread (oops, sorry, that's my grocery list), Heartburn Kid Shane McMichaels, Harvey Dee, Jimmy Noble, Zak 'Don't Call Me Larry' Gowan, The AAA, Sucker T, Goldendust, Rodney Max, That Guy, Scotty The Hotty, Gay Kim, Rikishi Phatu And Your Mother Too, Ernest 'The Cat In The Hat' Mueller, His Butler, Triple HHH, Ricky Flare, Big Bully Busick, Brock Lesnor, Sylvain Grenouille, Ron Conway, Robbie Dupree, Vince O'Mack, The World's Best Goddam Tag Team, The Edge, Chavita Guerrera, Bad Boss Man, Christian Cage, Mark Hardy Version 3.1 For Workstations, a Train, That Bum Who Kept Jobbing To Hercules On TV, Mike Morgan, Sharon Moore, Triple HHH and Triple HHH.
Looks like an interesting field of competitors, but the winner will be none of the above. Who will win? None other than Billy Gun. Bank on it!!!
According to my sources, Bill Goldenberg has JUMPED SHIP to the All-Japan/New-Japan/Old-Japan/Rare-Japan federation. He recently headlined one of their house shows and defeated young up-and-comer Naogowo Oagagawaughawa, who I'm pretty sure is one of Takajiri's henchmen.
The reason he is traveled south of the border is because Eric Bischov decalculated him from the Raw roster recently, and he has to find work to feed his starving family. I say… more power to the Da Man!!!
****THIS JUST IN!!! WWE Entertainment Corporation Limited has FIRED Eric Bischov and replaced him with Peanut Head T.D. Long. Will this change Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw as we now know it? YES!!!
Speaking of roster cuts, WWE said that they are definitely cutting some wrestlers who are, in the words of CEO Lydia MacMahon, "a waste of space." Among those said to be on the cutting block are Canyon, Billy The Kid-Sized Man, The Allllllllllll-timate Dragon, Triple HHH, Legal Weapon Steve McBlackman and Bully Buchanan (a/k/a Reeco). They will probably all be hired by NWA T and A and feud with The Guys Who Wear Red Shirts.
Speaking of Instant Messenger, here's a recent conversation I had with someone you may know:
Canadian_Bulldo: R U BACK ONLINE AGAIN? Canadian_Bulldo: DIDN'T I WARN U LAST TIME NOT TO MESS IN MY BUSINESS? Canadian_Bulldo: WHAT'S THE MATTER – CAN'T U READ? Canadian_Bulldo: WELL, I CAN'T… BUT THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME. Canadian_Bulldo: SO ANYWAYS, I GOT A BONE TO PICK WITH U. Canadian_Bulldo: WHY DO U KEEP PICKING ON MY BOSS? Canadian_Bulldo: WHAT DID HE EVER DO TO U? Canadian_Bulldo: WHAT'S THE MATTER – GOT NOTHING TO SAY?
Hyatte1com signed off at 14:22.
Recently, I had the chance to conduct an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED interview with Michael 'S.P.' Hays, one half of the legendary Fabulous Firebirds tag team that also included Terry 'Bamm Bamm' Bigelow, Jammy 'Jam' Garvin and Jake 'Buddy' Roberts. Here's how it all went down:
MH: Good day. CB: Yes, it is. Is this Michael Hays? MH: Actually, this is Lord Alfred Hayes. I'm afraid you have the wrong number. CB: Thanks for the compliment. This is Canadian Bulldog; you may remember me from placing NEARLY FIRST in the latest ICW 1000. I'm calling to conduct an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED interview. MH: But… I just told you that… you… very well. Any publicity is good publicity, I suppose. CB: Question number one: are you always drunk, or is that just part of the "gimmick"? MH: I BEG YOUR PARDON? CB: All that drinking has affected your hearing, huh? MH: I never once drank on the job. Well, perhaps that one time that Sean Mooney and I had to work over the holidays, but… CB: Okay, okay. We don't need your life story. Question number two: was it you who came up with that song "Badstreet -- Montana, GA. Badstreet -- dah duh duh A… duh duh… getting high… duh duh, duh duh street…" MH: I'M SURE I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT! CB: I'm sure you don't (makes 'drinky drinky' motion with hand). MH: Ermm… I can't actually see what you're doing over the phone. CB: I'm finished with this line of questioning! Question number three: which character did you enjoy playing the best: the drunk redneck in Texas, the guy who wore lots of makeup in WCW, or the 'Jimi Hendrix' announcer on Superstars of Wrestling? MH: Look… I've already told you. THAT'S NOT ME! CB: AND I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU THANKS FOR THE COMPLIMENT!!! Any final thoughts for our readers? MH: Yes. Promotional consideration has been paid for by the following: Stetson Cologne… CB: That's it. This interview is OVER!!! MH: (makes 'drinky drinky' motion with hand).
If there's anyone out there you want me to interview, drop me a line at Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com.
Now it's time for the Official ITR Ratings. This week, we focus on everyone's favorite minor-league promotion, NWA T and A:
Champion - Double Jeff Jarrod - 275 lbs., Texas, Tennessee 1. B.J. Styles - 312 lbs., Somewhere 2. Conan - 212 lbs., Spain 3. D-Von Brown - 2555 lbs., New York, New York, I Want To Be A Part Of It, New York 4. Jeremy Lynn - 112 lbs., Memphis, Minnesota 5. Rayvin- 20A lbs., Parts Unknown 6. The Future Frankie B. Ware - 299 lbs., Canada (WOO HOO!) 7. Shawn Michaels Junior - 275 lbs., Anywhere He Darn Well Pleases 8. That Preacher Guy - 216 lbs., The Church 9. Scott 'Last Hall' Call - 2300 lbs., Mexico 10. Hulk Hollywood Hogan - 300 plus lbs., Studio City*
* - Not yet in the company, but already climbing his way up the ladder!!!
Finally, let's open things up to a little Q & A. Remember, this is YOUR FORUM to ask questions, unless they're dumb ones. So send them in to Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com. Operators are standing by!!!
Q: What do you think the main event of WrestleMania XX will be? A: At this point all signs point to former Hardcore Legend and current Coward Mick Farley hooking up with Billy Gun. I could also see Sheriff Austen battling Homosexual Mark Chocolate given the current animosity between those two. On the Smack! Down side, it will be Brock Lesnor against Kur Tangle in their first rematch since last year's Wrestle Mania bout, and also maybe Stephoney MacMahon against Sabel The Wild Cat. The card, as always, is subject to change.
Q: If you could only watch one match in wrestling history, what would it be? A: Only one? That covers a lot of ground, but after careful consideration, I'd probably have to go with this week's epic contest between Spike TV Dudley and One Of Los Resistance. Whatta match!
Q: Dear Canadian_Bulldog@hotmail.com, Turn better rates into bucks in your pocket! Trade out high-interest debt and save every month. It's like money in the bank. If you haven't considered refinancing your home loan or consolidating debts, you may be missing out on the best opportunity in years to save. What are you waiting for? A: Thanks for the compliment.
Q: HOW THE HELL DID YOU MAKE THE IWC 100 LIST? A: That's a fair question, and with all due respect, stupidjerkface, I got there because a lot of hard work. A lot of dedication to my craft. And above all else, a lot of attention to detoil. This was MY TIME to shine, damn you and NO ONE IS GOING TO RAIN ON MY PARADE. I WILL NOT BE DENIED!!! DAMN YOU!!! DAMN YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Uh… I think that about does it for this week. I'll be back again next week with more insights into the wacky world of pro wrestling and another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED interview. With who, you ask? Does the name Vince MacMahon ring a bell? Okay, it probably won't be him, but that's not my point. Remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.
Ditto for verbalizing my hangups about Cole, Jeb. Compare that with a typical JR quote, which is heavy on the action and symbolism: "Bah God! Michaels just drove a sledgehammer right into the black heart of the Game!!!