Now that St. Nick has come and gone and you're standing in the "return" line at Wal-Mart with a "Barbie's Yukon Buzz Saw" in hand, here's something to help pass the time: things that may have been left under the tree of some of our favorite wrestling folks:
The Rock: A "pet Rock."
Eric Bischoff: A year's supply of chili to help him alter the ozone layer.
The Big Show: A year's supply of pizza in an attempt to alter the Earth's axis.
The Spanish-speaking announcers: A folding metal table, inciting the woodpecker population to picket every pay-per-view event.
Ric Flair: My Aunts Thelma and Louise - Woooooooooo!!
Vince McMahon: To help work on his "diminished mental capacity," a certificate for unlimited visits to my personal therapist Dr. Hugo Hackenbush.
Kane: A mask.
Hulk Hogan: A contract for a match at "Wrestlemania" vs. Vince.
Chris Jericho: Sable (and we don't mean a coat).
Linda McMahon: Confirmation of a winner for putting the WCW up for auction on eBay.
Ted Turner: Notification of being the highest bidder for the WCW.
Tazz: A tape of Tazz playing himself in a "Bugs Bunny" cartoon.
La Resistance: Deportation papers.
The Dudley Boyz: Their own steel cage to play in.
Lita, Trish, Stacy: Copies of "The DaVinci Code," so they can make an attempt to unlock the code.
The Undertaker: A bicycle built for two.
Stone Cold Steve Austin: A case of O'Doul's.
Shawn Michaels: A job as the new co-manager (with Elvis) of the "Heartbreak Hotel."
Goldberg: A ticket to Japan as he attempts to become Emperor.
Triple H: His name on the ballot to run for governor of Connecticut.
The Ultimate Warrior: A copy of the book "Where Are They Now?"
Mick Foley: A pen and pencil set so he can keep writing.
Jerry "NWA/TNA" Jarrett: A contract with the USA Network so fans have a "free" alternative to the WWE.
Brock Lesnar: A new disposition.
Scott Steiner: A muscle relaxer.
P.S. Happy New Year and be careful celebrating, the life you save could be mine!
The Slammer is the New York Daily News pro-wrestling columnist.
Oh. And here I was thinking that the problem was just that he needs to stop wearing 45 SPF sunscreen in the middle of winter. You know, I see a ring of the third finger of the right hand. Don't tell me he's married.