"The price is right! Muhahahahahahahahah!" – Millionaire Man Teddy Biase, 1989
Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog, and we have TONS to get to THIS week because I took last week OFF due to a VARIETY of personal PROBLEMS. Such as ALCOHOLISM. So let's get right TO it. But FIRST, a quick trivia QUESTION:
Which of the following wrestlers has never done drugs? (A) Roaddog Jamie James (B) Grand Mister Sexy (C) Jake "Snakeman" Robards (D) Scott "Last Hall" Call (E) "Latino Night Heat" Ed Guerrera (F) JunvententudJenuventudHooventood Juvy Guerrero (G) Jeff "Cocaine Addict" Hardee
Answer at the end of this column!!!
Even though it's some 12 months away, WWE Federtainment Corp. has started making Booking Plans for Wrestle Mania XXX!!! This ought to shut up critics who say they don't book in advance or push young talent. Here are the proposed matches so far:
· Stoned Cold vs. Vince MacMahon (Tuxedo Match) · Triple HHH vs. Mike Foley (Hell From The Cell II!!!) · Bill Goldenberg vs. The Next Best Thing Brock Lesnor (Loser-Has-To-Leave-WWE-Because-His-Contract-Expires Match) · Big Evil The Under Taker vs. The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain (first ever meeting between the two real-life brothers!!!) · Richie The Dragon Samborra vs. Natural Boy Ricky Flare (in some boring-ass "Scientific Match") · Brad 'Hatman' Hurt vs. Your Olympic Hero Curt Angel (Winner-Will-Probably-Address-Being-Screwed-By-Vince-MacMahon Match) · The Immaterial Hal Kogan vs. The Rick vs. Rod Roddy Piper (Loser-Must-Shoot-a-Crappy-Movie-With-Billy-Blanks match) · The World's Best Goddam Tag Team vs. The Billys (a new team that will debut around February-ish, involving Billy Gun and Billy The Kid-Sized Man) · Heartburn Kid Shawn McMichaels vs. Y J Stinger Chuck Jericho (Loser-Must- Spend-The-Night-With-Tritch-Stratus Match) · Funaki vs. a Train (First-Blood-On-A-Pole Match) · Garrison Jindrak and Mark Cade vs. Los Resistance
I don’t know about you, but with a power-packed lineup like that, I know I'll be there for all the action at Madison Wisconsin Squared Garden (from the comfort of my living room)!!!
It's sad to say, but yet another popular wrestler has passed away. Larry Booker T, best known to fans as Bulldog Spot (no relation), died last week while wrestling Jerry The King Lawyer in Memphis. FYI, The King won, and he's now the 94-time, 94-time, 94-time, 94-time, etc. USWA Champion. Congrats to The King!!!
Spot teamed with various partners over the years, including Rex, Spike, Rover, Fido and Sparky. He will be best known for holding the old wwwf.com tag team championships back in the olden days, and carrying a bone to the ring.
While an official cause of death cannot be confirmed at this time, it was definitely because of drug abuse. He will be missed.
For everyone who keeps writing me about this, no, Stuart Stone Steve Austin is NOT coming back. People, he signed a contract. A CONTRACT!!! That means he can NOT return, under any circumstances, no matter what… unless we fans somehow forget about the stipulation or if it's under a mask. So forget about it!!!
Great to see Mike Foley named as an executive consultant to Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw. Older fans may remember him in the roles of Cactus Jack Manson and Dude, Where's My Love?. He also wrote the books Foley Is Big: And The Whole World Is Better Than Stupid Fake Wrestling and Titanium Brown. My only question: why did Lydia MacMahon ever fire him in the first place???
Had a chance to read The Tripping of Triple HHH by noted literary scholar Chrissy Hyatt. All I can say is… how dumb does he think we Canadians are? I mean, no one would ever believe a story like that. Puh-lease! The minute that Vince MacMahon finds out that the story of kidnapping 'The Criminal Assassin' was 'leaked' to the 'press', he's going to have a fit. Unlike most of the time, I wouldn't want to be in The Internet's Greatest Treasure Scott Keeth's shoes right about now!
That reminds me of an Instant Messenger chat I recently had…
Canadian_Bulldo: U R A STUPIDHEAD!!! Canadian_Bulldo: AND U CANT WRITE GOOD!!! Canadian_Bulldo: U R A DISGRACE TO ALL CANDADAINS!!! Canadian_Bulldo: Er, wait… CANADIANS!!! Canadian_Bulldo: Er, wait… U R NOT A CANAIAN!! Wait- CANADIAN!!! Canadian_Bulldo: SO WHO THE HELL AM I THINKING OF, THEN? FLEE? Canadian_Bulldo: ANYWAYS… U R A DUMB! THAT WAS MY POINT!!! Canadian_Bulldo: AND NO ONE READS U R COLUMNS! NOT EVEN ME!!!
Hyatte1com signed of at 22:02
Somebody Holla If You Hear My Momma: Yours truly got his Christmas wish delivered a bit early this year because of the news that Earnest `Cat In The Hat' Miller is going to be wrestling again on Smack! Down!!! Fans may remember him as an announcer on shows such as WWE Velocity and WWF Blast Off. Even before that, he was a worker in the old WCW territory as one-third of the failed 'Cold Blood Runs' gimmick.
Recently, I had the chance to sit down and talk to WWE superstar and former leader of The Right To Uncensored, Stevie Richardson, over the telephone. What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED TRANSCRIPT!!! For a copy, send three proofs of purchase and $5 cash in the mail to: The Whinerboard C/o Webmaster ZRC Somewhere in California
SR: Hello, Steven Richards… CB: Hi. Are you really crazy, or is it just a "work"? SR: Who the (censored by legal department) is this? CB: Sorry. I must apologize. This is Canadian Bulldog from Inside The Ropes. My assistant called you about doing an interview today… SR: Interview? What the... oh, the bloke from Entertainment Weekly, right? CB: Suuuuurrrre. Anyhoo… Question number one: A lot of people are saying that you murdered Crash Hardy. What do you have to say in your defense? SR: Murder? I have no idea what you're… CB: Right, right, right. I forgot. Your lawyer probably advised you to `dummy up'. SR: I really don't have the faintest idea what you're talking about. CB: Don't worry, your secret is safe with me!!! Question number two: First you were Ravan's flunky and now you answer to Queen Victoria... how do I phrase this delicately… why are you such a wimp? Can't you think for yourself? SR: (under breath) This better get me some good publicity… CB: Question number three: What was your toughest match? SR: Match? I think you have the wrong bloke. I'm a producer… CB: Oh, nobody's saying you can't produce. Your workrate is good, kid. Sure you're no Rodney Max, but no one's complaining. SR: DON'T YOU WANT TO ASK ME ABOUT ANY OF THE (censored by legal department) MOVIES I'VE DONE??? CB: Yyyeah… movies. Uh, listen Stevie. Let me let you in on something… in the business, they're called vignettes. Not movies. Vignettes. SR: I THINK I'D KNOW WHAT THEY'RE CALLED!!! CB: Yeah, you'd think so… SR: YOU'VE GOT TWO MORE MINUTES, KID. ASK SOMETHING GOOD. CB: Good, huh? Okay… let's see… you've accomplished a lot in your career… SR: Right… CB: What would you consider your break out moment? SR: Well, I would have to say that... CB: Would it be the gimmick where you had to wear a short-sleeved shirt and tie and have an entrance song that sounded like a car alarm? The one that went `WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP… WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP'? Was that it? Huh, Stevie? That one? SR: STOP… CALLING ME… STEVIE!!!! YOU STUPID (censored by legal department) FOR BRAINS (censored by legal department) I'LL (censored by legal department) MOTHER (censored by legal department)!!! CB: How rude. This interview is OVER!!! (hangs up phone)
If there's anyone you want me to interview for a future interview, drop me a line at Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com.
And finally, let's open the old mailbag for a little something I like to call `opening the old mailbag':
Q: How come Kurt Angle has been off TV lately? A: Angel is recovering from a torn neck. It will require surgery, the same kind that Scotty The Hotty, Rhinocerous, and The Returning Leeta had recently, so look for the Olympic strongman to be out of action anywhere from a week to 23 years.
Q: A few weeks ago, you mentioned something called Rocky-O & Juliet. I haven't been able to find it anywhere. Can you point me in the right direction? A: Thanks for the compliment!!! Here's an excerpt:
JULIET O Rocky-O, Rocky-O! Wherefore art thou, Rocky-O? Deny thy father Rocky Johnson and refuse thy name; Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, And I'll no longer be a Jabroni.
ROCKY-O [Aside] Shall The Rocky-O hear more, or shall The Rocky-O speak at this?
ROCKY-O IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THOU THINKS!!!
Finally… The Rocky-O… HATH COME BACK... to the middle ages!
The Rocky-O takes thee at thy guaran-damn-teed word: Call me but love, and The Rocky-O'll be new baptized; Henceforth –- AND THE ROCKY-O MEANS HENCEFORTH -– The Rocky-O will never will be The Rocky-O.
JULIET What people's champion art thou that thus bescreen'd in night So stumblest on my counsel?
ROCKY-O By a name The Rocky-O knows not how to tell thee –- and the MILLIONS of Rocky-O's fans -- who The Rocky-O is: Beyond a shadow of a doubt, he is the most electrifying man in Shakespearean literature and entertainment... My name, dear saint, is hateful to myself, Because it is an enemy to thee; Had it written, The Rocky-O would tear the word, dost shine that sumbitch up real nice, turn thou sideways... and STICK IT STRAIGHT UP THOU CANDY ASSETH!
If thou smelalalalalalalalalalas… what The Rocky-O... is cookin'!
Q: In 1984, After getting kicked out of the football team, I turned to the wrestling team, And thats where I met Eddie Guerrero. The first day I was their, I beat him in a match me and him had. He used to envy me from far away, If you were their you would be able to tell right away. I Weighed 155 LBS. I also used to beat guys twice my size! I was strong and built, And knew nothing about wrestling but I had brute strength and beat my apponents with strength alone. Eddie showed me a few techniques. About two eddies made up one of me. I went to the army and became an airborne ranger. Now I am a proud disabled veteren. But I still have the means to kick DD's butt! LoL. My little girls love you and enjoy hearing my stories about you. God bless you Eddie! A: Okay… even I can't figure out what the hell you're talking about. Thanks for the... yada yada yada…
Q: When do you think will Chavo Guerrero turn on Eddie? A: Turn? Dude, what have you been SMOKING? If you watch Smack! Down every week like I do, you'll know that those crazy brothers from Mexico have patched up their differences already. Stop spreading crazy rumors.
Q: Susan, it's Steve Richards here. Apologize if this isn't your proper e-mail address. I'm just seeing red right now, not thinking clearly. Please make sure you get the folks in legal to kill the story that's going to run this week in Entertainment Weekly. It's not a good situation, Susan. I'll explain later. Cheers. A: Thanks for the compliment!!!
That just about does it for this week. If you have any questions, concerns, prose, suggestions, compliments, compliments, or compliments, be sure to compliment me at Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.
WHAT? The Stoned Cold Truth. WHAT? I said, The Stone Cold Truth! WHAT? I said.... ahhh, never mind. Instead, check out the latest Inside The Ropes!!!
Are you talking about the Shakespeare vs. Russo thing, where they had Shakespeare book Raw (Debra talking about her "wifely duties" while Austin says "I am vexed") and Russo writing one of Shakespeare's plays? If it isn't archived, I have that in a text file. I'm at work right now, but if this is the thing you're looking for, tell me and I'll post it or e-mail it to you when I'm home.
"And The Rocky-O Means HENCEFORTH!" -- MY GOD that's funny!
THE OBTUSE ANGLE Gaston the CheeseMaster! or: "Gimmicks We'd Like to See" February 17, 2003 by Jeb Tennyson Lund OnlineOnslaught.com/CitizenScholar.net As a long-standing phenomenon, wrestling has been both legendary and laughable.