Godfather pins Tazz
The Hurricane pins Albert (Yes, you read that right. Sure, Albert's not over at all, but the fact that a Cruiserweight pinned a Heavyweight is good, no?)
Hugh Morrus pins the Ultimate Jobber, Funaki
Chavo Guerrero Jr. pins Maven
Billy & Chuck beat Rikish and the Hurricane to retain (What kind of Tag Team is that?)
A Judgement Day match announced: Edge vs. Kurt Angle (Loser shaves his head)
Hardcore Holly vs. Randy Orton (Geez, this is Tazz and Maven all over again). Anyway, Holly is DQ'd.
The Undisputed Championship match becomes a No DQ match.
Kurt Angle & Lance Storm beat Edge & The Big Valbowski by pinfall (at least Storm and Venis made it onto Smackdown)
Faarooq & Mark Henry vs. Christian & Test-D-Von interferes, allowing Test & Christian to get the victory. Hey, wait. That's 3 TAG MATCHES IN ONE SHOW!
Tajiri vs. Billy Kidman for the WCW, erm, I mean, WWF Cruiserweight Title: Tajiri uses Torrie as a human shield to help him retain the title.
UNDISPUTED TITLE MATCH: Hogan vs. Jericho (NO DQ)-Jericho wins when Undertaker attacks Hogan. HAHA, just kidding. Triple H comes out, but doesn't actually get involved in the match. Undertaker's music plays, and when Jericho turns around to look for him, Hogan pins him with a roll up.
Oh, and there was also all this stupid stuff involving someone named McMahon and someone with long legs.
As hilarious as that Lockdown promo is, TNA ain't the first to use that voice-over. The then-WWF had the exact same set-up for the Unforgiven 99 ads, talkng about "knights" and "warriors" and all sortsa medieval crap.