I got a terciary flu- as everyone else in my li`l family got the fullblown flu, so I am miserable helper boy as opposed to catered-to sick person. Folks told me that it would put me in the perfect mood for tonights Smackdown. - as they taunted me by dancing around the spoilers that they had read. I scoff and say HA! We will see. Meanwhile, head..... hurt....body..... hurt.
WHAT WORKED- - Rey Rey isn`t Junior anymore? Wha? Did his uncle secretly die? The junior part made his gimmick cooler- because he was such a little fella. FUCK! I thought they already blew this fued off. A-Train is fun punching Rey Rey in the head and Rey is chockfull of ``tiny child versus bully`` moments. A-Train brings some fun offense when Rey is leaning into it like a fucking KING. Rey is Rey. Rey is waaaaaaaaaay better than Edge. A-Train is Albert. A-Train is pretty good at making it look like not so comical of a mismatch and gets the inexplicable win. Good match. Rey rules. They need to get Rey out of this fued- despite the fact that it shows that Rey can wrestle his ass off with ANYONE. And there are worse guys in the WWE than Albert- but we need the Benoit/Edge/ Rey vs TEAM ANGLE already. But if ``ifs`` were fifths we`d alllllllll be drunk.
- Los Guerrerros come out and everything is right with the world. THE CHEAT 2 WIN SHIRTZ! THE CHEAT 2 WIN SHIRTZ! Holy fuck! Cena gets all Hip-hop version of Skrewdriver with the anti-Latino rap. Guerrerros are...... faces now? Eddy doesn`t give a shit and starts beating the shit out of Cena and Chavo cheats outside the ring. Cena gets on offense and Red Dog cheats outside the ring. Eddy gets the face chant when CENA PUTS THE HEAT ON THE BABYFACE~! Cena is fun as a heel wrestlin`- cutting off Eddy as he is making his comebacks, building the heat with arrogant covers and all-around snideness. Eddy goes all Memphis with the punches to transition and hits the babyface-as-fuck dropkick. Red Dog cheats to win, but the ref is distracted by young Red Dog so Cena goes up top but Chavo pushes him directly into Love Machine Splash position for the win. Chavo cheats to win and we all weep that they have found a way to cheat for GOOD instead of cheat for EVIL.
- Spanky talks to Heyman and I worry about what Spanky has to do to get Heyman to represent him. Heyman says, `` Have I got a job for you`` and it all becomes crystal clear.
- PART ONE: AL WILSON- DEAD MACK WALKING Al Wilson arises from his valentine shaped bed, which is in the Lair of the Blastmaster 9,000 feet below his gravesite (where he faked his own death to get away from that crazy bitch Dawn Marie and his insufferable daughter- blonde bimbo Torrie.) Al is dressed and checking the clip to his 9. He lets the hot stacked Finnish babe sleep. He`s done enough to satiate his sensual appettite and- anyway- he`s got other fish to fry today. He motions over to Yellope- his butler. ``Yo, Yell. I know I owe you one for betting against you when them hotties coached by Pat Summit lost to your uptight white girls from UConn. Tell ya what. Inge here is gonna need some early morning sumpin sumpin and it would do my heart good if you take care of her while I go to the surface and see WHAT THE FUCK your boy Baron Von Raschke is doing.`` Yell looks at Al and smiles, ``You got it, cheese. I`ll get her sweet ass home when she gets done. What THE FUCK has the Baron done now?`` Al smiles and sticks his flask of Johnny Walker Red in his overcoat inside pocket. ``Crazy Lutheran motherfuckah done got his hands on a Nazi Power Wig. Seems that Paul Jones Laboratories in Guatemala perfected it last year and now he`s leased it to the Baron. I don`t know what the fuck is going on. All I know is that motherfuckers in Washington call me at fucking FIVE A M and want me to come out today and get a debriefing.`` ``Good luck, my brother.`` Al gets all serious on his butler and says, ``If anybody calls, tellem I`m dead.`` They laugh and hug and Al disappears into the night. 2 B CONTINUED, MOTHERFUCKER.
- Awesome! Shannon Moore gets to make all of us long-suffering MFers get something out of our investment in him. Matt sees something and now would be a good time for the little MFer to deliver on the good faith Matt has put in him. And all he has to do is beat THAT USELESS MOTHERFUCKING BORING AS LAST WEEKS BEETLE BAILEY COMICS MOTHERFUCKING HORRIBLE BILLY KIDMAN! KICK HIM! GODDAMMIT! ELBOW HIM AGAIN! MOTHEFUCK! Shannon hits that Shinzaki straightjacket choke thingie and Kidman powers out and hits a shitty Snooze Button dropkick to get on offense. He hits his big flying Boaring Elbow for two. Shannon hits the corner leg lariat for two. Kidman hits his 19 Hour Murder She Wrote Marathon Driver 99 but Shannon kicks out. Kidman hits the enzuboring to set up his Sleeping Star Press for the win- after both Matt and Shannon couldn`t knock him off the top turnbuckle. LUCKILY, postmatch- they beat the living breathing dogshit out of Kidman before even more innocent wrestling viewers can be put to sleep by the Cruiserweight champ. MATT HARDY FUCKING RULES. KICK THAT MOTHERFUCKER ONE MORE TIME FOR ME! Kidman is way behind- as the wrestler- getting me- the wrestling fan- to like him.
- Angle talking to TEAM ANGLE could go down in wrestling history as this era`s Piper`s Pit or the Flair For the Gold. Tonite`s was fucking great- ``The OLD Packers, not the pathetic losers who can`t win a playoff game in their own building. `` I FELL OUT. Benoit and Edge do weird head nod thing and head for the ring- as they seem to be recreating the ECW Malenko/Benoit cool assed silent professional assbeater tagteam- which would be a good move. TEAM ANGLE hits the ring and the velour warm-up suits fucking ROK. Edge and Benoti come out to two different intros and hit the ring together. Benoit starts off by beating the fudge oout of Charlie and Benoit is feeling it. Well, he`s always feeling it. Shelton comes in and works over Benoit until Benoit escapes and makes the tag to Edge and Angle feels the urge to go to the apron and take a GIGANTIC bump by eating a spear. Charlie then saves Benoit`s life as Benoit does the Tope Suicida that looked like he was going to go neck first into the table leg. Edge with the Missile Dropkick and we go to commercial. Shelton is beating on Edge and it goes kinda Southern though they don`t actually have a real heat segment on Edge as Benoit comes in and they beat the shit out of Charlie and the arm of Charlie. Charlie escapes a Crossface and they continue to beat the shit out of Haas which is making the finish look a little obvious. Haas gets to transition with the German suplex and they PUT THE HEAT ON THE BABYFACE~! Shelton is fun breaking Edge`s leg and Haas is spirited in his leg crimping also. Shelton hits Nagata Lock 1, 2 or 3 and you weep love`s easy tears. God, this match is SUPER old school Southern tag- more akin to Murdock/Adonis vs the Briscoes than RnR vs MXP. Haas and Benjamin do a great Figure four spot with the Benoit making the save but Haas taglessly takes over. They do a couple of near tags and Benoit is a house a-fire: suplexing them onto each other. Shelton hits a fucking BEAUTIFUL superkick on Charlie and Benoit hits the Locomotion German Suplexes to set up the Diving Headbutt and Angle and Haas take giant bumps and there is a forty five part finish to set up Angle hitting Benoit in the head with the belt to get the pin for Shelton. Guerrerros vs TEAM ANGLE next week? FUCK YEAH. Great fucking match.
WHAT DIDN`T WORK-
- Vince McMahon comes out and it isn`t anything I ever want to see. I use this time to peel an orange and proofread the Al Wilson mini-series (a mini-series that I have put in the worked column very presumptiously. ) Vince says that Hogan is on life-support. I guess those mountains of steroids that he lied about in court about not taking finally got to him. Jesus, this goes on so long I could proofread the Old Testament if I were God and had written it. Of course, if I were God, I would need no proofreading. Of course, if I were God, I would have gone crazy by now and destroyed all of creation in reaction to 1999 WCW booking decisions. But that is why I write these things en lieu being the most omnipotent being in the universe. Thank your lucky stars. Think all of all that MST3K and CFL football you`d have to watch. Hey, Rock vs Hogan could be good. Sorta. Evil Rock is no longer fun as he gives the most pussy assed ``I don`t want to be a heel`` heel promo ever. Remember when he was in the Nation of Domination and he could generate actual heel heat. Now he is getting crowd to chant his catchphrases and undermine any heelishness. Someone needs tell the Rock that trying to be Scott Hall never helped anybody, especially Scott Hall.
- Rikishi and Bill Demott have some wrestling. Rikishi I like. Bill Demott is being pushed again? Oh cool. I have someone to hate again. Match sucked. Ending wasn`t very good. UT comes out postmatch and tries to be lovable. I dream of the Rikishi/ UT vs Demott/ Big Show ULTRAMATCH! As always, UT is electric on the stick. Though I am enthralled, I can`t help but wonder how many oranges I have left. Should I go to work tomorrow? Maybe I`m still infectious. Smackdown The Show wanders off itself and decides to air some commercials while UT is in the ring. We- as wrestling fans and television viewers that like to PICK the time we go to sleep- thank young Smackdown for taking us away from UT talking in the ring in Green Bay, WI. But I can`t help but feel sorry for the good people of Green Bay- going to the wrestling show, trying to forget how shitty their team did in the playoffs and how cold it is in January and what do they get? The Undertaker giving a very long discertation of his new philosophy, as he says it`s ``Shut Up and Fight`` and he then doesn`t shut up. Hey, Spanky comes out after, I`m guessing, Heyman finished plying him with manly love, sings and get Last Ridden by UT. UT takes back the 100 dollar tip. I could analyze how this Spanky angle was kinda booked by the people behind Bangbus.com but I`ve never been to that site and wouldn`t understand what I am talking about.
The final match was really fun to watch. Something about Team Angle has me cheering for them, even though we aren't supposed to. I think what I enjoy about Benjamin and Haas is that they aren't huge superstars with their own ring entrance and their own unique outfits. There is time for that in the future. For now they represent what being part of a tag TEAM is, not just being a singles wrestler who sometimes has a partner. I don't know, the fact that they hug each other after the victory is just a good touch.
I will most likely miss Smackdown next week, but I do hope that Team Angle wins the Tag Titles which leads to a big feud between Los Guerrerros and Team Angle. Ok, so maybe they aren't wrestling GODS yet like Dean likes to say, but I can see a future where we refer to the Smackdown 8 instead of the Smackdown 6.
DEAN, you rule as always, and I wait with baited breath for the next and every subsequent episode of AL WILSON - DEAD MACK WALKING. Al has not passed on if he lives in each and every Wiener's heart.
(But you are wrong about the Rock's promo. He can't just reappear and go full out heel. Slow burn, baby. A little insult here and a snide remark there until the cheers die down. Then nasty, evil Rock shall entertain us all.)
I hate the army and I hate the RAF I don't wanna go fighting in the tropical heat. I hate the civil service rules And I won't open a letter bomb for you. ------------------------------------------------ Joe Strummer Lives!
Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSENAl gets all serious on his butler and says, ``If anybody calls, tellem I`m dead.`` They laugh and hug and Al disappears into the night. 2 B CONTINUED, MOTHERFUCKER.
I laughed at this more than anything I laughed at this week. I wanna see this in an independent film soon!
I'm not thinking the independent film route. I'm thinking that they should kill off the entire cast of 24 in the final episode just so the third season of the show could be 24 real-time hours in the life of Al Wilson.
I woke up today with no drive, no inspiration to do anything but lie in bed... that is until I read Dean's WORKRATE REPORT! Now I am modeling my life on Al Wilson, the pimpingist motherfucker ever. Some may have been fooled into thinking that Dawn played Al, but Dean has taught me better.... once months ago Al was in his base when he flipped on the TV, saw Dawn and realized "Damn, this bitch could be a decent lay!" But Al, the genius that he is, realized that no woman could ever satisfy his soft headed mallet for long; he made a escape plan, and faked his own death to escape Dawn's love. What once was a tasty honey pot for Al had broken down into a stinky clambake, but Al was out--he was in his home, fucking girls hotter than we could even imagine. This gives me hope--now I can live my life the way Al would want me too. Thank you Dean, but most of all, thank you Al!
You don't get it boy, this isn't a mudhole... it's an operating table. And I'm the surgeon. Something tells me to stop with the leg. I don't listen to it. But where in the world is there in the world A man so extroardinaire?
I have been inspired by the listlessness of Kidman and it has gotten me excited about reviewing his matches every week from now on. I constantly think of new names for his moves all during the day- names I cannot share until the next match. I am torqued, torqued with bile for Kidman.
THE ROCKNES MONSTERS AND THE TRIBE IN AN OPENING MATCH?! EXCALIBUR PROVIDES MASKED COLOR COMMENTARY! WE FINALLY MEET THE GUY BEHIND THOSE "CENTERFOLD" SCORED VIGNETTES! MARQUEZ AND LOQUASTO GIVE DUELING INTERVIEWS!