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The W - Random - The Vile1 does VAN HELSING (Page 2)
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Torchslasher
Knackwurst








Since: 17.1.02
From: South F’n Carolina

Since last post: 45 days
Last activity: 3 days
#21 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.75
    Originally posted by Mr Heel II
    I went in with the mindset it was going to be extremely silly (how could it NOT with "The Mummy" people behind it?) and all I can say is I'm glad I saw it at a drive-in where the wife could enjoy it in peace while I drifted in and out of sleep, occasionally wandered the grounds, and played video games on my phone.

    She really liked it, though.



I'm sorry but I have to ask this...

Who knew that there were still drive-in movie parlors in Parts Unknown? What other treasures reside in Parts Unknown?



"Yes, yes I did it. I killed Evette. I hated her, SO much...it...it...the flames...flames...FLAMES...on the side of my face...breathing...breathless...heaving breathes...heaving..."

Miss White- Clue (trust me, it's all in the delivery)
Retrovertigo
Tocino








Since: 20.12.03
From: Fairfield, OH

Since last post: 7229 days
Last activity: 7227 days
#22 Posted on | Instant Rating: 3.66
    Originally posted by Jaguar
    Apparently I saw a different movie than the rest of you. I was sold on this movie from the very beginning. Who could not enjoy the over the top campyness of the black and white? And Dracula? Dracula was the best part of that movie. That man needs his own sequel.

    Yes, the end in the clouds was painfully bad, but I was certainly happy with the rest of the movie.

    -Jag


The B&W seemed more like a ripoff of Mel Brooks than an homage to the old-school horror movies. While I love that style of camp, it doesn't need to be aped. If the filmmakers can't find their own voice and have to rely on somebody else's, then it's not campy, it's just plain bad. *shrug* One guy's opinion.
The Thrill
Banger








Since: 16.4.02
From: Green Bay, WI

Since last post: 3633 days
Last activity: 232 days
#23 Posted on | Instant Rating: 4.25

After seeing Van Helsing...well, to quote the South Park kids, I've learned something today:

* Vampires are heels, werewolves can be tweeners, but are usually heel, and Frankenstein's monster is...well, he's babyface Raven. One ugly face, spouting rather formal, Gothic promos ("Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil!?"), "accustomed to pain," self-loathing, has daddy issues, and is always this close to a heel turn.

* Dracula has a couple hundred socialite flunkies in Budapest, but he'd rather have a 1000-strong army of "children" that look like a cross between Gremlins and that thing from Lord of the Rings that always whined about its "precious."

* Only werewolves can kill Dracula. So much for crucifixes, the sun, or stakes through the heart. (And what's this silver stake jazz? Ain't it supposed to be a wooden stake through the heart?)

* Dracula has no emotions, yet he's still passionate, horny, and has more kids than Shawn Kemp.

* Apparently, Her Majesty's Secret Service ripped off the Vatican's Knights of the Holy Order when they created James Bond and his agency. You've got your boss, your Q, your slideshow projector briefing...all they need is Moneypenny. Ye gods.

* OK, so Van Helsing killed Dracula in the 1600s, when Drac was 40. For what crimes? (I can only assume the skeletons-on-shish-kebabs we saw when our heroes first found Castle Dracula were an allusion to the real-life Vlad the Impaler sticking heads on stakes, among other things.) How was Van Helsing alive then and still alive now?

* Dr. Jekyll is a midcarder. (Speaking of...if he was chillin' at Notre Dame in Paris, where the hell was Quasimodo?)

* Artificially created light bombs kill vampires just as dead as sunlight.

* Van Helsing can shoot about 10 billion silver stakes from his Gatling crossbow, and hit neither one of Dracula's bitches or the female lead, even when they're right next to each other. Conclusion: the Vatican outsourced his marksmanship training to COBRA!

* Modern Transylvania's highway system must be able to transport trucks nicely, through all the HOLES IN THE PLOT.


Gimmie "Dracula: Dead and Loving It" any day. "Renfield, you asshole!"



Star wipe, and...we're out.
Thrillin' ain't easy.



THE THRILL
ACW-NWA Wisconsin
Home Video Technical Director...&
A2NWO 4 Life!
(Click the big G or here to hear the Packers Fight Song in RealAudio...or try .AU, .WAV or .MIDI!)
JoshMann
Andouille








Since: 17.11.03
From: Tallahassee, FL

Since last post: 5736 days
Last activity: 5733 days
#24 Posted on | Instant Rating: 4.89
I don't usually pat people on the back for a post, but well played, Thrill, well played.

Actually there were a few things that hampered my enjoyment of that movie, and it was one too many subplots and the fact that it looked like "Sleepy Hollow" with new and improved monsters. Plus most of the little flaws that have alrady been mentioned.

Whoever played Dracula (forget who right now, although my date knew who it was) needed to take a few more Tim Curry lessons because that performance will be enjoyable unintentional comedy fare for years to come. Someone mentioned Johnny Depp before? THAT would have been the best part for him.

By the way, and speaking of Rocky Horror was it me or was the one villager who was the big thorn in Van Helsing's side look a little too much like Riff? Just sayin.

Decent, and some nice F/X in parts but I wouldn't go running out to own it or even see it again.

(edited by Blanket Jackson on 10.5.04 0845)


"I never understood how the hell they got more chicks than I did. Now I know. They sold crap on eBay."
A Fan
Liverwurst








Since: 3.1.02

Since last post: 7001 days
Last activity: 7001 days
#25 Posted on | Instant Rating: 2.73
I thought it was a good movie. I did like the opening in black and white with the angery mob, it was a nice throw back. Dracula was a bit of a disappointment, but I knew that after seeing the second trailer. The Wolf Man and Frankenstien impressed me more with the CGI and story. I like the ending since they were obviously going with the sequel theme. I don't know how you do a sequel after killing the big three and an out of nowhere villian.

I thought the movie was going to be painfully bad, but it was enjoyable for what it was. Of course, it was my first ever drive inn, so the uniqueness of it all probably helped.
krakken2000
Kishke








Since: 31.10.02
From: seattle

Since last post: 5444 days
Last activity: 5171 days
#26 Posted on | Instant Rating: 4.00
    Originally posted by The Thrill

    * Dracula has no emotions, yet he's still passionate, horny, and has more kids than Shawn Kemp.




Best joke I have heard in some time, huzzah!

(edited by krakken2000 on 10.5.04 0821)


www.flamingboxofstuff.com
drjayphd
Scrapple
Moderator








Since: 22.4.02
From: New Hampshire

Since last post: 766 days
Last activity: 350 days
ICQ:  
#27 Posted on | Instant Rating: 6.30
You wanted the best, you got... Out of Context Quote of the Week.


"Finally You Can See Your Meat" (Roy.)


    Originally posted by krakken2000
      Originally posted by The Thrill
      * Dracula has no emotions, yet he's still passionate, horny, and has more kids than Shawn Kemp.




    Best joke I have heard in some time, huzzah!

    (edited by krakken2000 on 10.5.04 0821)


Nuh-uh. This was.

    Originally posted by The Thrill
    * Van Helsing can shoot about 10 billion silver stakes from his Gatling crossbow, and hit neither one of Dracula's bitches or the female lead, even when they're right next to each other. Conclusion: the Vatican outsourced his marksmanship training to COBRA!


(deleted by JMShapiro on 16.5.04 0024)

(resurrected by JMShapiro on 16.5.04 0024) errant click!

(edited by JMShapiro on 16.5.04 0025)


DEAN's Nuggets of Wisdom:

"A-Train could wear a Vampirella outfit and I would toast a load to it."
MollyFan2K2
Blutwurst








Since: 26.6.02
From: Ware, MA

Since last post: 6159 days
Last activity: 6105 days
#28 Posted on | Instant Rating: 4.95
I saw it yesterday, and I enjoyed it for the most part. I'm not beside myself with love for the movie but it was by no means terribly bad. The ending in the clouds was terrible, though. And Dracula was awesome. You could tell that Roxborough was having fun playing someone that over-the-top. So: enjoyable, fun, nothing spectacular. Almost every girl who has seen it that I have talked to however, looooved it, especially for Van Helsing and Drac.

I (think) I have the ageless Van Helsing figured out. His name is Gabriel and he was referenced as being the left hand of God, so he is almost certainly the angel Gabriel, or at least he was when he killed mortal Drac. Then he (somehow) came to earth as a human baby on the steps of the Vatican to generally fight evil (although I would think he'd be able to do it better as an angel).



A shark on whiskey is mighty risky, a shark on bear is a bear engineer.
ThreepMe
Morcilla








Since: 15.2.02
From: Dallas

Since last post: 7145 days
Last activity: 6804 days
#29 Posted on | Instant Rating: 3.92
I thought overall it sucked.

The action was alright. I did make note that no matter how many ropes, chains or cables you grab and swing from you will always grab it right where you need to swing over to some other, plot important, location.

I though Hugh did a good job and I think Beckinsale did pretty good...Roxburg...What the hell happened? He's usually pretty good, this was like bad dinner theatre.

He was overly melodramatic and commanded the presence of a small poodle. I know he was suppose to be classically cheesy, but check out some of those old school Draculas (Christopher Lee, Bela Lugosi) they were cheesy, but still owned each scene they were in. They had an aura of power.

Not so much with Roxburg. At my theatre people were laughing at most of his acting.

I felt that this movie failed to be whatever it was suppose to be. Either cheesy action or Bad Ass with an agenda.

It half assed both.

For a great review...

http://www.livejournal.com/ users/devildoll/492670.html? #cutid1

Chock full of spoilers, but very accurate.

edit: added URL

(edited by ThreepMe on 10.5.04 1340)


"Are you kidding me? A soda with MY name on it? Now more than ever, SODAS RULE!" - Edge to Christian Smackdown Sept 7th 2000
Zeruel
Thirty Millionth Hit
Moderator








Since: 2.1.02
From: The Silver Spring in the Land of Mary.

Since last post: 1675 days
Last activity: 1675 days
#30 Posted on | Instant Rating: 4.05
No love for Carl, damnit?

I thought he was a good sidekick to Van Helsings's straight-man.




The Catastrophic Annihilation War Room

The Vile1
Lap cheong








Since: 4.9.02
From: California

Since last post: 5456 days
Last activity: 5188 days
#31 Posted on | Instant Rating: 3.66
I agree Zeruel, I thought David Wenham was great in the film as Friar Carl. I enjoyed his character in Van Helsing a lot more than when he was Faramir in The Lord of the Rings. I just feel he showed a lot more range in Van Helsing. If you think I'm crazy...yes I am .




"Just a humble bounty hunter, ma'am."
-Spike Spiegel
The Thrill
Banger








Since: 16.4.02
From: Green Bay, WI

Since last post: 3633 days
Last activity: 232 days
#32 Posted on | Instant Rating: 4.25

    Originally posted by drjayphd
      Originally posted by krakken2000
        Originally posted by The Thrill
        * Dracula has no emotions, yet he's still passionate, horny, and has more kids than Shawn Kemp.




      Best joke I have heard in some time, huzzah!

      (edited by krakken2000 on 10.5.04 0821)


    Nuh-uh. This was.

      Originally posted by The Thrill
      * Van Helsing can shoot about 10 billion silver stakes from his Gatling crossbow, and hit neither one of Dracula's bitches or the female lead, even when they're right next to each other. Conclusion: the Vatican outsourced his marksmanship training to COBRA!



    Originally posted by Blanket Jackson
    I don't usually pat people on the back for a post, but well played, Thrill, well played.


Thank you, my friends. *humble bow*



Star wipe, and...we're out.
Thrillin' ain't easy.



THE THRILL
ACW-NWA Wisconsin
Home Video Technical Director...&
A2NWO 4 Life!
(Click the big G or here to hear the Packers Fight Song in RealAudio...or try .AU, .WAV or .MIDI!)
kazhayashi81
Potato korv








Since: 17.6.02
From: Buenos Aires, Argentina

Since last post: 6145 days
Last activity: 6095 days
#33 Posted on | Instant Rating: 3.03
I saw it yesterday, and it might have been the worst movie I've ever seen in the theatres. It was so incredibly plodding, the direction on it was terrible(yes, we get that you had a lot of money and built big expensive sets, but god damn, use some moderation). None of the acting was all that bad, although the most interesting villian was killed within the first 20 minutes. It was just so badly written, edited, and directed. We went for my little brother's birthday. The entire last 50 minutes were complete tack-on, as the film had been building towards a nice little battle, then it just.... KEPT... GOING. An action movie should definitely have more action.





"I do not have puppet cancer!"
Twisted Thoughts and Vanilla Midgets: The best blog about me
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I had a chance to catch reruns of the first two weeks of Dream Job on ESPN recently, and was hooked. I just watched week three and I have to say that the judges and America could not have been more correct.
- Torchslasher, Dream Job in Week Three (2004)
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