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The W - Random - The Vile1 does VAN HELSING
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The Vile1
Lap cheong








Since: 4.9.02
From: California

Since last post: 2011 days
Last activity: 1743 days
#1 Posted on | Instant Rating: 3.66
Here's my review of the film I saw at a screening earlier this week:

VAN HELSING REVIEW (hybridmagazine.com)

The long story short, I really enjoyed it. I know, I know I'm probably crazy and you'd be right, but hey it was like a big budget b-movie like Hellboy and it was a fun adventure like Pirates of the Carribbean. I really like the nostalgia and the pacing of Stephen Sommers films, and if you're not in the mood for a fun popcorn flick or hated The Mummy, The Mummy Returns, The Jungle Book, or Deep Rising you'll probably want to sit this one out.

One more thing. If you need more reason to see this movie...well...it has FLAMING MIDGETS!

PS

If any midgets or Moriarty from AICN are reading, I apologize about the flaming midgets thing...but they are in the movie .


(edited by The Vile1 on 6.5.04 2029)


"Just a humble bounty hunter, ma'am."
-Spike Spiegel
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krakken2000
Kishke








Since: 31.10.02
From: seattle

Since last post: 1999 days
Last activity: 1726 days
#2 Posted on | Instant Rating: 4.00
I really wanted to like this movie as I had been waiting for gthe first fun summer popcorn film. I'm still waiting. It was just too much for, bad dialogue, too many poorly done cliches (Pirates of the Carribbean also used cliches in its storytelling...but in a clever way). The movie was laughable in its execution.



Spoiler Below: Highlight text to read



I think that Dracula's brides must have suprised a character by suddenly appearing, standing quietly and waiting to say "Boo!", at least 1,226,745 times.

And what about that scene where the first hatch of
baby vampires attacks, and the villagers all RUN OUT
INTO THE STREET and stand staring at the sky in
slack-jawed amazement, waiting to be dragged away for
dinner. Has there been a more unintentionally comic
scene? Ever?

And how about that horse-drawn stagecoach "jump"? In
the trailers it looked ghostly and sort of cool, like
demon horses or something. But in the movie it's just
played straight. Ordinary horses, your basic gaping
chasm with the bridge out -- step on the gas, Luke,
the General Lee can jump that! (And the double-coach switcheroo! Did Anna's coach take the other bridge over the bottomless drop, or what?)

And speaking of chasms. The only thing more ubiquitous
than conveniently dangling ropes (cables, chains, grapplers) was mind-bogglingly precipitous drops over
yawning abysses.

Seeing Kate's face in the clouds with her family, and then there tear -- man, that was just hilarious. I can't believe they did that. People were jeering and howling. All I could think of was the Bleeding Gums Murphy death episode.

Speaking of howling, another hilarious moment was
when Hugh Jackman was holding dead Kate -- "Ow-oooooooo!" kick in on the soundtrack.

And what was with the Jawaa-like assistants? What WERE those things? And how about the green exploding vampire babies? And that moment when Hugh Jackman uses his werewolf powers to leap up the building but then in the next scene forgets about the powers and resorts to
slowly climping up a chain.

AND WHY WERE PEOPLE ALWAYS SWINGING FROM CABLES AND ROPES?!?!? They ripped the Luke/Leia rope-swinging scene right out of Star Wars. Every time somebody got in a jam they solved it by swinging from a rope in an impossible fashion. Sure, of course Anna caught the serum in mid-swing over a gaping chasm. Get that Carl dude in the major leagues! Sigh.
>


(edited by krakken2000 on 7.5.04 0913)

(edited by krakken2000 on 7.5.04 0914)

Wirrah softly cooed “Jub jub?” into Sorroo’s ear. “Jub jub” she responded back in an almost desperate whisper. Peeking through her hood he could see the brown fur of her ears stand on end. In the warm glow of night Wirrah gently removed Sorroo’s wedding tunic revealing her bare shoulders. Standing before him naked, Sorroo urged Wirrah forward to take her from behind as is the custom of the Ewok on the day of marriage.

As the sound of Imperial Walkers could be heard in the distance, Wirrah entered into the warmth that was Sorroo. The act was finished almost as quickly as it started; Ewok love is a speedy love. They would repeat the act forty-nine times that evening before collapsing into their thatched lover's bed in a pile of dampened exhaustion.

As Wirrah gently fell into the evening’s slumber; Sorroo thought to herself “Jub Jub...”
StaggerLee
Scrapple








Since: 3.10.02
From: Right side of the tracks

Since last post: 4 days
Last activity: 1 day
#3 Posted on | Instant Rating: 3.46
WTF is a popcorn film? What qualifies a film for this status?



Thank you for your irrelevant opinion.
samoflange
Lap cheong








Since: 22.2.04
From: Cambridge, MA

Since last post: 370 days
Last activity: 362 days
#4 Posted on | Instant Rating: 2.30
    Originally posted by StaggerLee
    WTF is a popcorn film? What qualifies a film for this status?


One that you go and see if only for the opportunity to get delicious movie theatre popcorn?

Or one which, after seeing it, you can say the popcorn was the best part of your experience?



Lloyd: When I met Mary, I got that old fashioned romantic feeling, where I'd do anything to bone her.
Harry: That's a special feeling.
krakken2000
Kishke








Since: 31.10.02
From: seattle

Since last post: 1999 days
Last activity: 1726 days
#5 Posted on | Instant Rating: 4.00
    Originally posted by StaggerLee
    WTF is a popcorn film? What qualifies a film for this status?


You have never heard the expression "popcorn film" before? It's used often to describe a summer action type blockbuster. "Independance Day" and "Jurrasic Park" are examples of popcorn films.



Wirrah softly cooed “Jub jub?” into Sorroo’s ear. “Jub jub” she responded back in an almost desperate whisper. Peeking through her hood he could see the brown fur of her ears stand on end. In the warm glow of night Wirrah gently removed Sorroo’s wedding tunic revealing her bare shoulders. Standing before him naked, Sorroo urged Wirrah forward to take her from behind as is the custom of the Ewok on the day of marriage.

As the sound of Imperial Walkers could be heard in the distance, Wirrah entered into the warmth that was Sorroo. The act was finished almost as quickly as it started; Ewok love is a speedy love. They would repeat the act forty-nine times that evening before collapsing into their thatched lover's bed in a pile of dampened exhaustion.

As Wirrah gently fell into the evening’s slumber; Sorroo thought to herself “Jub Jub...”
Torchslasher
Knackwurst








Since: 17.1.02
From: New F'n Jersey

Since last post: 3 days
Last activity: 2 days
#6 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.75
    Originally posted by krakken2000
      Originally posted by StaggerLee
      WTF is a popcorn film? What qualifies a film for this status?


    You have never heard the expression "popcorn film" before? It's used often to describe a summer action type blockbuster. "Independance Day" and "Jurrasic Park" are examples of popcorn films.


Exactly. A "popcorn film" is a movie that you should turn your brain off and just enjoy. If you think too much about it, you will undoubtedly find many flaws in every action blockbuster movie. But if you just go with the expectation of enjoying the story without critical analysis, you should have no problem.

Speaking of which, one of my favorite popcorn movies was Air Force One with Harrison Ford. Forget the fact that the premise is ridiculous and the fact that presidents usually don't have the fortitude of a John McClane. I just turned the brain off, ate my popcorn, and enjoyed the action and acting.



"Did Webb see it?"- Cal Meechum
"Unless he's blind"- Joe Wilson
"Check him. Oh, and Joe, until we find out what happened all three of us are blind"- Cal
"I'll go poke Webb's eyes out"- Crow T. Robot

MST3K- The Movie
The Vile1
Lap cheong








Since: 4.9.02
From: California

Since last post: 2011 days
Last activity: 1743 days
#7 Posted on | Instant Rating: 3.66
That's a good analysis. Popcorn films are more about passive viewing, rather than self-conscious active viewing of a Bertholt Brecht nature. "Caucasian Chalk Circle" Van Helsing was not. But HEY! Like DDP says, sometimes that's not a bad thing...that's...A GOOD THING!




"Just a humble bounty hunter, ma'am."
-Spike Spiegel
oldschoolhero
Knackwurst








Since: 2.1.02
From: nWo Country

Since last post: 1986 days
Last activity: 1920 days
#8 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.43
What REALLY pisses me off about Van Helsing is that, whilst it was half-okay for a once-off watch, it cost like $100bazillion and ate up a concept that could've made the best action/horror film of the last decade. It was your basic Stephen Sommers flick-all set-pieces, no characterisation to speak of, hilariously unscary villains-and that's fine for what it is, but this is a concept that could've been THE franchise for the new millennium. Imagine having a Viggo Mortensen as Van, or even someone less action-oriented like a Depp or a Bana. Make him a real religious zealot, but infuriatingly smart, rather than the 2D kick-ass man-with-a-past that Jackman's was. And for the love of God, his name is ABRAHAM. Gabriel's just....wrong.



For Relaxing Times...Make It Suntory Time

Tenken347
Boudin blanc








Since: 27.2.03
From: Parts Unknown

Since last post: 16 hours
Last activity: 1 hour
#9 Posted on | Instant Rating: 4.56
I also enjoyed it for what it was. I'd give it a B+. Neat, improbable action, and plenty of classic horror monsters. I still think they should have just optioned the Castlevania property, though. And yes, it seriously could have used a better ending.
evilwaldo
Lap cheong








Since: 7.2.02
From: New York, NY

Since last post: 3406 days
Last activity: 3187 days
AIM:  
#10 Posted on | Instant Rating: 0.00
Krakken, you are so right.

This movie would have been much better if it was advertised as a comedy instead of a big budget Hollywood film. My favorites parts were:


Spoiler Below: Highlight text to read
How did Frankenstein get so smart after spending a year in a hole with only the bible to read? I have to go back and look for Dracula references.

Kate Beckinsale looked great in that 19th century spandex.

Every cast member had great hair especially Hugh Jackman whose hair looked dry 2 seconds after falling into pools of water.

This film started out good for the first 20 minutes until they went into the James Bond lab at the Vatican. Was anyone else looking for Bond to walk out for a cameo? After that the film dropped off a cliff.

Van Helsing's rope gun has MILES and MILES of rope.

Frankenstein's get teal and yellow swatches of clothing.

Kate Beckinsale had the perfect boob covering clothing in case she got wet to go along with her corset and heels.

Van Helsing (a Christian) fought in a battle on the side of the Jews against the Romans? ok.

Frankenstein had a lot of electrical sparks coming from his head and bolts yet seemed unaffected and unafraid of large pools of water and heavy rain.

If Frankenstein is afraid of fire you would have thought that he would have figured out that the roof of the carriage was on fire sooner.



Go in expecting a great comedy with the best looking film cast ever.







Are you a professional halfwit or talented amateur?
Nate The Snake
Liverwurst








Since: 9.1.02
From: Wichita, Ks

Since last post: 3747 days
Last activity: 3217 days
AIM:  
#11 Posted on | Instant Rating: 4.83
To be fair to the people behind Van Helsing...


Spoiler Below: Highlight text to read
The "smart Frankenstien's Monster" angle is actually a lot more faithful to the original story, as far as I know. The lumbering, moronic zombie version was pretty much a Hollywood creation. The "abnormal" brain that the Monster got was supposed to be psychotic/criminally insane, not mentally deficient - so that, oddly, might be the most "accurate" part of the whole movie. Go figure, huh?


This movie REALLY would've been a lot better with the Castlevania name, though. Then they could've made it as over-the-top as they wanted and nobody would've cared. The Van Helsing name has a bit more of a "traditional" connotation, I think... could have/should have been done considerably more low-key and cerebral.



Kansas-born and deeply ashamed
The last living La Parka Marka

"They that can give up essential liberty to gain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - Benjamin Franklin
oldschoolhero
Knackwurst








Since: 2.1.02
From: nWo Country

Since last post: 1986 days
Last activity: 1920 days
#12 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.43

Spoiler Below: Highlight text to read
You're right about the humanised Frank, Nate-that was the one thing they managed to get right, and the only one of the trio of horror icons to escape unscathed. There were just so many plotholes....how did Van Helsing, Carl and Anna's corpse get out of Dracula's castle at the close of the movie? The entrance was one way, and Dracula only got out by flying. Unless they had some kind of Da Vinci-style contraption squirreled away somewhere, that is. And if the ONLY way to kill Drac was the bite of a werewolf, why didn't he go about his marauding business by day? AND if Van Helsing had enough control over his wolf-self to take out Drac, why on Earth could he not stop himself from killing Anna?
The Vile1
Lap cheong








Since: 4.9.02
From: California

Since last post: 2011 days
Last activity: 1743 days
#13 Posted on | Instant Rating: 3.66
I think you guys are reading way too much into the movie, which you don't really need to do. Don't try to question everything especially in a flick like Van Helsing. I mean, I'm sure someone could come up with valid answers to oldschoolhero's or other people's questions or debate their validity all day long, but in the end...what's the point?

When you think about fallacies in movies too much you're just going to hurt your head . I mean I feel that way about the original Matrix movie. When I think about it too much and ask questions about it that don't really need to be asked, it annoys me...so I just forget about it and watch people kick ass.




"Just a humble bounty hunter, ma'am."
-Spike Spiegel
CarlCX
Salami








Since: 1.5.02
From: California.

Since last post: 42 days
Last activity: 1 day
AIM:  
#14 Posted on | Instant Rating: 4.92
Man, I wanted to like this, and it wasn't HORRIBLE, but it WAS bad enough to annoy the crap out of me. (spoilers follow)


Spoiler Below: Highlight text to read

So lemme get this straight. The townspeople are being dominated by Dracula and his evil flying vampires, which only attack ONCE every month--so they all choose to set up shop and live at the foot of THE GREAT EVIL CASTLE FRANKENSTEIN WHERE THE EVIL MONSTER WAS CREATED, and never ever move.

And Dracula decides to create the cure for vampirism, which he has so that should a werewolf turn against him, his one potential weakness, he can instantly be cured...and he keeps it alllllll the way at the other end of his white castle of fear.

And Frankenstein's Monster, agonizing over his issues of guilt and knowing that he has to stay away from Dracula at all costs...decides to live right next to the place where Drac last tried to kidnap him.

And Dracula wants to create a huge strike force of baby vampires--despite the fact that, as the masquerade scene demonstrated, he already HAS an army of FULLY-GROWN vampires.

Bad writing, bad acting, bad directing especially. Jackman and Beckinsdale were okay, and the inventor was even kinda good, but the guy who played Drac--my GOD. One of the worst actors I have ever seen.

"I AM AT WARRR WITH ALLLLL LIIIIIIIIIFE"

This could have been better if they'd taken it less seriously.
evilwaldo
Lap cheong








Since: 7.2.02
From: New York, NY

Since last post: 3406 days
Last activity: 3187 days
AIM:  
#15 Posted on | Instant Rating: 0.00
    Originally posted by The Vile1
    I think you guys are reading way too much into the movie, which you don't really need to do. Don't try to question everything especially in a flick like Van Helsing. I mean, I'm sure someone could come up with valid answers to oldschoolhero's or other people's questions or debate their validity all day long, but in the end...what's the point?

    When you think about fallacies in movies too much you're just going to hurt your head . I mean I feel that way about the original Matrix movie. When I think about it too much and ask questions about it that don't really need to be asked, it annoys me...so I just forget about it and watch people kick ass.


It's not that we are getting picky but when the theater starts laughing halfway through and at the end EVERYONE is roaring with laughter the film deserves abuse. Oh, and the film is billed as a drama.



Are you a professional halfwit or talented amateur?
Retrovertigo
Tocino








Since: 20.12.03
From: Fairfield, OH

Since last post: 3784 days
Last activity: 3782 days
#16 Posted on | Instant Rating: 3.66
I went in expecting it to be humorously bad. Instead, it was painfully bad. I went in expecting it to be stupid fun, but the stupidity just overpowered the fun. This from someone who was looking for a popcorn movie.

I simply could not enjoy it and found myself just trying to get through it. The plot was terrible, inconsistencies abounded, just about every sight gag from the past 30 years of movies was ripped off (an exaggeration, obviously, but it avoids spoilers while explaining how it beyond "homage" and into "sheer lazy writing"), the actor playing Dracula was awful, the pacing was way off, and the camera work was way too chaotic for most of it.

Aside from Richard Roxburgh's terrible Dracula, the cast did a decent job with the shitty material. That, and the simple eye candy of Kate Beckinsale in a corset, is just barely enough to keep me from calling it the worst movie I've ever seen in a theater. Matrix: Revolutions just barely keeps that strap.
oldschoolhero
Knackwurst








Since: 2.1.02
From: nWo Country

Since last post: 1986 days
Last activity: 1920 days
#17 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.43
    Originally posted by The Vile1
    I think you guys are reading way too much into the movie, which you don't really need to do. Don't try to question everything especially in a flick like Van Helsing. I mean, I'm sure someone could come up with valid answers to oldschoolhero's or other people's questions or debate their validity all day long, but in the end...what's the point?


Because popcorn flicks don't have to make you beat your own head in with stupidity. Look at Pirates Of The Caribbean-that managed to have great performances, a funny and fast-moving script, set-pieces that actually made sense, and still managed to maintain an overall internal logic. It's probably not fair to compare the two because Pirates was the best popcorn film of the last five years or so, but still...most of Van Helsing made less sense than both of Sommers' Mummy films put together. It's what separates good films from, y'know, BAD ones.





Once upon a time in China, some believe, around the year one double-ought three, head priest of the White Lotus Clan, Pai Mei was walking down the road, contemplating whatever it is that a man of Pai Mei's infinite power contemplates - which is another way of saying "who knows" - when a Shaolin monk appeared, traveling in the opposite direction. As the monk and the priest crossed paths, Pai Mei, in a practically unfathomable display of generosity, gave the monk the slightest of nods. The nod was not returned. Now was it the intention of the Shaolin monk to insult Pai Mei or did he just fail to see the generous social gesture? The motives of the monk remain unknown. What is known, are the consequences. The next morning Pai Mei appeared at the Shaolin Temple and demanded of the Temple's head abbot that he offer Pai Mei his neck to repay the insult. The Abbot at first tried to console Pai Mei, only to find Pai Mei was inconsolable. So began the massacre of the Shaolin Temple and all 60 of the monks inside at the fists of the White Lotus. And so began the legend of Pai Mei's five point palm exploding heart technique.
Freeway
Scrapple








Since: 3.1.02
From: Calgary

Since last post: 304 days
Last activity: 1 day
#18 Posted on | Instant Rating: 6.11
Wow. Just...wow. I had the choice between leaving work at 1am and sleeping, but the lure of cute girls and a free movie got me to hang out afterwards and watch Van Helsing until 3:15. Dear god...there are no words. Painfully, mind-bogglingly bad. Frankenstein got portrayed as a lumbering idiot, the Wolfman was just a recurring plot device, Dracula was a doddering idiot, and Van Helsing was retarded. The plot was scattershot at best, breaking rules they set up early on repeatedly just for the chance for a quick joke. Tons of movies got ripped off. My favorite rip-off was the Batman homage (tiny spoiler...Van Helsing & Anna escape from a castle with a grabbling hook just like Batman & Vicki Vale escaped from the museum. The Wolfman chases after them exactly like the Joker did). "Where does he get those wonderful toys?"

Very, very bad. Very. If I gave star ratings (and I do), I'd give if HALF a star out of 5. Half.

Avoid.

(edited by Freeway420 on 9.5.04 0336)


THE NHL'S FINAL FOUR:
Western Conference Final: San Jose Sharks vs. Calgary Flames [Game 1: Sunday]
Eastern Conference Final: Tampa Bay Lightning vs. Philadelphia Flyers [Game 1: Saturday]
Jaguar
Knackwurst








Since: 23.1.02
From: Phoenix, AZ

Since last post: 197 days
Last activity: 197 days
#19 Posted on | Instant Rating: 6.86
Apparently I saw a different movie than the rest of you. I was sold on this movie from the very beginning. Who could not enjoy the over the top campyness of the black and white? And Dracula? Dracula was the best part of that movie. That man needs his own sequel.

Yes, the end in the clouds was painfully bad, but I was certainly happy with the rest of the movie.

-Jag



Pat Tillman, rest in peace.

I don't think you understand how hard it is to drive a brand into the ground, and erode the popular support that has flourished for over thirty years. I get up early. And I don't go to bed until I've made some very poor decisions.
Mr Heel II
Lap cheong








Since: 25.2.02

Since last post: 5 days
Last activity: 16 hours
#20 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.51
I went in with the mindset it was going to be extremely silly (how could it NOT with "The Mummy" people behind it?) and all I can say is I'm glad I saw it at a drive-in where the wife could enjoy it in peace while I drifted in and out of sleep, occasionally wandered the grounds, and played video games on my phone.

She really liked it, though.
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I loved Baseball Stars, and still have a notebook full of the codes for my seasons in Bases Loaded. And as much as I loved Tecmo Super Bowl, I am still waiting patiently for the day someone re-releases Blades of Steel.
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