Back again with the top 100 returns! I've had a LOT of feedback for the last installment, mostly people BEGGING me to continue because they can't live without my top 100 so here's numbers 80 to 61 and if that doesn't satisfy you then NOTHING WILL and you might as well start taking drugs because there's no other way you'll ever get any jizzoy out of life you druggie!
80 - Dean Malenko: This technical genius was teh star of WCW's cruiserweight division thoruhgout most the eithties and nineties where he had the most technical matches eever, so technical that they sent all the viewers to sleep half the time! Dean would never ONCE play up the crowd or try to make them care about the match because his Dad (Boris "The Hammer" Malenko) taught him that you have to pretend wrestling is real because in a real fight you'd never play up to the crowd! This isn't true, of course! I've been in lots of real fights and I always manage to flirt with all the girls who are watching while I'm in action! This cost Dean when he joined the WWF and sent all the ATtitude fans into comas with his boring twenty minute wristlocks so Vince gave him a gimick where he was a James Bond style SEX MACHINE but he even managed to mess this up as he couldn't even get Lita (the slut!) into bed! However he did break Scotty 2 Hotty's neck with a top rope DDT so his WWF run wasn't a 100% failure! Just 99.99%.
FUN FACT: Dean doesn't really know one thousand holds, just 997. And one of them is the stinkface.
79 - Dusty Rhodes: If you WHEEL! Dusty is the big fat son of a butcher who captured America's heart in the eighties by being fat and dancing (kind of like Rikish, hmmm) and beating up Ric Flair all over the south using only his elbow and fat belly! Dusty had aboslutely no wrestling talent at all and never learned to read, write, or speak when he was youg, but everyone loved him anyway! He also invented the "Dusty Finish" which is where the heel puts his foot over the bottom rope during the pin then, while the referee is explaining what's going on to the timekeeper, he hits the face in the face with a steel briefcase for the win!
FUN FACT: Dusty is the grandfather of Little Dakota!
78 - Stephanie McMahon: The second (BUT NOT THE LAST!) woman to make the list! Stephanie is best know today as the evil bitch who dared to get pregnant by Triple H and the killer of ECW but back in 2001 she appeared to have a promising wrestling career ahead of her! She took on Trish Stratus in a match at No Way Out that was SO GOOD that everyone watching got a hard-on! And not just because the two sexy girls (Stephanie was sexy back then!) got all wet during the match! And remember that time when she was GM of Smackdown and she was wearing leather pants and she got knocked out and Hulk Hogan carried her backstage? She was hot then. And that match with her dear old daddy Vince was good too because he hit her in the face with a steel pipe! So as I've proven Stephanie McMahon really is the 78th best wrestler ever!
CATCHPHRASE: Stop staring at my boobs!
77 - Low Ki: Or "Sense-Shu" if you're a gay TNA fan! Or even a straight one (like there are any lol). Low Ki was the first man to ever hold the ROH title when he beat Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka for it way back in olden days of 2002! He is known for his stiff kicks and bad interviews! Want to know the secret behind his stiff kicks? He just kicks you really fukking hard, dood! Want to know the secret behind his bad interviews? There isn't one, he just sucks at talking! Low Ki is also known for having an over-inflated sense of self worth and has refused to job in every wrestling promotion on the planet! He even refused to job to the Little Bastard in the Irish Pot Of God Wrestling company! He sold out to TNA for big bucks and will now job to anyone, even Nash!
CATCHPHRASE: You cannot BEAT ME. All you can do is BE READY for ME to BEAT YOU...badly! Grrrr!
76 - Rowdy Roddy Piper: Aye laddie, he's a bonnie wee moose loose about this hoose! That's Scottish for...I don't know, really, but it must mean something! Roddy Piper was born in Scotland during the Second World War but left for America when the NAZIS started bombing his home! He soon discovered alcohol and then wrestling and his mix of being drunk and being Scottish sent him right to the top of the wrestling world! Piper didn't actually know any wrestling holds except the sleeper (taught to him by his mentor Brutas Beefcake) but he was carried to some classic matches by Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair and Virgil. Piper was also known for his outrageous stunts 35 years BEFORE DX such as when he sprayed some guy who was smoking with a fire extinguisher and hit Kamala with a coconut then painted half his body black and said "I'm his half-brother!" Piper continues to wrestle today despite having both his lips, kneecaps and elbows replaced and he eats haggis before every match for strength.
CATCHPHRASE: Just when you think I'm all out of bubblegum, I kick some ass!
75 - John Cena: OMG, the controversery! I know this position is bound to lead to thousands of angry emails...from people who think he shouldn't even be on the list! And in terms of talent alone of course he shouldnt: his punches are gay, the FU gayer, the STFU is so gay that it's a lesbian and that's his GOOD points! However he has been in some good matches with real pros like HHH and remember when he first started rapping on Brock Lesnar? He was cool then! However like everyone EVER who's had success and made lots of money he became a SELL-OUT and lost his cool and his self respect and traded them in to become a FAKE MARINE in a FAKE MOVIE! Hopefully someone will rob him of all his money so that he might get his edge back but I doubt we'll be that lucky!
FUN FACT: Cena is for babies!
74 - Hardcore Holly: Formely known as Bob "Thurman Sparky Plugg" Holly, this racedriver has come a long way and stiffed a lot of defenceless opponents to get where he is today (ECW mid-card!) Hardcore IS one of the legitist tough guys in the business and if he ever got into a bar fight with Meng and Farooq, well, he'd probably die but he'd take them to hell with him! He is also a good worker and used to have the best dropkick in the business until several better dropkicks came along so now nobody calls his dropkick the best anymore but it's still pretty good! Holly's most famous match was he gave Al Snow the Alabama Jammer right into the Misssiisispiipi river then ate a crate of bananas!
TITLES HELD: Several.
73 - The Big Show: Do I even have to recap the legendary career of Paul "The Big Show" Wight? Good, because even I can't remember all his face and heel turns! He's turned so often now that whenever his music hits the fans don't react at all, not because he isn't over but just because they can't remember if they're supposed to be cheering or booing the large lad! Big Show is a LEGIT standing seven feet tall and a LEGIT weighing in at 507 pounds (or less if he's took a dump before his match!) and the fact that he can move at all makes him, pound for pound, the most agile man in wrestling! However contary to popular belife he is NOT the son of the late, great, unlisted Andre The Giant and in fact has never even met(!) the big Andre! Big Show will retire at Wrestlemania 23 after Hulk Hogan bodyslams him because it's excepted that the slam will break his back forcing him to retire anyway!
FINISHING MOVE: Aaaaahthechokeslam!
72 - The Great Mutant: Wrestled for WCW in the late eighties, early nineties and then again in the late nineties as a tag team with the Vampyrio! He was also a big star in Japan I think for a few months and he invented the moonsault (used to be called the mutantsault) and also spraying mist (used to be real mist!) so he's a real innovator of innovation!
TITLES HELD: Ten.
71 - Road Dogg: OH YOU DIDN'T KNOW? Road Doggy Dogg has good punches and can "work a crowd" in the "Memphis style" like his dad (The Bulletman) and his uncle (Jerry Lawler)! Road Dogg, also known as Jesses Jammes and Billy Jack Jammes, is best known for his tag team with Billy Gunn in the WWF in the nineties. And, even though they SUCKED in the ring, the Outlaws were the biggest most popular tag team of the time becasue they wore South Park t-shirts and beat up the Honky Tonk Man. Road Dogg eventually left the persue a singing career then left his singing career to RE-persue a wrestling career which he did in TNA:NWA and he's still there today just turn on one of their shows and you'll see for yourself!
FUN FACT: Road Dogg invented the pump handle slam. Nobody has ever tried to steal it from him. Because it sucks.
70 - Viscera: The world's largestest love machine started his career under his real name of Mable in the Smoky Mountain Wrestling and was soon spotted by WWF talent scouts and sent to the big leagues with his brother Mo and best friend/rapper Oscar! Vince saw much potential in Mable, believe he could be the next Andre the Giant and so had him win the King Of The ring tournament beating such names as Doink and Savio Vega along the way! Mable had a better than expected (*1/2) match with Diesel at Summerslam but refused to wrestle in a black singlet like Andre and the CLICK saw their oppurtinity to hold him down and he got fired! Luckily justice was done when he returned to the WWF as the Undertaker's second in command Viscera and ate Mideon's soul or something! Then someone noticed that the chicks dig Big Vis so he became the world's biggest, blackest love machine and had a real life affair with Lillian which is pretty cool...but not as cool as that rolling kick thing he does sometimes!
FUN FACT: Mo is a virgin.
69 - Molly Holly: 69! That's what I'd like to do to her naked ass lol! The third (BUT NOT THE LAST (there's two more!) woman to make the list! Molly started wrestling after she won a beauty contest called "Miss Madness 1999, Oooooh yeah!" and got to have a threesome with Macho and Elizabeth (RIP)! The sex was so horrible that she became a born again Virgin/Christian five minutes later and decided to fight the evils of evil as a heroic woman wrestler in wrestling! Molly used to date her cousin Crash Holly (RIP) but he got angry because she wouldn't put out so then she dated Spike Dudely but got angry because he sucks and started dating the Hurricane but he dumped her because of her huge ass and then she got a different haircut and became hot then she left the WWE! That's her whole career done so there's nothing left to see but yes, I'd hit it!
FUN FACT: Molly likes Star Trek: The Next Generation but not Star Trek: Voyager.
68 - Tazz: Most Easy Dub fans will think I'm crazy and that Tazz should be in the top ten, whereas those who only sizzaw him in the WWF (99.99% of you!) will think he shouldn't even be on the list! The truth is that Tazz is a great wrestler and a great shooter (he once beat Jerry Seinfeld into near death in his highschool wrestling team...shame it wasn't Michael Richards!) and he wasn't allowed to use his skills in the WWF becuase he would have made Kurt Angle look silly, the same way Daniel Puder did! Tazz invented ALL the suplexes the Ring Of Honor guys use by the way.
FUN FACT: Tazz invented ALL the suplexes the Ring Of Honor guys use! Don't know if I already mentioned that.
67 - Shelton Benjamin: Ain't no startin' his push, yo! Even the DUMBEST GAYEST MARK can tell that Shelton is one of the most talented wrestlers in the WWE (if not the world!) and is obviously being held down by HHH! I'm not saying it's because Shelton is black (even though it is!), but whatever the reason it has to end so that we can see a real athlete like Shetlon springboarding across the ring instead of too old 50 year old men like DX showing their asses and showing other people's asses! Shelton hasn't had a good match in a year because he's unmotivated and makes the list due to his classic matches in the past with Jericho and other guys and his classic tag matches with Charlie Hass against Los Thieving Mexicans and other teams!
CATCHPHRASE: Don't hate me because I'm blackiful!
66 - Lance Storm: If I can be SEXILESS for a moment (just a little pun!), Lance Storm kicks ass! Okay, not believabley, his punches and kicks always look like they miss by at least a foot. FIGUREATIVELY he kicks ass and I don't mean his action figures! Lance is a technical wrestling machine like Dean Malenko (see above) but with more charisma! Just a little more though, as Lance only has 10% of the charisma of a normal wrestler. Storm made his name in ECW, then continued his name in WCW and his name went on in the WWE and now on his website where I am a FREQUENT contributer so watch out for me there! Maybe he'll make a comeback someday and the fans will forget that Austin told them to chant "boring!" during his matches and everyone will be happy!
FUN FACT: Storm once complained about his ranking in the DeathValleyDriver500 because "those guys ain't never not been in no ring!" Well Lance, I HAVE been in a wrestling ring MANY times, once even as a wrestler, so you can't complain about my ranking of YOU okay you Canadian complainer!
65 - Hulk Hogan: Whatchutalkin'about, Willis? The Huckster on the Hottster's (me) list!? That's right...brother! Some people think Hogan is an awful wrestler with the lowest workrate ever who shouldn't be on ANY list unless it's the "person I'd most like to shoot in the arms!" list. Others think that the Hulkter's charisma is SO AMAZING and so HIPPONOTIC that he should be top of every list ever (even best actor lists!) on the strength of that alone! Well the truth is, as always, somewhere in the middle of the shades of grey! Hogan actually WAS a good technical wrestler and used to use near Dean Malenko like holds in his early matches, but when he got famous he get lazy and started using back scratches and biting and ear hooking as his main moves, brother! Everyone already knows that Hogan is an ego-maniac who held down everyone from old Stone Cold to young Paul London so I won't BORE you with the details of all that BORING stuff again and we can't hold it against him because like it or not he's the 65th best wrestler ever and that's also his age lol he's old!
FUN FACT: Every internet writer ever is sick of writing about the Hulkster, brother!
64 - Big Bossman: The first dead wrestler (but not the last!) to make the list and rightfully so! Since 99.99% of all wrestling fans only started watching in 1998 you probably think "Bossman sucks" just because the dumb marks chanted it all the time! Well you're WRONG, again! Even then hardcore champion Bossman still ruled (hardcore Holly smashed a glass on his face and bossman just laughed!) and he ruled even more back in the eighties when Hulk Hogan gave him a superplex from the very top of a 20 foot high steel cage! That's right, Bossman took that bump, not Mick Foley! It's also I think important to note that in the eighties police officers were considered uncool thanks to the rap music craze, but despite this the Bossman became a cultural icon and encouraged millions of youngsters to enter the police force and uphold the damn law! Bossman might be dead but he will live on through this list (and any children)!
FUN FACT: Bossman didn't really sleep with Big Show's mom...they were up all night!
63 - Umaga: UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAA to give him his full and correct name! Umage made his debut as the lovable Rosie of Three Minute warning where he used to give old women like Mae Young and Hilary Clinton the bonzai drop every week on RAW for three weeks. He then became a Super Hero In Practice (SHIP, it's a joke!) with his real life best friend Shane "the hurrisugar" Helms and they dominated the tag team division for two weeks until The Rock called Rosey a "fat, worthless, may as well be dead, chicken mcnugget guzzling, sumbitch!" at WrestleMania 20. Rosey fell into a deep depression and returned to his home land of samoa (I think it's in Africa or somewhere) where he wondered the jungles eating chickens and fighting bears or whatever they have there until he was found this year by Armando Armando Estramdo! The samoan submssion bulldozer machine then arrived in the WWE and stuck his thumb in LOTS of necks and now you know the full story!
62 - Sting: I never liked Sting much but he did invent the sharpshooter (Bret Hart stole it from him!) so I'm throwing a bone to the WCW marks (if there's any left!) by including him. No, not THAT kind of a bone you sick freaks! Anyway, you all know the history of Sting's career...in fact, you know the history of EVERY wrestler on this lists career (except the obscure ones who are only known to hardcore fans like me) so why do I waste so much space recapping there career!? I'm an idiot! I've wasted so much time recapping wrestler's careers on this list, time I'll never get back! Life is short you morons! You could die any moment! Don't you realise that! DAMN IT!
FUN FACT: Sting like oranges!
61 - The Ultimate Warrior: NO, I WON'T RECAP HIS CAREER, I'M NOT WASTING MORE OF MY LIFE ON THIS CRAP! Anyway, this proably seems high for the Warrior but look back and you'll see I have John Cena at number 75 and the Warrior FEELS like he should be 14 spots higher than Cena that's why he's here, 14 spots higher than Cena and I need no more justification than that, SUCKAAAAAAAS!
FUN FACT: The Warrior debuted as "The Kangaroo Warrior" in Australia in 1978!
One of the biggest things that caught my interest last year around this time here at Slash Wrestling would be columns entitled "For your consideration..." that would give guys like us a good luck at a candidate for the RSPW awards.