OMG I am back with more Hot Newz! And the big newz is that WrestleMania only did eighty thousand buys worldwide (including Australia!) This is a HUGE disappointment as normally WrestleMania does at least eighty MILLION buys worldwide (including Africa!) There are SEVERAL reasons for this! One is that many people were PISSED OFF that the main event was the same two years in a row of Undertaker/Shawn and they just watched last year's match against instead of this years! Another is that 99.99% of WWE fans are YOUNG AND HIP and don't know who Bret Hart is and don't care about him getting revenger on Vince McMahon for sleeping with his wife or whatever Vince did! In fact millions of people who DID order WM are reported to have phoned their cable operator and demanded a REFUND after Bret hit Vince with the sevententh chairshot! Most cable operators refused at first but then after witnessing the twenty fourth chairshot they said "okay, you deserve a refund after that! And I deserve a bonus for watching it! If only I could scrub that match from my mind somehow!" and then started drinking heavily to forget! And the last and FINAL reason is because so many people threw WrestleMania PARTIES this year with upwards of five HUNDRED people attending which meant WWE were getting 499 LESS buys than normal for everyone of these parties! So if you watched WrestleMania by this means then YOU are PERSONALLY responsible for the low buyrate and Vince flipping out at Titan Towers when he heard that buyrate and hitting Todd Grisham in the face with a stapler! I illegally downloaded it so it's not MY fault!
If you thought last week's NXT was the last you'll see of Daniel Bryan (OR SHOULD I SAY Bryan Dragonson!?) you were DEAD WRONG!!! WWE actually has HUGE COMPLICATED plans for Bryan (OR SHOULD I SAY Brian!?) which will start this Monday on RAW live from TORONTO and here are those plans broken up into paragraphs and everything!
It will all start when The Miz and Bret Hart (in pink and black jean shorts!) are about to lock-up for the first time in their US title match! Bryan will run out through the crowd and give Miz a big dropkick and then grab the mic and say "Is this thing on? Good! I have something to say! For the last six months I have been FORCED to wrestle on NXT and use the FAKE name Daniel Bryan! I'm not going to take it anymore! I might have lost ten matches in a row on NXT, but that was only because THE BOOKERMEN told me too! That's right, those matches were FIXED! Every last one of them was FAKE and you wasted your time watching them! But from now on, everything I do will be real...DAMN REAL....starting with making Michael Cole tap out like a whore!" And he runs over and puts Michael Cole in a SHOOT armbar on the announcer table!
While everyone is distracted with this, The Miz breaks a steel chair over Bret Hart's head and gets the pin! Then Bryan looks upset and says "NOOOO!" like Darth Vader and runs into the ring and says "Bret, are you alright?" And Bret says "Yes, kid." Then Bryan says "WELL WE CAN'T HAVE THAT!" and KICKS Bret right int he head! THen he stomps on Bret's head TWENTY SEVEN TIMES to indicate that he will main event WrestleMania 27! Then Miz comes in laughed and gives Bret the Skull Crushing Finale onto a chair and says "Haha, it was a set up all along! I cut the Hart Dynasty's brakes and they all died in a car crash and now thanks to MY Hitman Daniel Bryan I have killed the Hitman too! Tell them, Dan!" And Bryan says "that's right, I'm still Daniel Bryan and I learned a lot from The Miz on NXT! Like how to kick an old man's head in! I HATE YOU STINKING FANS. I'M NOT REALLY A VEGAN!" Then he grabs Miz and kisses him full on on the lips. "AND I'M A HOMOSEXUAL!" ANd Miz looks a bit confused. This is the start of Bryan's new LOOSE CANON gimmick which will be highly original and turn the ratins around!
But then the whole thing is ruined when Buzz Aldrin comes out to the ring and says "that wasn't very nice, Bryan!" and gives him a clothesline and a MOONsault (because he's been to the moon!) from the top rope!
(Don't worry, a STUNT Bret Hart will be used for this angle! THe real Bret will be watching at home in Calgary shaking his fist at the tv! The real Buzz Aldrin WILL perform the moonsault because he learned how to be super agile on the moon in MOON GRAVITY.)
WWE currently has tentative plans for Underatker to totally destroy Jack Swagger and beat him for the title at Summerslam then injure his knee eight days later and lose the title back to swagger in a ten on one handciap match when all ten opponents piled up on him with Swagger is on the top of the pile then to defeat Swagger in a three minute long non title match a week later and take six months off for surgery!
Matt Hardy has asked his fans over Twitter to chant "WE WANT MATT!" during Drew McIntyre's matches with Kofi Kingston because he's deeply insecure and fears he'll be fired if management realizes that Kofi is superior to him in every way! Don't worry, Anti Matt fans on Twitter have countered by arranging to have people with signs reading "They're only chanting "WE WANT MATT!" because Matt Hardy is deeply inseucre and fears he'll be fired if management realizes Kofi Kingstone is superior to him in every way" at all house shows!
When Michelle McCool said "oww, my butt hurts!" on Smackdown two weeks ago that was an accidental SHOOT comment as she really DID hurt her butt! Management then gave Michelle into TROUBLE backstage as you can't say "butt" on PG WWE! She should have said "my buns" instead! Undertaker then beat the shit out of management.
CM Punk has HEAT with management for not shaving his chest hair! However Punk pointed out that Cena doesnt' shave HIS chest hair either! When management said "hold on, Cena doesn't have chest hair!" Punk said "exactly, because he's not as much as a man as me!" But then it turned out that this report was just made up by newz sites with space to fill which explains it making no sense!
ConGRADulations to my girl Layla El for finally winning teh woman's title! Ever since I frist masturwanked over Layla when she rightly won the Diva Search WAY BACK in 2006 I knew one day she'd win the Woman's title and I'd masturwank to the fact that she had won the woman's title! Layla will now be turned FACE when Michelle McCool makes a racist remark (about English people)! She will then come out to the ring like Goldberg with the fans chanting "LAY-LA" except it won't be piped in like with Goldberg because everyone loves Layla! Melina will replace Layal in Team LayCool (Team MelCool!) because she's a shoot bitch!
TNA has moved back to Monday because the fans DEMANDED it (by watching RAW instead!) In order to turnt he ratings around TNA will have some variaton of RVD versus Jeff Hardy every week, doing the exact same spots as their Invasion 2001 match in a slightly different order! Also they are planning to sign up Piggie James and have her run out during a Beautiful People segment and say "WOMEN ARE BEAUTIFUL JUST THEY WAY THEY IS!" and eat a whole choclate cake while Tazz says "if you can fit that whole thing in her mouth I wonder what else she can fit in there, Cole!" Then she loses clean to Lacey Von Erich in a "panties on a poll" match the next week and quits the company because she's only being paid five dollars a show.
Over The Edge is coming soon! The original plan was to have a whole pay per view of nothing but scaffold matches where the only way to win was to throw your oppoennt "over the edge" but John Cena is scared of heights and they had to change it!
Cena versus Batista in a "you quit" match will be the main event and the WWE is teaching Cena how to SHOOT in case Batista breaks from the script which he probably will, the maniac! As all of you must surely know, Batista has been receiving big money offers to go to Hollywood and star with George Clooney in a new buddy cop movie where one of the cops is a giant (Clooney, using CGI!) and the other a midget (Batista using CGI!) and will quit the WWE TEN SECONDS after Over The Edge! Batista has been acting erratic at house shows lately, coming out during Diva matches and taking notes, but then at the end saying "ah who am I kidding, I'm Batista,I've already had boht of you!" and doing a crotch chop! However my sources CLOSE to Batista (Rosa Mendes) reveal that at Over The Edge he is planning on grabbing the microphone right away and saying "I QUIT...to go to Hollywood and star in a romantic comedy with Natalie Portman where she falls in love with an alien!" and running away! So Cena will have to fill up the last half hour of the pay per view with poop jokes and body popping!
The other big title match will see Jack Swagger defend against the Big Show and ifyou think the only credible way for Swagger to beat Big Show is to hit him over the head with toolbox, pin him with his feet on the ropes for a two count, say "screw this!" and try to run away but Show catches him but Swagger gives him a low blow and rolls back into the ring with one second to spare and Show is counted out..then you must be booking for the WWE!
TNA also has a ppv at some point in time (maybe tonight!) I think! If you want a preview and spoilers, just randomly combine these words to form a sentence: "RVD" "Jeff Jarrett" "Kurt Angle" "Abyss" "Lacey Von Erich" "Beat" "Lost to" "Double countout" "Double pinfall" "Double referee stoppage" "Double heel turn on own tag partner even though it cost them the tag title" "Run in by the debuting SID!?" "Lacey Von Erich visible nip slip" "Samoa Joe's fat ass" "Sting" "Jeff Hardy" "Mister Anderson and his annoying gurning face" "Eric Young does something retarded" "Cage match" "Electric Cage match" "Shark Cage Match" "108 minute Iron Man push the button Lost tribute match" "Dixie isn't even that hot".
REAL NAME FILE
JTG = Jerry Tolkien Gatorade
Shad = Viscera Junior (he's Vis's son!)
Luke Gallows = Festus Gallows
Justin Gabriel = Gabin Justriel
Drew McIntyre = Drew MacMcIntyre (he's scottish!)
Layla El = Layla Bloodpudding (she's English!)
Eric Bischoff = Erica Bischoff (his parents thought he was a girl!)
I thought this was the best Raw in...weeks. Which still makes it only an average Raw at best. The in-ring matches were a little better, and the out of the ring banter was marginally entertaining (especially the Bowflex bit...