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The W - Guest Columns - The RAW Satire, It's the Coolest (10/25/04)
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Excalibur05
Knackwurst








Since: 19.1.02
From: Minnesota

Since last post: 11 hours
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#1 Posted on | Instant Rating: 7.73
Last Week: Edge, Chris Benoit, and Shawn Michaels all tried to gather a couple of votes to get the World title shot. Then Shawn lost. The WWE asks, “You weren’t REALLY planning on doing anything on Tuesday, were you? Well…Kinda. I mean…I had a bake sale. Eric Bischoff was shaved balder than Molly Holly on a Sunday, who will be shaved…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

Did you miss Taboo Tuesday?! Then do I have the recap for YOU!

From the Trashcan of Matt Hocking!:

Eugene v. Eric Bischoff
In a You Pick the Pants Match from Taboo Tuesday

Eric and Eugene Battle back and forth for a bit. Wow! This match is awesome. I’m glad I paid for this Pay Per View! I certainly hope they don’t show some or all of this match on RAW tomorrow night. Or a rematch. God, I hate rematches. Uh, anyway…Eugene hits Eric with the ol’ Head Waggin’ Legdrop of Doom. He’s the new D’Lo. Isn’t the old D’Lo still jobbing to everybody in TNA? Bischoff tries to get Coach to bail him out on the Head Shavin’s stip, but Vince McMahon isn’t having any of it. I, dunno. Is it really so bad? Ric Flair shaved your head once, and NOBODY remembers that. While Eugene shaves Eric down to his great looking grays, Vince is accosting the Coach.

VM: Now that I have you all alone, Coach, get naked!
JC: What? Why?
VM: We’re going to dress you up in this dress so you’re all pretty for the fans.
JC: Vince, I don’t think that the fans want to see The Coach in a dress.
VM: Sure they do. Don’t you, The Crowd?!
Crowd: NO! Not really!!
JTL: Yeah!
VM: Just do it.

Coach sheepishly complies.

VM: Now get on your hands and knees and bark like a dog!
JC: Uh…woof? Arf?
VM: I said BARK LIKE A DOG DAMMIT!
JC: AHH! WOOF! ARF!!
RVD: Yeah! All right!!
VM: Eric Bischoff is OLD! LOOK HOW OLD! Looks like the only time the black and white are getting back together is on top of Eric’s head!
EB: Shut up. I’m buying a toupee.

Overall Score: This was ok, especially if they don’t play the entire thing all over again on Monday. I guess I’d say that I’d have to drink 3 Long Island Iced Teas to make this match entertaining. 3/Drunk.

Dammit. I KNEW I shouldn’t have jinxed it. Hey! Hey! Hey! It’s Eric Bischoff! He’s in his old stand by nWo hat, so I guess Vince was KINDA right. Eric grabs a mic, hopefully to explain why they played his whole friggin’ match.

EB: I don’t know why they just showed my whole friggin’ match.

Dammit.

EB: But one thing I DO know is that I am definitely sick of the lack of wrestling on this show. Now back when I ran WCW, there was all sorts of wrestling, but now that I’m in the WWE, I can’t keep it together. So, rather than book any matches or anything, I’m just going to go take a nap. Hey, wrestlers, y’all can book your own show. Hahaha…sucks to be you Iowa!

Eric wanders off.

(ads)

Evolution has found their way to the ring. I’ve gotta say, I’m impressed. Nibblins must have been navigating.

HHH: With Eric Bischoff gone, we’re still in control. Do you want anything, Dave?0
DBD: I want to wrestle Gail KIM!
HHH: Sure thing, buddy. I’ll get right on it. Triple Naitch, what do you want?
RF: Out of anything? Anything I want?
HHH: Ask away.
RF: I wanna take your old lady on a RIDE ON SPACE MOUNTAIN FAT BOY, WOO!
DBD: OH! If I knew I could pick anything I would have asked for BALLOONS!
HHH: Uh…no. I wanted you all to pick a match.
RF: Then, I want to wrestle RANDY, BY GOD, ORTON!
HHH: You just wrestled Randy, by…Randy Orton. A few days ago.
RF: Yeah? Well, I want to do it again. WOO! To be the man, you have to beat the man. Twice!

Here’s Mr. Randy Orton for a rebuttal.

RO: I don’t follow orders from Evolution.
HHH: Go make me a ham sandwich.
RO: Do you want butter?
HHH: Mayo.
RO: Lettuce?
HHH: Yes, please.
RO: Sliced vertically or diagonally?
HHH: Both.
RO: Crust or no crust.
HHH: Crust on the side.
RO: Goddammit.
RF: Let’s wrestle!
HHH: Here’s the deal: You beat Triple Naitch, you get a World Title shot. You never get another title shot again until you “miraculously” win the Royal Rumble in January.
RO: Dammit, Hunter, you’re ON!

(ads)

You can tell the wrestlers are running the show, because not a single one of them wants to work an actual match.

Chris Jericho v. Shelton Benjamin
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

Hahahahaha…Except poor Chris Jericho. He HAS to work a match or he’ll NEVER get on the show. It’s really funny too, because I kinda wonder who booked this match. I’m guessing it was probably Stevie Richards. And Stevie was just reading the Taboo Tuesday card out loud to himself, because he’s got nothing better to do. In a perfect world, this would be Rodney Mack v. Chris Jericho, but YOU ALL didn’t get out and vote. You know he ended up in LAST place? I’m ashamed and shocked at your apathy.

(ads)

Juuuust before the match gets to the point where I seriously consider paying attention to it, things get Crazy Go Nuts. Jericho goes for the Walls Of Jericho, until Shelton rolls him up. I wonder if Shawn still has a claim on that move. Jericho throws a hissy fit because he’s STILL not getting pushed. What does he have to do? Shave a goat on live TV? Shelton stays in the ring to celebrate until suddenly, Chris Tian runs out and hits him with the Unprettier. Post match update: Jericho: Not getting pushed. Chris Tian: Not Over. Shelton: Not Important.

Eric Bischoff and Coach, still in a dress, share hat care tips and work on their fourth bottle of Captain Morgan.

(ads)

Evolution is trying out their pickup lines on Lance Storm…uh….

HHH: Hey, baby. I promise to get you pushed until the crowd responds to you and then HOLD YOU DOWN! Hold you down until you like it, baby. Yeah!
DBD: I will not hit you with the OSPREY BOMB! I would hit you with all my LOVE!!
RF: To be the man, you have to beat off the man!
LS: I’m going back to peaking in on the women’s locker room.

Chris Jericho walks by….

HHH: Pfft. Way to wrestle tonight, Jericho.
DBD: Yeah, you are the one who SUCKS!
CJ: Honestly, guys, come on….
HHH: What are you going to do? Huh? There are three of us, and only one of you.
DBD: DELETED!
CJ: Oh yeah? Well what about these random jobbers milling around just off camera?
MV: What? Oh, snap, dude. We’re not supposed to be in the shot!
CB: Just play along.
HHH: I can’t stand jobbers! Evolution, away!

The random jobbers this evening were played by Maven, Rhyno, Tajiri, Hurricane and Chris Benoit, who is the biggest jobber of them all. Not pictured: Some Kind of Denver Broncos Float who was getting drunk as his team lost to the hapless Cincinnati Bengals.

(ads)

Edge comes on and whines for a little bit about how he won’t appear on RAW until he wins at least one poll on WWE.com. He’s right. He doesn’t win too many polls. In fact, I’ve won 12 more polls on WWE.com than Edge since I started this Satire thing. Of course they were all for, “Which Internet Column Are You Least Likely To Read This Week?” But, then again, a win’s a win, right?

Shawn Michaels is out.

HBK: Hey, guys. Wow. I can’t believe I won that poll. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?! You people are SICK! You want me, a dad and husband, to go out there and wrestle on a torn meniscus and almost die with pain? You need that crap in your knee, and mine is all broke up! And you KNEW THAT! I sold it like a mofo on Monday, man. But noooooo…Go get your knee even more messed up by Hunter. Yeah. Great. Thanks. You guys really, really suck and I hate you all. Now go buy all my T-Shirts and find Jesus. Jesus probably voted for Benoit.

(ads)

Todd Grisham is backstage with Maven….

MV: Hey, Todd.
TG: Oh, thank God. Somebody normal. How’s it goin’ Maven?
MV: I’m thinking about joining up with Tough Enough again.
TG: What?
MV: I figure I’d probably get more air time on Smackdown. If only I could stop lying about my age!
DBD: Me TOO! I’m only TWENTY!
TG: Dave and Maven, you guys should totally fight.
MV: Yeah!
DBD: Good IDEA!
Voice of the Undertaker: Stop it!
TG: What?
VoU: Announcers shouldn’t have a say in what matches are booked.
TG: I’m just making a point. I mean, there’s nobody booking the show anyway right/
VoU: Shove it, nerd.
TG: No. You know what? You don’t exist. So YOU shove it, mysterious voice.

The Voice of the Undertaker Tombstones Todd into the pavement, spilling brains everywhere.

VoU: I guess you could say I screwed his brains out. Now, go. Wrestle. This I command!!

Maven v. “Dave” Batista “Davidson”

Maven is no Gail Kim, mind, but Dave will take it all the same. Dave punches Maven in the face 284 times to start. Maven tries to work his way back into the match by convincing Batista that he’s The Rock and that Batista MUST job for the good of the new Doom movie. However, Dave soon decides that Doom sounds like a crappy name for a movie, and so he tries to nail Maven with a OSPREY BOMB TO MAVEN~! But Maven harkens back to his Tough Enough skillz, and slides out of the ring to cry with Tough Enough Jessie. This is quite enough to get Dave to let down his guard and get pinned. MAVEN WINS! MAVEN WINS!! This is bigger than the Red Sox!! Benoit and Jericho run out to get some face time so as to diminish the impact of Maven’s push on their career.

(ads)

OH MY GOD!! What can almost be considered “WWE Superstars” were sitting around Library Mall in Madison, Wisconsin. I friggin’ walked there EVERY DAY FOR FOUR YEARS! DAMN YOU COLLEGE DEGREE! FIRST I MISS NATALIE PORTMAN AND NOW THIS!! I SWEAR I AM SO PISSED RIGHT NOW!! But then again, I successfully avoided getting eaten by Mark Henry. You win some, you lose some, eh?

Abe Orton v. William Regal

Abe beats up and pins William Regal. Huh. Match of the night right there. At least this one didn’t give me a headache. Abe grabs the mic and says that if people think that he was just going to be released after Kane was done filming Eye Scream Man they’ve got another thing coming, because as it turns out everybody friggin’ LOVES Abe Orton, and he’s going to be around FOREVER. Which is great. Really it is. I can’t wait to turn up at the polling places November 2nd (remember to Vote! or P Diddy is going to kill you) in my “Baby Killer” T-Shirt. I know people usually don’t like the text on the back of the shirt, but nothing really screams class like, “Whose Baby Have You Killed Today?” Eugene comes out to hover. It’s a night of cameos!

Coach is spinning around the ceiling with the ceiling fan blade lodged in his underwear, while Bischoff is passed out in a pool of his own vomit. 457 bottles of Captain Morgan…that’s well short of a personal record for Eric.

Is my influence large enough that if I keep mentioning a product they’ll send me a bunch? Like talk show hosts? Swiss Cake Rolls Swiss Cake Rolls Swiss Cake Rolls Swiss Cake Rolls Swiss Cake Rolls Swiss Cake Rolls Swiss Cake Rolls Swiss Cake Rolls Swiss Cake Rolls Swiss Cake Rolls Swiss Cake Rolls Swiss Cake Rolls Swiss Cake Rolls Swiss Cake Rolls Swiss Cake Rolls Swiss Cake Rolls Swiss Cake Rolls Swiss Cake Rolls Swiss Cake Rolls

No? Dammit.

(ads…for Swiss Cake Rolls…Still nothing?)

Lita is backstage. She’s about to talk about how much she loooooves Swiss Cake Rolls, when Trish shows up.

TS: Yeah, I’ll bet you do.
LT: What’s that supposed to mean?
TS: Well, you’re not full of X-Pac anymore, but you’re still fat, so you must be full of something.
LT: Oh, I’m full of something all right.
TS: So, did you actually fall in love with Kane there at Tabeaux Teauxday?
LT: No, no, no, no. He was just my ride home. I was cheering for him to hurry up and finish the damn match.
TS: Oh.
LT: Say, what’s up with you and Chris Tian?
TS: Who?
LT: Never mind.

Lita and Trish both reach for the last mini-Pringles can on the catering table, and a catfight ensues over its contents. While it goes on, My Darling Stacy arrives, eats a single chip, and then throws the rest of the can away. I guess you can, you can, you can stop.

Over on Smackdown:

AS: How old are you?
KN: Uh…24?
AS: How old?
KN: 12?
AS: Come on, Kevin, what does your drivers license say?
KN: That I’m just too sweeeeeeeeeeeeat?
SH: Yeah, suck on that, mang.
CCC: Avast! Some one has stolen my gimmick. Mang.
SH: Your gimmick well, while most people would kick sand in your face…
CCC: I’m gonna kick your face in the sand!
SH: Knock that off.
AS: Tough Enough Jessie…You’re cut.
TEJ: WHY?!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
AS: This is boys only.
TEJ: Well…I can be a boy.
KN: Oh no! I tore all the muscles in my body.
AS: Advance to OVW?

Evolution is hanging around backstage.

RF: We’re Evolution, dammit. Don’t look at ME like that, I’m the one who…WOO…getstostyle
andprofiletakealltheladiesbacktomyhotelroomsolongasI’m asleepbyelevenoclocksothatIcangetuptomorrowandwatchPerryGYGODMasonWOOOO!
HHH: He’s been talking to that stack of cups for twenty minutes.
DBD: Shouldn’t we stop HIM?
HHH: No, no. Let him finish up. He’s got an important match, he shouldn’t have to deal with the thought that this stack of cups is challenging his manhood.

Flair chops the cups which shatter into a billion pieces on the floor.

RF: WOO! Let’s go.

(ads)

Ric Flair v. Randy Orton

Man, do you realize how much Kane this show is going to need over the next few months? More. MUCH more. Especially if things like this are continually foisted all up on us. Chops galore to start things out, because it isn’t quite a Ric Flair match until everybody chops each other 1,100 times. A ROH sign shows up in the crowd. Remind me to tell you some time why I hate that promotion so much. Randy works in the OMG CHINLOCK~! which fires up the crowd just in time for the….

(ads)

Flair throws on the Figure Four, but Randy isn’t going down to this one. Only Chris Jericho. They brawl for a bit and Flair Flops. Huzzah! That’s Randy’s move, but Batista is in to stop the count…but wait…Maven, Jericho, and Benoit show up to stop him. Really…Maven…geez, what a bunch of crap that is, huh? HHH materializes in the ring and nails Randy with a chairshot, which allows Flair to get the pin. Poor Randy. However, logic appears in the form of The Action Jobber Task Force surrounding HHH and dragging him back to the ring tied to the Denver Broncos Float. They all hold Hunter while Randy talks some trash and then let go and….HHH FALLS OVER~! A WINNER IS RANDY ORTON~!~!

Next Week: Eric Bischoff tries to book RAW like Nitro, but it doesn’t work as the whole first hour ends up being Max Mini running around in circles while Mike Tenay screams “Look at the athleticism, Tony!” Where more Kane is needed, we get more Maven, which, cosmically speaking, is like trading a sack of gold for a bee sting to the eye. And, hey, watch out! It’s the next chapter in the epic Eugene/Abe Orton feud for internet supremacy!

Lance and Rob Are Friends
Chapter 22: Let’s beat them with sticks.

LS: That was just…weird.
RVD: Dude, I think Evolution likes you.
LS: That’s the problem.
RVD: Well, fine. Don’t take my advice, but I think you should at least give it a shot. What could one little date with Batista hurt? It’d be good for your career, dude!
LS: My career?! I’m retired from anything but Bra and Panties matches. Besides,
I’m not so sure I want to hang around a crazy old guy who chops cups.
RVD: Yeah! All right!!
LS: Where the hell is Tommy anyway? He was supposed to meet us here in this cornfield
RVD: Duuuuude…I bet the aliens got him.
LS: Rob, there’s no such thing as…..
RVD: WhataboutMaxMoon?!
LS: That was Konan.
RVD: No way! Max Moon is hosting the Tonight Show?! Aliens are taking over the
world!!
TD: They are?! Let’s beat them with sticks.
LS: Tommy, where have you been?! We’ve been freezing out here for hours watching
for the Jade Gopher.
TD: Oh…uh…Shucking corn? Shucking corn is HARDCORE!!
LS: Ugh. I give up. Maybe we’ll find him next week.

Deep within the corn….

MT: Maybe next week indeed, foolish Lance. But another plot is thickening, right under your nose, a plot that will shake the very foundation of all that you believe in to its very core! As a matter of fact, all will be revealed as soon as I turn around here….

Mountie is gored by Mantuar as Mantaur works on his crop circles.

To be continued….


//edit: You broke the tables

(edited by Guru Zim on 26.10.04 1256)

I'm like the New Dudleyz, I am. The-W FEARS Ric Flair Rambling.

(edited by Excalibur05 on 26.10.04 2322)

The ads broke my column. Uh...Do I at least get a Nintendo for this shit?

(edited by Excalibur05 on 27.10.04 1006)

Tonight I wanna ruin my life,
I wanna throw it all away,
In a spectacular way
Promote this thread!
Mild Mannered Madman
Toulouse








Since: 1.3.02
From: Westminster, CA

Since last post: 378 days
Last activity: 96 days
#2 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.70
    Originally posted by Excalibur05
    VoU: I guess you could say I screwed his brains out. Now, go. Wrestle. This I command!!


Aw, crap. This explains everything.

The Undertaker is secretly Serpentor!




There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
- The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
Texas Kelly
Lap cheong








Since: 3.1.02
From: FOREST HILLS CONTROLS THE UNIVERSE

Since last post: 2 days
Last activity: 11 hours
ICQ:  
#3 Posted on | Instant Rating: 3.27
    Originally posted by Excalibur05
    Todd Grisham is backstage with Maven….

    MV: Hey, Todd.
    TG: Oh, thank God. Somebody normal. How’s it goin’ Maven?
    MV: I’m thinking about joining up with Tough Enough again.
    TG: What?
    MV: I figure I’d probably get more air time on Smackdown. If only I could stop lying about my age!
    DBD: Me TOO! I’m only TWENTY!
    TG: Dave and Maven, you guys should totally fight.
    MV: Yeah!
    DBD: Good IDEA!
    Voice of the Undertaker: Stop it!
    TG: What?
    VoU: Announcers shouldn’t have a say in what matches are booked.
    TG: I’m just making a point. I mean, there’s nobody booking the show anyway right/
    VoU: Shove it, nerd.
    TG: No. You know what? You don’t exist. So YOU shove it, mysterious voice.

    The Voice of the Undertaker Tombstones Todd into the pavement, spilling brains everywhere.

    VoU: I guess you could say I screwed his brains out. Now, go. Wrestle. This I command!!



Thanks for bringing the Voice of the Undertaker back. The business *must* be kept in line. :)



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