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|AIM: || ||#1 Posted on 8.4.05 1346.04 | Instant Rating: 5.22|
Good read here. Simmons got in a few zingers with this thing too:
Originally posted by Sports Guy
397. Zach Randolph
The dreaded double whammy: He destroyed Portland's cap space AND killed its season. At least he's a good guy.
375. Adonal Foyle
Plays about 20 minutes a game, gives you 4 points and 5 rebounds a night, blocks 1 or 2 shots ... in other words, he's having a typically harmless Adonal Foyle season, only he's in year one of a $40 million contract. So here's the question: Has Chris Mullin ever come out and explained this? If you were a Warriors fan, wouldn't you want an answer? This was like the Korean guy on "Lost" becoming a free agent and ABC giving him $40 million to stay on the show through 2010.
278. Jamal Crawford
If the NBA was a roto league, the other owners would have sent Isiah Thomas the "Hey, no offense, but maybe you should bring a partner next season" e-mail by now.
135. Lamar Odom
Remember the SNL sketch about the Time-Life series for videos of family dysfunction, when every vignette (Thanksgiving, Easter, birthday, etc.) ended with Will Ferrell suddenly flipping over the dinner table and screaming, "That's it, [bleep] this, I'm out of here!" From January to March, after watching Kobe go one-on-three one too many times, I kept waiting for Odom to do this – just flip over the press table and scream, "That's it, [bleep] this, I'm out of here!" Instead, he went on the DL with a fake injury. Wise move. I wouldn't want to be his bong right now.
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|Y!: ||#2 Posted on 8.4.05 1704.51 | Instant Rating: 3.70|
|I thought these ones were pretty good too...|
Originally posted by Bill Simmons
417. Darko Milicic
A quick recap of the 2003 Draft ...
No. 1. – LeBron James
No. 2. – Darko Milicic
No. 3. – Carmelo Anthony
No. 4. – Chris Bosh
No. 5. – Dwyane Wade
(That's like reaching into a brown paper bag filled with two checks for $100 million, two checks for $10 million, and a check for $10 ... and pulling out the check for 10 dollars. Ouch.)
340. Vince Carter
Note to Raptors season ticket holders: File a class-action suit against him. Seriously. Ask for reparations. You bought tickets under the assumption that the Toronto players would give their best effort; he signed a contract promising that he would give his best effort; and after watching his performance in Jersey over the past three months, that clearly wasn't the case. So why not sue him?
215. Carlos Boozer
That's what you get for screwing over a generous blind guy.
200. Paul Shirley
I'm keeping my fingers crossed on this one, but thanks to his ongoing blog on NBA.com we could finally have an answer to the question, "What would it be like if one our friends was an NBA player and sent us e-mails about his life every few days?"
One mitigating factor: David Stern, who could morph into the warden in Shawshank over this one. I could even see this exchange happening outside the commissioner's office one night ...
– Stern: "So you're telling me that you're going to continue doing this blog, and you're going to continue to be as candid as possible?"
– Shirley: "Yessir, that's all I ever wanted, just give me that chance."
– Stern (taking one last puff from a cigarette): "That's what I thought."
(He puts out his cigarette and walks away, then Shirley is quickly gunned down by Dick Bavetta from a fifth-story window.)
181. Baron Davis
Classic Warriors: They roll the dice on a former All-Star who ends up playing out of his mind, turning the team around and screwing up their top-four lottery spot. When next year rolls around, he'll probably blow out his knee before Halloween. We need to chip in $5 apiece and buy Warriors fans a new team – they make Clippers fans seem fortunate by comparison.
161. Chris Webber
Would anything be more entertaining than C-Webb's getting injured in the playoffs, followed by a Kings-Sixers Finals and the first-ever Double Ewing Theory? I think about these things.
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|#3 Posted on 9.4.05 0107.11 | Instant Rating: 3.29|
42. Kobe Bryant
My buddy House and I had a long argument about this one yesterday. House argued that, other than Artest, Kobe was the 2005 LVP because he single-handedly destroyed a Lakers dynasty that had 4-5 quality years left. My argument was that Kobe was the worst GM in the league (since we all know that he was the one making these moves) and deserves the blame for that, not his actual play. It's like when Eddie Murphy decided to direct "Harlem Nights," which should have been a funny movie and ended up being the film that sent his career spiralling into a free fall. You can't penalize Kobe The Player for being screwed over by Kobe The GM. Anyway, I'm sticking him here because it's my column. Screw you, House.
I lean more towards House's argument, but I'm just a bitter Lakers fan. I'm tired of Kobe the GM.
69. Bobby Simmons
Heart and soul of a Clippers team that could have won 45-50 games had they stayed healthy and/or Elgin Baylor realized you could make trades during the season. When they screw up and allow him to sign with a contender this summer – where he'll thrive, by the way, because he's a good guy and the ultimate fifth banana – I'm declaring war on Elgin, Donald Sterling and the entire Clippers franchise. I'm going to be like Stallone in "First Blood," when he has the knife to Brian Dennehy's throat: "You want a war? I'll give you a war you wouldn't believe."
I HAVE to have faith here. Even the Clippers couldn't POSSIBLY be dumb enough to let Bobby go next season. I mean, their front office would have to be run by chimps if they don't see that he's become not only a sentimental fan-favorite (seriously, I've never seen Clippers fans get excited for anyone they way they pop for Bobby), but one of their best players. They wouldn't, would they?
15. Ben Wallace
Imagine if he won the MVP, then Stern had to present him with the trophy: "Ben, admittedly, this wasn't one of your better seasons, but you were a key player on the No. 2 seed in the East. More importantly, you started the Pacers brawl and kept escalating it until someone threw a beer on Ron Artest, leading to the inevitable demise of your biggest rival in the East. Ben Wallace, congratulations on being the 2005 MVP!"
I would give ANYTHING to see this!
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