The W
May 17, 2011 - save.jpg
Views: 178575955
Main | FAQ | Search: Y! / G | Calendar | Color chart | Log in for more!
18.3.24 2207
The W - Guest Columns - The Obtuse Angle: HAIKU MACHENTE!
This thread has 166 referrals leading to it
Register and log in to post!
Pages: 1(582 newer) Next thread | Previous thread
User
Post (8 total)
Wolfram J. Paulovich
Frankfurter








Since: 11.11.02
From: Fat City, Baby

Since last post: 6390 days
Last activity: 5761 days
#1 Posted on

THE OBTUSE ANGLE  
Haiku III: Haiku Machente 
June 26, 2003

by Jeb Tennyson Lund
OnlineOnslaught.com/CitizenScholar.net


 

Many moons ago I, in my infinite laziness, reviewed my sentiments regarding Raw in haiku form. A short while later, I did it again. But over six months have passed during which the wonders of haiku have lain dormant. If for nothing more than to reclaim my haiku title from the Wienerboard's "Notorious F.A.B.", I am back. Stronger, faster, metrically inclined. And, Notorious: if you're anyone other than Steve Allen, you're stealing my bit.

Anyway, as we all know, haiku is a Japanese poetic form that was first used in the 16th Century, became widely popular during the 17th-19th, and started getting co-opted by western writers in the 20th. True haiku pertains only to nature, but there isn't a lot of nature in the bars I go to. And I write haiku almost exclusively in bars.

So come along for a hellish bastardization of a classic and respected form. To make the experience more real and disturbing for you, all haiku are presented on non-beautiful non-Japanese non-pastoral bar napkins. Do you have any idea how hard it is to write on them without ripping them?













I realize that the possibly stilted form of haiku's 5-7-5 may not give you the clearest picture of what went on during the June 23 episode of Raw. In order to clarify things for you, I have included this scientific and exact representation of what transpired in the ring.


Figure #1:












INTERLUDE

Sadly, the bar at which I viewed this Raw isn't nearly as charming as the bar I visited in Gainesville. For one thing, they serve something that pretends to be food. The bar in Gainesville had the decency to not insult your intelligence. Yeah, there was a menu, but they never made any claims that what was listed on it was fit for more than use as bait for raccoons.

Still, the bar in Tampa had kids running around it. There's nothing more charming that two six-year-olds playing tag among the tables while their respective bloat-mothers suck down pitcher after pitcher of Budweiser and exhale their Virginia Slim 120 smoke directly in their children's faces. Motherhood: they say protectiveness is instinctive.

No, no, instead of fussing about this bar, I will tell you a story.

In December 1998, I went to England, hung about for a few days, then crossed over to Ireland to spend the holidays with my mother. She and I hadn't taken a vacation together in nearly nine years. We chose Ireland because neither of us had ever been there, and we're both Irish and have read too many drunken Irish novels written by (and about) drunken Irish novelists. So a lot of it was pretty familiar already.

But I was in a pissy mood for most of the trip. For one, I was cold all the time, the sun was rarely out, and at one point, we had about five straight days of winds approaching 100 miles per hour. They were so bad that all ferries between Dun Loughaire and Holyhead stopped. (Practically speaking, this left me trapped in Ireland for a time.) But another reason for my pissiness was that I was 21 and basically ill-mannered. I'd like to blame this bratty behavior on the fact that I was getting up early in the morning and walking miles each day in bitter cold and drizzling rain — which was considerably more exercise than I ever got in college (that exercise being, principally: walk to gas station, buy beer, lift beer toward face, repeat). That would be unfair, though. I was just being self-centered.

However, one incident kept me in good spirits for days, and my mother thinks fondly and thankfully on this whenever I mention Ireland. (Of course, whenever Ireland is mentioned, I reflexively say, "I'm sorry." So that might help too.)

Anyway, we were driving through the Wicklow Gap. This is a path that goes through the Wicklow Mountains, which are South and a tiny bit East of Dublin. They are extremely beautiful, with low grassy fields littered with occasional boulders bordering the winding two-lane highway. The mountains themselves are not particularly big to anyone who's seen the Rockies or the Cascades, but they were snow-capped at the top, and our ears popped as we wound along. It felt mountainous, even if on a smaller scale.

Soon we crested what I thought would be the top. Rather, it was a long wide boulder-and-grass-filled field near the base of where the snow began. There was no one else around: no cars, no hikers, no bicycles. There were even, surprisingly, no sheep. In fact the only thing of note in the middle of this vast field was the Ford sedan on fire.

This one:






 
I was laughing about it for three days — the three sunniest and least-irascible days I spent in Ireland. I must have wasted nearly a whole roll of film on that car. So whoever set that thing on fire and escaped (undetected by us) through the Wicklow mountains: my mom thanks you. Because of you, I wasn't short-tempered for at least half a week.









And Now, Some Haiku from Rocky Swift
[Note: I have written these haikus on bar napkins as well, to maintain the theme. They are, in fact, Rocky's. But I'm pretty sure he wrote them in a Japanese bar.]










Some Farewell Spanking Haiku





(edited by Jeb Tennyson Lund on 30.6.03 1922)

The Obtuse Angle Archive.

Burns: Smither's this beer isn't working! I don't feel any younger, or funkier....
Smithers: I'll switch to the tablespoon, sir.
Promote this thread!
Notorious F.A.B.
Pepperoni








Since: 4.2.02
From: Dudleyville's Gay Ghetto

Since last post: 7460 days
Last activity: 7446 days
#2 Posted on
That's it -- I'm off to pen a lengthy essay on the dollar to value ratio of each performer on the WWE roster using non-standard deviation and string theory! Goedel will be referenced. Oh yes. Derrida, too.

Heh. Good stuff! I love the napkin theme. It's the way haiku was meant to be written!



It's just you against the group mind.
CRZ
Big Brother
Administrator








Since: 9.12.01
From: ミãƒã‚¢ãƒãƒªã‚¹

Since last post: 17 days
Last activity: 8 days
ICQ:  
#3 Posted on | Instant Rating: 8.65
People in Dialup Mode were saved A LOT of time just now. :)



©CRZ™
Wolfram J. Paulovich
Frankfurter








Since: 11.11.02
From: Fat City, Baby

Since last post: 6390 days
Last activity: 5761 days
#4 Posted on
Sorry, Zed. I didn't know how to trim those down. Rick and I worked out a thing for his site, but I know it wasn't perfect.

If you did something to speed things up, my hat's off to you. And thanks.



The Obtuse Angle Archive.

Burns: Smither's this beer isn't working! I don't feel any younger, or funkier....
Smithers: I'll switch to the tablespoon, sir.
CRZ
Big Brother
Administrator








Since: 9.12.01
From: ミãƒã‚¢ãƒãƒªã‚¹

Since last post: 17 days
Last activity: 8 days
ICQ:  
#5 Posted on | Instant Rating: 8.65

    Originally posted by Jeb Tennyson Lund
    Sorry, Zed. I didn't know how to trim those down. Rick and I worked out a thing for his site, but I know it wasn't perfect.

    If you did something to speed things up, my hat's off to you. And thanks.

Umm, what I meant was people who can't see graphics will have nothing to read, that's all. (Our lynx users are probably crushed.)



©CRZ™
Ubermonkeys
Frankfurter








Since: 2.1.02
From: Michigan

Since last post: 6953 days
Last activity: 6827 days
#6 Posted on
Turn the amps up to 11 so I can give Jeb a new rating.



Somebody told me Air Bud's playing volleyball now???

Wolfram J. Paulovich
Frankfurter








Since: 11.11.02
From: Fat City, Baby

Since last post: 6390 days
Last activity: 5761 days
#7 Posted on
Thank you, thank you!

The amps up to 11 would be better if I had named the column, "Brainhammer!" or "Intravenus de Milo." Alas, you always think of these things too late.

Remember: you know where you stand in a hellhole.



The Obtuse Angle Archive.

Burns: Smither's this beer isn't working! I don't feel any younger, or funkier....
Smithers: I'll switch to the tablespoon, sir.
The Great Thomas
Sujuk








Since: 17.6.02
From: Miami, Florida

Since last post: 6810 days
Last activity: 6810 days
#8 Posted on
Thank you, sir. Your haikus nearly made me spew Pepsi on my keyboard.





Val Venis Is One Lucky Bastard.

Pages: 1Thread ahead: Dig That Satiiiiiiiiire! (6/7/03)
Next thread: Inside The Ropes - Featuring the REAL IWC 1000
Previous thread: Booking For Dummies-Michaels Vs. Flair
(582 newer) Next thread | Previous thread
Lines for yesterday's Raw have been submitted and are available via the following link: http://slashwrestling.com/stats/021104.pdf Absrob, enjoy, etc.
The W - Guest Columns - The Obtuse Angle: HAIKU MACHENTE!Register and log in to post!

The W™ message board

ZimBoard
©2001-2024 Brothers Zim

This old hunk of junk rendered your page in 0.148 seconds.