The Not-So Weekly Wrestling Recap. You know, if there’s one thing I hear consistently, it’s “how did you get into my bathroom?”, but after that, it’s “HMD…You’re a contributor. Why don’t you, I dunno, contribute more?” And I don’t really have an answer for that. I just haven’t felt like it lately. But I realize it is my duty to please the mental booty of all RAW-Viewers with a post-RAW rundown of events, and possibly a Smackdown one later this week (since, I hear, less people get SD than RAW. Poor bastards.)
Monday August 18, 2003
RAW is live and montage-less from Grand Rapids, which translates to…uh…Big Rapids…And that’s in the great state of Michelin. James Ross and Jerome Lawler try to convince us that tonight we shall be entertained most outrageously. There will be a hair versus hair match, which should be called a “some but not a lot of hair” match, and we’ll see Test and Steiner mark their three month anniversary of the most boring feud with the worst wrestling in it since The Powers of Pain v.s. the Demolition.
Then Jericho was just in the ring. He talks about “Big Daddy Bald” instead of just calling Big Kev Nash-hole, a phrase that everybody loved last week. Then Jericho goes on to be serious, but it’s hard to take him seriously after the way he’s been portrayed. He talks about the title he hasn’t had for so long, and I gotta say, it’s been a while. But are we supposed to believe he liked fetching moisturizer and washing Stephanie’s dog? Anyway, this moderately interesting segment got predictable when Shawn came out. Shawn who stole Jericho’s heat as early as November of last year, we’re reminded. Shawn comes out to “Sexy Boy”, a song which I can’t help but notice grows less and less appropriate with each passing week. Maybe they should change the lyrics.
“I can’t be cute…I’m almost forty…My back’s okay…with calcium pills…I got some moves…you can’t avoid ‘em…I’m off pills…I show up on time
I’m just a sexy goy…I’m not your alter boy…I’m just a sexy goy…I’m not your alter boy (Sexy Goy) (Alter Boy) (Sexy Goy) (Alter Boy)
I heal the blind…I walk on water…They speak in tongues…Whenever I’m around…I go to mass…on all their ass…I make ‘em feel…Like a Philistine …
I’m just a sexy goy…I’m not your alter boy…I’m just a sexy goy…I’m not your alter boy (Sexy Goy) (Alter Boy) (Sexy Goy) (Alter Boy)”
Anyway, Shawn comes out, Jericho does the yanking of the mic before Heart-Break can speak thing that I believe Brother Love used to do, and then calls out Evolution. I can’t remember if Evolution spoke, but I don’t think they did. I had to strain my pasta at this time. I do know that Shawn got outnumbered, Nash ran down looking like a really jacked-up Joan Rivers, and then got outnumbered, so Goldberg ran down and beat down Flair and Orton, and was about to spear the gentile out of Triple H, but hit Nash instead. Goldberg didn’t seem remorseful, but you wouldn’t either if Nash had booked the end of your marketability to get himself over.
Then Test went up to Stacy and talked about being a bad guy before and wanting to change, foreshadowing his victory. He said “slut” somewhere in there, but my drunken father was bellowing the same word at me over the phone around the same time, so I may be way off on that one.
Then Trish, live from the past, cut a baseless, unplanned, weak promo about Gail Kim and Molly that didn’t exactly get me steaming for the Trish/Molly encounter. Trish seems to have grown a full cup-size since last week. I want to admire her for her hard work and athleticism, but I can’t in that shirt. Her boobies look too delicious this week. I’m sorry. Now Molly comes out, and for the first time in a long time these two proceed to have a bad match. Couple flubbed spots. Gail comes out for the kind of run-in that is so obvious people pay more attention to the ramp than the ring. Gail has muscular thighs, yet their smoothness makes them invitingly feminine. I forget what happened next.
Rating relative to Sex: It was sub-par girl-on-girl action, which is forgivable only by virtue of the fact it was still girl-on-girl action.
Real Things That Really Happened For Real! They siphoned a litre of semen out of Lil’ Kim’s uterus. I swear I heard this from a really stupid person. I wouldn’t make something like that up.
Then Evolution talked annoyingly. They were smug but not entertaining, unlike last week. Apparently the writer’s strategy for constructing this week’s show is to take everything that worked last week and then make sure it never happens again. Hitler was using this same plan during the latter stages of World War II. Austin comes in, and says he’ll be the Enforcer for tonight’s main. Following in the tradition of other enforcers like Mike Tyson, Austin figures he can’t screw up the role. Chuck Norris is rolling over in his grave though.
Then Shane came out. I cannot remember a time where Shane inspired more indifference in wresting crowds than he does today. Maybe when he was on ring crew. He hates Bischoff. Well so did Eddy Guerrero but HE’S not bitter. Shane still has little reason to hate Bisch. He also has kerosene for The Big Glen Machine, but since we saw what passes for special effects in this company when it comes to setting people on fire over a month ago with JR, no one with a single functioning brain cell could possibly be excited by this threat.
Then Lance boring told The Artist Formerly Known as the Less Charismatic Generic Hick Son of an Overweight but Charismatic Hick who was the Son of a Plumber Himself that he is boring. Goldie yells a little in that dumb gimmick of his, and by the by that’s getting older than the suture holding Bob Dole’s heart together. Lance is commanded to sexually harass women. Jerry Lawler would be proud if he weren’t so busy being a pedophile.
Then Linda is in a really boring room. She actually reads WWE magazine. That makes none of us, because Linda’s probably a cyborg of some kind.
Then Test feigned injury to get his way, but for some reason JR didn’t say “shades of Shawn Michaels”. He booted Steiner, who looks slower, dumber and uglier every week. Now Stacy is Test’s to rape as he sees fit, and knowing WWE a cameraman will catch the crime on TV but not attempt to stop it. In court Vince will explain the “time honoured tradition” that this Good-Samaritan-Law-Violating act keeps sacred. Test did a good job though.
Rating relative to Sex: Like the first sex you have. Awkward, generally unpleasant, and ending with an excuse that doesn’t satisfy anyone.
Then they plugged Summerslam. Looks okay when you say it like that. Before Summerslam is over though, Metallica will sue someone for something.
Then La Resistance came out, showed the flag crap from the week before, and pie-faced a guy from the Army. He spoke without an accent. It was fairly obvious it was a plant when they laid their hands on him. The flag-waving happened after the Dudleys ran out and did their crap, and handed this guy their flag. Then the guy turned on them, marking the third consecutive week someone’s been knocked out with a hollow stick about as deadly as a wrapping paper roll. Jim Ross then saps the next three months “hyperbole supply” by comparing this guy to Saddam Huessein. The only thing this “fan” who I’m guessing is some OVW dude, and Saddam have in common is they were both given the weapons they used by Americans.
I am too an American. But I also read things.
Then Jericho combed his hair and smiled, then got scared and acted gay for a few seconds. Ross dared to say it could be the last time Jericho combs his hair, apparently unfamiliar with the concept of hair that grows back.
Real Things That Really Happened For Real! A man in Norway found out about his surprise party and decided to surprise the partiers by shooting his gun in the air while hiding in the bushes. He fired one off in the air, but then, emerging from his hiding place, unfortunately tripped, and shot one woman in the legs and injured five others. I’m not making this up. But I bet that party was a BLAST. *Rim shot*
Then Linda was shown in a really boring room. Her mouse-pad had the banned scratch logo on it. Heheh. Take that you fucking Panda. Much to the shock of everyone, Linda is a frequent visitor of 8th Street Latinas. That some good porn there, Boss Lady. That or WWE.com
Then Chris Jericho and Kevin Nash had another bad match on a night of bad matches. It wasn’t Jericho’s fault, and he did okay considering that he was given cancer. People seemed into a couple near-falls, and Jericho won with brass knucks. I guess Regal’s gonna be out a while longer.
Jericho ran to ringside and got the scissors and cut huge chunks of Nash’s hair. He then wore it and said something about eating it.
Rating relative to Sex: Like sex with a very skilled male lover, because you lost a very high-stakes bet. You didn’t want to enjoy it, but it could have been worse.
Then the Smackdown matches got some ad time. Uh…whatever.
Then they aired a skit with a little girl, a cat in a tree, Rosey, and the Hurricane. Everyone was so bad in their roles it seemed like they were trying to be bad. I wouldn’t laugh at this crap if it was on Conan, why should I laugh at it here? Because Triple H wasn’t in it? Hey…wait…that’s a good point.
BWHAAAHHAH…Ugh. I can’t do it. It still wasn’t funny. Oh and by the way, Rosey KILLS the cat. Ho-ha! I have a cat. This shit ain’t funny.
Then Rosey beat Rodney Mack. This was bad for more reasons than people Christina Aguilera’s had anal sex with.
Then Kane piledrove Linda and we see it again. TSN still won’t allow it though. Is it for the violence on women factor or the standing 69 set-up factor? Linda talks like a robot. It’s so boring my body gave me stroke just so I’d have something to do while watching it. Believe it or not Bischoff breaks into the mansion, talks about Shane, brings up the buying WCW thing (thank God) and then proceeds to rape Linda. Or talk about raping her. I would be offended but Linda seemed to be like so many women who act like they don’t want it but do nothing to stop it. In other words, despite her mild and unconvincing protests, Linda likes cock, and I hope Bischoff gave her some. It’ll be hard to imagine that Vince would let this fly, but knowing Vince he’ll probably show up on RAW to meet Bischoff and say “How dare you rape my wife? Only I may rape my wife! For you to do that…I should rape YOU! But I’m not gonna do that, because it took GRAPEFRUITS to rape my wife on television…And I admire grapefruits!” And then they’ll shake hands, while the continuity Gods flying somewhere over the cosmos suddenly endorse atheism.
No but seriously, this was not rape. This was just takin’ the pussy. They want us to do that every now and then. Who’s to day Linda wasn’t aggressively lusting back at Eric once they hit the boudoir!?! Maybe Linda clapped her hands and “Let’s Get it On” started. Maybe Eric’s wife came over and he sat on the bed and just watched. Who knows?
Then Shane stole a car from someone who probably had to work for his money. If my mother were being raped (which is impossible because the woman is a true nympho), I’d call the cops in my home town before I attempted to drive 630 miles before a guy gets a hard-on. But I guess that’s why I don’t write RAW.
Then RVD challenged Christian for the IC title. It was a solid contest, good exchanges, and Ross made a false call again. He just doesn’t care anymore. Kane’s pyro marked a run in. No chains or police escort necessary. I’d complain about that, but if Kane can throw lightning bolts he can probably shake the cops too. RVD is robbed of a win, mangled with a chair, and kidnapped.
Rating relative to Sex: Friday Night Missionary after missing the last three Fridays. It stood out because the sex has been bad for what seems so long. That didn’t make it amazing, but it made it enjoyable.
Then a video of Summerslam reminds me why I hate Metallica. They suck. It sure made a lethargic-looking card seem like it could kick ass, though.
Real Things That Really Happened For Real! Three teenagers were once arrested for eating bananas in a banana republic, which is illegal. Actually they were just platains, but the kids were all really short.
Then Stacy dances for Stevie Richards and Rico. Stevie Richards is supposed to be whipped by a Psycho Bitch and Rico’s supposed to be Gay. Yet they enjoy it. I’d also like to see some documentation that proves any manager has to do these things. I don’t recall seeing Bobby Heenan giving Rick Rude a lap dance.
Then Kane had believable intensity as he yelled at RVD. RVD showed fear in his eyes, as if the content of the segment wasn’t discussed with him beforehand. Perhaps he just forgot. Kane douses RVD with gasoline, then stops. That’s what we, the fans, apparently want. He won’t do that anymore. I just want this show not to suck, personally, so maybe Kane’s on the writing staff too.
Then Steve Austin showed up. After a commercial the main started. Okay match, with Goldberg selling for Randy even though he looks like he could eat him. I’m sure some girls worried when Randy was booked against the ‘Berg, perhaps thinking Goldberg would injure him. But hell, anyone can injure Randy Orton, who gets injured so often one wonders if he has the brittle bone disease and AIDS. If Goldberg doesn’t injure Randy, someone else will. Maybe he’ll get hurt doing a test of strength, or taking a stiff stare-down. Or maybe he’ll have a “make it through the night match” with Kevin Nash and they’ll both simultaneously combust, dying instantly, prompting the show to continue in accordance with company standards and precedents. Anyway, Flair ran down because Triple H (whose penis, we’re left to assume, Flair likes to munch on) told him to, pulled Austin out, danced around as if retarded, and then got attacked. Orton got attacked, and Austin set him up for a spear and a Jackhammer, in between which he stunned Flair. Good match, all things considered. Then Nash attacked Goldberg. Then Shawn attacked Hunter on the ramp. Then Jericho attacked Shawn on the ramp. Jericho and Nash stared each other down. Maybe they’ll be the last two remaining…
Oh…that was good one. Jesus, I’m wiped. That was longer and more painful than I thought it’d be. Feedback me. If you don’t, I’ll eat your children.
(edited by Hogan's My Dad on 19.8.03 0056) "Whatever I just posted above is what your mother said in bed last night."
I don't know if I'm currently in a weird mood or what, but I liked the column better than this week's OA and Satire. Yep. I also laugh too hard at things like "Gay Kim", so take that for what it's worth.