The Not-So-Weekly Wrestling Recap. Yes sir, I’m back. Due to the overwhelming popularity of my previous articles (which occasionally ran up to 2 responses) I have decided to revive my recap but to do so with no promise of ever doing it again, so that my credibility doesn’t take too deep a dive. Like I ever had any to begin with.
RAW: June 23, 2003
-We begin with the opening montage. It always sets the tone for an exciting night of exciting excitement. The first significant thing that happens is a match, in which Test and Christian beat Scott Steiner and Booker T. Test won with a big boot. Now you’d think, with a ref in the ring who is in contact with people in the back, that at Bad Blood they’d have at least called an audible and had Steiner lose. In a match where he slipped off the apron in Shockmaster fashion, and botched several moves, twice almost crippling Test, if ever a finish deserved to be changed in mid-match, it was that one. Here, for some reason, Test got the win that nothing less than the will of God indicates he should have gotten back in Houston. Christian and Booker were…Present. But only present in the way Zach Morris used to be on Saved By the Bell when he wore those glasses that looked like widely interested eyes, but he was really sleeping behind them.
Rating Relative to Sex: Like making out with a really boring chick who finds you mutually boring. Pointless.
Then we see Kane and ‘Taker from some time in ’97 or ’98. This is from the “When Our Product was Over” file.
Then the WWE asks you, the fan, if you think Kane will lose and unmask or if you think, rather, Kane will win the title. Notice these weekly polls always ask fans what they think they’ll see instead of what they want to see? I bet that’s how Steph gets feedback from the writing staff.
Then Maven beat Christopher Nowinski. Wow, this match would have been HUGE if they’d done it however many years ago Tough Enough 1 was. Now it has all the topical cache and all the marketing logic of casting Farrah Fawcett in the latest Charlie’s Angels movie. Teddy Long says Nowinski has been discriminated against because he’s smart. I like how this implies you’re automatically smart if you get into Harvard, whereas in reality you just need to know someone. Didn’t Bush go to Harvard? Nuff said. I also like how I just brought back ‘nuff said, which hasn’t been popular since the Cosby Show had its first run. And speaking of the Cosby Show, did you know Cliff’s dad provided the voice of Panthro on Thundercats? Wow…A reference no one will understand, I must be Vince Russo.
Rating Relative to Sex: Like doing it for the first time at the age of forty, a long build-up still didn’t stop it from ending prematurely.
Then Evolution arrived in a limo. That’s always the sign of a superstar. For a second I thought it was Linda arriving to update us on the divorce proceedings. She did say she wanted a divorce like, two years ago. What happened with that? If you know, tell me. And if you tell me, tell me as a reply to this post, so it looks as if you read and enjoyed this article.
Then RAW is TALK began as Crisp Jericho came out. I call him Crisp because his moves are crispy crisp. He was well-received in MSG, and there was a very audible Y2J chant which he promptly snuffed out of existence by mocking the New York accent in a way that involved the word “Canoli”. And in so doing, Jericho’s place as a God is further entrenched in the annals of wrestling history. He talks up Lance Storm who comes out and reads a “prepared” statement. He reads, and since reading is for chumps, Austin eventually interrupts on the big screen, and proceeds to bury everyone in the ring as deeply as he possibly can. He not only blows off Jericho talking up his Undisputed Title win, he calls him a “bitch”. He then demands to know why dinner’s not ready, if Jericho humped the mailman, why Y2J makes him so angry; before pulling a knife on him and saying “you brought this on yourself”. He then wipes the crack from his beard. Anyway, the gist of it is there’s a tag-match that apparently neither Jericho or Lance Storm were expecting, even though they came out for their segment in their ring gear.
-The Dudleys came out next. Kane apparently needs a “shake-up” but these guys can’t get one? Nothing bores me more than the Dudleys, and yet they always seem to get a good reaction. I can’t understand it. The match is nothing to sneeze at, and Lance lays off rest-holds so as not to give the fans much of an opening to call him boring. Ross talks up Freddy Blassie’s “get the tables” from about a month ago, as if that was a career highlight or something. Match finish was the black Dudley fetching the table for his white brother, but getting cut off. Still, an eventual 3-D ends the match, and the Dudley’s prove what Kevin Nash, Jake “the Snake”, and the Demolition all proved centuries ago. Even if you’re not over, as long as your finisher is, you will always have a job.
Rating Relative to Sex: Sex with your girlfriend after a couple weeks apart. Not as good as it should have been, but not half bad.
Then Ross lets us know Nash and Michaels will be teaming tonight, but DOES NOT call them the “Dudes with Attitudes”! WHAT THE HELL, MAN!?! He mumbles something about them never teaming in MSG, but I seem to remember Nash turning heel on Shawn while tagging with him in MSG setting up a PPV main event in 1996 I believe. But maybe I’m crazy.
Then we saw Kane running up the ramp like a member of the cast of Full House when someone takes his mask off, footage from the long forgotten days of a few months ago. I am moved to tears when I remember that the following week RVD asked him why he ran away; and when Kane said his mask was stolen, RVD remarked: “Who are you, Spider-Man?” I don’t know why, but I remembered that and laughed until tears streamed down my face. Now if only RVD could sell something besides a High Times subscription.
Then Randy Orton and Ric Flair read from Foley’s book. Despite the fact the quote read about a kiss, they said something about a breast. And how Foley’s never touched one. I wish they would have read from the part in Have a Nice Day when Mick said what a phenomenal idiot Ric Flair acted like when he was booker in WCW. Anyway, this segment sucked like Elton John at a frat party. It just wasn’t funny (hehe, I should talk). Orton is trying way too hard to be dislikeable. By the way, I looked up dislikeable and it is indeed a word.
Then Green Frogs Incorporated came out, title belts and all. They said nothing particularly insulting, began to sing their anthem, and were then booed by MSG, whose occupants on this night wished to remind them that pride in your background has no place in the United States of America.
Then after a break, Hurricane came out. He went back and forth and accused the Frogs of being disrespectful to America. Ironically, his face promo sounded like a heel promo that Nikolai Volkoff might have conducted in 1984. He said, “you dare to disrespect…” I mean, who says that? These are the words of Darth Vader, for God’s sake. If you’re going to accuse these guys of disrespecting America, do everyone watching a favour to cure them of their moral ambiguity, and actually have these guys…you know…disrespect America. It’s basic storytelling. To make matters worse, Sgt. Slaughter comes out. Jim Ross calls him a “Wrestlemania legend” in complete ignorance of the fact that he appeared in but one, or two if you want to count an eight-man which also featured Virgil and Repo Man as a “legendary” Wrestlemania appearance. This was horrible. Slaughter got pinned and JR sold disbelief that two toned guys they’re trying to get over beat a fat old man who even in his prime was about as fun to watch as the Rodney King video.
Rating Relative to Sex: You can’t compare this to any kind of sex that is legally and morally acceptable.
Then Kane admired himself in a mirror backstage and preened his hair like he was channelling Adrian Adonis.
Then they recapped Austin’s inquiry as to the whereabouts of “that” Kane. The one that beat him for the title. It would have helped if they showed Kane actually winning that match, but the fact that the finish was an overbooked schmoz that Kane only won because of the Undertaker makes doing so a vacant pursuit, so I see why they didn’t.
Then Kane is still admiring himself in the mirror. Despite his marvellous conditioning, though, he still sees a fat girl reflected back at him.
Then Austin comes down. He announces MSG got Wrestlemania XX. Uh…Yeah. Thanks a bunch, but it’s not even fucking July, so let’s move on. Then he brings Foley out, they show a video package which was a nice piece of work that really showcased how damn hard Mick worked most nights. Then RVD, Tommy Dreamer, The Dudleys up to and including Spike, and Al Snow all came on down with a framed Hardcore title. The gist is it was presented to Mick as a tribute. It was all very nice, and it blew quite a lot of smoke up the ass of someone who actually deserves it. I wouldn’t call it thrilling television, but at least it wasn’t a Triple H promo, or a joint Kane/Triple H promo where Kane says that even though Triple H mocked his dead girlfriend and said he had sex with her corpse, he still respects him because he’s “the game”. And don’t think they wouldn’t do it.
Then the Dudes With Attitudes beat Flair and Orton. This match was okay, nothing to write home about but not horribly well-booked either. First off, if HBK is supposed to be pissed about his loss to Flair, or is supposed to want a piece of Orton for causing it, his pre-ring dance and shmucky smile aren’t exactly doing an Oscar-calibre job of communicating that. Additionally, if Nash even remotely enjoys being a professional wrestler at all, his slow trudging entrance and lethargic ring work aren’t doing a great job of communicating that. Also, if Orton is supposed to get a rub from all these semi-retirees in the ring, his complete bitchification at every turn isn’t doing a real good job of communicating that. Anyway, it was decent, but that was mostly due to Shawn and Flair being involved and somehow being able to sleepwalk their way to decent. Flair got sweet-chinned for the finish. Kind of disappointing as it seems to be the end of Flair/Michaels, which never had a chance to get going.
Rating Relative to Sex: Like doing a girl who you heard was a lot better than she turned out being. Not great, but you’ll take it, and might even like a little more.
Then we got to see the circumstances which led to Kane getting his title shot. In pro wrestling, losing a lot = getting a shot at the pinnacle of your sport. Uh, yeah…
Then Kane warmed up. Heh…Heh…’Cause he’s burned.
Then we see Foley mock Flair and Orton. Mick slaps on the mandible before he eventually gets beaten up and thrown down a flight of stairs. Vince calls for a janitor. It’s hard to feel bad for Mick when he moronically mocks two people known for ganging up on people weaker than them. It’s kinda like punching a pimp in the face in the middle of the street.
Then Goldberg beat Rodney Mack. I liked how Goldie wasn’t billed over and over again throughout the program. I was actually wondering when he’d come out and then the segment just happened. Considering what they’re doing with him, a squash, it’s not unreasonable that they didn’t over-hype the appearance. His spearing of Rodney through the sparks was coolness personified. The Jackhammer was a little too quick for me, as a few other power moves may well have only further frenzied the crowd, but seeing as it was fickle MSG, I can see why they booked it safe. NYC loved Goldberg, and he didn’t really give them a reason not to. But is a Jew really a white boy ? I’m not trying to be smarmy here, I’m actually asking for real.
Then RVD wished Kane the best. He seemed really dishonest, but that was sadly his best attempt at acting. Then Kane smashed the mirror he was admiring himself in all the live-long night, after it apparently crushed his dreams when it proclaimed not Kane, but rather Snow White, the fairest of them all.
Then they showed a Wrestlemania moment of Trips pedigreeing Steph. Seriously guys, buy a fucking calendar.
Then Triple H buried Kane deep enough to strike oil. The match was passable, got the fans believing Kane might win, and then ended with a lot of run-ins. After the match, RVD came out and no one bought his offence. Then Kane unmasked, revealing a face not unlike Louie Anderson’s, and chokeslammed RVD. And I would too, if he came out after the match instead of fending these guys off before I’d been beaten. I hope Kane re-masks because that is way too much ugly to market successfully.
I’m out, hope you enjoyed.
(edited by Hogan's My Dad on 24.6.03 0130) "Whatever I just posted above is what your mother said in bed last night."
Goldberg is both Jewish and caucausian, so I would say yes, he's a white boy. For example, Ethiopia has a fairly signifacnt Jewish population, and they are all black. However, I was thinking the same thing myself during the match. I imagine it will be Teddy's excuse for why Rodney Mack lost - after all, aren't Jews just as discriminated against and persecuted as blacks or "smart people"?
Actually, George W. Bush went to Yale. Your point is taken, however.
Your match rating system cracks me up.
Over 1550 posts and still never a Wiener of the Day!
Oliva: You are the weakest link! Goodbye!
Stewie: Ahahaha. Oh God, that's funny. That's really funny. You write your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. 'You are the weakest link. Goodbye!' You know I've never heard anyone make that joke before. You're the first. I've never heard anyone reference that outside program before. Because that's what she says on the show, right? Hmmm? 'You are the weakest link. Goodbye!' And ye...ye..yet you've taken it and....and used it out of context to insult me in this everyday situation. What a clever, smart girl you must be. To come up with a joke like that all by yourself. Mmmmm...that's so fresh too. Any Titanic jokes you want to throw at me as long as we're hitting these phenomena at the height of their popularity. Mmmm? Cuz i'm here God you're so funny!
Great Satire as always. I noticed this week that the story ends with a 2... and last week it ended in a 3... What will happen the week after next? A huge shakeup in the world of Satire? Can I start the over-speculation with the return of Austinberg?