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The W - Pro Wrestling - the mighty WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 1/15/2004!
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DEAN RASMUSSEN
He is DEAN








Since: 11.12.01
From: Richmond, Va, U-S-A!

Since last post: 1299 days
Last activity: 1296 days
#1 Posted on | Instant Rating: 9.85
My wife brung home a 12 of Magnum malt liquor to cram down my booze hole so I should be pretty oiled up by the time the wrestling begins. It hasn't even started yet and already they are showing commercials for that fucking modeling show. I hum the song "Whole Lotta Rosie" and try to get on with my life. I'm so confused about the civilized world and the whole brevity of everything in the whole spectrum of the time-space continuum. Magnum will quiet my whinehole. Two hours to go... too drunk to edit. Too drunk for the Baron. 2 drunk 2 B B-lieved.

WHAT WORKED-

- The well-placed rumour that Benoit will win the Royal Rumble and go to RAW works to make me believe it's all a work and Benoit will not leave the beloved SMACKDOWN. All that is just to get INTERNET HEAT! SMARK HEAT! Cena is wearing the Reggie Rucker throwback? Cena with the ECW SHOOOOOOOT! (the part about Paul Heyman "sweating" Cena, not the lame bouncing check joke.) Rhyno fights for the honor of ECW? Where is Paul Laurier? Where is Tommy Cairo? Where is Johnny Hotbody? Where is Hack Meyers? TELL HIM PAUL HEYMAN! HIS FILTHY MOUTH IS WORSE THAN ANYTHING ON EARTH! John Cena vs Rhyno is so hilariously pre-determinedly that Cena is going over, Heyman could have stipulated Loser Gets His Mouth Washed Out With A-Train's Urine and you would still know that Heyman would have his teeth coated in pee and.... I can't remember the point I was going to make. Urine is ratings GOLD, though.

- Kurt Angle is Eddy's friend. He tells Eddy that CHAVO MOTHERFUCKING GUERRERRO FUCKING SENIOR is going to be there! FUCK YES! Soooo the Greatest Bob Armstrong EVER! Eddy is fucking Godlike in the segment- filled with love and hate, torn between blood and business. The slow burn to the turn and performance of Eddy is fucking SO like 1988 NWA-level Arn Anderson QUALITY PROFESSIONAL WRESLTING PATHOS. I don't think I've ever dug anything in WWE/WWF like this. Maybe Bret's anti-American turn. This is so Four Horseman/Barry Turning On Lex-level fucking great.

- They tease me with the Rikishi slow jam midnight love song. Rikishi and Scotty come out and Dawn Marie interrupts. All I can think about is Dawn Marie in the Vampirella outfit and I turn on what she is wearing (after quickily bludgeoning the lummox.) INSTEAD, they wrestle each other. Rikishi establishes the psychology early- and he wrestles suitably heel and squashes his partner.

- Chavo Senior is so fucking suave in the suit. Chavo is fucking awesome feigning regret before beating the shit out of his brother. Older brother, father, son, uncle, nephew- this covers a lot of bases. I got a younger brother- BEAT THE FUCK OUT OF HIM, CHAVO! DON'T TAKE THAT SASS MOUTH! Eddy is fucking GREAT in this segment- Eddy taking Chavo to task for raising his son. Chavito comes out and he is weilding SUCH legit heat with the crowd. THEN THEY ATTACK! And it fucking RUUUUULES! BROTHER vs BROTHER! Chavo Sr is fucking GODLIKE putting the boots to his brother and telling Chavito to put the boots to him. MOTHERFUCKING AWESOME. Best Angle Of Our Lifetime. Kurt Angle makes the save. This just fucking RULES.

- FBI follows the cool ass Guerrerro angle so this works by way of lingering love. Speaking of lingering love, I toast a second load to the artificially inflated titties of Dawn Marie. Or maybe I toasted it to Chuck's sweet ass. I'm pretty drunk so who could be sure. Chuck's punches are even sweeter than his ass. Chuck rules in this and even makes Johnny the Bull look presentable. Nunzio gets the flash win and my money is on him to win the Rumble. NUNZIO!

- Eddy is mad at Kurt. No he isn't. He wants to beat the shit out of Chavo and the crowd is stoked. If they made it Eddy/Angle vs Chavo Sr/Chavo Jr at the Royal Rumble, I WOULD GO TO A SPORTS BAR AND WATCH IT. I WOULD. YOU WOULD TOO.

- Heyman's line of bullshit to Rhyno was funny. ECW rules match? Does that mean winner gets paid after the video game money comes in? HAHAHAAAHHAA! Ah, fuck that. I remember going to the Out of Bounds in Richmond every Wednesday to see ECW on sattelite dish. I remember seeing Sabu vs 2 Cold Scorpio and drunks- DRUNKS OFF THE STREET- saying, "This shit is awesome!" and it fucking WAS. ECW was sooo fucking great for a good while there. It saved wrestling. For me anyway. Fuck it. Everybody talking shit about ECW used to fucking love ECW in 1994, 1995, 1996, 1997 and 1998. The reason most of you motherfuckers are watching wrestling today is because ECW brought you back to wrestling. I know it brought me back. This wasn't actually ECW though, because they weren't bleeding 5 minutes in and nothing had anything to do with Terry Funk. This was more of a Raven match from WCW. But was fine too. Cena sells his groin crushed LIKE A KING. Rhyno has a giant head. The usual human head is one 6th the size the human body. Rhyno is 5 to 1. I'm just noticing, that's all. Rhyno with the Benoit missed diving headbutt spot. Cena is fucking great selling Rhyno's offense. Rhyno gore gore gore gores the table! Cena with a perfectly fine looking F-5 for the finish. There you go. Perfectly fine wrestling. BENOIT~! CHRIS BENOIT~! CHRIS MOTHERFUCKING BENOIT~! I WILL THINK OUTSIDE THE BUN~! brings Heyman back to the ring for A-Train to pee on his teeth. Benoit and Cena share a special moment forcing soap down Paul Heyman's mouth. That was fun. I love Professional Wrestling. AND THE CENA SHOOT ABOUT HEYMAN SWALLOWING! Heyman is a fucking genius. This whole show was fucking great.

WHAT DIDN'T WORK-

- Rey Rey with the coolness that is the K-Ness Rey Rey mask joins the Taz and Cole table. Noble and Tajiri have a weirdly shitty looking match- as Tajiri does these shitty punches and Noble throws a HO-rendous lariat. The ringside shenanigans is 500% better than the ring action and they go to the finish. AH! This was an angle disguised as a match. As they leave ringside, blind Nidia's nipple's are muscling through the sweater and you are sporting the finest wood of your pathetic life. Yes. Yes, you are.

- Restraining order on Hardcore Holly is a second hand stunt from Stone Cold's initial ascension- thus they are Gillberging Stone Cold? What they couldn't find a bald midget? Randy Hogan wanted too much money? WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK!!!

- Bashams come out to bore the fuck out of me. Gimme the Old School Empire any day of the week over these guys. HEY! Shelton Benjamin graces my screen! And Haas is perfectly fine. It's stipulated and shit. I cannot drink swweet ssswwweeet Magnum fast enough. So, at work I have all these songs on my hard drive by bands that were called "hard rock". The usual suspects- Nazareth, AC/DC, Aerosmith, Thin Lizzy. But you know who nobody gives the mad phat props too- the motherfucking Scorpions. "Rock You Like A Hurricane"? "No One Like You"? Those are fucking songs. Songs that lasted a lot longer with me than the last New Pornographers record. And FUCK that's the match, folks. The match is a bunch of nearfalls and a quick pin and there you go. Quite the OVW match that wasn't so long as to cause me to pitch headfirst onto my keyboard and that's something I guess.

- Big Show vs Funaki? Big Show isn't Lee Scott and Funaki isn't Sid Vicious, so this squash ain't making the "What Worked" column. Big Show does make great "aaah! aaaaaaah! my cornhole is burning" faces. Like with syphilis or something.

- The second greatest moment of Billy Gunn's countdown is in the nether region between being a Young Gunn and fucking Chuck's sweet ass. So fuck alll that.

- They showed that model show again and now they have their own Simon. FUCK THESE KNOCK-KNEED BIMBOS WALKIN LIKE HOS! I'll wait for KING OF QUEENS and lust for the bootilicious babe that smokes these bitches like cheap cigars.

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

DEAN RASMUSSEN.





YES, I AM DEAN.
Promote this thread!
Torchslasher
Knackwurst








Since: 17.1.02
From: New F'n Jersey

Since last post: 7 days
Last activity: 23 hours
#2 Posted on | Instant Rating: 6.44
I'll just assume that the Magnum went to your head so fast that you forgot it was Paul Lauria, not Paul Laurier.

Other than that, more great stuff from the Dean, although I would like him to add "Emotional kicks to the gut" into the lexicon. Thanks Michael Cole!



Damn you WWE for making me change my sig. I'm sure you have good enough reasons to get rid of Shannon, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. Let me thus be the first to say: BRING BACK DAFFNEY!
DEAN RASMUSSEN
He is DEAN








Since: 11.12.01
From: Richmond, Va, U-S-A!

Since last post: 1299 days
Last activity: 1296 days
#3 Posted on | Instant Rating: 9.85
    Originally posted by Torchslasher
    I'll just assume that the Magnum went to your head so fast that you forgot it was Paul Lauria, not Paul Laurier.

    Other than that, more great stuff from the Dean, although I would like him to add "Emotional kicks to the gut" into the lexicon. Thanks Michael Cole!


DR: I...i... I said PAUL LAURIA! GODDAMMIT!



YES, I AM DEAN.
Eddie Famous
Andouille








Since: 11.12.01
From: Catlin IL

Since last post: 342 days
Last activity: 335 days
#4 Posted on | Instant Rating: 6.44

    Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN
    Chavo Senior is so fucking suave in the suit. Chavo is fucking awesome feigning regret before beating the shit out of his brother. Older brother, father, son, uncle, nephew- this covers a lot of bases. I got a younger brother- BEAT THE FUCK OUT OF HIM, CHAVO! DON'T TAKE THAT SASS MOUTH! Eddy is fucking GREAT in this segment- Eddy taking Chavo to task for raising his son. Chavito comes out and he is weilding SUCH legit heat with the crowd. THEN THEY ATTACK! And it fucking RUUUUULES! BROTHER vs BROTHER! Chavo Sr is fucking GODLIKE putting the boots to his brother and telling Chavito to put the boots to him. MOTHERFUCKING AWESOME. Best Angle Of Our Lifetime. Kurt Angle makes the save. This just fucking RULES.


AAAAA! This was going on as I had to sit thru engineering a college women's basketball radio broadcast! It's just...not...fair!




"In the sky. Lord, in the sky..."
DEAN RASMUSSEN
He is DEAN








Since: 11.12.01
From: Richmond, Va, U-S-A!

Since last post: 1299 days
Last activity: 1296 days
#5 Posted on | Instant Rating: 9.85
    Originally posted by Eddie Famous
      Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN
      Chavo Senior is so fucking suave in the suit. Chavo is fucking awesome feigning regret before beating the shit out of his brother. Older brother, father, son, uncle, nephew- this covers a lot of bases. I got a younger brother- BEAT THE FUCK OUT OF HIM, CHAVO! DON'T TAKE THAT SASS MOUTH! Eddy is fucking GREAT in this segment- Eddy taking Chavo to task for raising his son. Chavito comes out and he is weilding SUCH legit heat with the crowd. THEN THEY ATTACK! And it fucking RUUUUULES! BROTHER vs BROTHER! Chavo Sr is fucking GODLIKE putting the boots to his brother and telling Chavito to put the boots to him. MOTHERFUCKING AWESOME. Best Angle Of Our Lifetime. Kurt Angle makes the save. This just fucking RULES.


    AAAAA! This was going on as I had to sit thru engineering a college women's basketball radio broadcast! It's just...not...fair!



DR: C'mon Eddie. Nothing is more alluring than a Women's Collegiate Point Guard. Nope. Nothing.



YES, I AM DEAN.
Matt Tracker
Scrapple








Since: 8.5.03
From: North Carolina

Since last post: 9 hours
Last activity: 2 hours
#6 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.83
DEAN earns my respect yet ah-gain for referencing Arn Anderson as the template for rasslin pathos. I wholeheartedly agree.

Was I the only one thinking the Originals CD Times Square ad was gonna lead to a segment at The World? Did anyone else just forget until that moment that they had a restaurant in Times Square where William Regal would insult the waitresses while complimenting her "nice Bristols"? The flying cobwebs from my long-denied memories made me dizzier than a Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill.

And of course my fond memories of college inebriation brings me full circle to DEAN. The circle=unbroken. The snake eats its tail. Ouroboros to you all.

(edited by Matt Tracker on 15.1.04 1941)



"To be the man, you gotta beat demands." -- The Lovely Mrs. Tracker
DEAN RASMUSSEN
He is DEAN








Since: 11.12.01
From: Richmond, Va, U-S-A!

Since last post: 1299 days
Last activity: 1296 days
#7 Posted on | Instant Rating: 9.85
    Originally posted by Matt Tracker
    DEAN earns my respect yet ah-gain for referencing Arn Anderson as the template for rasslin pathos. I wholeheartedly agree.


    DR: Well let's just fuck the boooolshit. Arn Anderson in 1987 was like Chris Claremont writing for the Wolverine when it comes to pathos.



    YES, I AM DEAN.
Mr Heel II
Lap cheong








Since: 25.2.02

Since last post: 14 days
Last activity: 9 hours
#8 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.98
    Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN
    Everybody talking shit about ECW used to fucking love ECW in 1994, 1995, 1996, 1997 and 1998. The reason most of you motherfuckers are watching wrestling today is because ECW brought you back to wrestling.
A-f'n-men. I should have been a DirecTV dealer for the number of people I got to subscribe based on nothing but tapes of ECW.

(edited by Mr Heel II on 15.1.04 2221)
drjayphd
Scrapple
Moderator








Since: 22.4.02
From: Long Island

Since last post: 4 days
Last activity: 1 hour
AIM:  
ICQ:  
Y!:
#9 Posted on | Instant Rating: 6.95
    Originally posted by Eddie Famous
    AAAAA! This was going on as I had to sit thru engineering a college women's basketball radio broadcast! It's just...not...fair!



Did it at least involve UConn? No? Then no one was listening. Shame, too.

And now that I've finished reading the report, I must get some Windex. Clean up the snot rockets I just shot all over the monitor from DEAN's creamy "What Worked" goodness.



DEAN's Nuggets of Wisdom:

"A-Train could wear a Vampirella outfit and I would toast a load to it."
The 5th Horseman
Kolbasz








Since: 23.10.02
From: Myrtle Beach, South Carolina

Since last post: 3011 days
Last activity: 3000 days
#10 Posted on | Instant Rating: 6.29
Tune in next week when DEAN's "What Worked" list will include Hector Guerrero, in full Lazer-Tron costume, kicking the hell out of Eddy Guerrero.
JoshMann
Andouille








Since: 17.11.03
From: Tallahassee, FL

Since last post: 2300 days
Last activity: 2297 days
AIM:  
Y!:
#11 Posted on | Instant Rating: 3.60
    Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN
    Randy Hogan wanted too much money? WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK!!!


I'm about 95% sure I'm right about this, but I'm not sure if I'm on the same page:

IIRC, wasn't that one of the 80s NWA jobbers who used to look like a pint-sized version of Hulk Hogan, and I don't think he EVER got an offensive move in for the 5 years he was there? Although I'm not altogether sure what message Dusty was trying to convey with that.

Seriously though...he really REALLY should have formed a faction with the Mulkeys. They would have never won a match, but I wouldn't have cared.

(edited by Blanket Jackson on 16.1.04 0824)


Welcome To The Bryant Street Theater...have a Fruit Roll-Up
DEAN RASMUSSEN
He is DEAN








Since: 11.12.01
From: Richmond, Va, U-S-A!

Since last post: 1299 days
Last activity: 1296 days
#12 Posted on | Instant Rating: 9.85
    Originally posted by Blanket Jackson
      Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN
      Randy Hogan wanted too much money? WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK!!!


    I'm about 95% sure I'm right about this, but I'm not sure if I'm on the same page:

    IIRC, wasn't that one of the 80s NWA jobbers who used to look like a pint-sized version of Hulk Hogan, and I don't think he EVER got an offensive move in for the 5 years he was there? Although I'm not altogether sure what message Dusty was trying to convey with that.

    Seriously though...he really REALLY should have formed a faction with the Mulkeys. They would have never won a match, but I wouldn't have cared.

    (edited by Blanket Jackson on 16.1.04 0824)


DR: That was Randy Hogan. He was superfine.

DEAN.



YES, I AM DEAN.
vsp
Andouille








Since: 3.1.02
From: Philly

Since last post: 3041 days
Last activity: 255 days
#13 Posted on | Instant Rating: 0.00
    Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN
    I remember seeing Sabu vs 2 Cold Scorpio and drunks- DRUNKS OFF THE STREET- saying, "This shit is awesome!" and it fucking WAS. ECW was sooo fucking great for a good while there. It saved wrestling. For me anyway. Fuck it. Everybody talking shit about ECW used to fucking love ECW in 1994, 1995, 1996, 1997 and 1998. The reason most of you motherfuckers are watching wrestling today is because ECW brought you back to wrestling. I know it brought me back.


This man speaks truth in its purest form.

I remember flipping channels one late night in 1995, landing on Channel 48 (WGTW - Good Television to Watch!) at two-something in the morning while fleeing infomercials on other channels. What I saw was Rey Mysterio Jr. vs. Psychosis in a three-falls Mexican Death Match, and all I knew was that it wasn't like any wrestling _I'd_ ever seen before.






"As far as my lack of professional courtesy and my obvious immature humor in referring to using your head as a pickle jar, well, I reserve my courtesy for those whom I respect. Your lack of personal integrity has given me much grief, and I find that thinking of your hollowed-out head sitting on top of my fridge and providing a safe haven for pickles is a comforting thought."
-- the immortal Bill Mattocks
pieman
As young as
he feels








Since: 11.12.01
From: China, Maine

Since last post: 7 days
Last activity: 1 day
AIM:  
ICQ:  
Y!:
#14 Posted on | Instant Rating: 8.21

    Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN
    But you know who nobody gives the mad phat props too- the motherfucking Scorpions. "Rock You Like A Hurricane"? "No One Like You"? Those are fucking songs. Songs that lasted a lot longer with me than the last New Pornographers record.


And they could do the power ballad, too. "Winds of Change" is awesome.




Gabba Gabba Hey!


IncredibleHeelHeat
Linguica








Since: 18.6.02
From: Upstate Oklahoma

Since last post: 3692 days
Last activity: 2758 days
#15 Posted on | Instant Rating: 4.00
    Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN
    Chavo Senior is so fucking suave in the suit. Chavo is fucking awesome feigning regret before beating the shit out of his brother. Older brother, father, son, uncle, nephew- this covers a lot of bases. I got a younger brother- BEAT THE FUCK OUT OF HIM, CHAVO! DON'T TAKE THAT SASS MOUTH! Eddy is fucking GREAT in this segment- Eddy taking Chavo to task for raising his son. Chavito comes out and he is weilding SUCH legit heat with the crowd. THEN THEY ATTACK! And it fucking RUUUUULES! BROTHER vs BROTHER! Chavo Sr is fucking GODLIKE putting the boots to his brother and telling Chavito to put the boots to him. MOTHERFUCKING AWESOME. Best Angle Of Our Lifetime. Kurt Angle makes the save. This just fucking RULES.

    Eddy is mad at Kurt. No he isn't. He wants to beat the shit out of Chavo and the crowd is stoked. If they made it Eddy/Angle vs Chavo Sr/Chavo Jr at the Royal Rumble, I WOULD GO TO A SPORTS BAR AND WATCH IT. I WOULD. YOU WOULD TOO.


But they gotta bring AAA's six-sided ring in to complete the effect. Hell, get Psicosis, La Parka, and Dr. Wagner Jr. in there some way as well. The more Lucha goodness, the better!



"Austin vs. MacMahon is to the WWE what the nWo was to WCW."

- Venom, 5-8-003
redsoxnation
Scrapple








Since: 24.7.02

Since last post: 487 days
Last activity: 487 days
#16 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.28
All the while Eddie was talking to Chavo Sr. I thought he was calling him Charo instead of Chavo, and I was waiting for DEAN to bring back the days when he used to watch Charo on the Love Boat and picture her in the Vampirella outfit. And, was it just me or did Chavo Sr. look like a tanned Paul Jones tonite?



This is God's country, this is America and I've got a Rolex watch and you don't. Ha Ha.
PhilRippa
Chourico








Since: 4.1.02
From: Fairfax, VA

Since last post: 1961 days
Last activity: 566 days
#17 Posted on | Instant Rating: 8.03
    Originally posted by The 5th Horseman
    Tune in next week when DEAN's "What Worked" list will include Hector Guerrero, in full Lazer-Tron costume, kicking the hell out of Eddy Guerrero.


And the problem with this is???

The Lazertron return to WCW was amazing. Lazertron in 2004 would be so mind-numbingly great. PRESIDENT DUSTY RHODES!!!! SECOND TERM!!!! I want a WWE DVD dedicated to the original Guerreros RIGHT NOW! Fuck Bob Holly and his broken neck!

Phil



Hate World, Revenge Soon
DVDVR.com
The 5th Horseman
Kolbasz








Since: 23.10.02
From: Myrtle Beach, South Carolina

Since last post: 3011 days
Last activity: 3000 days
#18 Posted on | Instant Rating: 6.29
    Originally posted by PhilRippa
      Originally posted by The 5th Horseman
      Tune in next week when DEAN's "What Worked" list will include Hector Guerrero, in full Lazer-Tron costume, kicking the hell out of Eddy Guerrero.


    And the problem with this is???

Not a problem for me. I liked Lazer-Tron (then again, I was about 12 years old at that time). I liked Lazer-Tron for the same reason I liked the Blue Blazer. They were doing things that weren't very common back then.

    PRESIDENT DUSTY RHODES!!!! SECOND TERM!!!!

I think you might be confusing Lazer-Tron with the New Breed. It was the New Breed that claimed to be from the future (2002???) and claimed Dusty Rhodes was the President in the future.
PhilRippa
Chourico








Since: 4.1.02
From: Fairfax, VA

Since last post: 1961 days
Last activity: 566 days
#19 Posted on | Instant Rating: 8.03
I remembered it as Lazertron coming back to capture New Breed or the other way around... hence they were from the same time... hence the President Rhodes.

Of course, this was a long long time ago.

So very old...

Phil



Hate World, Revenge Soon
DVDVR.com
DEAN RASMUSSEN
He is DEAN








Since: 11.12.01
From: Richmond, Va, U-S-A!

Since last post: 1299 days
Last activity: 1296 days
#20 Posted on | Instant Rating: 9.85
    Originally posted by PhilRippa
    I remembered it as Lazertron coming back to capture New Breed or the other way around... hence they were from the same time... hence the President Rhodes.

    Of course, this was a long long time ago.

    So very old...

    Phil


DR: The NEW BREED were sent back from the future to destroy LazorTron. Greatest Angle EVER.



YES, I AM DEAN.
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