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The W - Guest Columns - The Internet Wrestling Syndicate presents Born to Bleed
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Since: 2.1.02
From: Montreal, Quebec, CANADA

Since last post: 1836 days
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#1 Posted on
An IWS Press Release

Internet Wrestling Syndicate
Chomedey, Laval, Québec, CANADA

Saturday, August 9th, 2003


Onyx Goes to War

Dru Onyx, the IWS champion, will finally confront his number one contender, the Arsenal next Saturday, August 16th, at Le Skratch in Chomedey, Laval during Born to Bleed. The Arsenal, the so-called "One Man War" has been ducking Onyx for months, trying to play mind games with the Bajan Bomber. IWS President Seska made the official announcement, "Should The Arsenal choose not to honour his contractual obligations at Born to Bleed, he will be released from the IWS." After her remarks, Onyx called the Arsenal his "number one tormentor" and promised to put the man he calls the "Hardcore Hobbit" into the intensive care unit.

In response, the Arsenal's manager, Iron Mike Patterson ranted, "The fans know that The Arsenal has beaten you once big man, and they can't wait for him to do it again. You see the problem with Onyx is that he is no fan favorite. The fans, they want their favourite wrestler The Arsenal to have the belt, the ladies want The Arsenal to rub that big gold strap up against them. So we are going to take the gold at Born to Bleed and then we are going to party, Mike P. style, whoo!" Iron Mike Patterson also announced that the other member of the Fan Favourites, Hardcore Ninja Number Two aka the Evil Ninja would not be competing at Born to Bleed, "Hardcore Ninja Number Two is sacrificing his own career to act as the Arsenal's sparring partner. The Evil Ninja will be The Arsenal's number two man. Like Larry Holmes getting Ali ready to beat George Foreman. You've heard of the Rumble in the Jungle? Get ready for the Slaughter at Le Skratch."

The man most disappointed that the Evil Ninja will not be in a match during Born to Bleed is the Triple X "Sex XXXpress" Sexxxy Eddy. The former two-time IWS champ, upset at his one-month suspension instigated by the Fan Favourites, had publicly challenged the Evil Ninja to a match at Born to Bleed. Instead of that match, Eddy will face El Generico in a match booked by the Renaissance Man Peter LaSalle. The IWS announcer used his mysterious booking power for this match to help him choose for his vacation destination between the temptations of Tijuana's Titty Twister Palaces and Montreal Danse Contacte Clubs.

The Westmount Warrior, Beef Wellington will face his former body-guard Career-Killer Kurt Lauderdale. Beef's tag team partner, Kid Kamikaze, will be in Beef's corner despite the grievous injury suffered by the Westmount Playboy when Hi-5 lost their IWS tag team belts at Hardcore Heat. Beef blames that loss and Kid Kamikaze's injury on Kurt Lauderdale, "I totally blame Kurt. We had that match won until he interfered. But I blame myself as well. I never should have trusted a man who doesn't even own a swimming pool. Kurt calls himself the "Career-Killer"? Let's see if his career can survive the ass-punch!"

The Green Phantom and EXcesS69 will defend their newly won IWS tag team title belts against the Flying Hurricanes, Takao and Kenny the Bastard. Will the unlikely title victory unite the IWS Odd Couple? Or will the Flying Hurricanes' smooth partnership give them an advantage against two men know more for fighting each other than their opponents?

Also scheduled for Born to Bleed is a monster six man tag match pitting the united forces of le Syndicat de Lutte Internet against the champions of Latin America as Fred le Merveille, Damian DuMont and Viking Vigneault will face off against Latino Kid, Latino Mysterio and Puerto Rican star Hercules Ayala Jr. The latest installment in le Syndicat de Lutte Internet's war against those who don't speak French may be the most explosive yet. Given how dramatic Hercules Ayala Jr.'s first appearance in an IWS ring was, wrestling fans eagerly await his first IWS match.

Born to Bleed will also feature Crazy Crusher, the Renaissance Man Peter LaSalle, Commissioner Joseph FitzMorris, President Seska, Elsa Bangz and, as always, the host for the IWS live events, Brian the Guppie of the Team 990's Between the Ropes.

The IWS presents Born To Bleed, scheduled for August 16th, at Le Skratch, 965 Cure Labelle, Chomedey, Laval, Québec. Tickets are twelve dollars at the door. For information about the show e-mail or visit the Internet Wresting Syndicate at their web-site: For information about IWS merchandise & DVDs e-mail or order from

"Don't Blame CANADA, Blame Yourselves!"
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Miss Jackie enveloped him into her monsterous...uh...thing. Thanks everybody.
- Excalibur05, Vehicular Satire 10/6/03 (2003)
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