OMG I am back with more Hot Newz! And the "big" newz this month is that the WrestleMania 25 IS JUST SOME UNITS OF TIME away! However I don't think this is really big newz since this year's WrestleMania 25 card is the worst WrestleMania 25 card I've ever seen! HHH versus Randy Orton, AGAIN? How many times have we seen that now...FOUR? That's two too many (one match and a rematch is acceptable!) John Cena versus Edge versus Big SLOW? It makes me sick to my stomach! One of those three does NOT belong in a WM main event and I think you all know who I mean (Cena)! Chris Jericho keeps beating up legends but instead of fighting a REAL legendat WM like Flair or Bret Hart or The Warlord or Mickey Rourke he's going to be fighting Jerry "The Burger King" Oliver who is really fat (he eats burgers)! They might as well have a Melina versus Maryse match on the card it's so bad already...wait a minute, they do? GAY OUT LOUD!
So instead of previewing WrestleMania or reviewing anything (because my reviews are too long to read, apparently!) here is my collection of the ALL TIME GREATESTEST wrestling quotes of all time! These are quoted VER BATMAN from my memory so don't try to correct me (but if you're a hot girl, DO try to erect me!) These quotes are listed in no particular order but they all have one thing in common: they're great! Let's get started!
1. DDP's speech on RAW after revealing himself as Sara (the Undertaker's butter face wife!)'s stalker in 2001 (so old most of you weren't even born then!)
(DDP rips his mask off.)
DDP: "It's me! D D P! BANG! And like the Diamond Cutter, haha, you never say it COMING, haha! I know you've all got questions! QUESTIONS you want to know the answers to! I know you all want to know why I'd stalk Sara and steal her underwear, masturwank in them, then return them to her! I know you all want the BUZZ on why I did the things I did! Well guess what, chumps? I'm gong to give you all the answers you can handle - (fans CHEER) - in a lonng, rambling incoherent promo - (fans BOO) - that will answer all your questions with answers! (Fans say "what?") But just when you think you've got the questions figured out, I might change the answers, haha! BANG! It all started when I was walking down the street one day and I saw Sara, the Undertaker's wife! It was an amazing coincidence! And I thought to myself 'man, that chick is NOT hot enough to stalk!' But then I remembered some advice my dad gave me when I was a little diamond, he said to me that if you want to be FAMOUS you go after the biggest, baddest, toughest, DEADEST hombre in the yard, and Undertaker, that's you, brah! And there's nothing I want more to be FAMOUS, and being in WCW hardly even counts! So I stalked your wife UnderBAKER so that YOU would make me famous, brah-ha-ha! Brah-ha-BING! My whole life, since I was eight years old, people have been telling me I'm just too OLD and CREEPY LOOKING to make it to the shizzow, to be famous...but I proved their asses wrong because I'm the man that BE! Famous! Bang!"
This promo was so great that the Undertaker was SCARED of losing his spot to DDP and used his influence to hold the man down!
2. Vince Russo shoots on Hulk Hogan at Bash at the Beach 2000
Russo: "Alright you mooks in the back, don't ya dare cut my mic because I'm shooting from the hip here, brahs! Don't look at your schedule, Schiavone, because this ain't scheduled! Earlier tonight we saw Hulk Hogan lie down and let Jeff Jarett pin him. You know why? BECAUSE WRESTLING IS FAKE. That's right ya mooks, every single match you've watched tonight has been fake. Fake fake fake! I know you like to suspend your disbelief and pretend they're real when you watch them, but I'm here to tell you they were FAKE CRAP and you all wasted your money! But think about this, even though they were all fake, Hulk Hogan STILL refused to lose to Jeff Jarett tonight! Thats' right, that's the kind of man the Huckster is, he wouldn't even lose in a fake fight! FAKE! So I worked that old bastard, I told him if he lay down for Jarrett tonight, then tomorrow night on Nitro I'd let him run over Jeff with a monster truck. BUT I LIED! I fooled his ass! I just SET FIRE to his monster truck! He's probably discovering it now! He won't be able to run over Jeff Jarrett with a pile of ashes! And you know the reason why I did it was for YOU fans, you stinking ingrate fans of this fake crap, who don't want to see Hogan in the main event anymore, you want to see younger stars like Jeff Jarrett and Scott Steiner and Lex Luger and Abdullah the Butcher and Kidman, all those young kids! So that's why I did the things I did and that's why ratings have gone up by a whole QUARTER POINT since I took over WCW and that's why Vince McMahon is on his cell phone to the cops right now telling them to arrest me for exposing the business, but there's nothing you can do about it Vince, there's nothing you can do to stop the rise and rise of WCW, one company, under ME, SUCK IT, BRAH!"
Then he did a crotch chop and left and Schiavone said "he burned a monster truck!"
3. Chris "Monday" Jericho (hi CRZ!) debuts on RAW way back in 1999!
Jeircho: "WELCOME to RAW is JERICHO!!! And I am the new millennium for the World Wrestling Federation! That's right, I'm the new thousand years for the WWF, jackclowns! Now for those of you who DON'T know me MY NAME is Chris Jericho and I am a big bad booty daddy from Canada who's come here to kiss all your women and smash their thumbs with hammers! So watch out, Chyna! And for those of you who DO know me, well, wasn't that 'man of a 1004 holds' thing I did with Dean Malenko a year ago funny? Yes it was! Now you might wonder why I'm here. Good question! Chris Jericho has come to SAVE the WWF! From jerkclowns like THAT ONE in the ring, The Rock! Hey The Rock, why do they call you The Rock anyway? Is it because you're dumb as a bag of rocks? Ha! And also Road Dogg. I've come to save you from Road Dogg. So anyway, get your party hats on, inflate some balloons, because we're going to party like it's 1999...oh wait, it is! But it's not Y2K, it's Y2J! What does that stand for? Umm, don't think about it. JUST ACCEPT the fact that I'm here and I'm going to start doing a crappy version of the liontamer called the walls of Jericho, even though the lionsault is still called the lionsault, and things will NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVAAAAAAAAAA ever...wait, I got that wrong....NEVER....EVAAAAAAAAAAAAA by the same...aGAYne!
Rock: "After nine boring minutes, The Rock says know your role and shut your hole! How dare you, little jabroni come on the ROCK'S SHOW and not even have the class to introduce yourself...what is your name?
Jericho: "I told you, jerknose, it's..."
Rock: "IT MATTERS NOT WHAT YOUR NAME IS!"
Jericho: "So why did you ask me then?"
Rock: "So I could pwn you!"
Jericho: "Damn it!"
Rock: "Ha! EPIC FAIL!"
That's right, The Rock invented both "pwn" and "epic fail" in one promo, a fact which has been lost in the MISTS OF TIME but I've just uncovered it!
4. Andre The Giant challengers Hulk Hogan to a title match at WrestleMania 3 on PIper's Pit
Roddy Piper: "Hahaha, I can't wait for that crazy new show ALF to start soon! And now Hulk Hogan!"
Hogan: "Well you know something brother, I can't wait for ALF either, and I can't wait to beat whoever I face in the main event at WrestleMania, be it King Kong Bundy or just you again, brother!"
Andre: "Actually how about you give me the match."
Andre: "I am undefeated for twenty years and want to be world champion!"
Hogan: "No! NOOO! Please don't do it, Andre, please don't challenge me to a match, even though you deserve one! We're best friends and, more than that, you're really tall! You might beat me if we wrestle! How can you put me in that position, brother!"
Andre: "Haha, it feels good to be evil!"
(Hogan gets down on his knees and begs.)
Hogan: "Please don't make me fight you! I can't face having to take on a real challenge! Let me wrestle the Moondogs or something!"
Andre: "Haha, suck me giant dick while your'e down there."
(Fans laugh. Andre rips Hogan's t-shirt off. Fans cheer.)
Piper: "They're cheering because they're homos and they want to see Hulk's bare chest!"
Andre: "By the way, I'm FRENCH!"
Great heeling by Andre there!
5. Matt Hardy returns to RAW in 2005 and shoots on Edge!
Matt: "That's right! This isn't a ROH show, this is RAW and I'm back! But this isn't a happy occasion, so stop cheering me, fans! I know you love cheering me, but stop! Because this is serious, this is dark, this is twisted, this is my soul laid bare, this is a myspace post in person! This is all about my real life love for AMY DUMAS who you fans know only as Lita and my best friend ADAM COPELAND who you fans know as Edge! Take a minute to wrap your brains around that!
(Matt stops talking for a full minute as the fans just look confused and bored.)
Matt: "Okay, we're back! Now as many of you know, on TELEVISION Lita was married to Kane. But she went HOME at night to be with ME in my bed where we had SEX. Why didn't Kane know about this? Because he's a retard, duh! Why isn't Lita cheating on Kane with me as bad as Lita cheating on me with Edge? BECAUSE THIS IS REAL. EVEN THOUGH THEY'RE BOTH BEING USED AS WRESTLING STORYLINES. Lita, you bitch, you harlot, I stayed with your ass for years! Despite your face going weird! I stayed with you DESPITE your face going weird, DESPITE your crappy promos and sloppy matches...all because you have giant tits! No, not just that! Also because, umm, I liked your personality and stuff. WE WERE SOUL MATES. Then Edge, that human piece of shit, that shitman, that toilet paper avoider, who STOLE YOU by being better in bed than me, came along and ruined everything! He tried to KILL ME in a metaphorical sense, but Matt Hardy WILL NOT DIE in a metaphorical sense! Lita, Edge, I WILL KILL YOU BOTH live on pay per view at Summerslam in a literal sense...then we'll see who the real loser is!"
This resulted in Edge squashing Matt in five minutes at Summerslam. LOL.
6. Ric Flair retuns on Nitro, shoots on Bischoff in 1998!
Arn Anderson: "And now let me introduce the first horseman...Dean Malenko! Okay, he's boring. And now, Chris Benoit! Yeah, he's boring too. He'll never do anything crazy or make the headlines! And now, the third horseman, who's only a horseman to justify his massive salary, Mongo McMichael! Well that's about it, nothing much left to say...my God, I almost forgot the fourth horseman! Ric Flair, get your narrow ass out here!"
Ric Flair: "Whooo! The greatest...whooo! The greatest of all...whoooo! The greatest of all time! WHOOO! I walked that aisle and I say to myself, I say 'Ric? You're the greatest, WHOOOO, the greatest of ALL time!' WHOOOOO! And sexy ladies? I'm going to have sex on all of you, whooo!"
Bischoff: "Cut his damn mic!"
Flair: "YOU! You can't cut my mic, it's already cut! YOU! Over-bearing ass! You're an ass! An asshole! Over-bearing ass! You're a bear! YOU! You suck! I hate your guts! Your guts suck! I hate your bear! YOU! Fire me? I'm already fired! I'm already fired! I mean, suspended. Suspend me? I'm already suspended! WHOO! EGOTISTICAL! WHOOO! FIRE ME, I'M ALREADY FIRED! GET MORE PUSSY IN ONE NIGHT, WHOO, THAN YOU GET IN A LIFETIME! WHOOO!"
(Flair dances and elbow drops Mongo's foot.)
I suppose you had to be there.
7. Steve Austin wins the King Of The Ring in 1996
Dok Hendrix: "Heeeeeeeeeey, Handsome Dok Hendrix here! And now, introducing the new king of the ring, Stone Cold Steve Austin! Or should I say Stone Cold KING Austin?"
Austin: "No, you shouldn't!"
(Fans boos because they love Dok.)
Austin: "SHUT UP! Or I'll make you into UGLY Dok Hendrix by kicking your butt! Or by kicking your face until it looks like your butt!"
(Fans boo ever louder.)
Vince: "We apologies for the language used by Steve Austin."
Austin: "Jake The Drunk, you old drunk, you ain't nothing but a drunk! You go to church and pray to your Jesus like he actually ever existed, then you go home and you thump your bible even harder than I thump my wife! Jake, you talk about your psalms, you talk about your Cain and Able, your Kane and The Undertaker, you talk about Noah's Ark even though it's highly unlikely he could round up two of every animal in the entire world, you talk about your John 3:16? Well Austin 3:16 says I just opened your ass! I mean, opened a can of whoop-ass. On your ass! I mean...let me start again."
Dok: "Okay, it's only an Ahmed Johnson match next anyway, we're in no hurry to get to that!"
Austin: "Austin 3:16 says I just whooped your ass!"
Vince: "MY GOD!"
(Several audience members faint at the use of the word "ass" as it is 1996!)
Of course now they only show the end part.
8. The Rock shoots on Billy Gunn 1999
Rock: "Billy Gunn, YOU ROODY POO, you think you can step into the ring with the Rock? Well the Rock might as well be wrestling Gangrel! Or The Goon! Or a lightheavyweight! That's how much you suck, Billy! And the only reason you won King Of The Ring is because you fought X-Pac in the final and he's the only person who sucks more than you! Hell even your brother Bart won the Brawl For All, what have you won? The SUCK FOR ALL? You suck! Beating you at Summerslam will mean nothing because you suck so much and people shouldn't even order the show because it'll be waste of money! Even God thinks you suck, and he's God!"
I don't know why this one is so highly regarded to be honest.
9. Rikish reveals that HE ran over Austin!
Mick Foley: "You see I went back and looked at the car that ran over Austin and I found that the seat has been adjusted for a FAT LARGE MAN of 400 pounds. Somehow no one else had noticed this in the last year. And also there were lots of twinkie wrappers on the floor. And choclate smeared into the dashboard. And a raw fish under one of the seats. And a 'how to dance' instructional book. All this led me to believe that the man who drove the car and ran over Austin was a FAT, DANCING SAMOAN...
Rikishi: "But who, detective Foley?"
Rikishi: "Ho ho ho ho! Well played! Well played indeed, my friend. Yes. Okay. I admit it. I did it. I ran over Austin all by myself without Triple H paying me to do it or anything. But I didn't do it for me! Or for the money Triple H wasn't paying me. No. NO! I did it...FOR THE ROCK! Ho ho ho ho! You see the WWF has always been about the great WHITE hope. Maybe you all can't see it because you're too WHITE to notice. But I'm samoan and so is The Rock! And black. BUT HIS HEART IS SAMOAN. And we samoans look out for each other. Remember the Headshrinkers? Remember what a great tag team they were? Yet how many times did they win the tag team titles? NOT ONCE. I don't think...don't look it up. But look at all the great champions in WWF history. Hulk Hogan? White. Bob Backlund? Pasty white. Ultimate Warrior? He tried to hid it with facepant, but he was WHITE. Bruno Sammartion? Italian...but not samoan! That's why I did it! The only way a samoan could ever win a world title was if I ran over Steve Austin first! Huh? What do you mean The Rock won his first world title a year before I ran over Austin? Shut up! More WHITE lies! I'll run you all over! Ho ho ho ho! By the way, I never even liked dancing."
Unfortunately this promo was TOO REAL and the WWF chickened out and revealed that HHH had hired Rikishi to do it and that "racism doesn't exist in wrestling at all so STOP THINKING ABOUT IT, okay pal?" (to quote MICHAEL HAYES.)
10. Scott Steiner shoots on the Dudleyz on some TNA ppv a while ago
Blond Interviewer: "So..."
Scott Steiner: "Shut up blondie or I'll give you a Steiner screwdriver and I don't mean my finishing move...I mean my penis. Team 3 DUDLEY! You guys suck, but when I say you suck, I mean you suck down food at the dinner table and that's why you have such FAT ASSES. That's right! You got FAAAT AAAASSSSSES! You're scared of me and you want to run, but you can't run, but you should run lickety spliff, but you can't, why? Because you got such FAAAAT AAAAAAASSSSSES! The APA stiffed you guys when you debuted in the WWF, but there was nothing you could do about it, becuase you got such FAAAAAAAAT AAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSES! What happened to little Spike? Oh, I know, he suffocated because you sat on him with your LARGE BUTTS! And by that I mean your FAAAAAAAAAAAT ASSSSSES! You two aren't even real brothers, it's just a stupid gimmick that all these marks fell for, because they were hypnotised by your FAAAAT ASSSSES! Come on, Buff, let's go."
Rick Steiner: "Umm, I'm Rick Steiner. I think."
Scott Steiner: "Oh yeah, the FAT ASSED faced Germlin!"
Rick Steiner: "That's me!"
TNA you rule!
11. X-Pac shoots on Eric Bischoff on RAW 1998
X-Pac: "Well look who it is, it's me! SUP BITCHNIZZLES? Hey Eric, bet you never thought you'd see me on RAW, did you? Bet when you FIRED ME you never thought I'd show up on RAW and shoot on your, bitchteeth, but that's EXACTLY what I'm doing! I'm going to let you all in on a little secret about Eric Bischoff...he's gay! He takes it up the ass! He takes so much up the ass that his ass hurts but he says he wants more because that's how gay he is! He has sex with men! And he eats shit! The only reason Kevin Nash and Scott Hall still work for WCW is because they're being HELD HOSTAGE! That and the millions of dollars they're paid. Eric, you're so gay, man! Gay as a brick! And I know what goes on behind closed doors between you and Hulk Hogan: you have gay sex together! So Eric, I want nothing to do with your gay ass because homosexuality is gay, and by the way I've got two words for you, SUCK IT!
(X-Pac gives Cactus Jack a Bronco Buster.)
HMM, isn't there something GAY about the Bronco Buster? That's right, there is...that move wouldn't even hurt at all! How gay!
Matt: "That's right! This isn't a ROH show, this is RAW and I'm back! But this isn't a happy occasion, so stop cheering me, fans! I know you love cheering me, but stop! Because this is serious, this is dark, this is twisted, this is my soul laid bare, this is a myspace post in person!
That really sums up every Matt Hardy interview since his return.
All of Scott Steiner's TNA promos sounds like they've been written by Hot Newz anyway. He cut one about Samoa Joe a few weeks back that descended so far into gibberish by the end it sounded like he was saying "Joe, you're HALF BREAD". Perhaps only beaten by the one where he proved with maths that he was gonna win his match.
After posting it, I thought, "Hey, this belongs in Recap Feedback" and was going to repost it there (complete with a "Yes, *I'm* that guy" edit... really) but then I decided it wasn't worth it, but apparently, IT IS.