After three weeks of hurricanes and casino visits, I'm back. Sorry if I left any of you hanging. It's time for The Great Thomas SmackDown! Report!
LAST WEEK: OMG TEH BIG SHOW HAS COME BACK TO SAVE WRESTLING OMG!!!11!!1!1!!1
Torrie Wilson: Shit. I come back to this?! Oh, she's here to introduce the competitors for Round 4 of the Best of Five Series. Cena's out first, followed by Booker T. Hey, Torrie would make a very convincing ring girl! Just hand her a "ROUND 4" sign and I'd never say anything bad about her again! What? Oh, yeah, the match!
Best of Five Series- Round 4: Cena vs. Booker T: Clotheslines by Cena. HUGE ARMDRAG! GIANT KICK by Booker! So good it deserved two replays! FLAPJACK by Cena! SPINEBUSTER by Booker! Booker grabs the belt, but the ref snatches it, and Cena goes for a rollup... Booker kicks out! FIVE-KNUCKLE SHUFFLE by Cena! Cena pumps up... F-U is thwarted! BELTSHOT by Booker! Booker covers, but Cena got the shoulder up! Booker goes for the SCISSORS KICK, but Cena hits the F-U for the win! Cena and Booker are tied, 2-to-2! Predictable.
Locker Room: Mr. Long talks to the Big Show, and praises him for the impact he made last week. Mr. Long says that there will be a contract signing tonight. There are two contracts for No Mercy: One is "Eddie Guerrero vs. Big Show", and the other is "Kurt Angle vs. Big Show", and Big Show has to sign one of them.
Michael Cole: He's in the ring to introduce Billy Kidman. Three weeks ago, he damn near killed Chavo Guerrero. And last week, he walked out of his match giving the titles to Kenzo Suzuki and René Duprée. Michael Cole accuses Kidman of being a quitter. Kidman denies the accusation. Kidman says he's misunderstood, and that he didn't want to hurt people. He accuses the fans of being bloodthirsty for wanting to see the Shooting Star Press. Paul London comes in, and is mad that Kidman walked out on him. What does Kidman has to say to London? Nothing! London slaps Kidman, but Kidman just walks away. Tazz is angry.
SmackDown! ThrowBack: TLC III.
RVD/Mysterio vs. The Dudleys: Cruiserweight moves galore! Bubba Ray gorilla presses Rey onto the ropes. JUMP KICK by RVD! FLYING CROSS BODY by Mysterio to Bubba on the outside! RVD hits the FIVE-STAR FROGSPLASH to D-Von for the win! Afterwards, Spike screams at his brothers. The older Dudleys are visibly frightened of Spike's VENGEFUL WRATH.
Last Week: Heyman slapped Cole, and Cole UNLEASHED TEH RAGE! This week. He apologises, but Tazz says Cole don't gotta apologise for nothing!
Locker Room: Eddie Guerrero tells Big Show that he didn't appreciate Show making his impact by beating him up. Eddie says Big Show should sign the "Eddie" Contract for No Mercy.
Backstage: JBL wants to prove that he's not afraid of the Undertaker, so he's gonna call out Taker RIGHT NOW!
JBL: JBL calls out Taker. Taker comes out. JBL sends Orlando Jordan to the back. JBL and Taker face off... and they brawl! Taker gets the advantage, but OMG GANGREL AND VISCERA HAVE COME BACK TO SAVE WRESTLING!!!11!1 They beatdown on Taker. GIANT POWERBOMB by Viscera! But Taker does the ZOMBIE SIT-UP! SUPERMAN COMEBACK! CHOKESLAM to Jordan! BIG BOOT to Viscera! But JBL hits the CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL! Viscera hits the BIG SPLASH! And ANOTHER! JBL grabs the Title and poses over Taker's corpse.
MOMENTS AGO: Markout moment for me! Hey, I like Viscera! ROLLING WHEEL KICK like a motherfucker!
Suzuki/Duprée vs. F.B.I.: Squash match. Meanwhile, Heidenrich grabs Cole and runs off with him. Tazz gives chase. We got a silent match going on! Awesome. PRESS SLAM by Stamboli! Duprée hits the MICHINOKU DRIVER II for the win! BEST MATCH EVER.
MOMENTS AGO: Heidenreich tore out SmackDown's Larynx.
RAW Rebound: Mr. McMahon has a GROUND-BREAKING ANNOUNCEMENT for next week! Followed by a beatdown on Coachman. Randy Orton has antics inside a cake. And Shelton Benjamin returns, presumably to save wrestling.
Backstage: OH, FUCK! Is Heidenreich RAPING COLE?! SICK, DUDE!
Locker Room: Luther Reigns tells Big Show that Show doesn't want to hurt Kurt Angle any further. Big Show, Luther and Kurt Angle are the same. Eddie Guerrero doesn't understand him, and never will. Luther leaves Show with that thought.
SmackDown! Season Premiere: OMG HULK HOGAN AND STEPHANIE MCMAHON WILL RETURN TO SAVE WRESTLING!!!11!!1 And Stone Cold, too, but I hate him.
Backstage: Heidenreich reads poetry to Cole while continuing to rape him. Then he lets Cole go, but not before making Cole thank him.
Haas vs. Spike: The Dudleys corner Jackie, which distracts Haas, allowing Spike to get the advantage. ARM SCISSORS by Spike, but Haas lifts him up for a BACKDROP! DUDLEY DOG is thwarted. D-Von attacks Haas, and that's a DQ. Afterwards, Bubba grabs his belt, and is about to whip Haas, but OMG RICO HAS RETURNED TO... ah, forget it. He saves Haas.
Carlito Carribbean Cool: He causes a car accident. He's that cool.
Contract Signing: Theodore Long comes out with the two contracts. He brings out the Big Show. Then he brings in Kurt Angle who shakes hand with Big Show. Now Long brings out Eddie Guerrero. Angle has something to say. Angle says that he doesn't hold a grudge against Big Show. Nobody wants to see Angle vs. Big Show. Show needs to destroy someone who deserves it. And that's Eddie Guerrero It's Eddie's turn to speak. He's more than happy to fight Big Show. And he promises that Big Show will never forget No Mercy. It's Big Show's decision now. He teases signing the two contracts. He signs the "Eddie" contract! It's Big Show vs. Eddie at No Mercy! Kurt attacks Eddie. But Show breaks the "Eddie" contract and signs the "Angle" contract! Luther and Kurt attack Big Show, but Eddie makes the save, and they chase Luther and Kurt away. And... we're out.
That's all for this week. Until then, Good Night, take care of yourselves, and if you're in Florida, please, don't gamble at the Seminole casino. Mickosukee Hotel & Casino has better odds on the slots! Trust me!
If I ever see Heidenreich gaynal rape anyone ever again, I will shove sharpened #2 pencils into my eyeballs.
The whole thing backstage with Cole was just too much.
You, watching this at home, worship me! I command you! Become my willing sprawls and live eternally! Oh, the sweet sublime feeling of complete obediance to your Evil Master! Come serve me, the Prince of Darkness, I command it! Hear me! Obey me! OBEY ME!
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened. - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
The Booker/Cena match was okay. The thing with having a "best of" series is that you need to find two wrestlers with a wide moveset, who can put on 5 matches that at least look different. I don't think these two fit the bill....Interesting twist on the contract signing by Theodore Long....What's wrong with Kidman's eye?....London was pretty decent on the mic....
The tag match was all-right. I couldn't believe how softly RVD met the corner when he was "whipped" into it. The Spike-being-tough thing seems interesting....Yeah, I'm a mark for wrestlers coming back. I didn't really see the point of 'Taker fighting them off there for a time. Other than, well, it IS the Undertaker. It should've been them squashing him and be done with it....
WWE had a TAG TITLE MATCH as a backdrop for the abduction of an announcer. Unbelieveable....Heidenreich's segment was more homoerotic than scary....Haas REALLY should be a heel....The contract signing segment was good, even with the SWERVE~!....Okay episode, a decent waste of 2 hours.
That Heidenreich thing was just creepy ... I was watching with my wife (it sounds weird to say "wife" ... we were married on 09/04; sorry got off an a tangent) and she had that "I can't believe you watch this stuff" look on her face ...
Maybe the bringing in of Gangrel & Viscera saves current stars from getting squashed by 'Taker ... I'm cool with that ... but if they bring back Mo and reform Men on a Mission, then we have a problem.
I'm curious to see Carlito in action ... maybe he'll be there live next week for the "season premiere" ...
Did anyone else catch what Tazz was saying about Hogan, Austin & Foley being on Smackdown next week?
-I'm really glad Smackdown finally has a stable. I hope Gangrel sticks around for a while. I actually enjoyed JBL's character tonight with his new crew. The references by Cole & Tazz to the Ministry were good instead of just avoiding it.
-Heidenreich segment was all wrong. Cole's facial expressions and Heidenreich's hip thrusts...
-Spike is "The Boss?" Better than the Dudleys doing nothing like they did on Raw.
-So...they brought Hogan & Austin back for a one-timer? I'm wondering how much Hogan asked for. Should be an interesting show though.
-Overall...actually a good show...Did I say that? In my opinion, it was one of the best of the past year or so. Looking forward to the 5th anniversary...Get your blurring goggles on for the old scratch logo footage!
I didn't read any spoilers and had no idea Gangrel and Viscera were coming back, so that was one serious "WTF" moment for me, followed by hysterical laughter...but nothing like seeing Gangrel in the promo shot for next week's match all bug-eyed. Crack me up.
I figured Show would sign both contracts, indicating a three-way match. Guess not.
Wow. I guess that poetry thing they were talking about in Spider-Man 2 really works.
If I had turned on the TV just as Heidenreich was forcing Cole against the wall from behind, I'd swear I was back in the cable industry and we'd accidentally unlocked the Spice channel again. If Spice showed gay porn.
"Oh no! It's just like being there live!" said another in the room when we suddenly didn't have any announcers for the remainder of the FBI/Suzuki-Dupree match.
Juggalo, you said you were glad that they made reference to the Ministry? Yea they only forgot one thing: JBL was in the Ministry too. It really pissed me off that they acted like JBL didn't know those guys. Had they acknowledged the fact that JBL had been in the Ministry, it would a lot more sense to the newer viewer, and added a whole new aspect to the storyline, of a sort of mutiny type thing.
Ain't Heyman the best booker ever and the savior of wrestling! His protege goes around abusing announcers..awesome! Oh wait, Stephanie must have written that, screaming at Paul that she will not give the title to RVD. Yeah..that's it.
I Tried to watch as much of Smackdown as I could, but taking a nap was winning out.
What I did see, The Kidman segment was funny just for the simple fact tha I still cant believe he gets to nail Torrie Wilson on a nightly basis. London should of just called him a bitch and said if he doesnt have the balls to hurt people...then he will.
The rest is a bit blurry and then I woke back up to see The Undertaker segment. I'm a fan of Gangrel's...but lets face the facts. He and Big Vis are just cannon fodder. Vis looked like he dropped a ton of weight though. So that could be a plus for him.
I saw Cole get kidnapped and Tazz take off and I hoped maybe just maybe we will see Tazz and Heidenrich in a right or something setting up Tazz with a comeback match or something at the ppv...but then I remembered that ain't gonna happen.
Seeing Michael Cole pinned up against that wall looked like a scene right out of OZ. HEIDENRICH was the Aryan having his way with the little jew or rich boy newbie in the prison block.
Still I did not have to see a man that size pinning another man up against the wall while he sniffed him.
Luckly Ms. Jackie's outfit got my mind off that horrible image.
The rest of the show was good. I like where they are going with The Big Show. I just hope we dont see Show heel turn 3,562 when he turns on Eddie next week.
Originally posted by Nuclear WinterIf I ever see Heidenreich gaynal rape anyone ever again, I will shove sharpened #2 pencils into my eyeballs.
The whole thing backstage with Cole was just too much.
So, can we assume that Heidenreich introduced him to "Little Johnny"?
Alessandro "Hercules" Boondy
Just so you guys know: 75% of this crap [you read on the internet] is made up, either by the writer, or the wrestler the writer is getting the dirt from. Just so you know. -- Statement by "Tammy Sytch", from Hyatte's Dec. 29th column ... Lest we forget.
Originally posted by Spaceman SpiffDuring the run in for Taker/JBL, I thought Jordan was Viscera for a second. I was all "Holy crap he lost a ton of weight! Oh, that's Jordan..."
That's EXACTLY what I thought, too.
And when Big Vis finally did show up, it did look like he'd lost some weight since he left the fed. Although not wearing that Hefty bag/tent/trenchcoat he used to sport might have made him look slimmer.
I'm still waiting for the rolling heel kick, though...
Heidenreich rhymes with "Heiny Like." So, he kidnaps Cole, forces him against the wall while he stands behind him, punctuates his sentences with odd thrusts, sniffs his ear, reads him some poetry ("That was a poem by Heidenreich." PRICELESS!!!). My only question is "Where was the bottle of wine?" Dude. That was messed up.
Originally posted by PimpstressHeidenreich rhymes with "Heiny Like." So, he kidnaps Cole, forces him against the wall while he stands behind him, punctuates his sentences with odd thrusts, sniffs his ear, reads him some poetry ("That was a poem by Heidenreich." PRICELESS!!!). My only question is "Where was the bottle of wine?" Dude. That was messed up.
The newsletter was called Hardball. I have no idea if the publication is still going on. I remember when he was here a couple years ago he was working on a new libertarian publication, but the website never got off the ground.