Sitting here, at my computer, a novelty box of Mexican Jumping Beans at my side... it's time for The Great Thomas SmackDown! Report!
Guerrero the Elder vs. Benoit Eddie comes out in yet another spiff lowrider. This is a non-title match. "BENOIT!" chant. Wrestling moves galore! Strength contest! POWERBOMB! Benoit tries to hit the SWANDIVE HEADBUTT, but Rhyno pushes him out of the way! Eddie tries to hit the Frog Splash, but Benoit dodges it, and attacks Rhyno! Then, Tajiri attacks Eddie! The whole thing devolves into a brawl outside the ring. Sgt. Slaughter grabs the mike, and declares all four men get into the ring for a tag match. Let's go to commercial break!
Guerrero the Elder/Rhyno vs. Benoit/ Tajiri: Tajiri plays the face in peril. FUEGO VERDE to Rhyno! Benoit wins via Crossface to Eddie.
Kurt Angle: Josh interviews him. He says that Brock is still his friend, and that tonight, he and Brock will sit down and discuss their problems, face-to-face.
Gowen vs. Nunzio: Matt Hardy V.1 and Boy Band Man do guest commentary. Nunzio wins via a kick to the face. Afterwards, Hardy hits the Twist of Fate on Zach... again.
Undertaker: The motherfucker walks in on Mr. McMahon and Sable necking. He tells Vince that sending A-Train after Stephanie was a dirty trick. Then Funaki drags Mr. McMahon to the back, where Brock Lesnar's been beaten up. He points at Kurt. OMG!
Cena vs. Undertaker: Thugonomics! He rips on Taker and Mike Tyson. Lets go to commercial break!
Cena vs. Undertaker (cont.): Undertaker gets right to work squashing Cena. Arm wrench galore! OLD SCHOOL! The squash continues! Remember the Mounties? Tazz does! TOP ROPE SUPERPLEX! Whoops! Taker injures himself with the move. Let's go to commercial break!
Cena vs. Undertaker (cont.): Now Cena is doing the squashing! Taker hits TEH CHOKESLAM! But A-Train attacks! RIB BREAKER! Cena pins, but Taker STILL kicks out! But Cena hits the F-U. 1.. 2.. 3, and Stan's your uncle. This one's over!
Noble vs. Doug: So Noble's a face now? Tazz shows his expertise of "theater". Noble wins via small package. Afterwards, the Bashams do a beatdown on Noble, but Billy Gunn makes the save.
Have More Money NOW: Yeah, yeah, we all know Bradshaw is stock market savvy. What's next, Val Venis writes a book on politics?
Mysterio vs. Haas: Kidman's not here, since he's on his honeymoon. Haas does a Torture Rack... who's this Atlantis fellow? Haas wins via the Haas of Pain.
Freddy vs. Jason: Look! It's "Tale of the Tape"!
WrestleMania Recall: Andre the Giant wins the Slam Match against Big John Studd.
The Main Event (prologue): THA CAGE IS COMIN' DOWN! Meanwhile, Kurt steps out of Mr. McMahon's office. Let's go to commercial break!
WWE Live: It's Angle vs. Lesnar for the title, with Mr. McMahon as the Guest Referee! And it's happening... DOWN HERE, IN FLORIDA! (cheap pop.)
The Main Event: Kurt looks like a big goon in that referee outfit. Brock tries to hit the F-5 on Mr. McMahon, but suddenly drops him... and faints. Mr. McMahon tries to pin the fallen Brock, but Angle won't count the pin. ANKLELOCK to McMahon! Brock's up, and F-5 to Angle! OMG HEEL TURN! Beatdown to Angle, Brock and McMahon celebrate and... we're out.
That's all for this week. Until then, Good Night, take care of yourselves, and don't miss next week's exciting episode of "The Mr. McMahon Show!"
FOOTAGE! of Brock/Angle/Vince from last week, with generic, dramatic, orchestral film music, also the Main Event and the cliffhanger ending.
Why is Rock still in the opening?
It's my life, my time, my rights, my rhyme, it's Ssssmackdown!, this week from scenic SOmewhere in British Columbia (although it's really in Canada)... and a Fashion Report, too.
Eddie, driving a light blue car, in red "Latino" tights with black and gold flames, wearing the US TItle, vs. Benoit, in blue "Toothless Aggression" wolverine-headed tights. Chioda officiates this non-title match. Eddie is old-school heeling at its finest (trying to call a time-out is great). Rhyno, in black "Rhyno" singlet interferes, and then Tajiri, in black pants with white, red, and yellow dragons, is out too. Then Seargent Slaughter, in black "WW" polo shirt, is out to book on-the-fly, but not before Adbreak sneaks in.
Eddie and Rhyno vs. Benoit and Tajiri, all in same as before, in media res. All-time classic sign(s): "2". Crossface to a submission. All in all, 18 minutes of good action.
IN the back, ANgle lays Josh's rumors to rest (but starts some rumors about Josh). I'm getting a Luger/Tatanka/DiBiase vibe here.
"Elimination Chamber: The place careers go to die" Hey, that's a pretty catchy by-line.
Mattitude, in black/white vertical striped shirt and Shannon, in black tshirt, join Tazz, in black suit with orange shirt and hanky and red/black checkered tie and Cole, in black shirt (top two buttons undone) on commentar.
Zach, in black shorts with red buttstripe, vs. Nunzio, in red "FBI" undies, with(out) Chuck and Johnny. Mattitude is all righteously indignant about Zach. Yeah, I guess if you hook Zach's leg he CAN'T kick-out. An average match. Post-match, Mattitude roughs-up Zach.
In the back, Undertaker is jogging, but his curosity leads him through an open door to peep on Vince and Sable. Then he verbally runs-down Vince, but Funaki drags Vince aside to view Brock laying out cold. Angle is there and Vince goes all "Oh, I see."
Cena, in old "LOs Angelos" (#8) jersey, cap and jean shorts, rapping, vs. Adbreak vs. Taker, in black "Big Evil/Pain Syndicate" Diablo tshirt, leather pants, black singlet, and black bandana, riding his bike. Henber the Younger draws duty on this match. Taker spends the first half pounding on Cena's shoulder. But the superplex injures Taker as much as it does Cena, which allows Adbreak to get in (again). We're back, and Cena is in control, turning the ribs into meal. Hebner is KO'ed and Albert, in black crested undies, takes opportunity to interfere, but NO, Taker won't go down. FU, and there's no coming back from that. A nice match.
Noble, in blue jean shorts, with Nidia, in genuine imitation mock mink coat, with FOOTAGE! from last week's "sleep-over", vs. Doug Basham, in black leather pants, with Shaniqua and Danny. Hey, I bet Noble and Nidia could convert the Bashams to the side of good if ONLY they could all have sex. I guess Noble is supposed to be the face here, but WHY? At least Tazz adds some color to this match (good, since he IS a color-commentator). Post-match, the heels beat-down the...um, heels. But Gunn, in blue "Mr. Ass" fullcuts is out (to help his fuck-buddies?).
Again, in the back, Josh asks Angle some tough questions. (I'd like to talk to Brock, but every time I get close, he winds up being unconscious.)
No thanks, but I follow the common wisdom of not trusting one's financial future with a Texan.
Rey, in white/silver mask and "619" pants with black "REY 619" license-plate tshirt pulled down around his hips, wearing the Cruiserweight Title, vs. Haas, with Benjamin, both in maroon singlets with silver trim, and wearing the Tag Team Titles. Really, has Rey defended the Cruiserweight Title in the past 30 days? Haas of Pain to a submission. Solid in-ring, but it just didn't seem special, still a nice match.
Strobe-light, cage lowering, seizure! FOOTAGE! from earlier tonight. Brocky is walking. Angle exits Mr. McMahon's door. Suspense!
Angle, in a sleeveless tight blue ref-shirt, with gold medals and the WWE Title over his soulder, is the special referee. Vince, in black muscle shirt and black jeans, vs. Lesnar, in black undies with white butt-skull. Brocky quickly faints. While Angle is calling for help, a miraclous recovery (oh, it was a ruse) and Brocky F5's Angle. Share an evil laugh with the heels as the beat-down commences. But why did Vince align himself with Brock? I mean, Vince and Angle have always been so close. Too bad it was almost telegraphed-out.
Overall: A good show, but the last half-hour was kinda flat. And the Main Event left me with so many questions of "why?". But That means I'll have to watch next week to learn the answer.
Fashion Reporter Extraordinare
Eric tries kicking a sheild held by Time Keeper Dan, but Time Keeper Dan is +3 with Sheilds and the Sheild carries a 2 Armor Rating with +4 v. Crappy Kicks, so it doesn’t go well. Anybody who has played the WWE Backstage RPG would know better. Just ask Scott Stiener. -Excalibur05's Raw Satire for 8-4-03
Something just doesn't sit right with every single heel going over except Benoit.....oh yeah, and I guess Noble....if he's actually a face now.....even though he's done nothing to make him a face.....but then neither has Eddie and he's the biggest face on the roster.....but he's a heel.....head hurts.....
Other than that, good show. Brock stole Big Show's "I'm gonna eat you" expression, which was oddly disturbing
(edited by Evil Antler God on 7.8.03 1917) Anybody can kick people's asses. But it takes a true monster to kick people's asses AND breastfeed at the same time - Excalibur05
Hey, Cena is improving. Last time, it took 3 people interfering on his behalf to beat 'Taker. This week it only took one. Granted the one is bigger than the other 3 combined, but still...
And is Jamie Noble the first man to ever turn face purely by participating in group sex? I can understand it, actually. People cheer Eddie Guerrero because they wish they could get away with lying, cheating and stealing the way he does. Why wouldn't people cheer Jamie Noble for having an orgy that included a Playboy covergirl?
Once again, I forgot Smackdown was on and missed the entire first half of the show. Looks like the only thing I regret not seeing is Matt Hardy.
The main event was a SHOCKING swerve...because they didn't find a way to stick Big Show in it.
The impromptu opening tag match almost felt kinda gratuitous, but I guess was the show's highlight for me. How many in the crowd and watching at home were thinking to themselves, "What the fuck is Sargent Slaughter doing making matches?"
Since I thought it too, I'll repeat Screaming Head Guy's question...Why is Rock still in the opening?
Unintended Brilliance in Production Moment of the Night...One second into the promo for Bradshaw's book, the Boston affiliate cuts in for an Amber Alert.
Did you notice that Cena's Lakers jersey was Kobe Bryant?
So Cena pinned Taker. Hope you're happy. Now Taker's going to feud with Albert. No I'm NOT happy.
Originally posted by Mr Heel IISince I thought it too, I'll repeat Screaming Head Guy's question...Why is Rock still in the opening?
IIRC, Rocky was given carté-blanche by Vince McMahon to be on whatever show he wanted, and he simply chose to be on Raw the whole time - he was never traded away from Smackdown and I guess is still under contract to them, so he remains in the opening.
Yo, it's me, it's me, it's (points to self) P-A-B!
I liked tonite's Smackdown but I take issue with the Brock heel turn. Brock is just right as an arse-kicking face. And Angle, the person who he's feuding with, is not a very good face in my opinion.
And I probably should have added this to the Zach Gowan post from a while ago, but I truly think Gowan is going to add some trouble to backstage politics and his colleauges' careers. Guido, er Nunzio I mean, needed interference tonite beat a one-legged wrestler. Pathetic. This can only hurt the careers of wrestlers with all limbs.
I'm being 100% honest. My heart goes out to all people with afflictions, including Zach. I admire his fight with cancer and the fact he has survived. What is even more uplifting is that he still reached his goal, showing off his talent in the WWE. But I can't take him seriously. And I can't take anyone seriously who is close to losing to him. Guido, who's been around for a while in the wrestling industry and is about 210 lbs. nearly loses to a kid who has wrestled for about 2 years and is a soaking wet 155 pounds. Please...the longer Zach is booked seriously, the more I think the boys will be protective of their positions within WWE and see him as a threat.
"I am a real American, Fight for the rights of every man, I am a real American, fight for what's right, fight for your life!"
I think it's hard to complain about a show where the first half hour consists entirely of Benoit, Guerrero, Rhyno, and Tajiri. Good stuff.
For the first time, I thought Zach Gowen looked sharp, and looked like he belonged. He may be able to work a decent match with Matt afterall.
Cena/Taker was good, not great. I think Cena looked good enough, unlike some (of course, I sometimes think that anything less than Taker getting squashed will disappoint some). I could have lived without seeing A-Train getting involved, but more for what it is going to lead to than anything else. Cena gets some rub from this, just not put way over like some expect.
And the beatdown that Brock gave Angle was impressive, too. Does he keep Vince as a manager? Ah, short-term that's probably OK, Brock needs a manager, and I guess it wouldn't have made much sense to stick Heyman back with him, after all they've been through.
The other two matches were there, not great but not offensive either. And once again, the backstage stuff was pretty limited. Add it all together and you get an enjoyable show. Thumbs up.
Everything that is wrong in this world can be blamed on Freddie Prinze Jr.
Cena / Undertaker was great for a TV match. I would have been disappointed if it were on PPV but for free, it's all good baby. I'm sure some will vehomontly disagree with me (and that's fine) but I started to get Sting / Flair flashbacks during the match. And I hadn't even started drinking yet.
The way I look at it, Taker was trying hard to kick the kid's ass and the kid still hung on. Cena hasn't proven that he can beat the Undertaker but he proved he can hang. Given the gigantic size and experience advantages Taker has, I think it speaks volumes (kayfabe-wise) that Cena wasn't utterly demolished and that Taker had to try. (And again, people can disagree with me and that's fine.)
I'd like to see the angle stretch out for a long, long time, a la Jericho / Michaels.
Eddie / Benoit / Rhyno / Tajiri was chock full of smarky goodness. Are they the US Title division? With all of them busting ass like they did, that's a great thing.
And I love Zach Gowan. If he bulks up he can be a long term star. I wonder how involved Paterson was in crafting that match.
I loved how quickly Brock got Angle up in the F5 position. It flowed very nicely and didn't look phony.
My problem is that the WWE is just now releasing the first Brock Lesnar DVD/video. At best, this is poor timing and shows a lack of long-term planning, and at worst this could affect sales of the video (at least among the more uninformed marks).
Other than this, I enjoyed Smackdown. I did wonder why Rey lost rather quickly to Haas. The WWE isn't really going to give Kidman and Mysterio the tag belts next week, are they? Perhaps Rey is getting punished by proxy because of Ultimo's matches?
And I can't believe that Noble is now a face because of a night of "swinging." I guess I can look forward to a Nidia/Torrie vs. Dawn Marie/Sable Summerslam match. Noble's association with Billy just makes me hate him more.
Molly, Stacy and Daffney all in WWE? I suddenly lost all my will to complain about anything regarding the WWE. Hope I don't lose my street cred for this.
TS, the greatest Wiener rated 6.1554 ever to live!! Oops, I mean 5.5...4.5?? Oh, dammit! I guess Notorious FAB was right.
Originally posted by Mr Heel IIUnintended Brilliance in Production Moment of the Night...One second into the promo for Bradshaw's book, the Boston affiliate cuts in for an Amber Alert.
That was the highlight of the show for me.
Cena/UnderTaker was just so disappointing and frustrating to watch. Taker already made Cena look like his bitch at the ppv and got the win that in comparision was more important. Why not throw the kid a bone and actually put him over in a meaningful fashion (i.e. no ref bump, no A-Train run-in)? As soon as Taker kicked out from the A-train run-in I switched the channel.
I'll correct myself, Brock turning heel was highlight of the show for me. Sure, the whole "corporate heel" shtick has been done to death, but I absolutely hated the goofy face Brock.
Points decucted for not saying YOU, FATBASTARD! YOU, FATBASTARD! Actually it had been genuinely bothering me why that sounded familiar and couldn't put my finger on it until it finally dawned in my head where I'd heard it: