Thomasmania runs wild! It's time for The Great Thomas SmackDown! Report!
Stephie: She says that Kurt may be out two months, but Brock will return next week. She introduces a three-week #1 Contender tournament, which starts NOW!
Quarterfinal: Undertaker vs. Mysterio:SQUAAAASH MAAAATCH! Afterwards, Taker shakes Mysterio's hand.
Kendrick vs. Noble Hardy V.1 and Boyband Man do Guest Commentary. So am I now a "Moore-on"? Kendrick wins via Sliced Bread #2. Afterwards, Matt challenges Brock next week. Can you say "burial"?
F.B.I. They rob a truck driver blind. Lookit all them TV's!
WrestleMania: We see how Lesnar got a concussion from his botched Shooting Star Press.
Malibu's Most Wanted: I alredy know this movie will suck before I've even seen it. Not that I'm going to, anyhow.
Piper's Pit: It returns next week! HOORAY! Tazz is happy, and so am I! Can you tell I'm a Piper mark?
Quarterfinal: Benoit vs. A-Train: Crossfaces galore! A-Train hits a sweet-looking move on Benoit. What WAS that, anyway? FLYING HEADBUTT by Benoit! Benoit wins via Crossface.
Mr. McMahon: He says he will do something with Hogan that he should have done a long time ago. Stephie tells him to be careful he doesn't do something he will regret.
Sean o'Haire: He says that laws are merely a suggestion, so why obey them?
Cena vs. Guerrero the Elder: Cena's on Raw Magazine! Cena wins via Death Valley Driver. It's Cena vs. Undertaker next week!
Hogan: He comes to the arena with his son and Jimmy Hart.
WrestleMania: Wow. Fred Durst was HORRIBLE, wasn't he?
Torrie's Playboy Coming-Out Party: Just before Torrie "comes out" of her top, SABLE makes her big return! She says she and Torrie will be the best of friends, then KISSES Torrie! Damn. I SO TOTALLY wanted to see the Sablebomb!
House of 1000 Corpses: Huh? Rob Zombie's a DIRECTOR?!
Team Angle: They come to the ring... let's go to commercial break!
Team Angle vs. Tajiri/Funaki: Boy, that Haas has a great set of lungs, eh? Haas wins via the Haas of Pain.
F.B.I.: They go to have a "sit down talk" with the Undertaker.
Heat: F.B.I., Big Show, and A-Train take out Nathan Jones.
Undertaker: The F.B.I. say they have a problem with Taker. Nathan Jones appears, and the Italians back off.
Dynasty Warriors 4: I encourage everyone to read "Romance of the Three Kingdoms." It's a great read.
Quarterfinals: Big Show vs. Rhyno: GORE! GORE! GORE to the Big Show! Rhyno wins via DQ from interference by A-Train. Afterwards, Big Show does a legdrop on Rhyno's injured neck.
America at War: We're only miles away from Baghdad! How many miles away? Ask Geraldo.
Mr. McMahon: He comes to accept defeat, and he wants to call out Hogan to apologise. Hogan comes out, and McMahon wants to bury the hatchet. Hogan and Vince shake hands. Afterwards, McMahon says he put Hogan on the shelf, and that Hulkamania will die a slow agonizing death. Hogan chases Vince off to the parking lot, but the cops escort Hogan to his limo. And... we're out.
That's all for this week. Until then, Good Night, take care of yourselves, and we'll see how the Tournament Semifinals turn out next week!
Rock and Mark Henry are STILL in the opening. And now Nathan Jones is in it, too.
...and a Fashion Report.
Steph, in padded-shoulder black blazer and black leather miniskirt (fashion crime there), with wavy hair worn long, books us a bunch of matches.
Taker, in black "Big Evil" tshrit, leather pants and bandana, vs. Rey, in blue/white/red mask and blue "619" trunks. Nice match - it just looked viciously awesome.
Matt and Shannon are out for commentary. Kendrick, in black/green full-cuts and boots, vs. Noble (and his crappy music), in black cutoff jeans, with Nidia. "Moore-ons" follow Shannon Moore - ha ha! Okay match. Hardy cuts a promo (recontinuing the Hardy/Brock feud).
Platinum! PLatinum! Platinum! Okay, we know already.
The FBI keeps the streets clean.
Tazz, in black suit and maroon shirt, with orange tie and hanky, and Cole, in white shirt, show us FOOTAGE! of the Shooting Star Press. And they do a good job of explaining the severity of Brock's situation.
Man, I LOVE those "WWE Unlimited" figures commercials.
Benoit, in black "Toothless Aggression" tshirt and blue truns, vs. Albert, in black undies. Nice match. For all his size, Albert's elbows look weak.
Sean speeds! He's the Lord of Insufficient Light!
Cena, in a "Bullets" jersey and black shorts, with chain and lock, vs. Eddie, in red trunks. Okay match - the crowd seemed quiet at times.
Torrie, in green top, tights, and leg wraps (with clear straps to hold them up this week) shills her nude body. She's obviously trying to forget her dear departed father. Now SABLE, in black backless bodysuit with silver belt, and highheels comes on down. SHe looks kinda "Ewww". Oh, a "coming out" celebration. See, now Torrie's lesbian incestous experiences are coming back to haunt her. My prediction: Torrie wins.
Team Angle, in red warmups, wearing the Tag Team Titles, vs. Tajire, in black trunks with white dragons, and Funaki, in blue "Smackdown!" fullcuts. Okay match - but Funaki and Tajiri were totally outclassed.
Cena raps out his evil plan (again). Taker and the FBI start something. G'day.
BigShow, in one-strap black singlet, vs. Rhyno, in black "Rhyno" singlet. NO contest. Is BigShow's hair thinning?
Vince, in sport coat and white shirt, and Hogan, in feathers and all that getout, chat. Le sigh. "I never lose."
Overall: Good matches throughout the night. The Vince/Hogan thing ran a little long, I think. The Sable bit only serves to continue the "Torrie is so cool" storyline. Nice to see Team Angle getting booed, even though Kurt and Heyman are nowhere to be seen. I liked it.
Fashion Reporter Extraordinare
Do you know where your Chainmail, +1 vs. Cruiserweights is?