"Matt Hardy has 44 action figures." Bah. That's nothing. I HAVE 64! It's time for The Great Thomas SmackDown! Report!
LAST WEEK: Kurt Angle died.
Cole et Tazz: Oh, no, wait. He's just horribly mangled. He won't be here this week. Tazz makes drama.
RVD vs. Booker T: RVD attacks early. SLINGSHOT LEGDROP by RVD! RVD squashes Booker. Damn, what's up with Booker's hair this week? BACK SUPLEX by Van Dam, which Booker sells BEAUTIFULLY. Legdrops galore! ROLLING THUNDER! PYRO distracts RVD, which Booker uses to roll up RVD for the win! OMG IT'S PAUL HEYMAN! He's here as Kurt's one-night-only replacement. He walks down the ring and... let's go to commercial break!
RVD et Heyman: Heyman says ever since RVD left ECW, RVD's been disgracing it's vision on WWE. Now the Dudleys are out. Bubba says that whatever wants to say, he'll say to tell it to their faces. Heyman tells the Dudleys that they're now caricatures of their former ECW selves, and now they're Vince McMahon's domesticated pets. The Dudleys attack RVD! OMG HEEL TURN! Beatdown on RVD! LOW BLOW by D-Von! Heyman says "It's a start", and walks off.
Ass Worm vs. Haas/????: Haas's mystery tag partner is... RICO! Haas is perturbed. Rico humps Rikishi's ass! Now he smacks it! Rikishi is freaked out! Tag to Scotty. Tango with Scotty! More faggotry! Tag to Haas. DOUBLE NOGGIN-KNOCKER by Scotty! "RICO" chant! Rikishi goes for a Stinkface on Haas, but Rico replaces him, and puts on lipstick! Rikishi just shrugs and gives Rico the STINKFACE! Rico likes it! Rico fils the WORM with a FRENCH KISS! Haas does a rollup on Scotty! 1... 2... 3! NEW CHAMPS! Haas is happy until he remembers his partner and co-title holder is Rico. Rico is so happy he makes out with Haas!
Last Week: Big Show promises he'll quit if he loses. He loses anyway. "Why are you laughing? Why?! Why are you laughing?!" He's thinks Torrie's laughing at him, so he smashes her car and overturns it. Then he tries to chokeslam her off the ledge. But he chokeslams Kurt instead. Fin.
Backstage: John "Bradshaw" Layfield thanks Heyman for helping him find himself. Heyman says that "El Grand Luchadore" punked out JBL at the airport, so it'll be JBL vs. El Gran Luchadore... NEXT! Also, it'll be Eddie Guerrero vs. "The Dudley"... TONIGHT!
JBL vs. El Gran Luchadore: THE RING'S ON FIRE! El Gran Luchadore says that Bradshaw insulted Mexico, so he's gonna defend Mexico's honor. "MEXICO!" chant. JBL squashes El Gran Luchadore. VERTICAL SUPLEX by JBL! HEADSCISSORS by Luchadore! MOONSAULT! LAST CALL by JBL! HUGE POWERBOMB! JBL wins via CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL!
WrestleMania XX: Limited edition 3-disc DVD set!
Café de René: Nice set! René demands a moment of silence of Kurt. The accordion player does a solo. René introduces Torrie Wilson. Hey, Fifi is white again! René offers Torrie some wine. René asks about why she was laughing at Big Show. He says that it's Torrie's fault that Kurt was injured. She relies on men for everything! And Fifi's not the only b*tch in this ring! Torrie douses René with wine, René returns the favor, but before he can get really physical, John Cena runs in to make the save! Cena tosses René out of the ring, and trashes the set before throwing the mini-Eiffel Tower at René. René is visibly pissed.
Cena vs. Los Chavos: HIPTOSS by Cena. Cena tosses DEEZ NUTZ at Junior. Weak punches by Cena. Whenever Senior tags in, he gets in a few shots before Cena punches him, after which Senior tags Junior back in. SPINEBUSTER by Cena! F-U is foiled by Senior who takes one for his son. René attacks Cena outside the ring! This allows Junior to hit the BRAINBUSTER for the win! Cole keeps calling René "classless".
Backstage: Heyman promises Torrie that René will be punished. Because next week, it will be René Dupreé vs. Torrie Wilson. Torrie is visibly scared. Serves you right for getting Kurt mangled, you bitch!
Mordecai: He says that he sees a lot of sinners out there. You're not a sinner, are you?
Booker T: He says he's the biggest star on SmackDown! He says that he's a MEGA-STAR on SmackDown! He's the most famous man on SmackDown! BONG. The ring begins smoking. Booker flees the ring and into the crowd.
RAW Rewind: Tyson Tomko attacks! Michaels gets a title shot. Triple H is sad. Regal gets shot in the nootz. Matt Hardy gets sacrificed. Benoit and Edge win the Tag Titles.
Backstage: Josh interviews the new tag champs. Rico says this is gonna be one FABULOUS relationship! Haas is flustered.
"The Dudley" vs. Guerrero: Heyman accompanies the Dudleys to the ring. Hey, you can buy Eddie's fuzzy dice on ShopZone! Let's go to commercial break!
UPN May: What?! They cancelled "Game Over" ALREADY?! Shit.
"The Dudley" vs. Guerrero (cont.): "The Dudley" in question is D-Von. D-Von tosses Eddie outside the ring, where Bubba CLOTHESLINES him! DELAYED VERTICAL SUPLEX by D-Von! Cole asks Tazz to tell him about the olden days of ECW. D-Von gets tossed into the steel steps! The ref calls a double-countout. But Heyman restarts the match. Cole calls this an "atrocity". D-Von gives Eddie a GORILLA PRESS on the barricade! Let's go to commercial break!
"The Dudley" vs. Guerrero (cont.): Eddie counters a Sleeper Hold into a BACK SUPLEX! TOP-ROPE HEADSCISSORS by Eddie! TOP-ROPE NECKBREAKER by D-Von! Another NECKBREAKER! Sleeper Hold. TWISTING LARIAT by D-Von! Another Sleeper. Ewww, closeup of D-Von's sweaty face! TOP-ROPE ELBOWDROP misses! SUPERPLEX by D-Von! FLYING HEADBUTT misses! Eddie HULKS UP! He's a HOUSE O' FIRE! THREE VERTICAL SUPLEXES! D-Von pins Eddie with help from Bubba. Afterwards, JBL attacks! POWERBOMB! CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL! And... we're out.
That's all for this week. Until then, Good Night, take care of yourselves, and please, don't buy that Spicy Tendercrisp Chicken Sammich, we've gotta shut that "I'M SPICY!" fool up one way or another!
RVD/Booker wasn't bad for a 5 minute match, except if you've seen one of their matches, you've seen them all....Boy, for as much as WWE doesn't wanna use the WCW name, they sure drop the ECW name ALL THE TIME....I'm sorry, but I was entertained during the tag match. Rico is hilarious....My guess as who the luchador is is Paul London. I think the hair gave it away, actually. What a brutal clothesline, though....I was tired of the Dupree segment before he even introuduced Torrie....
Cena v.s Los Chavos was good, and Chavo Sr. doing the "u can't see me" bit was funny....Still impressed by the Mordecai vignettes, but let's see if WWE actually has something for him to do when he debuts....D-Von v.s Eddy was okay, but I was tempted to switch to CSI and Kingdom Hospital during the match, which isn't a good sign. Is it a rule that the challenger has to win every non-title match?
Wow, Rico was rejuvinated tonight. Never seen him this entertaining. I think he was over with the crowd, too. They were chanting for him. Haas' facials tonight were spectacular.
I like Rene, but I think the debut of his new Cafe bit went on a bit long. The accordion player is a nice touch, though. Tonight's Fifi seemed more comfortable with the crowd.
Not sure the Dudley heel turn is enough to make me care about them again, but I'll give it time. Heyman was right... it was a nice start, but it still wasn't extreme... like Kane's sacrifice on RAW this week, it left something to be desired.
So, Mordecai is a long lost Knight Templar. But can he dance?
The Undertaker doesn't even have to be there to be over.
Booker's promo tonight was the lamest I've seen since...I can't remember.
(edited by Stilton on 22.4.04 2219) So sayeth Randy Stilton, the real Stinky Cheese Man!
(I'm told that, in the UK, my name is actually hilarious.)
I also thought the Haas/Rico tag team match was hilarious and a really fun match to watch. I thought it was the best match of the night and reminded me of those hysterical Leni & Lodi tag matches from the old WCW days.
Now I know alot of Haas fans will not like him at all in this comedy role with Rico......but I would rather see him on Smackdown in this gimmick with the tag belt than being stuck wasting away on Velocity.
"This just got a hell of a lot better." - Stifler, American Pie
"don't buy that Spicy Tendercrisp Chicken Sammich, we've gotta shut that "I'M SPICY!" fool up one way or another!"
For lunch today I went to the BK drive-thru, and ordered the Tendercrisp Chicken Sammich WITHOUT SAUCE. Normally, at lunchtime the local BK has a really hot college girl working the window, so I was prepared. Sad to say I was disappointed as she was not there today, it wasn't the same when I told the zit-faced fry guy "I'm SPICY ENOUGH!"
I actually went to High School with the guy who's now manager of that BK - he always tries to get hot chicks to work the window as he knows sad sacks like me won't mind waiting outside an extra 10-15 minutes for a glimpse. Last summer, she was permitted to wear a tube-top and a BK hat/visor at the window...She's often been told to keep the change...
-RVD vs. Booker- I checked the time of the match and it clocked under 5-minutes, seemed alot longer... Canada can't get their pyro to work. First Kane's didn't go during the PPV now it goes off "unsusceptible", but good timing to distract RVD as Booker gets the cheap rollup win.
-Heyman/RVD/Dudleyz interview- Heyman passes the ECW Kool-Aid around the Dudleyz drink it while RVD doesn't... Wouldn't it make sense for the Dudleyz to be losing streak before jumping ship, or maybe they have, I'm haven't been paying too much attention.
-Haas/Rico vs. Scotty2Hottie/Rikishi- Rico is hit & miss with me and it goes so much into my mood on the day, last week I found it lame, this week it was the highlight of the show. Him begging for the stinkface was just bizarre funny, all his antics was funny and Haas reaction that he figures now he has to team with him was amusing. Glad they won the title, certainly better then Scotty & Rikishi... Did Gayda just get a whole lot hotter going to Smackdown? I'm trying to make sense of it. I think it's because Raw for me has so many beautiful women that I like it was hard for her to break in the top 5 but SD doesn't really have that much in the female department so she catches my eye alot more. I like the lip gloss spot.
-Layfield vs. El Grand Luchadore- Dig the Superstars of wrestling interview by El Grand. I thought when Layfield kept holding El Grand up, it would end up in biting him back but it didn't.
-Cafe de Rene-That Eiffel Tower looks like a 3D puzzle I used to have. Dupree looks sleazy. Marks out for the sign that reads "I drove 5 hours just to see Fifi". Tazz steals my Fifi charcoaled last week line. Oh no Torrie's the guest, if the accordion doesn't put you to sleep, Torrie certainly will. Dupree asks the tough questions like why did she laugh at BigShow, Torrie W Bush tries to avoid that question and wants to only talk about the Diva Magazine... O.K TORRIE, I have a question! Why is it that just a few days after "Fan voting" period there were magazines advertising the Diva Mag with you on the cover & reports of magazines shipped in stores stocks already Huh, HUH. Answer that Torrie! & what makes you think you are deserving to represent the divas as a whole when you can't even do anything decent on SD where you're the only woman on the show. Answer THAT Torrie! Oh sorry about that
-The Chavo's vs. Cena- Chavo SR is the SD GOD! Cena gets in his face as SR counters with the "U Can't SEE Me" motion to make himself vanish, but it didn't work because when your as important and awesome as Chavo Sr. it's a sin to disappear. No one can compare to Sr. coolness, no one! Let Chavo Sr. feud with Eddie for the WWE TITLE PLEASE!... Nice dropkick by Jr but a real poor looking ghost/brain buster by Chavo Jr. Koko B. Ware you are not! Cena is getting so boring, he seems to be just going through the motions already. I wouldn't mind Cena and Torrie to hook up and allow her heat sinking abilities on him.
-Booker/Taker interview- Booker says he was a big star on Raw, but will be the biggest star on SD... Undertaker bells and blue light shines on T(hee). Booker T runs away.
-D'von vs. Eddie- I don't want to see D'von in a singles match ever again. Gawd was this guys offense boring as hell... If that was a test for the PPV to see if Eddie can carry anyone to a 15-minute match, well Eddie failed in that test.
-OtherStuff- Heyman makes Torrie vs. Dupree next week, You KNOW TorrieBerg is going to win, I'd put the mortgage on it... Mordecai sounds exactly like Raven... Gawd Rico is creepy backstage with Haas, but in a fun creepy kinda way...
-Line of the Night: COLE "A Dudley! That means Eddie won't know what Dudley he's going to face!".. TAZZ "You're a genius Cole" -Sign of the Night: "I drove 5 hours just to see Fifi" -3Stars of the Night- 1)Rico. 2)Chavo Sr. 3)Chavo Jr.
When Chavo Sr. is showing more personality then anyone on the show not named Rico, that can be a minor problem. Heyman as evil GM certainly is a better fit then Angle. This show just doesn't seem to have the right combo. I think a big problem is what they are pushing as a main event, I like the Layfield character but it's not established or good enough to be an interesting main eventer... There is just a cloud over the show of "none of this is really that important". On paper, Cena/Dupree should be interesting but it's not clicking with me. I think it's mostly on Cena part, his act in ring and out is too repetitive. RVD & Booker you think changing a show will give them a swift kick in the pants, but it just seems like same guys, different day.
Whilst the principal of a heel turn is a great idea, repairing him with Evolution would simply be far too much character assassination for the guy to recover from. A move to SmackDown, post-Mania, coupled with the turn would be the best way to go.