Ho boy. I have NOT had a good day today. Oh, well. It's time for The Great Thomas SmackDown! Report!
Edge vs. Haas: Wow. Another crate. Angle lounges on an armchair. Haas wins via rollup.
Nathan Jones: He is the EXCLUSIVE PROPERTY of SmackDown! Cole and Tazz are bursting with pride.
Angle: OMG STEPHIE GOT HER HAIR DYED! Happy Valentines' Day! However, Brock wants to take Angle on a Valentines' date to ringside! No, wait...
Nunzio vs. Rikishi: AMBUSH BY THE MOB! They finally found a use for Palumbo and Stamboli! Nunzio gives Rikishi the "Corleone Kiss of Death," then slaps him. Rikishi's been MARKED BY DA MOB!
Stacker 2: Kinda fitting they put this "Don Tony" commercial right after the Rikishi mob attack. Ha! Ha! Ha!
Mysterio vs. Hardy V.1: You should see Tazz imitate Hogan. Hardy lost weight! He must be eating Subway. Tazz shills Stacker 2. Mysterio wins via West Coast Pop. Poor Hardy's dehydrated, but he's gonna challenge Kidman at No Way Out. Boy Band Man won't let Hardy drink the water. He'd just retain it.
Kendrick: He gets the crap beaten out of him by E. Rection. Sean O'Haire thinks Kendrick's had enough. So is leaving Spanky alone a sin now?
Benoit vs. A-Train: Watch Benoit get his win back! ARGENTINE BACKBREAKER! GERMAN SUPLEXES to A-Train! Benoit wins via Crossface. Told ya so!
Torrie Wilson: She's invited to Girls Gone Wild. And she accepts! Well, her dad just died, so she'll get real drunk and flash people! PFFFFFT! Rest in Peace, Al.
Heyman: He wants to give Undertaker ANOTHER forgiveness gift. What is it? BOY GEORGE, THAT'S WHAT! Oh, no, wait, it's Kanyon. Boy George Kanyon gets his ass kicked, then gets tons of vicious chairshots. Welcome back Kanyon! Undertaker and the WWE love you!
Hardy V.1 He's still trying to lose two pounds. Boy Band Man coaches him on.
Funaki: He speaks John Cena's language. Word rice.
Guerrero vs. Benjamin: Benjamin sends Haas to the back, and walks to the ring... let's go to commercial break!
Guerrero vs. Benjamin (cont.): Benjamin wins via Dragon Whip.
Old School: Nowinski doesn't want you to see this movie. Okerlund just wants to drink beer and see the fat guy.
Rock vs. Hogan II: One of the best promos. I've seen in a long time.
Hugh Hefner: He announces that a Diva will soon be on Playboy. WE know who it is.
Torrie Vs. Dawn Marie: Torrie wins. Torrie always wins. Dawn Marie, Torrie, and Nidia in panties. Excuse me, I must retire to the shower...
On Deadly Ground: With Steven Seagal and Billy Bob Thorton!
The Main Event: Lesnar no-sells the steel chain! Lesnar no-sells the chokehold! Lesnar wins via F-5. But he's still pissy that Angle no-showed at ringside, so Brock breaks Cena's fucking leg. Here comes happy fun Kurt Angle! Let's go to commercial break!
Lesnar et Angle: We're gonna get Angle vs. Lesnar... but not tonight. Ha! Ha! Ha! Oh, what a swerve! Well, we still get the match next week! Beatdown to Angle. Team Angle saves Kurt, at the cost of themselves. Kurt flees the scene, and... we're out.
That's all for this week. Until then, Good Night, take care of yourselves and you'll be happy to know that I've FINALLY BEATEN FINAL FANTASY X!!! That is all.
Edge, in blue "Edge" trenchcoat and tights, vs. Haas, in red "Team Angle" warmup gear/blue singlet, with Paul, in NY hat, suit, and caressing a Tag Title. Nice match. Oh, Charlie has "Russ" written on his taped wrists.
Did Steph get highlights in her hair? Anyways, it's straight this week, and she's wearing black. Angle restarts his ages-old romance with her (and her boobs). Brocky shows up and invites Angle to "experience (him)". OOh, a threesome.
Ass, in black manskirt with dragonstar, vs. Nunzio, aleady in the ring, in red undies and black deadcow jacket. Wait - Jonny (the Bull Stamboli) and Chucky (Pulambo) with the beatdown. Chucky's Italian? Um, no match.
Tazz, in grey suit, blue shirt, oragne tie and hanky, and Cole, in black shirt (top two buttons undone) and a white tshirt, are the Greek Chorus.
Rey, in red/black/white mask and pants (hey, didn't he wear this before?), vs. Matt, in "V1" shirt, funny pants, and a "rubber suit", with Shannon, also in "V1" shirt and funny pants. Congrats, Matt, on losing the weight. Okay match (they seemed off, but the storytelling elements were good).
Ben-wa is cuttin' glass while he does pushups. Kendrick gets a video package, replete with zany sound effects. Satan and Hugh give advice to little Kendrick, and a beating (which we already knew).
Ben-wa, in black "Toothless Aggression" tshirt and blue "Toothless Aggression" tights, vs. Albert, in black undies and hair (always from Mass. - like they can't actually say the full name of the state). Um, weird match as it was a clash of styles. But the real question: Does Albert still have "VV" tattooed on his butt?
Ooo, Torrie does porn. She's, obviously, still distraught over the passing of her dear father. Poor confused little girl thinks showing her tits and performing hot lesbian sex will help her cope. Well, maybe it just might.
Paul, and box, are in the ring. That is such a shit eatin' grin on Paul's face when Taker's music hits. So, Taker, in a red "Big Evil" shirt and DAMN STOCKINGCAP, bikes on down. Hey, it's Mortis (sans the Mortis outfit - wasn't that a great gimmick?). Thanks for coming back, Kanyon - now back to the injured list for you.
Shannon is really getting into this sadist role (it's just payback for all Matt's harsh treatment, I guess). Funaki and Whitey discuss a diabolical plan, but it's (again) in code so none of us can understand it.
Eddie, in green "Latino" tights, with red/white polygons, vs. Shelton, in red warmup/red and blue "Team Angle" singlet, with...nobody. After the commercial break (my anciend arch-nemesis), we have a good match.
Hugh Heffner, in shades and red "smoking jacket" talks.
Pornstar, in pink/black (not for long, though), vs. Dawn Marie-Wilson, in black sparklies (also not for long, heh heh). I'm a loser and turn to the History Channel (at least I admit it). But I imagine it went down like this: after rolling around for a bit, they get down to their undies, then Al comes out and we get some hot incestual necrophilia action. Or not.
Brocky, in black undies, vs. Whitey, in WHITE tshirt, black shorts, lock and chain, and DAMN STOCKINGCAP. Brocky mad! Nice match.
Then, Brocky and Kurt, in BLUE "Team Angle" warmup, wearing the belt and medals, talk thing over like grown men (violent grown men, at that).
Overall: This week's Raw really made me appreciate Tazz and Cole even more. The action was crisp and clean, except for two instances in the Rey/Matt match. The Rock/Hogan bit was missable (unless you haven't been paying attention for the past year) and PornStar/Dawn was TOTALLY missable (but that's just me, maybe). Good show.
Fashion Reporter Extraordinare
Do you know where your Chainmail, +1 vs. Cruiserweights is?
So why do they think that people who like to watch men roll around a mat in their panties would want to watch GIRLS GONE WILD! anyway?
Welcome back Kanyon!
Chris Nowinski is Bobby Heenan! I think they were trying to promote something that sucks, but who cares.
Aside from heaping praise all over the building of the Big Show/Undertaker and Angle/Lesnar feuds, and the progression of Mattitude, I have little else to say but Smackdown rules. I even actually liked the A-Train/Benoit match.
this post brought to you by the wholesome goodness of deep fried clam strips
Tonight's show had some great comedy... my favorite was Cena's line in his rap about Lesnar having a tatoo of his mom on his back. I am still laughing just thinking about that one. Also, i loved it when Cena had Lesnar down and was hitting himself in a thug-style celebration and tazz goes "Cena, dont hit yourself, hit lesnar!" lol
A few random thoughts: Luckily the Hogan/Catchphrase segment was on around the end of overtime in the Wake Forest/Duke game, so I was able to channel surf to that. I'll give Albert credit. He seemed motivated on SD, and if he can stay motivated, I have no problem with him being on my TV. Funny though how everyone seems to be motivated when they face Angle and Benoit. I guess the excuse 'It wasn't my fault' doesn't work when facing those two. The marks seem to be slowly jumping on the Benoit bandwagon. Anyone else expecting Angle/Lesnar next week to be Eric Angle/Lesnar? Even outnumbered two on one, Torrie makes everyone else look bad. Maybe she should valet for Your Next if he returns. Did we take the time machine back to the summer of 2001 so Kanyon could be Taker's bitch again? As always though, the show seems to be missing that little something special when Angle doesn't have a match.
Breaking News: In a preemptive military strike, the French Government has announced it has surrendered 2/3 of France, and will move back to Vichy.
Like I already said, it was an okay Smackdown, but not as good as last week. It still had it's usual good stuff, but you do start to look past the Smackdown Six to find other good things about it. I did that last week and it worked, but this week, well, it was just a little off to me.
Proper planning prevents piss poor performance" William Regal
I really dig the mattitude gimmick. But why is he getting a Cruiserweight title shot when he is losing almost all of his matches? The angle is funny with Matt losing weight to be a cruiserweight, but I enjoyed it more when it was Disco inferno. Oddly enough the cruiserweight champion at the time of that angle back in 1998 was Billy Kidman, strange coincidence huh?
I think the deal is that Matt really wants a singles title, but WWE flushed all those. C'mon morons, just give each show a second tier title already. It's like my old teacher used to say, "quizzes don't hurt you, they can only help you." Give each show a quiz!
Not too happy about nathan jones going to smackdown, as he seems more of a RAW type persona.
There really is something about Stephanie's acting that just rubs me the wrong way. The way she keeps slapping her knuckles to the palm of her hand to emphasize points, or the awkwardness of the way she reveals matches like she did early on last thursday with Kurt and Brock. Professionally, one could call her...stiff? Well she used to be an aspiring model so it makes sense that she's stiff...and she sucks... :)
(edited by The Vile1 on 15.2.03 0110) "I am many things Kal-El, but here I am god." -Darkseid
-Hass vs. Edge- I'm surprised Edge lost. Decent match but the ending came out of no where and was kind of weak.
-Benoit vs, Albert- Even with the great Benoit 6 minutes of Albert is too much to handle. Albert seems to have control about 80% of the match. Albert did do a nice move with the full nelson drop, it's kind of a rip off of the Widow's peak but whatever. What is with the Toothless Aggression, does the WWE think that slogan is going to catch on, very cheesy.
-Taker/Kanyon interview- It's KANYON, I start doing the Welcome Back, Welcome Back chant! And he's singing and dressing like Boy George, ha classic, good to see you back Kan-Yon. Ha Tazz starts singing a Boy George song, classic again, Good job Tazz LoL. Then taker treats him the same as a rookie Kendrick and early 90s comic act Brother Law and squashes and destroys Kanyon. Yeah Welcome Back indeed. Huge Sigh
-Benjamin vs. Eddie- Match of the night, Great fast paced wrestling. Nice finisher by Benjamin. Liked the block superkick and coming around with a spinkick, similar to Trish did a couple of times when she came with a kick and it was blocked but in Trish's case she comes around with the other foot when her blocked foot comes down. What is with me and having SD men moves remind me of Raw diva moves tonight LoL
-Hogan/Rock promo- That was one looooooong video package. Man, hope they follow up with something good. They don't
-Torrie vs. Dawn- Boring, repetitive and unsexy. Both these women characters (more Torrie) are so unappealing seeing them even in their underwear (again) is so ho hum. Dawn seemed to try to do stuff, Torrie just wants to throw clotheslines and do bad rollups and call it a day. Nidia runs in and gets humiliated (again) by the great Torrie. The 5th and 6th best girl on Raw are better then these bores.
-Lesner vs. Cena- Wow even I thought after the rap "Oh Cena you're going to get what you deserve" LoL. Lesner is my favorite power guy. He's awesome. Good match and Cena's such a good heel I liked seeing him get destroyed... I don't know if I feel the same as Lesner taking care of all of Team Angle by himself.
(edited by Net Hack Slasher on 16.2.03 0623) Oh they have the internet on computers now!
Originally posted by Net Hack SlasherTorrie vs. Dawn-The 5th and 6th best girl on Raw are better then these bores.
Well, let's see. In no particular order: Trish, Jazz, Victoria, Molly, um, Lita, and um, Jacqueline. Yeah, I guess you're right.
You have every right to umm Lita and Jackie. I wouldn't have put them on my list of being top 5 or 6, (Esecially Jackie). But saying that and not being a fan of Lita but Lita does have a charm and attraction for alot of people, I don't get it but she has it, but she's injured so I wouldn't have listed her as current Raw girls... I would list Ivory and Stacy. I think Ivory has so much natural spunk, give her a chance to talk and get her character over, she'd be great. Stacy's wrestling is nothing to write home about that's for sure, but I think she has a lot of charisma and I'd rather see her on TV then the top SD divas any day.
(edited by Net Hack Slasher on 18.2.03 1522) Oh they have the internet on computers now!
I'm gonna chime in in defense of skinning the cat last night. I really enjoyed all the eliminations-that-weren't. It was one of the aspects that made it a great Rumble in my eyes. I mean, it's 2009. The current WWE roster is super athletic.