Whaddya know, it's Thursday already! That means it's time for The Great Thomas SmackDown! Report!
Guerrero The Elder vs. Hardy V.1: What's up with Chavo's bandana? He looks like a pirate! Hardy works on the ribs. BIG POWERBOMB by Hardy! Pins galore! Guerrero wins via frog splash after beltshot by Chavo.
Have More Money NOW: Sadly, probably the most interesting thing on Shopzone right now.
Josh et Cena: Wow! Josh gotz street cred! ...Nah.
Los Guerreros: They're celebrating their win, when Big Show walks up, and tells them he doesn't like their kind. (He does like burritos, though!) He then tosses them aside, and tells them they can't do anything about it.
After The Break: Eddie says he's gonna take care of Big Show, Guerrero style.
A.P.A. vs. Basham Bros.: Wow. The Bashams' new music sucks. How does Cole know which Basham is which? Maybe Danny is really Doug, and Doug is really Danny. The Bashams win via double-team manuever. Afterwards, the A.P.A. ambush the Bashams, and Bradshaw K.O's Shaniqua with the Clothesline From Hell!
Confidential: This Week: The Return of Lita.
Benoit vs. Haas: A-Train does Guest Commentary. At No Mercy, it'll be Benoit vs. A-Train. A-Train says he WILL beat Benoit at No Mercy. Wrestling galore! SHARPSHOOTER by Benoit! Haas hits a NASTY belly-to-belly suplex to Benoit! Benoit wins via DQ after A-Train interferes. A-Train then applies the Crossface to Benoit, and Benoit taps!
Ready To Rumble: Friday 8/7C on UPN!
Mr. McMahon: He's here to offer Stephanie a second chance to resign from SmackDown! Ooh... Stephie has nice boobs tonight! She won't change the match or quit. Damn, Vince, stop staring at Stephie's breasts! However, Vince now adds that the new stipulation will be, if Stephie loses, she quits as GM! Vince wonders why his own daughter would force him to leave her a bloody mess. Sable tells Vince not to see Stephie as his daughter, but as a disrespectful b****! This starts a catfight, but Vince stops it, and SLAMS Stephie! The Undertaker runs in to save Stephie, and knocks down Vince! Brock runs in, and Vince, Sable, and Brock flee the ring, leaving Stephie crying in the corner.
Big Show: Jose, the Mexican delivery boy walks into Big Show's locker room looking for Eddie Guerrero to deliver 5 burritos! However, Big Show eats them for himself! However he does give one of the burritos back to Jose to give to Eddie... after Show spits in it! Yummy.
Tajiri vs. Kidman: Highspots and kicks galore! Tajiri hits the TARANTULA! Tajiri wins via Low Blow/Kick-to-the Head combo.
Cole and Tazz: They act out a scene from The Rundown... and Tazz punches Cole! Ha! Ha!
Big Show vs. Jordan: Big Show has slight heartburn. No... he's got MAJOR heartburn. No... he's got THE RUNS! He runs to the back, and Jordan wins via count-out.
Zach Gowen: He's at his home in Detroit, recovering nicely. He promises to return to the ring next week.
Big Show: He's in the john, taking the biggest crap in the history of Man. Eddie walks in, and tells Big Show that Jose is Eddie's cousin, and that he added some SUPER Special Sauce to Big Show's burrito. He then steals the last rolls of T.P. and leaves Big Show to his fate. "Montezuma ain't got NOTHIN' on Guerrero!"
The Main Event: Cena comes out first and gives us THUGONOMICS! Let's go to commercial break!
The Main Event (cont.): Power moves galore! OLD SCHOOL by Taker! Brock pulls Angle out of the ring, and knocks him down, causing Taker to give chase. Let's go to commercial break!
The House of The Dead: Oh, great! The movie industry is butchering ANOTHER great video game series! Hasn't Hollywood learned ANYTHING from "Resident Evil?"
The Main Event (cont.): Hey, is Cena growing a moustache? Brock lands some weird cradle suplex variation. The crowd chants "BROCK AIN'T SHIT!" Boy, Taker is really MOVING tonight! Angle is a HOUSE O' FIRE! Cena wins via chainshot. But Taker and Brock are still brawling outside. Taker CHOKESLAMS Lesnar through the announce table! And... we're out.
That's all for this week. Until then, Good Night, take care of yourselves, and stay tuned next week for "The Vince McMahon Soap Opera Hour!"
VOTE4WOZ.COM A VOTE FOR WOZ IS A VOTE FOR A BETTER CALIFORNIA MICHAEL J. WOZNIAK FOR GOVERNOR
It's my life, my time, my rights, my rhyme. It's Ssssmackdown, from Milwaukee, and a Fashion Report, too!
A black convertable lowrider, with Eddie, in red "Latino" tights with black/gold flames, wearing the Tag Title and carrying the US Title, with Chavo, in red tights, vs. Mattitude, in blue sleeveless "MHV1" shirt and green pants with black pockets and gold pattern, with Shannon. Korderas is in the referee-blue. Mattitude works over the midsection and is in control for the majority of the match, but then we enter end-game. Chavo with a beltshot leads to a frogsplash and a pin for Eddie. A nice match.
In the back, Josh questions somebody. I think it's Cena, but I CAN'T SEE HIM.
Still in the back, BigShow walks into Eddie and Chavo. Show doesn't like them.
During the break, Eddie re-ignites his Latino Heat.
Acolytes, both in black "APA" tights with cards, vs. Bashams, both in blakc leather pants, with Shaniqua, in silver bikini-top and short shorts with cat-o-nine-tails. Danny's pants are looser than Doug's. Chioda referees the match. Clubbing forearms abound. A ref bump. Ball and gag to a pin. Average match. Post-match, Bradshaw floors Shaniqua.
Albert joins Tazz, in black suit, blue shirt and tie (and, yes, Tazz, you ARE wearing sunglasses) and Cole, in blue-grey shirt, on commentary.
Benoit, in red "Wolverine" tights with black splats, vs. Haas, in maroon singlet with silver trim, and the taped-up wrists still say "Russ". Albert cuts an 80-s style heel promo during his commentary. FUCK - Haas belly-to-belly's Benoit right on his head. Albert interferes, leading to a DQ. Good wrestling for a nice match. Post-match beatdown by Albert.
Vince, in tan sportscoat, black shirt and black pants, with Sable, in leopard-print dress and highheels, are out to talk. He will let Steph recant and resign. On cue, Steph, in black lowcut shirt and black leather pants (hello, nurse!) is out. To summarize - she won't quit, and Vince is bad. Sable talks smack and physicality ensues. Taker is out and so is Brock; together they can end this segment.
In BigShow's lockerroom, "Jose", in sombrero, delivers burritos. Show eats up. What do YOU think will happen? (To be continued....)
Tajiri, in black pants with dragons and flaming left hem, wearing the Cruiserweight Title, with FOOTAGE!, vs. Kidman, in blue "Kidman" fullcuts with black splats. Chioda lays down the law, clad in blue. Tajiri works on the left arm. BootToTheHead to a pin. An average match.
Hype "The Rundown", AGAIN!
Cole's "facial hair" looks like he just forgot to wash under his lip. Shave it, Michael!
BigShow, in one-strap black singlet, vs. gas, vs. Orlando, in black sleeveless tiger-faced tshirt and tiger-faced yellow undies. If you guessed "The burritos will have an adverse impact on Show's digestive system", then you get an "Attaboy". Orlando wins by countout when Show has to go poop.
Oh, so THAT's what "Kill Bill" is about. I'll pass.
Zach, "Live via Satellite", talks. He wants to get back to action.
In the bathroom, BigShow poops (with mucho sound-effects!). Eddie comes by to taunt him. The sound effects were so immatture.
Cena, in some red jersey (I couldn't read it, #32 - Walton), lock and chain, white headband, and jean shorts, raps-out a missive. Adbreak run-in!
(the real) Brock Lesnar, in black buttskull undies, wearing the WWE Title, joins Cena, vs. Taker, on his bike, in black sleeveless "Worldwide Evil" tshirt, black "Big Evil" leather pants, and black bandana, and Angle, in white singlet (red back right and blue/stars back left), wearing the gold medals. Hebner the Younger wears the blue ref's shirt of authority. Everyone's on the outside, so Adbreak gets another chance to shine. Lock 'n chain punch to a pin for Cena. Post-match, physicality continues until Taker chokeslams Lesnar through the announce table. A good match, with everyone working hard and really meshing.
Overall: A good show. Could've done without the sound effects in the bathroom segment. It's not that the McMahon saga is wholly uninteresting, but they could just be doing so much more with their time that it, ultimately, is a disappointment.
FanFashion: You let me down, Milwaukee. Unless you could consider the WHOLE audience to be cosplay-ing an audience at a wrestling event. (nah) Hey, how about someone cosplay Tazz?
Cena's jersey was Bill Walton, Portland Trailblazers.
I bet WWE thought the sound effects for the Big Show segment were the funniest thing all year when they were producing it. On the other hand, I found the McMahon ring segment more appalling. And Big Show selling the stomach every time Jordan went for the gut ("NO! NO!") was actually pretty funny.
Is Vince moonlighting with Century 21?
That really was a damn impressive clothesline Bradshaw gave Shaniqua. That was one RED cheek on the closeup afterward.
Eddie, even with the blond highlights, continues to cheat better than Matt. Clearly, somebody stole the "Lie, Cheat & Steal" chapter from the manuscript of the Book of Mattitude.
Doug, the real Basham, is the one who's more chiseled, & hence looks slightly smaller, & (IMO) is the more skilled wrestler. Danny carries a bit more body fat, & is overall rounder. When they make their entrance, Doug is always on our right & Danny on our left. (Shaniqua's the one with the flogger.) I guess Bradshaw wants to be the man to top Shaniqua, eh?
Benoit & Haas was pretty fun up til Chris landed on his head. Couldn't tell if Charlie didn't lift enough or Chris didn't help enough, but Chris didn't get nearly enough height. Nice job by Chris protecting himself as well as he did though. Eeeesh. I actually kinda liked Tazz & Cole "interviewing" ATrain on commentary during the match.
WWE has obviously contracted with a structural engineering firm. That's a considerable engineering feat to get Steph's girls shoved that far up, while accomodating that neckline. Fortunately we avoided a Tacoma Narrows Bridge situation. Scary thought! (I hate it when that happens.)
Schizophrenic Vince, oscillating between victim & victimiser. Ohhhh, dear. Y'know, this is a family that could use Dr Phil. (That's where they're going with this plotline! Dr Phil is going to be the special guest referee at No Mercy! "How's that workin' for you, Vince?")
Can you actually get a decent burrito in Milwaukee?
I tire of the Tajiri mist, so I was glad that we were mistless tonight. There was some pretty nice stuff in there.
Who let the 6-year-old add the sound effects to the toilet scene? It's bad enough that we're incorporating a Tough Enough practical joke (The W) into Smackdown as a storyline, but the added sound was way too gross.
One question for John Cena: would you have personal experience of "makin' out with a hot chick & findin' out she's a dude"? Just curious.
Main event was good. Between the cool-looking lift that Taker did, & the big air on the backdrop by Kurt, Cena was spending quite a bit of time aloft. I'm not convinced that Brock was supposed to drop Kurt out of the press -- Tazz covered by saying that Kurt countered, but I'm not sold. Baby Hebner having trouble keeping order among all the big boys, especially Taker. The Undertaker has become Mr. Cardio -- cool! And he didn't even exert himself enough for the bandana to come off & let us check out the slightly longer hair. Weird & somewhat ugly crash by Brock over the ropes toward the end of the match -- he caught himself on the apron in sort of a handstand, but then continued down to the floor head first. Ouch. Very entertaining match (& hopefully they didn't all damage themselves too badly.)
Good show, except for the psycho-sexual schizophrenitic & the toilet.
Well, I believe I was right on the spoiler about the whole "sound effects" thing...
From the spoilers thread, my comments in bold:
OH DEAR GOD! We’re in the bathroom now and we see Big Show’s feet underneath the stall. Eddie is outside taunting Show saying that the burrito scam was a setup between him and his cousin “Jose” all along. Eddie was holding three rolls of toilet paper during this so that you know Big Show had none in his stall.I bet there are certain...sound effects there too. Good for us, eh?
Am I psychic or what?! Anyway, saw the tape, stopped after the Steph-Vince thing, because that seg was a hard act to follow, my friends.
After a quarter of a century on this planet, there's two things I know for sure... 1)I'm smarter than I was a year ago. 2)WWE isn't. 1200 bitches and counting....
I know wrestling fans aren't supposed to have a memory and all that, but why were Cena and Brock teamed together. And more importantly, why wasn't there tension between them. It wasn't too long ago, that Brock F5ed him into the ringpost JUST to get the attention of Angle(not really a thing for a babyface to do, but whatever). I don't really mind them teaming too much, but there should always be that tension between them. Maybe they were both fighting common enemies, but come on, these are big dumb animals, they don't care! :)
-Eddie vs. Hardy- Matt got out of 20 traffic tickets! Did Lita help him out in those situations (kidding)... I didn't like the tag match last week but this singles match was great. Great cheating by Eddie with a little help of from his friend and nephew Chavo.
-Basham Brothers vs. APA- First off thanks guys for any tip to figure Danny and Doug apart because I still can't, which might be a good sign for them because when I finally totally understood which 3Minute Warning guy was which Jamal got fired (or was that Rosey? LoL)... This match is a mess, really out of sync. Shaniqua was the most impressive of the 5.
-Benoit vs. Haas- Man Albert had one of the worst guest commentator moment ever, how many different ways can you state you are bigger then Benoit therefore you will win LoL... This match left me a little lukewarm for some reason. Scary as hell overhead suplex by Haas on Benoit. I did like Tazz line when it was stated that Albert is 150 pounds more then Benoit and Tazz says "That's like two of you Cole"
-Vince/Stephanie/Sable- I'm tapping out I QUIT I SWEAR I QUIT!... OH MY GOD A STIPULATION IF STEPHANIE LOSES THE MATCH SHE LOSES HER GM SPOT. This is important much like when JR and King LOST their stipulation match and was off the show for 1 FULL episode.
-Tajiri vs. Kidman- Finally something good. Tajiri might be my favorite SD superstar at the moment. He is so good and ON these days. He worked a great match with Kidman I think I will give this match of the night honors. Tajiri goes for tornado DDT from climbing the ropes but Kidman catches him and powerbombs him (good that spot)... But I marked out for the ending. Kidman in the corner floats over and behind Tajiri, but Tajiri trick knee went back and caught Kidman low. Kick of Doom by Tajiri for the pin. Really enjoyed this 6-minute match.
-Jordan vs. Bigshow- Orlando looks like a Street Fighter character; maybe his special move is a Sonic-crap because BigShow is feeling the effects.
-Cena/Lesner vs. Angle/Undertaker- Cena raps does he end with sh*t, d*ck or f*ck. If you picked option 2 you are correct. Some wild over the top rope moments. Angle runs the ropes Lesner pulled the top rope down and Angle goes flying off and around the end of the match when Brock was flipped upside down over the top rope he braced himself last second when he was falling head first... This match was really long going 16 minutes. Angle was in there for a long time and looked great. We ended with our custom Smackdown Table breaking spot.
-OtherStuff- Ohh BigShow in the toilet what do I smell? A new funniest moment’s video coming out soon, this is comedy GOLD, if gold was a stinky turd... Zach Gowen's interview sounded awfully heelish...
-Line of the Night: TAZZ "That's like two of you Cole" - After A-Train informs everyone he's got a 150 pounds weight advantage over Benoit. -3Stars of the Night: 1)Tajiri. 2)Angle. 3)Eddie
The cruiserweight match was fantastic, enjoyed the opener and main event was pretty god. The rest of the show wasn't that interesting. Toilet humor always takes a show a peg down... After the opener the first hour didn't do much for me. Second hour was pretty strong. Above average show.
Was it just my imagination, or is Eddie sporting a really nasty-looking crop of chest acne? I thought it looked most obvious in the backstage scene where he and Chavo got punked by the Show.
That Clothesline from Hell was the most vicious man-on-woman hit I can remember seeing. Say what you want about Shaniqua, she took it like a champ. I like the Bashams, so I'm a bit sulky seeing them used as APA fodder so Bradshaw can promote his book, but any TV time is good TV time ...
Tajiri/Kidman was good. I'd rather have seen Spanky, Paul London, or Ultimo get the shot -- Goddess knows they need the exposure -- but Kidman is decent and he and Tajiri generally work well together.
"I do have a degree in electrical engineering... from almost 20 years ago. Punchcard systems were just becoming obsolete, we had rotary phones in the dorms, and a modem was still a gizmo the size of a shoebox into which you squooshed the phone receiver itself. In short, we lived like animals.
The instant obsolesence is why I became a writer. The rate of punctuation in a sentence doesn't double every 18 friggin' months, and you never have some 22-year-old looming over your shoulder, shaking his head, saying "dude... you're still using adverbs...?"
Originally posted by Karlos the JackalI invented a little mnemonic today to help everyone keep track of which Basham is which. It involves their pants:
"Danny is baggy and Doug is snug."
It doesn't rhyme as well as I'd like, but hopefully this will help everyone out! You're welcome!
That'd be great, except it involves WAY too much thinking about their pants for me to be completely comfortable. (:
Ha ha, too late. My little poem will run through your head every time you see them from now on.
Originally posted by Shem the PenmanWas it just my imagination, or is Eddie sporting a really nasty-looking crop of chest acne? I thought it looked most obvious in the backstage scene where he and Chavo got punked by the Show.
Maybe he was having an ingrown hair problem from shaving his chest?
Originally posted by Shem the PenmanSay what you want about Shaniqua
Okay, I will: much to my surprise, she's easily my favorite female on the Smackdown side, and somewhere in the top three overall. I never would have predicted this six months ago.
I heard him do a radio interview on Pro Wrestling Report right after he was released, and he was surprisingly charismatic. He may be one of those guys who has trouble translating it via scripted promos.