Last Week: The new Number one contender is Randy Orton, who promises to start what he finished last year. Edge sang European Pop Music. And hey, hey, hey, Batista tried hard to give Triple H whooping cough. Will he have it…TONIGHT?!
When Martin Luther King Jr. had a dream, somehow I don’t think he was thinking Maven/Shelton Benjamin push. But I guess you take what you can get sometimes.
Chris Jericho is out for the Highlight Reel. He says that last night at a house show, he qualified for the Royal Rumble by eating a giant Qdoba burrito in under five minutes. What the hell is it with things happening at house shows? I mean, at the house show I went to Molly Holly got beaten by Victoria. Can you just imagine the ramifications this decision will have on the WWE from here on out? Jericho is about to introduce his guest, Stevie Richards when he’s interrupted by Mohammad Hassan and Khosrow Daivari and the soothing sounds of Sting.
Chris Jericho: What the hell are you guys doing out here? You’re taking away the valuable screen time Stevie Richards was going to have! He was going to announce to the world that he was entering the Royal Rumble! Mohammed Hassan: I don’t give a crap! I really need to vent. I’m REALLY pissed off right now! CJ: Why’s that? MH: We’re in Canada, right? CJ: Uh-huh. MH: So where’s all the legalized and cheap drugs? I want roids and dope and painkillers. If there’s ONE thing I hate about being from the U.S., it’s that all that stuff is either illegal or it’s really expensive. I want my stuff on the cheap! CJ: What are you? 80? Get your drugs like normal people. Off of e-mail spam. MH: What do you think I’m an idiot? I’ve already increased my size up to 8 inches, and I have bmphx98124387 to thank for it. CJ: 8 inches? Oh man. I got totally ripped off. Khosrow Daivari: If you guys think THAT’S something, wait til’ you hear the offer I have for you! MH: You’re only supposed to say CHI…. CJ: Let’s just hear him out. MH: Ok, ok. But he’s ruining our gimmick. KD: Right now! Only 3.95 per hour! Only mostest hottest Russian Lesbians! No bull! Only best for you email@example.com! CJ: Here’s $3.95! I’ve got like fifty pounds of these Canadian coins to offload. MH: I will pay as well. Show us the boobies!
Victoria’s old theme plays.
KD: Huh? Huh?! CJ: I can’t help but feel a bit ripped off. MH: Not just by that “deal” but this whole segment. What have we accomplished? CJ: I’ve got something to declare! Me kicking your ass!!
Jericho takes Daivari down in the Walls, but Hassan pulls him off because Daivari is his meal ticket. Stevie Richards is asleep, so it’s up to Chris Benoit to make the save. Benoit shambles at our Arab American friends, and they take off.
Backstage, Triple H and Triple Naitch are just showing up.
Triple H: …so I told her, “Back off, baby, Triple H can get his OWN fries.” Ric Flair: So they let you behind the counter? HHH: No, no. They threw me out. But the workers at the Winnipeg McDonalds learned a valuable lesson: Thou Shalt NOT mess with Triple H. RF: You’re THE MAN! WOO! HHH: Don’t just throw that compliment out there. You worked your whole career to make being “The Man” important. To be the Man, you’ve got to beat the Man. Remember? RF: Oh. Right. WOO! Thanks for reminding me. Tough Enough Jessie: Here’s your coffee, Mr. Flair. RF: Woo! Thanks! You’re the man! TEJ: I’m not a man…WAAAAAAA!
Maven and La Resistance v. Shelton Benjamin, The Hurricane and Some Kind of Denver Broncos Float
Apparently, La Resistance won the tag team titles at a house show that I didn’t go to. What the hell? I thought William Regal and Vacant were doing awesome as champs now that Eugene is out. Maven stalls to start, while Shelton and Hurricane take turns throwing beads off the float. Finally the action begins, when Hurricane is rolled up and pinned by Rob Conway. This was totally worth 12 minutes of airtime, because it continues the important Shelton Benjamin/Sylvain Grenier and Rosey/Chad Patton feuds which will surely propel the WWE towards Wrestlemania.
Randy Orton is milling about backstage trying to remember what a fondue pot is supposed to do, but only serves to crack himself up because he asks himself, “What does a fondue do?” My Darling Stacy bumps into him and wishes him luck at the Royal Rumble. Then she kisses him on the cheek. Ok…What an intergalactic hussy. After everything I’ve done for you, Stacy! You go around kissing every random guy who can make people fall over. I cannot BELIEVE THIS! She thinks I don’t watch RAW and catch these storylines? Just because nobody else does? Well, you’re absolutely completely wrong. Oh, who the hell am I kidding. I still think you’re hot baby. Besides Triple H is going to mess Randy up anyway. See you soon! Bring back dinner!
STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD! Is holding a press conference to announce “Stone Cold Steve Austin’s Country Bear Jamboree” performing at WWE Fan Axxess before WrestleMania XXI. It’s a KICK WHAM STUNNER to your ears!
Randy Orton walks to the ring, soaking up the cheers of the all important 5-13 Female Demo. He says the he can’t believe that he’s back in Toronto where the best moment of his life occurred, the day he ordered cable porn for the first time. All by himself! He says that at the Royal Rumble, Triple H will fall over and Orton will win…whatever it is that they were fighting about. This of course draws out, Triple H.
Triple H: God! How many friggin’ people are going to have to job to me before everybody gives up and just let me talk for two hours. Everybody to TNA! This show’s for me. Sure you may be more better, there, Randy, but geez. I’m tired of wrestling every week. I’m tired of winning and then defending my title. Can’t you guys at least let me have RAW? Randy Orton: I’m not wearing socks. HHH: You’re not in my LEAGUE ORTON! I’m in a league of my own! RO: Like the XFL? Or women’s baseball? HHH: Shut up.
Hunter and Orton brawl for a little while, and Ric Flair even runs out to get in on the action, but in the end it’s all for naught, because neither side is ever going to be truly willing to sell for the other. Triple H declares this meeting a stalemate, and the feud “not over” before accidentally falling off the side of the ramp. You’ve really got to watch where you’re going when you’re backing up that thing.
Hunter and Flair are wandering around backstage….
Triple H: Goddammit, Naitch. I can’t believe that. First Orton almost gets the better of me, and then I fall off the edge of the ramp. I JUST CANNOT WIN TODAY! Flair: Just think of it this way…it can’t get any worse. “Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Hi, GUYS! Triple H, you died of STARVATION! HHH: Why didn’t you give me any food? Increase the rations! You can hunt buffalo…or bears anyway. DBD: Would you like a COOKIE? HHH: Haha. Very funny. DBD: Ric and I forded the Snake RIVER! RF: WOO! Space Mountain! DBD: Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go enter the Royal RUMBLE! HHH: No! Dammit, Ric. Would you quit encouraging him? RF: You’re not afraid of the WOO Osprey Bomb are you?
Here’s Shawn Michaels with The Coach….
Jonathan Coachman: Jonathan Coachman here with Shawn Michaels, and Shawn you’re not very popular here. Shawn Michaels: Oh, snap. Are we in Canada? Why the hell are we in Canada? Dammit. JC: Well, what can you do. Canadians are about the only people around who will come to our shows anymore. And they pretty much come here just to yell at you. HBK: And they say I’m not still a draw.
Eric Bischoff comes into view.
Eric Bischoff: Shawn, I hope you don’t mind, but I’m using your interview time to make a shocking announcement or something. HBK: What kind of shocking announcement? EB: Oh, hell if I know. I just need to gets me some face time. HBK: Well. Cool, cool. I did the same thing to Edge last week, so it’s cool. EB” Well…damn…now I’ve got to come up with a shocking announcement. Uh…You’re a bastard. That’s right…Your father isn’t Big Show’s Daddy. HBK: What? Sean Cold Val Venis: What? EB: God. I dunno. You’re fighting Chris Tian. HBK: Oh, come on. THAT’S YOUR SHOCKING SWERVE?! EB: Screw off.
That was fruitful.
Chris Tian (w/ Tyson Tomko) v. Shawn Michaels
Edge is standing on the ramp. I think he’s looking for that last segment. Tomko’s goatee is just out of control, man. I think that thing is growing into a new member for their stable. Probably because Trish left them. Shawn prances out and then humps a Canadian flag on his way to the ring. Man, things are REAL bad when Tyson Tomko is on the face side of a match. Tomko is taken out early when he trips over his beard and knocks himself out. Edge tries to run in and take Shawn out with the Spear, but Shawn is ready for it, and Edge hits a steel plate hidden in Shawn’s crotch. OH NO! Shawn stole that move from Bret! Christian stands in horror at this, and is open for a super kick. HBK wins. After the match, Edge runs back into the ring to complain, but unfortunately for him nobody is paying attention anymore. Poor Edge.
“Dave” Batista “Davidson” v. Viscera
Dave does his poses on the way to the ring, including the amazing and totally crazy go nuts cabbage patch. Dave is excited because he’s never in his life met somebody so fat. Viscera is excited because he’s never in his life met somebody so oily. It’s a match made in heaven really. By some kind of angry vengeful god. Triple H is worried about seeing this match because he thinks he’s watching Heat. Man, you don’t want to accidently turn on Heat. That stuff will ruin your evening. Dave nails Vis with the OSPREY BOMB, but he can only carry 200 pounds back to his wagon.
Triple H and Ric Flair are backstage….
Triple H: Dave won? What is the world coming to? Ric Flair: Well…he’s the man. HHH: That’s sounds greeeeeat. HE’S the man, now. RF: You’re the man too. We’re all the man. WOO! HHH: I wish, I wish…. “Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I wish you were a FISH! HHH: Uh…hey, Dave. How’d your meeting with Bischoff go? DBD: I don’t KNOW! HHH: What do you mean you don’t know? DBD: It didn’t happen on TELEVISION! I don’t know if I actually did IT! HHH: Oh. Yeah. Good match there. DBD: You would say something like THAT!
Chris Benoit v. Chris Jericho
J.R. says that he’s been waiting all week for this match because he’s been studying REAL hard to try to remember which one of these guys is Christian and which one is Edge. He gets it wrong. Jericho and Benoit shake hands to start, and then thumb wrestle. Jack Doan is all like, “REFEREE!” and breaks it up. Benoit has the most impeccable technical thumb wrestling I’ve ever seen. He’s a god of the sport. And I don’t say that lightly. Man, how are they gonna fit in more Kane here tonight?
We’re back to the match. They try to lock in some submissions, but the other guy knows all the counters because this is the 124,583rd time they’ve wrestled. I don’t even think that counts if they ever wrestled each other in Japan. They fight for a little while on the top rope, and J.R. freaks out because apparently this is the first time he’s seen anybody on the top rope before. Benoit goes to try to lock in the Sharpshooter because the crowd’s got to respond to SOMETHING Canadian in this match. I think they’re just pissed that you’re both “now hailing” from the U.S. Jericho rolls Benoit up and that’s enough for the pin, because…they couldn’t think of anything better? They share a brief tense handshake, then a full body massage.
Here’s a recap of the Kane/Lita/Orton storyline: Kane threatens Lita. Lita and Kane fell in love and had sex. Lita was pregnant. Then she had an Abe Orton. Now Kane is fighting for freedom, wherever there’s trouble. Over land and sea. And air.
Trish Stratus comes down to the ring. She says that Lita’s injury was ALL HER FAULT. But now that Trish is pretty much the entirety of the competitive part of the women’s division, she’s taken to desperate measures to get competition. That’s why she’s traveling back in time to join WOW. Actually, she’s not really doing that. But she’s pretty screwed for any TV time any time soon. Well, unless they just run Molly/Victoria/Trish matches until WrestleMania. Wouldn’t that be fun? Kane comes out to ask if he could maybe join the women’s division if he’s never going to be pushed in the men’s, but when Trish says, “No” he lights both her and Lillian Garcia on fire. Then he nails a choke slam on them both to get them to shut up.
Kane v. Abe Orton No Holds Barred
Kane gets another entrance, because this show definitely needed a little more Kane’s entrance. Kane and Abe brawl around for a little while, hitting each other with various traffic implements and Hulk Hogan’s weight belt. Then they break out some lucha stuff, but Abe ends all that by poking Kane in the eye with the contact lens. There’s a break here while Kane goes and rewets it. I sure am glad this is the main event. They fight up to the top of the entrance ramp, and Kane grabs Abe in an illegal reverse crescent, double dragon, super dodgeball, crossface, under arm, river city rampage, double underhook, side, back, super mega chickenwing. But it’s NO HOLDS BARRED! NOT EVEN THAT ONE! Abe screws up and punches Kane right in the balls, but that wasn’t his fault. But Kane takes offense and chokeslams Abe off the ramp. Unfortunately, as he does this, the weight of carrying Abe is far to great to bear, and he falls over too. Who won? They fell over…so I guess…Orton wins? Abe asks, “Are you O.K., man?” To which Kane responds, “Hi, My name is Bobbin Threadbare; are you my mother?.” He’s cool.
You do realize what this means, don’t you?
This feud can only be settled one way!
Voice of the Undertaker/Kane v. Abe Orton/Jon Hnnrnnr at WRESTLEMANIA!
Next Week:Shawn Michaels finally figures out how to get Edge to stop following him around by stopping and clapping in Edge’s direction. Dave risks incurring further wrath of Triple H when he buys Nibblins an unsolicited ball of yarn. Royal Rumble Qualifying continues when Stevie Richards FINALLY qualifies.
Stay tuned starting Thursday for a huge Satire...thingy.
(edited by Excalibur05 on 18.1.05 0325) Tonight I wanna ruin my life, I wanna throw it all away, In a spectacular way
OK... what did everyone think of my Critical Analysis column that I submitted? Good, bad? What do you agree with, what do you disagree with?
(takes a few deep breaths and prepares myself for a tidal wave of negative backlash)...