Last We…er…uh…Two Weeks Ago: Triple H found his title in the hearty hands of a little guy named Vacant. Eric Bischoff announced an Elimination Chamber so that he could just forget about booking anything for the rest of the PPV. And hey, Mick Foley showed up, and got yelled at, will he get yelled at…TONIGHT?!
Here’s Eric Bischoff out to expound to us the benefits of eating more vegetables, or always using protection, or to book matches or something. Man, a week off and I’m already rusty. I can’t even predict what this interview segment is about. Probably…how to fix your alternator? Hell, I dunno. Let’s just watch.
Eric Bischoff: Well, I hope everybody had a very Merry Christmas, but unfortunately for you, it’s back to you weekly dose of Monday Night RAW. Yeah, I’m sorry too. All right, listen. We’ve got an elimination chamber coming up and that means that the whole PPV is pretty much booked. I mean that’s six guys right there. Add a token women’s match, a little more Kane, and people will buy that crap. Right? That saves me a lot of work. But we’ve still got to do something for tonight, I guess. SO how about this…Everybody in the Elimination Thingie, has to wrestle. Then, I guess we’ll time them, and whoever wins their match in the shortest amount of time gets a FABULOUS PRIZE! But they still won’t win the Elimidate Show. Guy in Crowd: What if they lose? EB: Hahahahahaha…Shut up. Now for some random girl.
Christie Hemme (WHO?!) makes her way to ringside. I now notice that announcing is being done by Some Dude. Oh, where have you gone David Penzer? Well…Whatever.
Chris Jericho v. Chris Tian (w/ Tyson Tomko)
This is only the 384th meeting between these two. To celebrate, Jericho and Tian exchange Christmas gifts. Jericho hands over a bouquet of Tootsie Pops worth $2.99. Tian gives Jericho a waffle iron/calcuator hybrid worth $19.95. Jericho is pissed because Christian obviously went over the $10 spending limit. Tian tells Jericho not to worry about it because he likes Jericho and the money isn’t what’s important to him its that he gets Chris the perfect gift. Jericho throws his candy down in disgust and storms away, while Christian notes that he likes Tootsie Pops, and that Jericho shouldn’t be such a stickler about the dollar limit.
I sure hope the ads don’t count against Jericho’s time, because they’ve got to do those 2 minute restholds so the TV crowd doesn’t have to miss any of the action. Tomko is crying in one of the corners because nobody was his secret Santa. Poor Tyson. This match is taking FOREVER to get going. No way is Jericho going to get a fabulous prize. Hell, at this rate he’s not even going to get done with his match before Batista eats all the roast beef. Finally, about forty minutes in, Jericho gets Christian to tap out and exchange the waffle maker/calculator for a ten dollar gift certificate to Bed, Bath and Beyond. Jericho wins! According to Christie, the official time to beat is “Beige”.
Backstage with Evolution…..
Triple H: Man, I don’t even know who the hell I’m fighting tonight. Ric Flair: WOO! Whoever it is, I’m willing to bet I’ll take their old lady on a RIDE ON SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOY! WOO! “Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I don’t care who I FACE! HHH: Oh yeah? Why the hell not? DBD: Because I’m being PUSHED! HHH: Yeah? Well, I don’t care who I face either. DBD: Well you SHOULD. RF: What are you talking about? He’s THE GAME! WOOO! HHH: Yeah, I’m the game! DBD: But your movie is a box office FAILURE! HHH: What? Sean Cold Val Venis: What? DBD: Now you will lose your movie PUSH! HHH: Damn. You might be right. Oh, crap. RIC! Ohmygod, what if I lose and don’t get the fabulous prize. RF: Well, then we’ll just have to WOO steal it for you. HHH: It’s ok. It’s ok. I just have to beat beige. Pass me a sandwich. DBD: All the roast beef is in my TUMMY! HHH: That’s it!!
Hunter and Dave have a staredown for a while before Flair chops them both and they all leave.
Josh Matthews is backstage with Randy Orton….
Josh Matthews: Josh Matthews here with Randy Orton, and Randy to you have any New Years Revolutions? Er…Resolutions? Randy Orton: Resowhotion? JM: Resolutions. RO: No, no. I don’t read the Bible. I’m not in that one. JM: No, no. Things you want to do in the New Year. RO: Oh. Be more pretty? JM: Oh, that’s a GREAT resolution. Yeah. Not “Win the World Title” or “Wrestle in the WrestleMania Main Event”. No, no. “Be More Pretty”. Good one. RO: Being pretty is important. JM: Sure. RO: I’m prety.. JM: Uh-huh/ RO: Prettier than you. JM: I doubt it.
They have a brief staredown, before Dean Malenko breaks them up by constantly running his head into their waists.
Randy Orton v. Maven
Maven falls over, but he doesn’t go for the pin, allowing precious minutes to slip away on the clock while he tries to convince Christie that he is most certainly prettier than WWE Diva Josh Matthews. Christie doesn’t care. Who the hell is she anyway? Maven wakes up and is very excited to be in such a main event caliber match. Is tights look like a big pink McDonald’s sign which is pretty much exactly the kind of vibe I’d want if I were a wrestler aching to get off of Heat. Which I am. You didn’t know that? Well, that’s because you don’t watch Heat. Maven falls over again because his angle on Heat is that he’s developed a sudden case of severe narcolepsy. Didn’t know THAT either did you? Losers. Randy Wins. The new time to beat according to Christie is “Raspberry Pop Tarts”.
Lita v. Molly Holly
Hahahaha, if Lita doesn’t wrestle Trish, there’s only one other choice. The title isn’t on the line because Molly isn’t Trish. Lita wins by countout when she tells Molly that she’s is going to get fired for not being slutty enough. Molly runs backstage to cry. Taking her place in the ring is Abe Orton who is there, I guess, to challenge for the Women’s Title. Lita runs backstage and hides in the closet labled “No Litas Here”. Abe can’t find her. Eric Bischoff enters from the right of the screen, mumbles something about how Abe should really wrestle Kane yet again on PPV and then exits to the left. Abe is left wondering when they started letting old people wander around backstage and randomly book matches.
Nova v. Some Kind of Denver Broncos Float
I wonder if the Float’s chances of making the elimination chamber aren’t better than his chances of making the playoffs. Nova starts the match by making fun of Henry O. Godwinn who it just so happens is in the audience. The Float rolls at Nova, but Nova invented parade floats, so he knows just how to stop them. At that moment, the cast of the Biloxi Theatre Production of Cats breaks into a song and dance routine, and Rosey politely stops and waits for them to finish. Nova rolls him up for the pin and the win. The announcers argue about whether or not that was outside interference.
Eugene v. Edge
Edge desperately wants a fabulous prize, because it might help him get over. Eugene tells him that he’s not only the most overrated wrestler, but he’s also the most deteriorated wrestler as well. Edge tells Eugene to stop spreading all these nasty lies, but Eugene has his internet voting ballot to prove it. Edge bails out to collect his thoughts and ask himself what has happened to his once promising career when he trips and falls over a stack of Raspberry Pop Tarts. Tears well up in Edge’s eyes as he realizes that this means that he won’t be winning any fabulous prizes this day. Edge runs back into the ring and twist’s Eugene’s beard until Eugene taps out and then he fashions for himself a WWE Title out of beard hair and carries it backstage. Poor Edge.
Bischoff is in his office deleting voice mail messages from Evolution.
Eric Bischoff: 347 new messages. At least half of these are just from Dave asking “Are you THERE? Are you THERE?” Over and over again.” Jonathan Coachman: Here have these 3-D glasses. EB: What the hell are you giving me these for. JC: Try them on.
Bischoff puts the glasses on.
EB: Nothing is in 3-D…. JC: Buuuuuut…. EB: I’ll admit, this makes the show about 14% more entertaining. JC: So who’s the referee of the elimination chamber. EB: Shane McMahon in Drag. JC: Really. EB: I dunno. We haven’t booked that segment yet.
Chris Benoit v. Viscera
Viscera is wearing a CAPE~! OH MY GOD! THIS IS THE BEST WRESTLING ACCESSORY EVER! I swear, if every wrestler wore a cape it would lead the world of professional wrestling to heights not scene since the days of Koko B. Ware. Benoit gets Viscera down in the Crossface, and the crowd is all OMG BENOIT~!, but Viscera’s head is way too big, so it’s just like the Crippler Crosshug. Aww. Then they lay in the center of the ring until Viscera taps out because five minutes is really just too long to go without eating. I’m pretty sure that’s what happened to Gail Kim. He just ate her and the WWE “released her” to cover it up. Christie announces that there’s a new time trial winner with a time of “Five minutes and fourteen Phillips Head Screw Drivers”. Benoit demonstrates “excitement” by stumbling around and then walking backstage. Catch Viscera in his New Movie Fat Albert in theaters now.
My Darling Stacy is standing around. YAY!
My Darling Stacy is out.
My Darling Stacy: Hi, how’s it going. I just wanted to thank all of you for voting for me for the Diva of the year. I know Matt is the only one of you who voted, but it’s the thought that counts, right? In any even, now I’m going to show you my ass.
Desert Rose by Sting starts up. “I dream of rain Alayala!” Have you seen Sting’s new movie? He plays himself and its about how he was drinking in WCW until one night he fell out of bed and yelled at God. And that’s when he knew he should refuse to job to Lance Storm. Anyway, here’s Mohammed Hassan and Khosrow Daivari.
Mohammed Hassan: How’s it goin’, Stacy. Khosrow Daivari: CHICKENS! MH: You’re lookin’ really hot tonight, baby? What do you say? Do you wanna be one of my Seven Virgins? MDS: I don’t think I can. Technically. MH: Daaaamn. I’ve been having trouble getting some. I mean there’s Molly…then what? Josh Matthews? KD: CHICKENS! MH: Do you all think this headdress is a little too much? I mean, does it go with my tights or anything? Cuz I’ve got a cool little tie-dyed number in the back I could try on. Jim Ross: Why don’t you quit wasting time on this show. MH: Why don’t you remember the difference between Benoit, Jericho and Tian? JR: Go back to your home country! MH: What, Ohio? JR: Yeah! Nothing good’s ever come out of Ohio. Jerry Lawler: Actually, I had a ham sandwich in Cleveland that was pretty good one time. JR: Well, nothing besides THAT then. JL: YEAH! MH: Well, I think you’re a dumb meaniehead. JR: Oh yeah, well your headdress makes you look fat. MH: Why I never! KD: If I may, I think this argument isn’t going to lead to anything conduc…. MH: Ehem. KD: Oh. Sorry. CHICKENS!
Mohammed pushes J.R. over. Orton wins. Lawler is offended that Mohammed would be helping an infidel like Randy Orton, but he has to admit, he’s been wanting to push over J.R. for years. Where’s Austin when you need him? Or at least Val Venis?
Rhyno v. “Dave” Batista “Davidson” (w/ Ric Flair)
Rhyno here making his 34th consecutive random appearance on RAW. Oo! One more and he gets a free shot at the midcard title of his choice. You can beat Lita, Rhyno! He can’t beat Dave though. Good thing Dave doesn’t have a title. He’s not trying very hard at first, because Triple H REALLY wants that fabulous prize so that he can give a Christmas gift to Nibblins, and Dave loves Nibblins. But when Rhyno punches him in the balls, it’s on like Donkey Kong kids. OSPREY BOMB TO RHYNO~! Christie announces the new leading time, “All That and a Bag of Chips”.
The WWE was in Iraq. Scotty 2 Hotty was killed by a stray mortar shell. He will not be missed.
Eric Bischoff is in his office.
Eric Bischoff: Hey, Random Girl. Get the hell out of my office. Random Girl: I’m on TV! Jonathan Coachman: So have you decided who the referee is going to be. EB: Sure did. It’s going to be that random girl that just left. JC: Really? EB: Yeah. Why not. Mohammed Hassan: We have not been on TV nearly enough. EB: Sure you have. MH: Yeah. But we’re running out of things to do. EB: Next week you can have a debate with J.R. and Lawler. MH: That sounds…Crappy. EB: Such are the ways of the WWE. MH: Hmph. Khosrow Daivari: CHICKENS!
Triple H: HOW DARE YOU WIN! I WAS SUPPOSED TO WIN! “Dave” Batista “Davidson”: You are pissing me OFF! HHH: You can’t get pissed off. Now go play with your sticker book and leave the adults alone to plot. DBD: I am almost FORTY! HHH: Shut up and go play with your stickers. DBD: I will play with stickers because I want to not because you told me TOO! Ric Flair: Woo! That’s the old Evolution spirit! Evolution POOOOOOOWER!
Shelton Benjamin v. Triple H (w/ Ric Flair)
All the other Elimination Chamber contestants are staring at HHH from outside the ring. I think they’re in love. Are we sure this one ISN’T an Elimidate Chamber? Who will win Triple H’s heart and as such get a big push. Will it be Pretty But Boring Edge? Stumpy and Boring, But Misunderstood Benoit? Entertaining but Bored Jericho? Pretty and Pretty Randy Orton? Or will it be gruff, tough and nice Dave? Find out next Sunday Night! Shelton is the Intercontinental Breakfast and holds an impressive win streak over HHH, but that doesn’t really mean anything, because the man he’s facing is an 11 times blackbelt in PoliticsFu. Hunter thinks he won the Fabulous Prize, but Shelton was just pretending to be asleep so that he can attack Hunter from behind. Hunter gets the pin, but unfortunately the sale on chips has ended, and the winner of the Prize is Dave. Eric Bischoff enters.
Eric Bischoff: Congratulations on winning this Smurf Sticker Book, Dave. “Dave” Batista “Davidson”: YAY! HHH: DAMMIT!! EB: Now here’s the guest referee…SHAWN MICHAELS!!
HBK prances out and both the crowd and the other wrestlers register “Oh…him again. Hi, Shawn.”
Next Week: The Road to New Years Restitution Continues when it’s announced that the Elimidate Chamber will take place…IN SPACE! Dave’s stickers go missing, and the suspects are lined up for INTERROGATION! Plus, the Muslims and the Announcers have a debate so epic that it can only mean the return of Scott Steiner<> to moderate.
Happy New Year, Y'all.
Lance And Rob Are Friends Chapter 30: All Good Things…And Even Some REALLY Good Things….
Lance and Rob are on the road headed for the Mississippi/Texas boarder. Lance stares ahead as Rob stretches in the seat next to him.
Lance Storm: They’re following us. This is it, Rob. Either Mantuar and Mountie or Paul E. is going to catch us. Either them or some idiot on a bike. Rob Van Dam: That’s Tommy, Dude. Look at him go. Woah. LS: He’s going pretty fast for a guy on a bike. Too bad he’s a traitorous snob. RVD: Don’t be so hard on him, dude. We had some good times with Tommy. LS: Those times are over. Just like we’re going to be. RVD: Don’t be so sure about that, dude. Look! LS: What? That sign that says “Cliff - Ahead 10 mi.”?! Great we could just drive off a…. RVD: It’s so crazy it just might work. Right, dude? LS: Rob…I’ll try anything right now. But if we don’t make it…. RVD: Don’t start dude. LS: I just wanted to let you know that this is the STUPIDEST MOST CRAPPY MOST HORRIBLE EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE! All I wanted to do is RETIRE, MAN! But you wouldn’t let me do that, would you? NOOOOoooo! Instead you just had to skip being drafted to Smackdown to drag me on this goddamn adventure to look for Atlantis which we found in Lake Friggin’ Michigan of all places, wherein we met The Rock who conscripted us to look for the Jade Monkey who ended up being Paul Heyman in disguise and meanwhile we ran afoul of the Canadian Government who sent a former wrestler who always gets gored to come after us. This is the END, ROB! I HOPE YOU’RE REALLY FRIGGIN’ HAPPY! Because our lives are a LIVING HELL BECAUSE OF YOU! Stupid ass. And moreover, none of this has made any sense. RVD: Aw, dude. I love you and your seriousness, Lance. LS: I love you too, Rob. I love you too. RVD: But just like a friend. LS: Yeah. Like a friend. Whew.
In the hearse….
Paul Heyman: Damn, is that Dreamer? Woah. Lookit him go!
Heyman pulls along side a very winded and bloody Dreamer, who has passed Paul and Mantaur…..
PH: Tommy, I need you to head off that car. I can’t catch them. I’m running out of gas. TD: Paul, I can’t do this any more. Lance and Rob are my friends. I’m going to stop you from getting them. You don’t deserve such fine people. PH: Don’t you DARE forsake me, Dreamer. I own you! ECW owns you. TD: Screw you, Paul. I’m going with my friends. My REAL friends.
Tommy speeds ahead.
TD: Ride harder, Tommy, ride harder. OH GOD TOO HARD!! I’M SORRY LANCE AND ROB!!
Dreamer hurtles off the edge of the cliff. Mountie, still glued to Mantaur, urges his stead on.
Mountie: Listen to me. Run faster! Mantaur: Why shouldn’t I unglue us and gore you? Mountie: I’ll cut you a deal. Mantaur: I will listen to you. Mountie: Follow that car. I promise you can gore them all day in prison. Mantaur: WE RIDE!
Heyman pulls up alongside Mountie and Mantaur.
PH: Why the hell are YOU here? MT: They belong in prison. They blew up my office. It’s because of them I’m glued to this monstrosity. PH: I’m after them to work for ECW. They’re contracted to me. MT: They’re mine, Heyman. Back off. PH: Dammit, Mountie, we’re in this together now. They can go back to prison on their days off from ECW. Let’s GET THEM!
In the car….
LS: We can’t get caught. I’m NOT going back to ECW. Or Canadian Jail. RVD: What are we gonna do, dude? LS: They’re gaining on us.
They look out the window. The cliff looms ahead.
LS: Rob…there’s the cliff. RVD: Lance, let’s DO THIS!
Mantaur and Heyman slow up and watch as Rob grabs Lance’s hand. They look at each other and look straight ahead as the car hurtles off the edge of the cliff.
Tonight I wanna ruin my life, I wanna throw it all away, In a spectacular way
WWE has shown us no respect, putting some redheaded strumpet in Lance Storm's place.
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened. - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
"The Cynical Weekly Wrestling Recap.” New adaptation to this week’s edition and all future editions…The Cynical Weekly Wrestling Recap will now come in versions 1.0 and 2.0. The former will be RAW and the latter will be Smackdown.