Ekedolphin here, bringing you my short, sweet review of The Scorpion King:
Well... I got to rent it for free so I can't complain too badly. The action sequences were above average, but both the acting and the plot were sub-par. The Rock does an O.K. job for an actor who's just starting out, I suppose. The resident hot chick is, well... pretty hot. But the jokes aren't funny, and the plot is pretty formulaic. There aren't any real twists and turns in the movie that make you go, “Whoa!” Still, I liked the action sequences, and it's kind of funny seeing The Rock no-sell an arrow in his back.
Final Analysis: Worth a rental. Might make for a good popcorn movie. But I wouldn't buy it.
“What the heck is he doin' here? Hey Mysterio...don't child labor laws state that you can't be here more than five hours a day? Hahahaha- get it? Ho ho, get it?... 'cause he's... you know, short.” --Kurt Angle, SmackDown, 9/26/02
Two-Time, Two-Time Randomly Selected Weiner of the Day, 5/27/02 and 7/3/02
And here's what I thought of it when I watched it:
A nice, entertaining, mindless action movie with a few comedic bits thrown in. I found the comedic bits mildly amusing, which means someone out there will find them totally f'n hillarious, and for that one person, good for them. The acting, plot, and jokes are about average for a mindless action movie, which means it doesn't suck complete ass. It has music, and special effects too. Oh, and they do the standard "the hell with physics and science and shit, we have a really fucking cool action sequence we want to do!" thing with the flaming swords of doom (which are fucking cool). Some of the jokes are funny, the action is neato, and there are many hot chicks with nice boobies (which, when it all comes down to it, is the most important thing of all).
Also, this movie teaches a very valuable lesson, "When you're in the stronghold of the big evil dude you want to kill, and who wants you dead, if you run into his chick(s), make sure they aren't trying to grab your sword."
The action scenes were just dandy. I'm a fan of mindless action flicks, so I had no problem with that. The jokes could have been better, and the wacky sidekick could have been done without. I mean, the camel was enough comic relief as it was.
And it's also worth noting that The Rock made the Guinness Book of World Records for the highest paycheck ($5.5 million) for an actor's first starring role.