Thursday November 21st, 2002. On this day in history, Smackdown was aired by the WWE. Many fans watched it. I was one of them. This is my recap.
Hogan’s My Dad
First off, I want to wish Triple H a speedy recovery and I hope he takes it easy for a month or so. No need to hop back in the ring, and with arm trouble on top of everything else this guy’s career looks like it’s winding down. While I am not a fan of Trips, I neither want him hurt, nor without the freedom to enjoy his livelihood. I hope he gets where he needs to get, wherever that might be in life. Yes, I know I wrote that poem, but I was really just joking. I wish Trips the best. He is a human being after all.
The show opens with a montage of Brock’s short WWE career, since coming in last March. They skipped over the milestone beating of Hogan almost completely, so if that’s a sign of a further degeneration of issues between the sides, take it as that. It ends with his loss to Show, and then shows Lesnar pacing backstage as we go to pan the crowd, from the Hartford Civic Center in Hartford, Connecticut. I believe they had Wrestlemania 11 here. We trasmiditio in Espanol, ladies and sperm donors. And do not forget, in just, uh…twenty-four days Armageddon is upon us!
Cue graphic, tonight, Edge takes on The Big Show for the WWE title! “Who dat jumpin’ out the sky?” Come on. You know this one, folks. Yes, it’s Everybody Loves Reymond! And Hartford wants his beef, judging from the reaction. By the by, the latest edition of RAW magazine has Rey-Rey on the cover. That’s make every ten-year-old want one. His opponent will be JamieNobleBOAHwhoo! Along with Nidia.
Rey Mysterio Jr. V.S. Jamie Noble (w/ Nidia)
This one should be solid. I like Jamie in that he is a rare Cruiserweight who stays grounded without being boring in the ring. Jamie kicks Reymond to start things off, then fires him to the buckle headlong and starts stomping a mudhole in him. Without investing time in the walking it dry part, irish whip and the lil’ Mexican flies into the opposite buckle. Noble is in after him fast, but Rey raises a boot, Jamie sees it and catches it, and pulls Rey out toward the middle of the ring, eliminating his chance to use the ropes to do some Mexican magic trick. Good internal logic here. Rey is swinging but his little boybitch arms can’t reach Jamie, and then, for some odd reason, Jamie throws the leg down without inflicting any harm allowing Rey to leap and monkey flip the non-Mexican hick over, but the non-Mexican-hick lands on his non-Mexican-hick feet, showing some non-Mexican agility (which is rare). Rey then catches him with a standard dropkick. These Hartford peeps are hard off this match, even for the simple things, so Velocity must have been great. But that ain’t my territory. Running now is Rey, jumping on the mid-point of the second rope, then catches Jamie under the ears with the feet and head-scissors him down. Jamie makes everything look fantastic with his selling. He rolls out and has a conference with Nidia, but since this is a match and has nothing to do with winning a fraud of a reality series, the advice she can give is limited. Rey tries to do the T-ball slide…But Jamie is ready, ducks it, then shoulders Rey against the retaining barrier. I like these guys using as much of the ringside area as possible. Rey is rolled and Jamie’s on top of him, pulling him up and chucking his shoulder into the top buckle. Rey is hurtin’, and Noble now holds an arm and kicks away at the joint he’s working on. He drapes the arm over the rope and pulls it, continuing to work that joint while the ref puts the count on. Rey rolls under the rope and lies on the apron. Most people can’t get one shoulder on the apron without falling off, but a bath sponge is a King-Size bed to Rey Mysterio Jr., and so he can lie on it easily. Noble tries for the suplex to the inside, but any move that involves Rey’s feet in the air is a bad move. Rey lands behind, blocks and then fires a right, again, Noble with a right knee going to the midsection, then an Irish whip, another bad move. He throws Rey up for something and Rey turns it into a dropkick. Both men dazed, both men raise, both men charge and Noble’s clothesline misses, he turns and is flapjacked by Reymond, with a variation on the move that Rey adds which permits him to touch Noble’s ass and alters the hold in no other way. Jamie immediately gets to his feet as we all do when we get dropped on our faces, and eats spinning heel kick from Rey. A cover now and it’s the first of a match that is almost two minutes old now. A front-head-and-arm suplex is Noble’s next act, or as I know it, a Tazzplex. It garners a second near-fall. Tigerbomb to finish it, but no, Rey escapes at the arc on the move, got one arm loose and was able to wriggle free from there, lands behind and drop-toe-holds Noble into the rope. Then, naturally, the 619! Boom, gets it. He stands on the apron for the west-coast-pop, a cool move with a very, very homosexual name. Not a complaint, merely an observation. Nidia takes him off the apron and then, after a moment of gloating takes the positive audience reaction to mean Rey’s after her. She runs into the ring, Noble catches Rey, hurls him for a powerbomb it seems, Rey-Rey lands on the second rope, bounces back into the powerbomb position, and then hits the hurricanrana into the pin! It’s over, and peeps, as much as tried to describe that as succinctly as possible, make no mistake, it was one of the most gorgeous things I’ve ever seen in wrestling. Beautiful, beautiful move and one for the highlight reel. This one’s over at 2:52
Backstage, Brock is pacing “like the animal that he is” in Michael Cole’s words. Now, Brock, with that expression leaves me no choice but to assume he’s going searching for something to rape. He finds a room-full of guys, Cena, Eddy, Chavo, and Matt Hardy (Psst…Version 1.) This is a very small room. They all stop talking, because, y’know, the four of them couldn’t take Brock. He stars to leave, but Matt stops him. Matt: Hey, Brock. Hey buddy. Look, man I just wanna tell ya that I was really impressed with your performance at Survivor Series Sunday. I mean, it was awesome. You German suplexed the Big Show, you f-5’d the Big Show! That was incredible! It’s just too bad that your agent, Paul Heyman, had to go and screw you out of the title, that was terrible! But you know what if you had a few more Mattributes and maybe just little more Mattitude, maybe you wouldn’t have suffered such an unfortunate twist of fate. Brock smiles, then bashes Matt against a wall, then throws him through another one, which apparently was made by a pair of lazy pigs with a hard-working older brother. Through this felled wall we see Crash Holly lying on a table being orally pleasured by the trainer. They tidy up and ask Matt how he is before we hit a set of commercials.
After a replay of the fake wall throw, we come back to live action. Action in this case defined by Stephanie on her hands and knees….Attending to Matt Hardy. Eddy explains to her that Brock Lesnar did this. Eddy says: “…that Paul Heyman was right, Brock Lesnar IS a maniac. Loco! You know what Ma, I don’t feel safe here. If anything this is a very unsafe working environment here. Chavo: This is a VERY unsafe work environment. Eddy: I talking on behalf…I mean come on….(Stephanie cuts him off because she hates Hispanics. Or because Matt and the paramedic needed to get by. I’m not sure which.) I mean, if that was Kurt, who would I be wrestling tonight, if that was Chris, who would Chavo be wrestling tonight! Steph: Don’t worry guys… Chavo: WHO knows WHO Brock Lesnar will take out next? Steph: Don’t worry, I will take care of Brock Lesnar. (Eddy balks at the suggestion, then mutters in Spanish, calling Steph Mamacita and causing me to have violent spasms as I recall the past.) Eddy:..Without lacking respect for you, do you actually think Brock Lesnar is going to listen to a woman? Steph: Eddy…I run Smackdown! Not you, and not Brock Lesnar. I’ll take care of this.
For a second there, I really thought she was going to say she was not a woman. Thank God she didn’t. Because I don’t I can take back masturbation and I’d hate to think…Uh, never mind. Now we see JamieNobleBOAHwhoo! Sitting on a box backstage, dejected after losing to the diminutive Mexican, Rey Mysterio Jr. Nidia approached him, forcing him to look at her.
Nidia: Jamie…It’s gonna be okay. It’s fine. We—We just hit a patch of bad luck, that’s all. (I had a third cousin with a penchant for forgetting her birth control pills who once said the same thing but…uh…never mind.) Jamie: You don’t understand Nidia, it’s bigger n’ that, I let yew dahn, I let m’self dahn… Nidia: Don’t look at it that way…At least we still have each other. Jamie: I know that babee, but we ain’t got the cruiserweight title no more, and that good lahfe, that good lahfe we had…it’s gawn. And if we ever gon’ git it back, I know the one person we gotta call. (Jerry Jarrett’s phone rings. But it’s just a wrong number.) Nidia: No…No….Jamie Noble you are NOT calling that crazy cousin of yours. Jamie: Nidia, I ain’t got no choice… Nidia: Yes you do… Jamie: I know you don’t want me to call ‘im, and I really don’t wanna hafta call ‘im neither… Nidia: Then don’t… Jamie: I’ve made up mah mind, I gotta make this call, if we’re gonna get that good life back, I’ve gotta call my cousin Nunzio. Nidia: Ohh… Jamie: I don’t have a choice…
I wish I was making this up. Anyway, Brock is now being scolded by Stephanie. Steph: Brock, I know your upset about what Paul Heyman and the Big Show did to you at Survivor Series, but I will NOT tolerate what you just did to Matt Hardy. I cannot put the lives of Smackdown superstars in jeapordy. Listen, I know that I gave the first title shot against the Big Show to Edge, tonight, but Brock I promise you you WILL have your rematch. Just not tonight. Not until your ribs are healed up 100%, Brock. You know you could have punctured your long at Survivor Series, I can’t BELIEVE I let you talk me into that match! (That’s because you were looking at his crotch the whole time. Weren’t you, Steph? WEREN’T YOU!?!) But listen to me, if you so much as lay a hand on Paul Heyman, the Big Show or any other Smackdown then I’ll be forced to suspend you. This makes Brock stop pacing, stare at Steph, and then move away. And if we don’t get to a match soon I’m going to stab someone…Oh. A commercial.
We are back, and Mark Loyd is waiting with a microphone for some reason. Then, Billy “Fuck Transitions” Kidman is out, with his new Cruiserweight title and really, REALLY bad music that sounds like Alligators being fucked in the ass. As this match starts, I’d like to point out that it’s been almost fifteen minutes since a match. Tajiri is out now. This is our match, should be a doosy.
Billy Kidman (C) V.S. Tajiri
Cruiserweight Title on the line. Billy straight to armbar, Tajiri with a flip, and a go-behind, Billy grabs the head and neck, goes into the air, pulls ‘Teej forward with a snapmare. Billy goes for an arm-drag, but Tajiri reverses that, and William goes flying, both up, then Teej gets arm-dragged. Both up and…dramatic pause. Billy extends his hand after the kewl x-change, but Teej proves the Japanese untrustworthy and kicks the hand and the head in one fluid motion that uses both feet. You had to be there. A cover and a near-fall. Teej stomps, pulls up, scoop-slams, and drives the shin and another cover. Snapmare, and chin-lock. Note how Tajiri goes for frequent covers. It’s a little thing, but it makes a world of difference in whether a wrestler looks like he’s just assing around in there, or if he’s trying to win. Uh, oddly they show a replay of a kick they didn’t include in the match, but I’m not post-production. So back to the disjointed adventures of William Kidperson and Yoshihiro Tajiri, Kidman up and doing the Hogan shtick to escape the chinlock, elbows the guts, fires punches once the hold’s been released, fires Tajiri into the buckle, dives in Sting-style but Teej moves and Kids eats buckle. Tajiri off the ropes to capitalize, but Kidman with a sudden dropkick that floors Tajiri. A cover and a two. Kidman lifts Teej, but Teej falls behind him, Billy spins, feeds a leg and enziguri! Billy now, tries to position Teej for a shooting star press but Tajiri is ready, punches him, and makes the cover. Irish whip when they’re up, reversed, Tajiri hits the buckle, Kidman runs in and signature spot time. Tarantula! Now Tajiri sets up for the kick, Billy ducks, runs ducks a Tajiri clothesline as well, hits the hurricanrana! But he can’t make the cover because he hurt his mouth, apparently, which is no doubt herpes he got from Torrie. Anyway, Teej bridges out of the pinning predicament and horse kicks Billy in the back of the head. Another cover, but Billy kicks out. Teej tried for what looked the razor’s edge for a minute, which is reversed and Kidman has him in the Death Valley Driver position, then flips him forward (as one would for a DVD) and cradles the head so the neck lands across the knee. Interesting neck-breaker variation. A cover by the champ, but again a kickout. Another irish whip is performed, from Billy to Teej, and they do the cartwheel reverse elbow spot, and very well I might add. Tajiri then runs at William Kidperson, does that stairway climb with the front face lock for a tornado DDT but Kidman is wise to it and turns it into a spinebuster of sorts. No cover, and Kiddy goes for the Shooting Star Press, and that’s the ball game. (3:15)
Somehow how, coming out of that match, the announcers are telling us how we gotta respect Stephanie McMahon. Uh…Sure. Backstage, Mark Loyd is waiting. His eyes light up and the camera tells why. Big Show and Heyman are here. And Big Show is wearing a ridiculously huge suit like Andre wore around the time of Wrestlemania 3. Mark: I don’t know if you’ve heard, but Brock Lesnar is here tonight, he’s already put Matt Hardy through a wall, and he’s anxiously awaiting for you two to arrive. Paul: There’s a difference between Matt Hardy and the Big Show (bite my tongue), Mark, do you know what this is? (Holds up a cell phone.) It’s called communication. (Here I was thinking it was called a cell phone.) Welcome to the new millennium. Try to look into it. Yes, dummy, I know everything Brock Lesnar is up to tonight. But you know as well as I do that if Brock Lesnar lays one finger on my client, or on me, then Brock Lesnar will be suspend. So in other words… Show: So in other words, step aside! Because the NEW WWE champion is here! (They leave Loyd aside, sitting on a crate where Show got in his face, and once again, Loyd makes a facial expression like he was just raped, but can’t come to terms with the fact that he liked it.)
Here comes Benoit! Crisp Benoit! Why do I call him Crisp? Because everything he does is CRISPY CRISP! And cue the stereotypical Latin porno music, and Eddy and Chavo come down arm in arm. Eddy is sent away so Chavo must go it alone.
Chris Benoit V.S. Chavo Guerrero JR
To begin, Benoit with a kick, a punch, a whip and an elbow. Then a backbreaker and a cover. Flair chop, whip, and tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. A cover again. Another whip, Chavo goes sternum first into the buckle then gets caught with a German suplex as he flies back from the impact. Benoit pulls him up and tries for another, bit Chavo is not interested in anymore painful bumps just yet, standing switch, tries for the full-nelson suplex, or dragon if you prefer, another standing switch, then Chavo goes for the knees to the midsection. Then a backbreaker. Chavo fires on him, then a whip to the buckle, chest first, catches him and throws him shoulder first. Looks like they were going for the shoulder/post spot but Benoit was unwilling to take that bump and took it on the buckle pad instead. I’m glad. It would be real easy for Chris to wreck the neck again on that bump. Chavo sends him against the buckle another three times, then fires on the ribs that were sustaining the impact. Left ones. Chavo takes a powder, comes back, and gets chopped but kicks away on Benoit to get his control back. Crippler has no choice but to punch his way out of the buckle, and it’s working for a bit until Chavo goes back to those ribs with a boot, then Irish whips Benoit who reverses and gives chase but gets caught by a Guerrero elbow. Chavo tries to follow up with a clothesline but Benoit turns it into a crossface. Chavo rolls Benoit over and Benoit goes under the ropes. Nice escape. Chavo with a tope through the second and top ropes. Punch by Chavo, rolls in Chris, tries for the sling-splash from the apron, but Benoit was ready and raised the knees. Chavo back to work, though, European uppercut is thrown in there nicely. Irish whip, Benoit over the knee and school-boys Guerrero, then ducks the shot and hits another German. Well done and nice transitions. Benoit gets two on this one, and then a third. Chavo appears to take the brunt of these bumps on the left shoulder, which, I’ll admit, Tazz points out. So I don’t know what’s up with that, but I’d imagine that’s an unhealthy bump to take on such a small area. Benoit cuts his throat with the thumb, so we know what he’s doing next. Crippling himself. Flying headbutt is nailed and looks beautiful. Another near-fall. Benoit goes to capitalized, but Chavo is ready for him and starts shouldering the ribs again. Smart, smart, match. Why can’t these young guys figure out not to forget about working a part of the body? Guerrero tries to whip Benoit out of the corner they’ve gotten into, but Benoit is wise to it, and kicks him. Then, he drops the midsection across the top rope. Chavo is standing on the apron, recovering, Benoit goes for him, and Guerrero shoulderblocks the ribs again. He is so good. Now a springboard something-or-other, though it’s hard to tell what…But Benoit is ready and has a crossface for the airborne Guerrero. A meagre attempt to escape, but then, the tap-tap-tap. (4:49) Great internal logic, the one dumb chance Chavo took, the one time he forgot about the ribs, it cost him the match.
Now, backstage with Steph and Brock. Steph: Thank you for maintaining your composure when Paul and Big Show arrived. But you might want to stay back here because they’re on their way to the ring. Brock: What? Steph: I have to grant them some airtime. Big Show is the WWE Champion, like it or not. And I really don’t think that you should listen to what Paul has to say. Brock: Oh yeah? And why’s that? Steph: Because Paul Heyman’s going to do everything in his power to provoke you Brock. Paul KNOWS you’re not 100%, he KNOWS your ribs are all busted up, Brock, and for your own good, for your own safety I need you to stay back here. You’re a valuable commodity to Smackdown, I won’t let you hurt yourself. If you so much as lay a hand on Paul Heyman or the Big Show, I don’t want to do it, but I will be forced to suspend you. Brock: That’s BULLSH*T.
Pointless profanity designed to elicit cheers, of which it gets none. And a commercial. We return to a Bill Demott is coming promo…In which he yells at and bullies non-athletes and pussed-out cronies who have to kiss his ass on Tough Enough. Yeah, well, big man. But those kids didn’t team you with Mike Awesome, that was Vince. So redirect your anger. Anyway, back in the arena, Paul comes out with a fairly accurate imitation of Brock. Tazz calls Heyman wearing the title “sacrilege”. Y’know, for someone who supposed to be the anti-Vince, Heyman is giving himself a LOT of attention in writing these shows. Paul: Made it, Ma, TOP O’ THE WORLD! Y’know, it only happens once in a lifetime. Once in a lifetime there comes a man so special that everyone realized this guy is different. This one is head and shoulders above the rest. This guy is so extraordinary that he has no peers. He can conquer all his fears. Once in a lifetime do you get to see a guy come along, that has that, that intangible it factor that separates him from every single other guy. And let’s give credit where credit is due, since the day after Wrestlemania, you have had the pleasure of witnessing the extraordinary greatness of….PAUL HEYMAN. (A sign reads “Paul Heyman is a backstabber”. The way I see it, Brock got off easy. If he didn’t miss any cheques and didn’t set himself on fire, he should count his blessings and go home.) Ohh. You all know it to be true. You know for a fact that it was Paul Heyman that dubbed Brock Lesnar “the next big thing”. You watched me lead Brock Lesnar to win the King of the Ring! You marvelled at how I plotted the strategy of ending the career of Hollywood Hulk Hogan, and then you all witnessed how I gave Brock Lesnar all the tools necessary to beat the Rock for this title at Summerslam! I also know that you had to appreciate the sacrifice I made, when I helped Brock Lesnar win Hell in the Cell, against the Undertaker. But then you see the monster stopped listening to Dr. Frankenstein! I had to show Brock Lesnar who was boss! I had to show Brock that the key to his success was not only his great physical attributes, but also MY MIND! And so, this past Sunday I taught him a lesson. Because I want all the credit to go to me! Because I single-handedly engineered the greatest inside job in the history of sports entertainment, when I personally cost Brock Lesnar the WWE title in Madison Square Garden, at Survivor Series, to my NEW client. My seven foot tall client. My 500 pound client. A client who DOES listen to me, who DOES recognize my brialliance, and who understands me for the mastermind that I truly am. And now the giant of body meets the colossus of mind, and I ask you Brock, who holds this title now. The answer is my client. Ladies and gentlemen: the new WWE Champion, my new client, the BIG SHOW.
The shmuck in the Andre suit comes down. They hug. I find myself strangely aroused. Big’s got the mic. This should be stirring.
Show: I would like to thank Brock Lesnar, I would like to thank Brock Lesnar for giving me the opportunity to wrestle him for this title at Survivor Series. I would like to thank Brock Lesnar for being so hot-headed, and leaving the door wide open so that I could walk in and take everything that he had! I’m seven foot tall, 500 pounds. And simply I was man enough to do it. I am a giant. Brock, I took your agent. I took your title. I took your whole damn life away from you! And what probably bothers you the most? There wasn’t a damn thing you could do about it. And not only am I a Giant, I’m focused. Determined. Defending champion, with the most brilliant mind in our business today behind me. And Edge…It’s your opportunity to try and take this title away from me. But there NO way…I’m giving it up. Paul: I just want to take a liberty to add one more thing. Brock Lesnar, I just want to publicly state, I hereby DUMP YOU AS MY CLIENT. And although this has nothing to do with business, this is just a little personal Brock, my last act as your agent occurred late last week right before Survivor Series, when I negotiated a final clause, and that clause is called NO REMATCH!
Well. That was tidy. I really wish Heyman would talk less. He talks a lot but says so very little. And, as Heyman and Show make their way up the ramp, Brock runs through the crowd, grabs a chair, and heads up the ramp. Show is going to meet him till he sees the chair, then turns and runs three strides, a new record no doubt, and gets blasted from behind…hee hee hee…with the chair. Havoc ensues…Commercial.
During the break, Steph bellowed shrilly and made me mute it. I think what she said is she would suspend him for sure if he did that again. Kurtis Chester Angle is out! Why do I call him that, all the e-mails wanted to know? Because look at him. Tell me that’s not his name. You know it is. Oh by the way, there a Smackdown special next week on Thanksgiving, and even though they know the the ratings will be down because people will be, spending time with their families…They’re putting Steiner on it.
Kurt Angle V.S. Eddy Guerrero
Chavo gets sent back, like before. Side headlock by Kurt, drags Eddy over and puts weight on him, headscissor to escape by Eddy, Kurt kickout to escape that, back to headlock for Kurtis. Eddy tries to get out with a top wristlock but Kurt’s height and leverage works to bring it back down into the headlock. Eddy backs Kurt into the ropes, fires him off freeing himself, but the shoulderblock sends Eddy down. Very hard. Eddy rolls out. Eddy milks a three, then comes back in. They do the twinkling fingers thing like they’re going to do some more amateur grappling, but Eddy with a quick closed fist and a headlock. Kurt does the same escape routine that Eddy did before, backing, firing off the ropes, and shoulderblock, and this time Kurt gets dropped. Stays down, rolls over, Eddy hops overtop Kurt, Angle gets up as Eddy continued to run the ropes and catches Guerrero with a huge bodydrop. Kurt jumps onto Eddy with a monkeyflip, and it works firing Eddy from one corner a good 3/5’s across the ring. Kurt now follows up with some fists in the corner, then irish whips Eddy, Guerrero ducks a clothesline, gets caught on the rebound, and…a snapping spinebuster, Booker T style. Blam! Angle removes clothing and a crowd of mostly men cheer. Eddy rolls out, Kurt pursues and sick-looking tackle into the stairs downs the Olympic hero. If only Kurt listened to the ref, who suggested he remain in the ring…sigh. Never mind. Eddy rolls him in, then retrieves two steel chairs. Announcing exchange of the night comes when Michael Cole, in a moment of pure retardation asks at this point “What’s he doing with two chairs…?” to which Tazz brilliantly responds, “I guess he MIGHT wanna hit Kurt Angle, Cole, don’t y’think?” Anyway, Eddy goes in rather obviously, with the first chair and has the other one leaning against the apron. When the ref takes the first one away from him, he nabs his backup chair to use while the ref gingerly disposes of the steel chair he captured initially. And the ref gives him a lot of time, because he gets rid of that first one as if it were made out of the last piece of toilet paper Elvis used. Tazz again goes for commentator of the year when he remarks the ref should “get that hearing aid fixed” when the ref is oblivious to the loud noise of a chair hitting a back. I mean, Jesus…The entire crowd can see and hear it, what are the odds the depressed Zebra can’t. These are just the little things that don’t need to go on in wrestling in 2002. The stuff we DON’T have to expect as part of our suspension of disbelief. Irish whips, yes. Deaf officials? Nah. That aside, I love this spot, it shows Eddy to be smarter than your average heel. Like when Jericho just goes into the ring with a chair for no reason. It like, Jericho? What the fuck did you think you were doing? Anyway, Eddy got the near-fall on that spot. Then Kurt channels pretty much every white wrestler at some point in his career, and no-sells and punches and shoulders Eddy into a corner. He whips him out now, opposite buckle, runs in after him and Eddy’s trying to get away, but Kurt grabs, pushes him back, and fires HAYMAKERS! Yes…I feel Gorilla Monsoon writing this recap with me. ROUNDHOUSE RIGHTS! And then another whip, but Guerrero with a reversal and a hard smash of Angle into that buckle that sends Kurt flying forward onto his face. Beautiful sale. Eddy has near-success with a great northern lights suplex. Then a camel clutch is applied, and the ignorant fans begin a USA chant as if to infer that Eddy is not a real American just because he knows something other than English. Say what you will about them rallying behind Kurt, but they wouldn’t chant this if Kurt was working against Lesnar…or Hogan. Or even Benoit for that matter. Reminds me of Wrestlemania 9, when they chanted USA during the Bret Hart/Yokozuna match, in which neither man was said to be from the States (though, in retrospect, Yoko was as American as Apple Pie and unwarranted bombings). Angle has the luck of the Irish in his all American body now, and gets to his feet, but that dirty Hispanic rakes the eyes, snapmares Kurt over, and then steps on his face. Forearm shiver. Another northern lights attempt proves the age-old wrestling convention that the second obscure suplex used within three or four minutes of its predecessor is never successful. Kurt makes a DDT out of it, a scary one because he landed earlier than Eddy and slipped off him, so Eddy landed on his head with little protection. Undaunted, Guerrero is still in it however, and thank God. Chavo is now back to watch things from a worm’s eye view, ignoring his ban, just as Eddy and Angle come to blows after a “lying there because we’re both too hurt to move” spot the ref got to 5 on. Eddy looks like he’s winning, but then Kurt nails a couple solid rights and a whip, no reversal, Kurt running, two clotheslines missed by Eddy and Kurt gets a flying forearm. Then another whip, to the buckle, and then off the ropes and cranking with a clothesline. Another near-fall. Another whip, and this time Eddy turns Kurt over with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, and the sound makes you wonder who it hurt more. Chavo is progressing slowly. He doesn’t want the ref to see him creeping. He doesn’t mind if cameras show his actions to the dozen of them backstage. It’s that one in the ring that matters. Eddy tries for a vertical, but Kurt is wise to it, lands behind and cranks a German. Rolls over and follows with another. Jesus these are stiff. Eddy gets to the ropes before a third, the ref checks Eddy instead of Kurt, I guess to tell him that the rule of a hold breaking when you get to the ropes only applies to whites, but Eddy with a low-blow. Well veiled. He chucks Kurt out and Chavo gets his kicks in with a sprint down the ramp. He sprints back to the mid-point so as not to arose suspicion. But there’s a silhouette at the top of the ramp, it has short arms. It’s Chris Benoit. He stays at the top, Chavo stays in the middle of the ramp, and Eddy stays on Angle with kicks and punches. He goes back in, and leaves Chavo another opening to this time whip Angle into the post. He goes back to his perch at the mid-ramp, and apparently is moonwalked to get there or is near-sighted because he’s facing the ring by the time the camera focuses on him and seems to have no Earthly idea that Benoit’s behind him. Not that it matters because The Wolverine seems to have no intention whatsoever of intervening on his part-time partner’s behalf. Back in the ring now a sling-senton splash makes all the difference in the world for Eddy, endowing him with the confidence to slaps his nips and scream before locking in the Lasso from El Paso. Kurt rolls through and makes it an ankle lock…But Eddy works it back into the Lasso! No…Back to the ankle lock, no can’t get it on all the way, can’t turn him over before Guerrero kicks him off. Eddy misses a clothesline and gets another German…And like ALL Germans, this one’s very stiff. Kurt can feel it now…Goes for the Angle Slam…Eddy loosens himself pushes Kurt, and Chavo has moved to the apron and hops off before a collision takes place. The ref has noticed him and shouts racial slurs until he returns to the mid-ramp, still with his back to the stage. Back in-ring, Eddy blasts a brainbuster. And again…note how the severity and intensity of the move selection increases with the time and drama of the match. That’s what makes a good wrestler. Eddy now, feelin’ froggy…Going for it, but Kurt gets up in time to crotch Eddy. Chavo returns to the apron, and gets knocked off. Then Angle managed to Angle-Slam Eddy off the top rope! It’s over at 9:40. Chavo attacks from behind, but he’s just Mexican, so Angle wraps him in the ankle lock and he taps, while Benoit applauds Kurt’s performance and Angle hobbles up the ramp toward him dejectedly. We’re going to a commercial, but when we return Edge will try to convince us he has a gay man’s chance in the Army of winning the belt tonight!
But first…A Big Poppa Pump promo, ending in the words, Boom Shaka Laka. And they say Vince is out of touch with today’s audience. All we need is for JR to yell: “Whoop there it is, bah gawd!” every time Steiner hits a suplex, and the ratings will be back to 8’s in no time. Funaki: This is Funaki, Smackdown, numba won, announca! And I’m here to get the story with Edge. You face the Big Show for the title tonight. Your thoughts? Edge: Well Funaki, the first thing that comes to mind is just how huge the Big Show is. I mean the dude’s 7 feet tall. He’s also 500 very large pounds. (Okay…He’s got a toque on, folks, and I SWEAR he must have an earpiece on, because Hogan HAS to be feeding him these lines. Once he says something about bones going “snap, crackle, and pop” we’ll know for sure.) Funaki: He reminds me of Godzilla. (Odd, because Godzilla has a much better work rate than Show. He’s a better draw too.) Edge: He reminds you of Godzilla, but don’t worry, we’re not in Tokyo. As a matter of fact, we’re in Hartford, Connecticut. (Cheap pop…I miss Foley.) And tonight, you’ll just have to pretend that I’m a big hairy ape, named King Kong. And like everyone knows, King Kong always kicks Godzilla’s ass. (Not to remind you all how much of a loser I am, but in the original King Kong V.S. Godzilla, they battle all the way into the sea, and then you see a far shot of one of them swimming further out to sea, foe vanquished. Not only does it look like a reptile, despite the long shot, but it’s swimming FURTHER OUT TO SEA! Why would a mammal do that? The American narration dub claims it’s King Kong, but I’m sure in the Japanese film, and it IS a Japanese film, Godzilla wins. Just a personal note to get across what a loser I am.) But in all seriousness, tonight is one of the biggest nights of my career. This is my first ever shot at the WWE championship, here on Smackdown. And I know that chances like this don’t come around every day, so you’re damn right I’m gonna make the most of it. I know it’s not gonna be easy; fighting a five hundred pound giant never is, and I’m probably gonna get tossed around like a rag doll, yeah I’m gonna roughed up, but that’s the price I’m willing to pay to beat the Big Show. That’s the price I’m willing to pay to make my lifelong dream come true. And THAT is the price I’m willing to pay to become the WWE champion.
We’ll fund out how much is paid…2nite…
And now, for some reason Smackdown pays homage to the 10-year anniversary of RAW and shows a classic Raw Moment. It is the Rock and Sock connection clip. Which needs no further explanation. With that done, bad music and bad clothes hold back “Ruthless” John Cena. He’ll be jobbing shortly, in his hot pink shorts, to a fat man in a thong. It’s the Kish.
John Cena V.S. Rikishi
God Jesus please let this be short. Um…Interrupting the match before it starts is Dawn Marie and Al. Looks like they decided to put all the bathroom segments into one portion of the show. Dawn says nothing other than that she wants to invite all the smackdown fans. Al then says the exact same thing. Then they make out. As gross as that is, Al deserves it more than Vince. A commercial.
Now we join the match in progress. Thank God. Cena with a clothesline. Then a back suplex. Impressive strength by Cena, but the announcers miss it to make “Al Wilson is so old” jokes. Bastards. Then a chinlock, which Kish slowly rectifies with elbows. He whips Cena, who does the sunset flip let me try to pull this guy down on me even though it’s clearly not working spot, which Kish tries to end by sitting on a man’s face. Cena moves. Then does the same thing to Rikishi, who pushes him off and out of the ring at two. Ironically, by NOT being a fat sack of shit, Cena is less effective in this match. He runs back in and gets in Kish’s face, and it becomes obvious someone trying to ruin his career just by the facial expressions he’s making. Kish throat-thrusts him down. Kish does the sloppy samoan drop thing, squashes him in the corner, and belly-to-belly’s him to end it. He tries to do the banzai drop but it looks like Johnny the Bull…No Bull Buchanan is running in. I ask God why, but he offers no explanation. In response, He just mutters something about turning his back for five minutes and “look what happens”. He puts Kish on his shoulders (!) and drills him and then he and Cena leave together.
Paul and Show in the locker room. Paul:…Brock’s a ruthless animal. I know. Did you see that look in his eye? He wants rip me limb from limb! Show: He wants to rip you limb from limb? Did you see what he did to me? He about broke my spine in half with that chairshot! I can’t wrestle tonight Paul. I can’t go out and wrestle Edge with my title on the line, with my spine like this. He almost broke it in half! There’s no way I can compete tonight. You’ve gotta go to Stephanie’s office, you’ve gotta get Lesnar off my back, and most of all you’ve gotta tell her I can’t compete tonight. Paul: You want me to leave the safety this locker room and walk out there when Brock Lesnar’s walking around? Show: Look at me. You go to Stephanie’s office. You get Brock Lesnar off my back. You get me OUT of this match with Edge. I can’t compete, my back is killing me! Paul: (Intimidated.) Okay. I’m your agent. And that’s what I’ll do. Okay?
We return to Torrie talking about how psyched her music gets her, or how it makes her feel sexy because she doesn’t consider herself sexy. If there’s anything more annoying than a hot chick who knows it, it’s a hot chick who knows it and denies that she does.
Steph and Paul. Steph: What the hell’s the matter with you? Paul: Where’s Brock Lesnar? Steph: I don’t know where he is. Paul: YOU DON’T KNOW!?! I’m sorry. Brock is a ruthless animal, the likes of which YOU have never dealt with in your life. I know him better than anybody. He’s hellbent on revenge right now and nothing…Nothing is going to stop Brock Lesnar if he wants revenge on the Big Show and me. And just so you know, because we’re friends, The Big Show is in no condition to defend the title tonight. I’m sorry. Steph: What do you mean? Paul: Brock waylaid my client with that chair! And that’s not just a normal man swinging a chair, that BROCK LESNAR swinging that chair! My client is no condition to defend the title, not mentally, not emotionally, and not physically. You’re gonna have to find another main event… Steph: You’re gonna have to GET your client into mental, physical, and emotional shape because make no doubt about it, the Big Show WILL defend the title tonight. Paul: What assurances do you offer me that Brock Lesnar is not going to viciously attack my client again? In the interest of safety, to protect your own company tell me something… Steph: I assure if Brock Lesnar interferes in the Big Show’s match tonight, I WILL suspend him. Paul: Oh like you did before? Like you threatened to, and then you didn’t, but you threatened to, and then he attacked Big Show with a chair… Steph: Paul…I guarantee…if he interferes tonight, I WILL suspend Brock Lesnar. Is that good enough for you. (I don’t see why it should be…) Paul: Fine…Just for old time’s sake, so there’s no misunderstanding between us…If, by some chance Brock Lesnar attacks my client, and if by some chance Brock Lesnar attacks me, if I’m still alive…I’ll sue you, I’ll sue your father, I’ll sue your whole freakin’ family, and I’ll sue Smackdown right into the ground. Steph demands he leave, as the thought of another lawsuit to the company fills her head with images of Pandas being mutilated. Commercials.,
Well, Edge us out now, to meet the Giant.
Edge V.S. Big Show (C) (WWE Title)
Edge is already backed into a corner as the match begins. Twice he tries to run out and twice he gets tossed back in by one of Big Show’s hands. Show charges, double ax, but Edge moves and then punches him. Irish whip by Edge, reversal, big boot by Show, Edge ducks it, then dropkick to the knee. Three hard kicks to the same knee, now. A ducked shot, and Edge jumps on Big’s back to try for the Edge-O-Matic, Big grabs the hands and pulls them apart, grabs Edge, for a sideslam, Edge spins, lands on his feet and dropkick, this time to the face. Edge runs the ropes, and Show tires of selling and blasts him with a clothesline. When you’re that big, you need to do very little to make your clothesline look good. Edge gets pulled up, hammered, and slapped in the corner…Hiptoss throws…stands on the neck, big backbreaker…Classic big man offence, which the crowd acknowledges with a Big Show sucks chant. The beats continue till Edge catches Big Show with a boot when Show waits for a big back body. Then Edge kicks him again and goes for the Edgecution…Cute…But not gonna happen. Show lifts and throws Edge like he were…a bag of…Rey JR. Edge stands on the apron, gets pulled back and hammered with a Big Show mitt. He falls off the apron to the floor. Edge is bashed into the post, then gets rolled in. Edge is trying to fight his way up, Show steps on him. Edge still fights his way up with some punches, but Show grabs hair and punches Edge in the chops to send him down. Now, a bearhug, some throttling, and a throw. Edge is pulled up again and the executes a vertical suplex…Apparently he’s expanding. Show now, rips off a buckle pad, tries to send Edge in, Edge blocks, then catches the running Show with a drop-toe-hold into the exposed metal. Now Edge goes up top and tries for a clothesline but get caught for the chokeslam. He low-kicks Show to save himself. Then…A very good-looking tornado DDT. A near-fall. Edge is convincing these people he could win. Now…Edge needs three spears to down Show, and has it won…But Heyman pulls Edge off. That, I think might be a mistake. Making Show look so weak so early on is not the way to go. Edge chases Heyman around the ring, as if he has not watched one wrestling match his whole life and never seen how this works out. When he finally catches Heyman, Show reaches down and clasps the throat before chokeslamming him to hizzell. Show remains standing on this one…Which makes it look devastating. Heyman grabs a microphone and demands Show treat Edge like he’s Brock Lesnar. Another chokeslam and again, he stays standing on it. Finally…A third one, and Show goes down with him on this one. He looks like he fell out of fatigue more than anything else. Before the cover…However….Brock runs down, ignoring suspension threats, or unable to understand 3-sylable words, Brock comes down, hoists Show up and F-5’s him one more time…Awesome show of power here that sends the fans into a frenzy. Then Lesnar chases Heyman to a limo, which Paul escapes into leaving Lesnar behind. And credits are up…WILL BROCK BE SUSPENDED….I’LL TELL YOU AFTER YOU’VE ALREADY WATCHED THE SHOW…NEXT WEEK!
"My name is Hogan's My Dad..." Support Group: "Hi Hogan's My Dad!" "It's has been 134 days since I last felt insecure about my abnormally small penis." (Support Group applauds.) "I now believe that 3 inches is enough to satisfy any woman." (Support Group is silent.)
re HHH: Sorry, HMD, but I could not think of a more fitting injury for Trip to get than a crushed larynx. What's this? HHH CAN'T TALK ANYMORE? OH NO! I may have to wear sackcloth and ashes. What's more, I might have to start watching RAW again, because the suck factor just dropped a significant amount... Of course, Trip dropped the belt to another Clique member, so it's not like RAW's going to improve *that* much. My friend Jeff pointed out that RAW was exactly like the Poochy episode of the Simpsons-- instead of every scene featuring the character, every scene had everyone talking about the character. So, even without Trip there, RAW still managed to be all about fellating Mr. Levesque's ego.
I've never loved a botched spot more. Thank you, RVD, from the bottom of my heart, for that unintentional package of Poetic Justice. Honestly, I haven't liked RVD this much since his days of feuding with Jerry Lynn back in ECW.
On to Smackdown!
Just to let you know, the spot that finished the Noble/Rey match was kind of like Dragon Kid's "Dragon's Ray" rana, except that Rey did the spot off the ropes rather than the turnbuckles, and honestly, he did it about a thousand times cleaner and less telegraphed than DK does it. Also, DK *never* wins with that move. Mind you, I'm a big fan of Dragon Kid, but that's not one of his better moves. Rey and Noble continue to impress the hell out of me.
Matt Hardy continues to be one of the best things about the WWE. *Classic* performance.
They really should have given Brock and Steph some sexual tension-- hell, if she can have sexual tension with Benoit, she can certainly have it with Brock...
"Nunzio..." I guess Little Guido's going to be Noble's cuz and not Spanky... huh.
Billy Kidman better get down on his knees and thank whatever higher power he recognizes EVERY SINGLE DAMN NIGHT for allowing him to date Torrie. I don't know, he could be a perfectly nice guy, but he needs to watch the tape of Brock (or Red, or Magnum TOKYO, for that matter) busting out the Shooting Star Press and then start doing it like that.
My local UPN station CUT TO COMMERCIAL DURING THE FINISHING SEQUENCE OF CHAVO/BENOIT. Right after the headbutt, and then someone realized the fuckup right as Chavo was tapping out. THEY MUST ALL DIE.
As far as I'm concerned, they could have a show that was *just* the Smackdown Six, week after week, and I'd never feel even vaguely tempted to watch anything else.
Why is Scott Steiner on my television screen? Oh yeah, because there is no god and therefore nothing to bring justice to an unjust world other than the will of the people, who apparently have all the willpower of an alcoholic being sprayed with a firehose attached to a tank full of Jack Daniels.
At least the Obligatory Al And Dawn Sequence was a) short and b) used to pare down Keesh/Cena, but WHY IS AL WILSON ON MY TELEVISION SCREEN AT ALL? DOES HE HAVE PICTURES OF VINCE BUGGERING A CUB SCOUT TROOP? WHAT THE HELL?
Oh yay. Bull Buchanan is back. Be still, my beating heart. I may just vomit all over myself out of sheer, unadulterated enthusiasm.
Edge/BS was not nearly as bad as it could have been... BS sold nearly three whole moves! Tell me again why they're pushing BS?
On the whole, eminently watchable SD, even if WWE tries their best to piss me off between the good matches.
Originally posted by skorpio17BTW, no way Big Show should've sold even one of those three Edge spears. Unless Edge turns into Rhyno, Brock, or Goldberg, I don't want to see Big Show laying down for some weak-ass spear.
I beg to differ. He may be the WWE Champion, but he's still one of the big men that the smaller-but-still-big men get to beat up so that they look good. Plus, I really think Edge could be champ by, say, Backlash. It's never too early to start making him a legitimate threat. Hey, Brock's not getting a rematch (yeah, right), so have Edge hold it for a while.
Why do I watch? Because every episode has the potential to be the best one ever, and I'll be DAMNED if I'm gonna miss that one after sitting through this shit.
ayakoholic- dude, my point remains. I am no fan of trips, but his absence alone will not guarantee a good raw. And I'm sorry, but no matter what he did I don't think being unable to breathe (which has to be scary as fuck) is "fitting". I still wish him well. thanks for reading, tho.
Guru- I'll mind your suggestion for next week's piece, and thanks again for the opportunity.
skorpio17- thanks for the kind words. And at 6'5...I can buy Edge spearing B.S. If he's going to be a giant bitch, let him be everyone with a future's. I mean, who has a better chance of drawing three years from now? Edge or Show? I'd wager Edge...since no one can recover from how Show's been booked.
gugs-hey...another post in a recap thread is wonderful thing as far as I'm concerned. hope i can lure you back for next week's recap
Mr Heel II- wild and zany are both my middle names, and I'm glad i could get to you with the dirty line. thanks for the compliment and i intend to keep it up...just you keep reading.
thanks all...a few reactions a week and I'll do this till my nuts fall off.
My best quotes from the NOV. 21 Smackdown Recap: -"a bath sponge is a King-Size bed to Rey Mysterio Jr" -"He stands on the apron for the west-coast-pop, a cool move with a very, very homosexual name." -"Through this felled wall we see Crash Holly lying on a table being orally pleasured by the trainer." -"Here comes Benoit! Crisp Benoit! Why do I call him Crisp? Because everything he does is CRISPY CRISP!" -"The shmuck in the Andre suit comes down. They hug. I find myself strangely aroused."
Thank you for the compliments. The main reason that I never used to write columns is that I never felt compelled to take the time to write, and then by the time I did, somebody had already said what I wanted to, so it wasn't really worth while.