Thanks to everybody for all the positive feedback from last week's writeup, both here and on Twitter. (If you're more old school, I still accept email at email@example.com!)
CABLE GUIDE SEZ:New, HD, "Like More Than a Friend", (2011), Exes Ron and Sammi try to work on their friendship, but prove that old habits die hard. Also: Mike tries taking his friendship with Snooki to the next level, while Pauly and Deena consider doing the same. (Reality).
Amazingly, this, the second episode of the fourth season, is the **FIRST** time that this show actually airs in HD!
(Click on non segment title images to enlarge!)
PREVIOUSLY ON JERSEY SHORE: TV-14-DLS CC en español and I didn't notice it last week, but they blurred out the airline logo of the plane the guys got off of - we can only imagine the reasons for THAT decision. I don't know if you're aware, but the cast went to Italy and immediately started plotting ways to pair off. If you missed the episode, don't worry - we got you covered (The W).
Opening credits! Get crazy! Get wild! Let's party! Get loud! Just flash them titties! This is episode 402 of "Jersey Shore," premiering 8/11/11 on MTV.
Damn, this night at OTEL has lasted AN ENTIRE WEEK. We're STILL as flabbergasted as Ron at the tonsil hockey Mike is attempting on Snooki! ** NOW PLAYING: Bobble Head - RoBoDic (The W at Amazon) ** Dancing, dancing, dancing. More rehash of last week as Deena and Pauly exchange "I love yous" (but they're just "one of the guys" "I love yous," I'm sure) and then we get the kiss again. Everyone squeals again. Ron says "I called that!" but I'm not sure when him calling that made last week's episode. Vinny quotes Pauly in proclaiming this "the best day of my life!" and since Ron isn't falling on his hiney, he joins Vinny saying it this time. To us, Pauly proclaims Deena a good kisser! Deena: "Let's hook up and cuddle." "Yeah, I know!" To us, Deena reveals her carefully thought out master plan: "My game plan is: flirt with Pauly, make out with him a coupla times, and then who knows? Maybe his Italian sausage will end up in my (as God is my witness, I have no idea what colourful euphamism ended up behind this bleep)." Meanwhile, attention turns to Snooki - what was Mike trying to do with her? He was trying...well, SOMETHING, but she wanted no part of it. Let's move on! ** NOW PLAYING: Liviu Hodor f/ Tara - Happy for You ** Now it's Snooki to Pauly D: "F*** Deena, please." Well, there you go. Pauly says it'll probably happen, but he's apprehensive that it'll do something to Deena, feelings-wise. Snooki says there's nothing to worry about, but Pauly knows better. If he fucks her and then fucks OTHER girls, he doesn't want her to CRY. To us: "Never in my life have I met a girl that could just hook up and have no feelings. They always end up having some kind of feelings...somewhere." Pauly chats up another girl, wants the nombre, si, but she has a boyfriend. Aie! Over to Snooki and Jwoww, where Snooki is bringing Jenni up to speed. Pauly wants to fuck Deena, but "with no strings attached." Jwoww is worried that Deena WILL get feelings. Snooki suddenly remembers how her friendship with Vinny was all weirded out and doesn't want to see Deena and Pauly's friendship ruined. Jwoww foresees Deena waking up the next morning, thinking "...I like Pauly...and THEN what?" Quick cut back to Pauly! He's dancing with another girl! Deena walks by and is ready to demand some attention, but before THAT can happen, Jenni grabs her and pulls her away for...I'm guessing ANOTHER conversation. Yep, girl talk. While Pauly continues to dance, we follow the girls. Deena sounds more than inebriated at this point as she insists to Jenni that "If I do sex to him, it is what it is." To us, Jwoww says she feels they're gonna smush, it's just a matter of timing - when and where.
With all that out of the way, everybody's into cabs to get home. In the fellas' cab, Pauly tells Vinny that if he could just hook up with Deena tonight for him, he'd appreciate it. Vinny tells Pauly he's a really nice guy. In another cab - well, I guess Mike is with the ladies, with one arm around Snooki, who is too busy telling Deena to make sure it doesn't end up like her and Vinny to pay much attention to Mike's arm around her shoulder. "You just want to get it in!" "Yeah, exactly." Deena trips on the way in for our amusement. Jenni demands directions to the nearest bathroom so as not to pee in public (again). I guess it's a bigger house than I thought!
Now to the balcony, where Deena is having a marionette named Pierre do the Jersey turnpike. Why? Why not? Now to Ronnie on the phone with RONNIE'S FRIEND HANNAH. She's been "helping him out" during his time away from Sammi, and I think we all know what that means. Ronnie ALSO sounds quite inebriated! How many hours ahead of the east coast is Italy? I'm thinking five. So it's probably prime time wherever Hannah is. Ronnie tells us how happy he is to have a normal conversation without fighting. Back on the phone call, Ronnie is wondering when Hannah is gonna come visit. So I guess we can look forward to seeing her some time down the road? Back to Sammi, who is finding Deena and Pierre. While explaining Pierre's most recent exploits (jumping off a ledge, hitting the jacuzzi), Deena trips down a staircase and almost knocks out her front teech on the jacuzzi. Sammi lets us know that Deena falls all the time!
Everybody's getting ready for bed, I think. Deena loudly asks where her spoon is (for some Nutella? They have NUTELLA in Italy?) Vinny says Pauly can probably help with that. Night vision shows everybody asleep - or getting there. Deena tells us that she definitely wants to smush Pauly - they could be, like, you know, "friends with benefits (makes that face)." Deena approaches Pauly, who is either asleep or doing a wonderful job pretending to be asleep. Deena walks off, and apparently has such a giant wedgie that her entire butt is blurred out. Well, that's a shame. We take one more shot of Pauly, who... opens his eyes. WHAT DOES IT MEAN? WAS HE ASLEEP? Well...now we all have a lot to think about.
COMING UP: The Situation can make Snooki happy if Jionni can't!
LATER: Jenni tries to make a cup of coffee! It's gonna be HILARIOUS!
We segue right into "BLOCKBUSTER SITUATION" which means "here's an ad for a movie." I believe that by the time this show is over, you will have seen all of "30 Minutes or Less" because this ad is SO long that the only other commercial during this ad break was for the long obsolete Video Music Awards
Pauly's up first - Pauly is ALWAYS up first - while we survey the sleepers, I believe we are once again treated to a blurred out butt...as if butts would push things way past TV-14 or something. Pauly has his horn. HONK. HONK. Jumping on Vinny's bed. Honks for everybody. Ronnie doesn't budge. Actually, nobody gets up quickly and Pauly has some quality alone time. Now everybody's up and ready to head up. "Nice windbreaker, bro!" and Vinny and Pauly do a very comical high five to keep this show moving.
We're outside! Well, Mike, Vinny, Pauly and Deena (MVPD!) are outside. They remark on the unreal quality of their surroundings, and Vinny offers that it's a bit like "Beauty and the Beast" where he expects shutters to fly open and singing people to appear. Pauly tells us that it's Sunday, and because they want to continue their tradition of Sunday family dinner, they need to procure some foodstuffery in preperation thereto. (He doesn't quite say it like that.) Deena: "Can we get a pineapple?"
Inside the store, our heroes are somehow surprised to learn that all of the labels are in a language that isn't English. Pauly wants some wheat bread, leading Deena to ask "is this wheat?" about A MILLION times. Deena tells us that nothing's in English! Pauly can't figure out which one's the shampoo.
Back home again - Sammi volunteers herself and Deena to cook. We do a quick survey of the room for comical double takes - but the offer is accepted. Sammi tells us that she's a hell of a cook, but she has yet to have been given the chance. She'll show us all! Deena: "Do you know how to make meat sauce?" "I'm gonna make my own concoction." Cut to Mike and Pauly casting a wary eye over the proceedings. Vinny is also concerned as Sammi seems to have difficuly just pulling a knife out of the block. Something is being stirred! "Shall we have a glass of wine while we cook?" "Oh my God, yes." That's what traditional Italian women do, apparently. Deena is proud of herself for not falling last night! (She failed to add, "until I got home!") Sammi is looking for garlic and finding....scallions. (I thought they were shallots, but I didn't look very hard.) Sammi spies some weird strawberries, which Deena identifies to Sammi as raspberries. Moving on, Sammi and Deena attempt to make sense of the Italian settings of their dishwasher. Good luck. Jenni is up and she suggests they...go grab a bite to eat? Deena finishes laying out some breaded cutlets, and - no, really - they all go off to grab a bite to eat. After they leave, the unblinking eye of the camera zooms in on the kitchen floor where soap suds are multiplying, which means they either put too much soap in the dishwasher, or the WRONG kind of soap - either way it's....I guess it's funny?
A little shopping, a little cafe - back in the house, the men are surprised to find that the girls are not cooking. Ronnie is surprised to find lots of soap on the floor and starts piling up towels to try to take care of it. Jenni is having an egg sandwich! Ronnie: "Should we just start cooking?" Pauly: "...let's just do it." Everyone agrees. Doing a lot of back and forth here - the ladies and paying and peaceing out of this bitch, while Mike has started whipping up some .... meat thing. I have NO idea what happened to the breaded cutlets. So in case you hadn't figured it out last week, the only Italian that Pauly knows is "come si dice" ("how you say"). Vinny doesn't actually KNOW how to say "paper towels" in Italian. The ladies are back, and they're unhappy that the fellas are cooking. Deena proclaims that she's "an annoyed." Jenni asks if Nicole's still sleeping. The guys (and me!) are startled to learn that Snooki never left the house. Sammi wants to know how someone can waste the whole day sleeping - although Nicole loves her sleep! In the kitchen, The Situation asks Deena if she really puts the pasta in before the water's boiling (as that's exactly what she's doing) and Deena replies with the non sequitur "don't worry, we have a drainer." Mike makes a face that I will have to screen grab because I can't properly do it justice. Nicole is up! Everyone's at the table and eating! There's a toast to the first Sunday in Italy! Salud! Mike: "Prego!" Is "Prego" a proper Italian toast? I'll look it up later.
After dinner, Snooki is on the phone with Jionni, but through the magic of editing, his first words are "So, where the f*** you been?" Yes, one entire day has passed without them talking and he's unhappy about it! Hearing Snooki's half of the conversation, Mike is quick to make an appearance. He tells us that "The Situation is very good when it comes to relationship advice." Mike pounces as soon as the call is over. Snooki tells us that he feels like Jionni doesn't trust her sometimes. We immediately cut to Mike with Snooki in a death grip and kissing her cheek. I'm starting to see Jionni's side of it. Mike cares for her a lot and just wants her to be happy! Now he compares the relative smoothness of each of her knees. "Don't let somebody get you upset. I'm glad you came to me. 'cause I got you." Umm, she didn't come to him.
COMING UP: They still can't read a map!
LATER: Snooki and Mike talk about how close they are! This can't end well!
BLOCKBUSTER SITUATION: Here's another long scene from "30 Minutes or Less" - wow, there's a lot more ads during THIS break. Oh man, will this be the LAST "Teen Wolf" ad I'll have to endure this season?
There's a phone call! Vinny answers it and it's Marco, the owner of the best pizzeria in Florence - aha, so they ARE going to have a job this season! They all need to meet him at 3 for the orientation. Ciao! I guess this is news to them. Ronnie suggests they probably leave now, because he must have seen that last "Coming Up" segment and knows they're going to get lost. Everybody toodles out, with Mike taking one last look at himself in the mirror first. Snooki (I think) is already thinking ahead to going back to sleep afterwards.
Well, they DON'T get lost as the next shot is a sign reading PIZZERIA O' VESUVIO: PIZZERIA NAPOLETANA CON FORNO A LEGNA - people are tossing crusts and spreading sauce. Wait, I was wrong - they ARE lost - we cut between shots of our lost crew and a guy looking at his watch. I guess that's MARCO telling them they're a little bit late. Sammi surveys the traditional fire oven and proclaims "It looks like a Domino's version of Italy pizza." Jenni says there's nothing for a hangover like HEAT. Jenni looks forward to telling her grandchildren how she learned to make pizza in Florence, bitch. Pauly yells "OR-EN-TA-ZIONEEEEEEEE...I'm loud, is that OK?" Marco makes the "my eyes, your eyes" hand signal and Pauly removes his sunglasses. Marco looks to be a hardass, saying that this is the first AND LAST time he'll show them how to make a pizza. Deena: "Can we ask you questions, like if we forget?" "No questions." "Oh." Seeking a volunteer, Marco selects Snooki, who is like "of course he picks me. I don't speak Italian, how'm I (the fuck) supposed to know how to make a pizza?" Apparently, they don't know whether "pepperoni" is a sweet pepper or a hot salami. This leads to Pauly and Vinny telling Marco how Snooki loves the hot salami. Snooki proclaims pizza dough smooth as a baby's butt. Pauly gets very excited, somehow seeing kneading dough like spinning records. Snooki tries the hand-toss - and fails. While Marco speaks ok English, he doesn't seem to understand Snooki's English very well - she thinks this isn't going to work out, while you and I wait for it to get funny. The pizza....closely resembles pizza. Ronnie: "If Snooki can do it, we all can do it. Right? You know what I mean?" Pauly is either REALLY excited about this, or REALLY sucking up to the boss. Or both.
Back at the house, Jwoww is going to attempt to make coffee. The grinder is hand-operated - that won't do. Convinced there's something more electric available, she goes through the cupboards and finds a lot of interesting objects, but not a coffee grinder. She has three at home! She ends up using...I'm not sure WHAT it is, but it's not made for grinding up coffee beans BUT that's how she's using it. Jenni tells us that making coffee in Italy is like making coffee in the 1600s. Hey, my wife actually has one of those stovetop things! I don't know how to use it either, so I'm right there with Jenni. She tries it - it's hot! "I'm never gonna make coffee again."
Let's all get ready to go! ** NOW PLAYING: Designer Drugs - Riot ** Looks like we're headed to a place called ASTOR tonight. It's time for another dance montage! The Situation is quickly accosted by a beaut--Mike corrects himself, as she apparently is not beautiful, but "cute little blonde" - turns out she's an American student in Italy so she probably knows Mike from the MTV. While Mike says "I think you're hot," we hear Snooki yelling "Mike!" and being generally unhappy with this turn of events. "She's really ugly." "I thought she was cute." She shakes her head. Mike seeks validation from Pauly, who provides it. Snooki is now ALSO unhappy with Pauly!
"Man up, bro!" It's time for shots and Ronnie is making sure. I think they each end up with three different shots all at once - yikes. Ronnie: "If I'm having a good time, we're all having a good f***ing good time!" Must be Single Ronnie, aka Drunk Ronnie. ** NOW PLAYING: Midnight Society All-Stars f/ Alex Cohen - Mandilon (Original Mix) ** we alternate between shots of Ronnie dancing and/or stealing other people's shots and Sammi staring at him. Oh boy, here we go again! Sammi's off to the bathroom. Jenni tells Ronnie not to worry; she's just going to the bathroom. Ronnie tells Jenni he is NOT worried, and in three weeks he's having a very special guest who she knows. So I guess Jenni knows about Hannah. And she tells US she knows. OK. Jenni wastes no time telling Vinny and Pauly that this is happening. Does Sammi know? Jenni doesn't know, but she's not going to tell.
COMING UP: High fives! Snooki thinks Britney is ugly!
BLOCKBUSTER SITUATION: Yes, it's even more from "30 Minutes or Less" - well, okay, not MUCH more - I dunno, I don't think they should show me NBA players in ads until the lockout is over.
We're still dancing at Astor! Ronnie is still drinking and Pauly proclaims him "sloppy" - Ronnie diagnoses himself as "in rare form." Ronnie shows his abdomen! Ronnie declares himself "pimp daddy Mack of this whole place." He also looks like he has toilet paper over his eye - ah, must have stuck to him when he was trying to wipe down. Man is sweaty. ** NOW PLAYING: Wallpaper. - #STUPiDFACEDD (Wallpaper. Remix) (a1926.g.akamai.net) (free!) ** Sammi makes faces. Vinny appears to be playing caretaker for Ronnie - and boy is he pleased about it! "Vinny, I f***** four girls before we left. And you know why? You know why?" "Because you're single, that's why." "No, three girls. Three days, four girls." Well, he'll get the math right. Sammi, to nobody in particular. "You're...that's f***** up. That's f***** up." I guess Sammi can eavesdrop given that Ronnie is now loud enough for everybody in the place to be able to eavesdrop. Vinny: "You're allowed! You're allowed!" Ronnie: "FOUR!" Sammi's faces have moved from "pouting" to "ready to cry." At this point, Ronnie moves toward Sammi, and...starts doing some dance fighting moves? I dunno. Sammi is saying "don't" and Jenni is getting concerned. Everyone's mood has changed. Vinny tries to pull Ronnie off. "I don't care if you're drunk or not, I am not dealing with you two fighting!" Sammi manages to storm off with Snooki in tow. Outside, Sammi asks what she's supposed to do. Snooki says she has to try to let it go, and she agrees.
Meanwhile, Britney and Mike have gotten to know each other better by telling each other how much fun they seem to be, or are, or...ah I don't care. Mike tells her she's the awesomest chick he's ever met. I feel like that may be a line! Sounds like everybody's rounding up to head back. Jenni ends up holding up Ronnie during the walk back. He tells her he's called "sweet...sugar...Hannah... and then falls down drunk onto the road. Meanwhile, Sammi is trying to convince Deena that the guy she wanted to hook up with (who we never saw/must have never signed the waiver) was a douchebag. Deena is incredibly loud until they cross a street where a cop is standing. Sammi BEGS her to be good for this block, and amazingly, she does not demand to get arrested on the spot for being a public nuisance. "Good girl." Sammi looks to be losing the battle of keeping Deena from falling over...but at least they can proclaim their love for each other! "I'M FINE!" A curb is negotiated...barely. We take another look at the cop - who doesn't appear to want to engage. They make it to the house! "Watch your step." Of course, Deena gets all of two steps in before SPLAT. (Pic: I don't know WHAT is happening here) High fives are exchanged! Snooki really thinks Britney is ugly. She seeks validation from Vinny, who of course is going to tell her that she's the prettier of the two, because she's standing right there asking him. "She's gross." "Why, do you like Mike, is that why you're saying that?" Vinny is the perceptive one! Instead of answering, Snooki mentions that every girl the guys bring home is ugly. Vinny says it's only because they can't have her. "Shush." Are they eating pickles? Probably.
Night vision indicates that something magical is happening for The Situation - at least, that's probably what we're supposed to think because we're only getting a chest and up shot of him. "...we are going to hang out again." I guess she's doing it right. Mike tells us that they ended up doing a little (beep) pop - again, I daren't try to fill in that blank - but I bet HE did! Next shot is Mike asking if he needs to call a friend to pick her up or can he get her a cab - the thing is, they probably didn't have to edit a lot of time from that scene. And away they go. Everybody tries to engage Britney in conversation but she pushes forward. Snooki: "Toodles whore" Jenni: "I'm sure we'll never see you again!" Mike sees her off about halfway down the stairs - "bye gorgeous!" - and we do see her get into the cab.
In the VPD bedroom, Deena bends over for some reason - well, so Vinny, Paul and we can see and laugh at her tanline. "It's not my fault that my butt's big!" Rightfully, Pauly says "Whaaa?"
Mike is out smoking and Snooki joins him. Again, she tells him how (fuckin') ugly she was. This leads to another exchange of FEELINGS as Mike drops a loaded "yeah, I CAN do better." "It's different with you. You're not somebody to just take home." Oh for....and she's BUYING this crap. They're so much more than friends! He respects that she has a boyfriend, but he's grown to love her personality and love her as a PERSON. Oh, she's NOT buying this crap - she tries to reinforce that they're just friends, even if they're really good friends. Mike tries the "but I see the way you look at me" line but that's not working either. ** NOW PLAYING: Anomie Belle - How Can I Be Sure (a1926.g.akamai.net) (free!) ** "I beg to differ. I think there's a little something there." Well....maybe he's just in denial. It wouldn't be the first time. Is Mike gonna cry? Let's listen to this song a while longer.
COMING UP: Mike stirs the pot
LATER: Deena gets mad at Pauly after he sells her out!
BLOCKBUSTER SITUATION: You guessed it - "30 Minutes or Less"
Here's our first Sammi/Deena Stacker 2 Energy Shot ad of the night!
With Ronnie and Nicole unable to stop sleeping, the remaining six head out to drop off some laundry and grab a bite. Talk quickly shifts to a debriefing of last night's festivities - Vinny suggests maybe some folks shouldn't be getting so drunk anymore, and he's met with a "shut up" from Sammi. Vinny tells us that when they get drunk, they turn into different people and they can't be talked to. Everybody seems to agree that Sammi and Ronnie need to figure out how to go out and have a good time and not pay so much attention to what the other is doing. Jwoww tells us "you're not in high school - grow up." Sammi is dealing with it the best way she can. Through the magic of editing, we cut to Mike talking about how hilar it was when Ronnie was all "I got five girls coming to the house, bro" and stirring it all up JUST when it looked like they were ready to move on. Vinny: "Mike always has to cross that line. Just when we had squashed the beef, Mike's trying to start problems." Mike backtracks saying obviously he was drunk and there weren't any girls. And I guess that's it for this bit!
Back to the house! ** NOW PLAYING: Kate Crash - Sawago (a1926.g.akamai.net) (free!) ** Vinny wants to try out the jacuzzi, and for some reason he doesn't want to be alone, so Ronnie joins him. We learn that the jacuzzi is a little...cozy for two. It also has those cool LED disco lights! Ronnie feels that this could be "ill romantic" with the lights off, whereupon Vinny tells him to please not come onto him at this point in time. Ronnie is uncomfortable. "It's hard to be in the jacuzzi with two guys!" The water is pushing them together! Ronnie (to us): "It's like a love 'cuzzi, because...it gravitates you towards each other...it's definitely a jacuzzi for a guy and girl."
For some reason, Mike wants to lie down in Deena's bed next to Deena - so he does. (He also has a walking stick for some OTHER reason.) Deena tells us she's not really like that with Mike. Showing great diplomacy, she asks Mike if he wants to smoke, so they both get off the bed to go smoke.
It's the next morning! Pauly's accessories all match, so he informs us that he's "fresh, from the feet....up!" Everybody's ready except Mike. While we have a moment, Deena lets everybody know that Mike was came in last night and was all "let's cuddle," and she was all "I think I need to go smoke a cigarette." Everybody yuks it up. Mike is FINALLY ready and they walk to...some place with a sweet rooftop for dining. Snooki: "I love Rome - err, Italy!" Deena starts singing to us. They observe a nearby church and somehow this gets to Ronnie talking about how Leonardo daVinci handpainted the Vatican, leading Vinny to correct him: "I'm pretty sure it was Michaelangelo." "Thanks for correcting me."
Talk again turns to Mike's actions from last night. Pauly repeats the story Deena just told, but Deena backtracks, saying it wasn't how Pauly said it. This leads to a debate on how Deena told the story. Mike denies "trying to cuddle," but here we take a replay from last night to indicate that it sure LOOKED like that's EXACTLY what he was trying to do. Mike is insistent that he didn't want to snuggle, and Deena is equally insistent that she didn't use words to that effect when she was talking about what happened. This is very important! It ends with Deena mad at Pauly for "putting [her] on blast." In the ladies' room, Snooki and Sammi (and our hopefully female cameraman) try to figure out why Pauly would "sell out" Deena like that. Snooki tells US that Pauly isn't stupid and probably has an inkling that "Deena's in love with him," and by doing what he did he'd only make her very upset. Deena is coaxed into taking a shot. Pauly tells us that this really wasn't a super big deal, whether Sitch wanted to do it or not, who cares?
COMING UP: Sammi comes onto Ronnie - and Ronnie isn't too pleased about it!
BLOCKBUSTER SITUATION:Columbiana? What the hell is this? THIS ISN'T "30 MINUTES OR LESS"
Oh my God you guys - I just saw my first "Hail to the V" ad - was that what I thought it was? I shall shudder now.
Guess everyone's going out again - Pauly makes Pierre fist pump for Deena. They hash it out. Pauly understands why Deena would get upset, it won't happen again, oh and he bought her a bracelet. Damn, Pauly, you are a mixed signal MACHINE.
Looks like we're headed to a place called TWENTY-ONE! ** NOW PLAYING: Ghosthouse - Rx Music (reverbnation.com) ** Dancing! Drinking! Deena THUD! Vinny is happy they're finally fist pumping. "It's kinda feeling like we're in Jersey again." Well, that's why they came to Italy, right? More dancing, more hitting on chicks. Pauly tells us the girls are super young here. Pauly and Vinny chat in what appears to be a bathroom. "Yo, if she still have coloring books, she's too young for you, man!" Pauly isn't sure if there's a drinking age in Italy, but for THEM, checking IDs is definitely mandatory. Pauly and Vinny promise to get "white boy wasted" tonight - I'm not sure what that is! Are Jenni and Snooki doing their own calisthenics routine? And now it's SAMMI falling over. "I'm f***** up, Ron. I'm f***** up." Ronnie foolishly offers to help her to the bathroom, but Sam has already started her TALK. Cut to Deena, who is frantically trying to get Sammi's attention, and utterly failing. Ronnie tells us that when they're drunk, it's really not the best time to have a talk about their relationship! Deena: "SA-MAN-THA!" Ron finally says "You want to do this now, and I don't want to do this now. And when I want to do it sober, you don't, so it's like a f***** up position....have fun with Deena, and enjoy yourself." Deena says Sammi's drunk and way too focused on Ronnie, and she's trying really hard to get her to just come with her. This is failing, as we continue to watch Sammi try to tell Ronnie how she really wants to be friends and Ronnie's not particularly interested at this point. Ron finally makes a break for it - and escapes! Back to Deena: "I don't know why you won't listen to me!" Sammi is tearing up again.
Time passes quickly - if somebody's got toilet paper on her heel, it must be time to grab the cab! Sammi tries to get Ronnie in her cab, and Deena vociferously protests. "STOP." "I miss him." "I know, but you FLIP OUT about him." Meanwhile, Vinny and Pauly D are still assembling their new Jeff Foxworthy routine. Vinny: "If she still got a basket on her bicycle, she's too young for you, man." "If she still has the parental controls on her TV in the bedroom, she's too young for you, bro!" "If she only owns Snow White on DVD, she's too young for you, man!" "Yo, if his Keds still light up, he's too young for you, bro!" I don't know if Ronnie's wearing Keds, but he goes into a pretty spastic touchdown celebration type dance.
BLOCKBUSTER SITUATION: Straw Dogs - wow, what an unpleasant looking movie.
Hey, they almost snuck that "Bucky Larson" one by me - but I guess calling it a blockbuster WOULD be a kind of a reach
Man, that was almost five minutes of ads - this'll be another short segment to close again I think
Pauly: "Yo, if that (beep) still plays laser tag, she's too young for you, bro." Jenni: "That's me! *frowns*"
Mike tells us that he's the kind of guy who likes to have a "Plan B," or a backup plan, and his backup plan happens to be Britney. We see Mike put out the call, and sure enough she's DTF (that's "down to fuck" if you're new to this show) and ready to go.
Deena sits in Pauly's lap and Vinny takes that as a cue to exit the living room and go to bed. Ronnie is drunk enough to be honest about the situation, ending with "why don't you guys (fuck) already?" Pauly: "Not on our first date." ** NOW PLAYING: Ginger Sling - The Hard Road ** "Scusi--" and he gets her off his lap and goes to ask Vinny...if he wants some Chap-stik. That must be code.
So we see Snooki preparing something to eat, Vinny in bed, Pauly in bed, Deena right where Pauly left her and unhappy, and Sammi and Ronnie eating in the kitchen. Sammi seems overly preoccupied with whatever Ronnie's doing...which surely should come as some sort of shock to the viewer. Sammi tells us that she still loves Ron (oh God) but she's trying to be strong and not go back there. Let's see her do just that. "I got feelings...so why not act on 'em?"
** NOW PLAYING: Menew - Don't Give Up On Us Now (menew.com) ** "I miss you. I love you. I miss you. I just want to go in the bed and cuddle with you." This is rendered even more comical because in the background SOMEBODY is still doing a lot of yelling - almost like Vinny and Pauly were still thinking of "She's too young for you, bro" jokes before they let Twitter take it over. Ronnie tells us he understands her feelings, because he still loves her too (OH GOD) but he goes back to Jersey, and he's... (fuck) me in the (ass) with a spiked bat, I'd rather not do that." So with an "I'm mad hungry," he walks off, puts his hat back on (but not a shirt!) and as the music swells and the credits start, we take one last "everybody falling asleep" montage, leaving out any obligatory "Situation getting some of Britney" shot. Alas.
NEXT TIME: Deena is madly seeking an Italian man, and it's gonna happen! Until somebody mouths off in the house, leading to a big fight and battle of the sexes. Meanwhile, Mike is ready to take two girls at once, until one of them becomes the subject of robbery...by Deena? Pauly proclaims it a "les-bi-honest experience...hardcore." Later, Snooki finally learns that Mike's told basically everybody in the house about them hooking up, causing her to proclaim that fucked up and their friendship OVER! But Mike's making a Situation face so there's probably more to come.
Need even more? MTV.com
Closing credits and "Wallpaper. - #STUPiDFACEDD"
This show felt pretty slow, but we have to lay a foundation before we can build. And yet...I'm still at 5700 words, somehow. GOOD NIGHT.
Coworker: I want to know how Jacob got on the island. Me: I don't care. I want resolution for the characters we've known for years, not two dudes we met at the beginning of last season. Coworker: You're not wondering about the origin story? Me: