OMG I am back with more Hot Newz! And the big Newz is that Survivor Series is RIGHT around the corner! Survivor Series was once the WWE's PREMIERE pay per view going back to the nineteen eighties (yes they had wrestling then!) when Bob Backlund led his team of five (Backlund, B Brian Blair, Hoss Funk, Funk Funk and The Junkyard Dawg!) against the Iron Sheik's Iron Curtain Teeam (Sheik, Nikolai Volkov, that Bori Guy with the name I can't spell, Serganet Slaughter back when he was a commie and Virgil!) However Survivor Series fell to the WAYSIDE the next year when WrestleMania started and wasn't important again until Bret Screwed Bret (just admit it everyone, he did!) in 1995! This year is the THIRTEENTH anniversary of that historic night so to celebrate Bret Hard has been invited to show up at this year's Survivor Series, take a swing at Shawn Michaels, miss and punch Cena instead leading to HHH pinning cena for the title, then walk out through the crowd never to be seen or mentioned again! Unfortunately he'll miss his flight due to a terrorist thread phoned in by SHANE MCMAHON trying to sabotage the ppv since he's TNA 4 life now and won't show up! Maybe next year at the fifteenth anniversary he'll make it!
Shane McMahon has SWERVED TNA by singing with UFC instead! Shane will NOT be in a management position like YOU thought he would be, instead he'll be a fight! His first match is supposed to be against BROCK LESNAR but Lesnas has come down with SWINE FLU so instead Shane will fight Tank Abbott! And Shane will go for the Super Shane Spear (a legitimate finisher in UFC!) but his head will get stuck in Tank's BELLY and Tank will give him a pedigree from that position for the win!
Gabe Spakolskty has started a new company named EVOLVE! He wanted to call it EVOLUTION but as soon as he had that thought his phone wrong and he picked it up and it was JEREMY MCVITTIE (the WWE lawyer guy!) who said "Don't even think about thinking about it again!" So he called it EVOLVE! It will be just like ROH only with those Dragon Gate guys who do those really long matches where they work on a body part for twenty minutes then just completely no sell it and do lots of exploder suplexs for some reason but everyone on the internet is too scared to admit those matches are overrated and gives them five stars! And also the return to wrestling of BLITZKRIEG and CROWBAR~!
ROH backwards is HOR which sounds a bit like WHORE!
Rosie Mendez will turn FACE on an upcoming ECW when she kicks Zach Ryder in the balls causing him to fall victim to Shelton Benjamin's PAYDIRT and lose (to Shelton!) She will then say "Zach, I'm SICK TO MY TEETH of you having all those DIRTY dream sequences about me! Shelton's my man now!" and stick her tongue up Shelton's mouth! However the NEXT week when Shelton and Zach are having a REMATCH she will act like she's about to kick Zach in the balls instead but insteat kick SHELTON and Zach will hit the Zach ATtack for the win! Then Rosa will say "Ha, fooled you, Shelton! Me turning on Zach last week and having sex with you for the last seven days was all part of the plan! Of course I didn't mind the dream sequences, I filmed them with Shelton earlier in the day so they could be edited into those backstage segments! DUH!"
Lacey Von Erich is SO sick of fans complaining about her workrate that she's learning a new move: the headlock! She was trying to learn the headlock takedown, but she kept breaking her opponent's shoulders! Speaking of which, Christy Hemme is out of action with broken shoulders! Also: Tracey Brook is ugly!
The next TNA Knockout in Playboy will be...none other than DIXIE CARTER herself wearing nothing but cowboy boots and a cowskin (leather) title belt over her nipples, y'all! (Her pussy will be full exposed!)
The reason why Hulk Hogan hasn't appeared in TNA yet is becaue he can't get a flight out of Australia, brother! The Hulkamania tour is SO important to the Australian economy that the President (or Optimus Prime Minster, whatever it's called in that backwards hellhole!) of Australia has cancelled ALL flights out of the country so that the Hulkster, Flair and Nasty Boys can't go home (he doesn't mind if Brutus Beefcake goes home)! Ticket sales for Hogan versus Flair are higher than ticket sales for STEVE IRWIN: THE MUSICAL and CROCODILE DUNDEE 8: REVENGE OF THE CROCODILE put together!
WRESTLERS ON TWITTER! Here's what some wrestlers have been saying on Twitter!
Santino: Just got sent a new script for RAW...I'm doing an unfunny comedy sketch with the guest host and Hornswoggle. I KNOW, I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT EITHER! - Santino was sent to the DOG HOUSE after this and lost to Charlie Hass on a house show as punishment! Matt Hardy: Jeff is doing great...we'll tell you the REAL story about his arrest and what those drugs were REALLY doing in his house and up his nose once he's found innocent...and if he's found guilty, we'll bust him out of jail using the strength of faith and love....faith and love...love and faith...and Albert's going to help too (remember him?) MickFoley: Bang bang! Just talk to a children's charity on one phoneline and Melina on the next while scripting my next hardcore match using a pen held by my FEET! Going to try to convince Melina to come to TNA to take some dangerous bumps for me, wish me luck! DixieCarter: Boy howdy, y'all, just talked to EDDIE BRICK of THE BRICKHOUSE BAND on the phone and he told me to have Kevin Nash powerbomb Eric Young through a table on Impact this week so I'm going to do it! There's a look at our creative process for y'all! TheMiz: Jericho is fat lol ChrisJericho: The Miz is gay lol
You can find me on Twitter WHEN HELL FREEZES OVER!!!!! (or when some girl I want to stalk signs up!)
Surviving Series is right around the corner! I have cashed in favors owed to me by MANY sources in order to bring you this ONE HUNDRED PERCENT ACCURATE preview so don't read if you don't want to know EVEYRHTING!
Batista versus Rey Mysterio
Batisata comes out wearing a sleevless leather jacket and slapping hands with fans like he's still a face and gives his jacket to a kid then musses up the kid's hair! Rey comes out in a BLACK mask and doesn't slap hands with nobody! Rey grabs the mic and says "these fans suck like you suck, Batista, why it got to be this way, mandawg, what about Eddie!" then Batista says "if Eddie loved you so much, WHY DID HE STEAL DOMINIC?" and Rey looks confused and Batista gives him ten Batista bombs really quickly for the win then says "these fans don't suck, YOU SUCK!" and walks out through the crowd! Rey will then turn full heel on Smackdown and start hitting his opponents with 619s to their DICK!
Team Michelle (Michelle McCool, Jillian Hall, Beth Phoenix, Layla and Alicia Flash) versus Team Mickie (Mickie James, Eve Torres, Kelly Kelly, Melina and Gail "Who?" Kim)
Jillian, Layla and Alicia are all eliminated really quickly because nobody cares about thenm! Then all five faces team up to pile on Beth Phoenix and hold her down to eliminate her (the referee counts this for some reason!) So Michelle is on her own and things look bleak but then "DUNG!" the Undertaker's "DUNG!" sound goes off and Michelle's eyes roll back in her head! Michelle then pines Gail with a chokeslam, Eva with a tombstone, Kelly Kelly with a last ride and makes Eve tap out to the hell's gate! But that sneaky chubby Mickie James gives Michelle a crappy looking kick to the head and all looks doomed until Michelle does the ZOMBIE SIT UP and pins Mickie with the Styles Clash (the McClash!) Then Michelle says "in case you can't tell, I'm banging the Undertaker!" and the fans go wild becasue only the coolest Diva alive could get to bang the Undertaker: the McCoolest that is!
Team Morrison (John Morrison, Matt Hardy, Shelton Benjamin, Evan Bourne, Finlay) versus Team Miz (THE Miz, Drew McIntire, Shameus, Dolph Ziggle, Jack Jobber (Swagger!))
Drew McIntire pins Evan Bourne in eight seconds with a roll-up! John Morrison pins Jack Swagger in thirty eight seconds with a chaffed kick! Drew and Finlay get counted out REALLY fast and make no effort to return to the ring! Shameus is DISQUALIFIED for attacking Jerry Lawyer with a fork for some reason! Matt Hardy runs backstage to TWEET about everything that's just happend and gets counted out! So it's down to two on two in less than four minutes then they have a HEAT match for almost four more minutes before Ziggle pins Shelton with an INVERTED PAYDIRT (which is just Dolph's normal finisher if you think about it, this feud writes itself!) So now we have the EPIC Miz versus Morrison (both in the match for the first time!) showdown we've all sort of been waiting for a bit...and then just HUG and says "the tag team's back together!" since management has lost faith in both as singles stars! Then Shameus gets back in the ring with a bloody fork and threatens the referee so the ref declares him the winner somehow!
Team Orton (Randy Orton, Cody Rhodes, William Regal, CM Punk) versus Team Kingstone (Kofi Kingston, Mark Henry, MVP, R Truth...and Christian!?)
The announcers try REALLY hard not to mention that Christian is the only white guy on the face team but fail when Matt Striker says "he's like the white character in The French Prince of Bel Air...OH WAIT, THERE WASN'T ONE!" after a minute! Then eveyrone gets eliminated in various different ways (seriously, it doesn't matter until the final two!) until it's Kofi versus Randy! Randy hits the RKO but knocks the referee downw ith his hand as he does and there's no one to count! Kofi hits the boom drop off the top rope but there's no ref! Randy goes for the RKO but Kofi reversus to a backslide (a new cool reversal I just thought of!) but Randy gets his foot on the rope! Randy goes for the punt but misses and punts the bottom turnbuckles which falls off and the referee makes the X sign and everyone just stands around staring at the bottom turnbuckle for about two minutes until that new ECW ring announcer girl who isn't even very hot pulls it out of the ring! Then Orton and Kingstone DOUBLE PIN each other with a suplex somehow and it's a draw and Cole goes into full "FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HISTORY, THIS HISTORIC HISTORICAL HISTORY MAKING MOMENT JUST GOT MADE TONIGHT, THE FIRST TIME IN HISTORY THERE'S NO SURVIVOR, A MATCH SO BRUTAL, SO BARBARIC, SO VINTAGE ORTON, SO VINTAGE KINGSTONE, THAT NEITHER MAN COULD SURVIVE, WE'LL BE CALLING THIS VINTAGE SURVIVOR SERIES FOR WEEKS TO COME!" mode to try to convince the audience they just saw something cool rather than a rip off.
The Undertaker versus Chris Jericho versus Big Show
Before the match starts, a mysterious man in a KANE mask grabs Undertaker and CHOKESLAMS him off the stage! Jericho and Big Show have a boring match for five minutes until Undertaker drags himself to the ring...at which point they stop hitting each other and start hitting him in a dastardly display of evil! However, KANE'S music plays and KANE runs out so Jericho and Big Show hide! Kane helps Undertaker up...THEN CHOKESLAMS HIM! Kane then takes the Kane mask out of his tights and puts it on, revealing that KANE was the mysterious man in the Kane mask! This is because Undertaker needs another five months off to prepare for his big match with SHameus at WrestleMania (SPOILER: Undertaker wins. Yawn) so Jericho gets to hold the belt for another three weeks before losing it to Batista or something!
John Cena versys Shawn Michales versus Triple HHH
DX DOMINATE Cena the whole match so he can do his dramatic selling of everying (then comeback like he isn't hurt at all!) DX hit all their famous legandery doubleteam moves like HHH holding Cena so Shawn can punch him and Shawn holding Cena so HHH can punch him! In the end Cena makes his crappy shoulderblock based comeback but DX CUT HIM OFF with a double elbow(~!~!) Howerever DX can't decide who gets to make the pin and each pull the other off when they try to cover! Then eventually Shawn and HHH start SHOVING each other until eventually they SNAP and IMPLODE and hit each other with a superkick and pedigree simultaneously somehow! Then Cena pins Shawn (of course). And is this the end of DX forever?! No, they do a comedy skit with Hornswoggle the next night and it's never mentioned again!
SHould be a great show!
And now for this month's interview with Ron Simmonds! As impossible as it is to believe now that he's old and only known for saying "damn", Simmonds used to be young and known for being a semi decent wrestler who EVEN won the WCW world title from Sting or someone back when he wrestler as Faarooq! I decided to get the LOW DOWN (pun intentional!) on his career the only way I know how: a phone interview!
Me: Is this FARROOK himself, Ron Simmonds?
Ron: Hi, how's it...
Me: WE ARE THE NATION. OF FAPURBATION.
Me: NATION. OF FAPURBATION.
Ron: Why are you singing?
Me: I've got the music in me!
Ron: Seriously, I thought this was a proper interview...
Me: Who was the batter rapper in PG-13, Jersey Ice or Whoopie Dee?
Ron: How am I supposed to know! What's the point of this!
Me: The point is to get to the stage where I try to humiliate you in someway but you comeback with a cutting remark which shows me up for what I am and I say "DAMN!"
Me: No, I say it! That's why it's ironic! Didn't DEAN DOUGLAS teach you what irony is? Anyway, I should ask you something about when you were managed by Sunny and if she was ever so drugged up that she thought you were her boyfriend and had sex with you, but I think we both know the answer would be yes!
Ron: You just beggin' me to whoop your ass, ain't you?
Me: Does it make you angry that another old black man with a silly catchphrase, Tony Atlas, is still on WWE tv every week and you're not?
Ron: I'm a much cooler old black guy than Tony! He stole his laughter from Dusty Rhode anyway! I'll kick your ass, kid!
Me: SPEAKING of kicking, remember when you kicked Ahmed Johnson so hard in the kidney that his kidney EXPLODED and he need a transplant but the doner was Jake The Snake Roberts and the kidney was so soaked in alcohol that Ahmed felt constantly drunk for the rest of his career and it totally ruined his previously HIGH workrate?
Ron: Well...I remember the first part. What about it?
Me: That was cool!
Ron: Damn right it was! You know, Randy Orton stole the punt from me! I was the first wrestler to ever run up and kick my opponent really hard. Does he give me credit? Hell no!
Me: You should kill him!
Ron: Well...maybe I should whoop his ass.
Me: You'd be booked to lose in ninety seconds you old fart!
Ron: I mean a real fight, kid! THe kind I used to have in my gladiator days!
Me: You were never a gladiator!
Ron: Then where do you think I got that plastic helmet from?
Me: You just blew my mind! Speaking of blowjobs, did Sunny ever...
Ron: Ask me something about the APA.
Me: Okay! We all know Brad Shaw used to bully smaller men than himself to feel important and because it was the only way for him to achieve sexual arousal...
Me: ...but my question is did YOU ever join in then both of you got carried away and ended up having FULL SEX on the dressing room floor then Jeff Hardy walked in but he was high and though he was just imagining it so never told anyone?
Ron: Yes. So all that masturwanking you did to that fantasy wasn't as pathetic as it seemed at the time.
Ron: We didn't really, I just wanted to give you the chance to say that.
Me: You can't take it back now! I'm taping this conversation! And even if somehow you find out where I live and destroy the tape with a headbutt wearing your plastic gladiator helmet, I can still hypnotise Jeff Hardy so that he remembers the repressed drug-hazed memory!
Ron: It wasn't Jeff who walked in, it was Savio Vega! And he joined in!
Me: DAMN! Always one step ahead of me!
More like APGAY than APA I think you'll agree! Back soon with more Hot Newz PLUS A CHANCE TO WIN A DATE WITH ME, HOT NEWZ!!!!!1
I think I saw somewhere else that he was out of Battleground, although that could have just been people botching the math. Still a less convincing apology than the ones Anderson and Gallows offered last night.