OMG I am back with more Hot Newz! ANd the big newz is that CM Punk turned heel, The Rock is going to wrestle in six months (I'm counting down with a masturwank a day!) and SummerSlam is right around the corner! WWE is pulling out all the stizzops to counter TNA which has suddenly become THE GREATEST WRESTLING SHOW ON TV (ROH sucks!) recently! I even managed to watch four whole minutes of IMpact without hitting fastforward this weke, which proves they're on the right track!
One of the greatest Divas of all time has left WWE! She was smart, sexy AND powerful and had bras full of UNTAPPED POTENTIAL and talent and if you think I'm pretending to described Amazing Karma and I'm going to SWERVE and reveal I'm actually describing Maxine...you'd be right! Maxine quit because she was being HELD DOWN and not used because the other Divas didn't want to step in the ring with her because they KNEW that if they botched any moves (and Divas botch moves like I kick ass!) Maxine would SHOOT on them with her BRAZILIAN HOOK STYLE MMA CATCH AS CATCH CAN'T JUDO shoot style! Maxine EVEN beat Layla in a steamy ninety minute SHOOT amateur wrestling match in their hotel room watched only by Beth Phoenix (Natayla was kicked out for farting!) who also judged it wearing a sexy cut-off referee's shirt! Derek Bateman and Johnny Curtis are expected to leave soon too as they were both shoot in love with Maxine (Kaitlyn/Bateman is just a work, Kaitlyn is with AJ in real life!) EVERYONE will miss Maxine, even people who never watched NXT and only saw her in that two minute match she had with Layla on RAW once (which scored HIGHLY in key masturwanking demographics!) I wish Maxine well with EVERYTHING and hope she'll tweet some pix of her thighs again soon!
Also Karma was fired for being fat.
WWE has bought the famous(!?) video sharing site Tout! It let's you post fifteen second videos because they don't have enough bandwidth for longer videos! It happened because Vince finally discovered YouTube (he loves the sneezing baby panda and Star Wars Kid!) and shouted "DAMN IT, BUY THIS WEBSITE FOR ME!" at someone! So they bought Tout because Vince doesn't know the difference between that and YouTube and it only cost them two hundred dollars (YouTube also would have cost two hundred...two hundred BILLION that is!) Vince then forced all the Superstars and Divas to start posting videos on Tout! However some of them posted CONTRAVERSIAL Touts which were deleted when THE PC CROWD (people who don't like racism and sexism and spoil it for the rest of us!) complained! LUCKILY I save every WWE Tout with KeepTout and here's a few list of all the deleted Tizzouts!
- Tensai orders Sakamoto to bring him dinner and Sakamoto brings him a stake...but with CHOPSTICKS to eat it with! Tensai threatens to "slap your eyes unsquint" if Sakamoto doesn't get a knife and fork!
- Drew McIntyre in a boat in the middle of LOCH NESS in Scotland and he says "I just saw the Loch Ness Monter, but then he disappeared...JUST LIKE MAH PUSH! But it willnae be like that when I come back, Vince, I'm going to play the bagpipes until you book me on RAW again!" Then he pulls BAGPIPES out of a BAG and starts playing them until suddenly a HUGE WAVE washes over him and the Tout cuts out and he's dead!?
- Big Show and Hornswoggle (who are real life friends!) are eating pizza and Show eats a whole pizza in less than the fifteen seconds! But he's still hungry and in his HUNGER STORM he grabs Hornswoggle thinking he's a pizz and bites his ass! Then Hornswoggle says "hey, only my boyfriend is allowed to eat my ass!" and they both laugh. This Tout was deleted because the WWE don't want girls to know that Hornswoggle is gay so that they think they still have a chance with him!
- Michael Cole in a hotel room in his underwear, talking on the phone saying "I ordered an ASIAN girl! Get my order right next time!" Then he notices the filiming and says "hey, stop using that TOUT CAMERA! What I've got planned for you will last slightly longer than fifteen seconds!" Then the person holding the camera turns it on their own face and you see THE FACE OF A WHORE!
- Antonio Caesarsald and Aksana MAKING OUT then Antonio says something in FIVE LANGUAGES (none of them the Earth's number one language English!) I translated this using Google and found he was actually saying "I have a tingling in my SWEDISH MEATBALLS right now! And an erection!"
- Zach Ryder wearing a FALSE MOUSTACHE and FAKE NOSE and CHIN PUTTY says "hi, I'm just a RANDOM FAN of the WWE and I'd sure like to see more of Zach Ryder on your fine programming! Perhaps he could beat Miz and Santino to unify the US and IC titles, then get revenge on Kane by beating him in an inferno match on pay per view! Just a random suggestion! Woo woo...I mean, uhh...BYE!" Then the moustache falls off. "I needed to shave anyway!"
- JTG and the picture is in BLACK AND WHITE! "Yeah, that's right, my WrestleMania payoff was so low that I can't afford a colour Toutcam! It's like I'm living in the forties! I was a huge part of the sucess of WrestleMania and I deserve a massive payoff! And I ain't going to come to work untl I get it! What, you need someone to job to Brodus Clay? CALL BIG SHAD! Actually, don't, he'll kill me if I suggest you have him job to Brodus Clay. Literally! That's what happened to the Highlanders! Uhh...pay me!"
- AW is reading the news about Rosa and Jackson Andrews on the internet and says "I can use this for comedy on RAW!" This is the real reason he was released.
- CM Punk and Lita in bed together (after sex!) and Punk says "Well I've now been with you, Maria, Mickie James, Beth Phoenix, Traci Brooks, Christy Hemme, the hot Bella twin, Muffy and Maxine." And Lita says "And I've been with you, Matt Hardy, Edge, Rhyno, Danny Doring, Roadkill, Kane, Essa Rios and The Great Khali. What next?" Then they look at each other and says "time to swap!" Then Lita takes out her phone and dials a number and says "Hello, Trish? I'm going to sleep with every woman in wrestling starting with you! Yes, I'll bring the EDIBLE PANTIES!" Then Punk takes out HIS phone and dials a number and says "Hello, Evan Bourne? Sick of violating the wellness policy? How about violating ME instead!" And if you think this sounds longer than fifteen seconds that's because it was a TWO PART Tout!
SummerSlam is finally here! Why does it always take place near the END of summer? Is it because Vince McMahon would get HEAT STROKE if it was earlier? Well, who cares, it's here! This year's SummerSlam is DEFINITELY going to be remembered as this year's SummerSlam!
Santino Marella versus Antonio Sleezebaggo - LIVE ON YOUTUBE! Santino dominates a hard fought, two minute match but when he goes for the Cobra he can't find it! And then while he's distracted Antonio rolls him up for da pin! Then AKSANA pulls the Cobra out of her BRA and waves it sexily and Antonio says (in a follow-up to that deleted Tout!) "that's right! Aksana took your Cobra and now I'm going to use it as a WANK SOCK wanking over her, ha ha ha!" But he says it in Swedish to keep it PG13 (not one person in america speaks Swedish!)
Brodus Clay versus Damian Shadow in a DANCE OFF - As someone has released neither of them are good enough to actually have a ppv wrestling match this has been changed to a dance off! Brodus does his usual dance and then Damian does a PERFECTLY EXECUTED but SOULLESS dance routine! Damian explains that he used mathematics to construct the perfect dance, but the fans BOO becaue it didn't have any heart! But then NOAMI gives Brodus a low blow and MAKES OUT with Shadow and reveals that she was aroused by his mathematically perfect dance as she's actual a high functioning autistic! So Damian wins I guess.
R-Truth and Koffee Kingston versus The Pryme Tyme Playaz - JTG is the new managed of the PTP! He comes out saying "that's right, I deserved MILLIONS OF DOLLARS for making WrestleMania a success, now I'll make MILLIONS OF DOLLARS with these two guys!" But Truth and Kingston have won by the time he finishes that sentence. Then JTG has to sell for LITTLE JIMMY!
The Miz versus Rey Mysterio - Miz hits the 619 after setting it up with a ridiculous contrived headscissors, but when he goes to the top rope for his splash thing he starts WOBBLING and FALLS OFF crotching himself on the top rope and The Miz pins him then does a MARINE SALUTE! This is the start of a new storyline where Rey is scared of heights which is being done to freshen up Rey's character! And also because he now has the knees of an eighty year old.
Chris Jericho versus Dolph Ziggler - Dolph grabs the mike and says "look, everyone knows that Jericho's leaving the WWE again to pretend to sing with Fozzy, so Chris why don't you come out here and give me THE RUB, okay!" Then Jericho comes out in STREET CLOTHES looking sad and says. "It's true, it's damn true! I have to go away now, so it would make sense for me to put you over here at Summerslam before I do..." Then he SPITS in Dolph's face and gives him the CODEBREAKER and Dolph does a triple backflip sell! Then Jericho pins him with the "c'mon baby!" one foot pin and drops his jeans(!) to reveal METAL KNEEBRACES on his knees and says "...but nothing about me in the WWE this year has made sense! You'll have to wait until I come back again for me to put you over, baby!" Then he goes to attack Vickie (she deserves it!) but Vickie drops her dress(!) revealing she's wearing a SECOND DRESS underneath and it's a BRAZILIAN FLAG dress! And Vickie laughs and says "you won't DARE disgrace the flag by attacking me!" and Jericho says "no...but I will attack you wearing a BLACK DRESS!" and takes SPRAYPAINT out of his underpants and quickly SPRAYS the Brazilian flag dress black then puts Vickie in the Walls of Jericho for three seconds then crowd surfs out of the arena and out of the WWE! Then when Dolph gets up Sheamus comes out and gives him a Brogue kick.
Kane versus Daniel Bryan - Since Bryan is CRAZY now he comes out wearing a neon green Kane mask! He says "remember back in 1999 when everyone said Kane was going to join DX and wear a red and green outfit? I have become that alternative universe version of Kane because the only way to beat Kane is to BE Kane! Yes! No! Yes! No! What!" Bryan wrestles the match like Kane but when he goes for the chokeslam Kane reverses it into the Yes Lock! Then Bryan's about to tap out when a man in a rubber Charlie Sheen mask hits Kane in the face with a lead pipe and Bryan gets the pin! Then THE REAL CHARLIE SHEEN comes out to the top of the stage with The Bella Twins on each arm (they've been hired back just for tonight because Sheen refused to come out with anyone else!) and says "hey, wait a minute, I'm the real Charlie Sheen, who is that guy!?" Then the fake Charlie takes his mask off to reveal WILLIAM REGAL and he says "it's me, sunshine, you bloody dirty dinner plate, bugger off back to Hollywood now because I'm here to turn Daniel Bryan back into a SERIOUS WRESTLER, those trash bags I was carrying on Smackdown had lead pipes in them, go on you pillock, go eat drugs with the Bellas you bloody ninny!" Then Sheen shrugs and goes off to eat drugs with The Bellas (they can do drugs now that they're not in the WWE anymore and there's no wellness policy which is the only thing in the world that stops wrestlers doing drugs!) and Bryan and Regal celebrate by putting Kane in SHOOT SUBMISSION holds and this is the start of a big angle where Bryan is taken seriously again and makes such men as Big Zeke and Justin Gabriel tap out in serious matches on his way to jobbing to Randy Orton!
Shameus versus Albert Delreyo - Alberto kicks Shameus in the arm a few times but Shemaus comes back with the WHITE CURSE then sets up the Brogue Kick for a FULL MINUTE but when he finally goes to do it RICARDO trips him from outisde the ring and that's an automatical dq! Then Booker T comes out and says "you know what, SUCKAS? You want to double team? Why not make this A TAG MATCH so it's not two on one anymore and is, in fact, TWO ON TWO and I'LL be the tag partner of Shameus AND whoever scores a pin first WINS the title AND you can pin your own partner...SUCKAAAAA!" Then right away Booker pulls A SEPTER out of his suit and smashes it over Shameus and pins him to win the title as Alberto and Ricardo watch with their jaws hanging open in shock, paralysed with surprise! Bookr then says "I'm not just the GM, I'm not just the champion...I'm the KING!" and Queen Eve comes out and says "all hail King Booker!" (Sharmell refused to return!) and it turns out Eve has corrupted Booker with blowjobs! This is the start of Booker DOMINATING Smackdown before losing the title to Randy Orton next month. This is being done because Shameus sucks.
Triple H versus Brock Lesnar - Triple H is dominating (of course!) until PAUL HEYMAN throws a copy of the NY Times at him as a distraction and that yellow coward Lesnar uses the moment to lock in the Kimura! Triple H survives in the hold for FIVE MINUTES until SHAWN MICHAELS comes staggering down the aisle holding a towel, planning to throw it in the ring because he knows Triple H won't quit! But Triple H sees hi and POWERS OUT of the Kimura, turning it into a powerbomb, then rolls out of the ring and gives Shawn a pedigree on the floor to stop him throwing the towel in! Then Triple H gets back in the ring and gives Lesnar a MARTY GARNER SPECIAL pedigree, but the referee is down! And then a man wearing a CRASH HELMET spears HHH then does a SHUFFLE (but not as good as the Hot Newz Shuffle!) and Lesnar gets the win! Then he takes the crash helmet off and it's SHANE MCMAHON (of course) and he says "what's up POPS! Just like WCW kicked your ass in the past now MMA is going to kick your ass led by ME Shane O Mac and my ASSISTANTS Paul Heyman and Big Lesnar and it will be COCK-A-LOCKIN'!" And this sets up Shane and Lesnar versus Triple H and Shawn (Triple H has GRACIOUSLY forgiven Shawn!) at Wrestlemania but because Lesnar's contract has no more appearances left Shane's MMA team will be Dan Severn, Tank Abbott and Alistair Overeem until then!
CM Punk versus John Cena versus Big Show - They have a NORMAL MATCH and Jerry Lawyer says "hmm, maybe Punk isn't going to turn heel after all!" until Big Show goes for a chokeslam and Punk spits RED MIST in his eyes! Big Show staggers backwards and fall onto John Cena's NECK and the referee flashes the X! A stretcher is brought out for Cena and even Punk looks concerned until Cena POPS UP and gives Punk an AA through the stretcher (it's a steel stretcher!) Cena then gets the pin (Big Show is still staggering around blind!) Then the fans boo and throw TRASH at Cena (trash will be handed out to fans before the match) and Cena says "everybody knows Punk was going to turn heel on me, so I decided to turn heel on him FIRST, I grew up in the hood and I know how to protect my back, word freaking life!" in a heel turn that'll be forgotten in the next night on RAW when KEVIN NASH returns and Cena and Punk have to team up to defeat him!
Should be a great show...FOR SENDING PEOPLE TO SLEEP! I'll be back soon with more Hot Newz follow me on TWITTER!
I also wish Kev the best. Smart-mark, anti-mark, pock-mark, it's all the same shit to me. But even if we're mockin' big Kev it wouldn't kill anyone to add a little: "seriously, though, I hope he's all right."