Cena vs. Bryan Brad Maddox is at ringside in stripes as a back-up referee, just in case. Cena and Bryan have a *****~! MOTY full of TEH WORKRATE, but we will never know because the camera is on HHH and Maddox tussling outside of the ring the entire time. I watch wrestling for ref fights. Bryan eventually wins and HHH chases Maddox out of the area. While both men lie battered and beaten in the middle of the ring, Randy Orton comes out to cash in his Money in the Bank briefcase- but there is no ref to accept it! OH NO! "No Chance" hits and out struts Mr. McMahon in black and white. He doesn't want Bryan as the champ, and he didn't want Cena either. But Randy Orton? That he can get behind! He takes the case, rings the bell and Orton pins Bryan 1-2-3, just as HHH runs back in. Is Orton the Champ? Is Bryan the champ? Who's the referee? HHH and VKM have stare-down building to their Main Event match at Wrestlemaina XXX. This is what we all totally want!
Del Rio vs. Christian Ricardo Rodriguez shows up, looking like he has come to take revenge on Del Rio and cost him the title. But it was all a clever ruse! He attacks Christian instead! Poor Christian didn't see it coming because he never watches wrestling.
You know what? How about all the matches are determined with shenanigans.
Ambrose vs RVD Ambrose wins with Sheild-terference
The Shield vs. Henry/Show Ambrose returns the favor by running-in, but the Usos come and make the save. That gives us one more face than heel, so Henry/Show win with a war of attrition.
Brie vs. Natalya Brie (or Nikki?)wins with TWIN MAGIC! Natalya is pissed she forgot there were two of them, and this sets up something ridiculously staged on Total Divas
Sandow vs. Rhodes Damien Sandow wins with interference from his adorable golden retriever, Chase. (twitter.com) The dog is hella over and becomes the new darling of the IWC.
Wyatt vs. Kane Wyatt wins with interference from his cronies. Fire can't stop them, they are mystical hillbillies! Kane is set ablaze and like the mighty phoenix is reborn as a member of Wyatt's flock.
Ziggler and Katilyn vs. Big E and AJ Ziggler looks like he's about to win by hitting AJ with the Zig Zag, when Wade Barrett runs in a makes the save. He beats the crap out of Ziggler and AJ gets the pin. Why? Well, he is AJ's new boyfriend, of course! Big E is heartbroken! He though he and AJ were finally going to get together, but she totally friend-zoned him. All those thing they did and time they spent together were only because AJ liked him as a person? She only hung out with him because she enjoyed his company, and not because she wanted to bone him? That slut! How could she? Everyone is rightly outraged on Big E's behalf, and this sets up him vs Barrett and Ziggler moves on to feud with Del Rio.
Punk vs. Brrrrrrock Lesner Lesner wins by interference from oh, let's say Moe.
Cena/Bryan (WWE Title Match - HHH Special Ref) - Both are going to kick out of pins, break finishing submission holds, but Cena's injured elbow will cause him to submit. Vince and Maddox will be involved. Bryan wins title...but Orton comes out and cashes his MITB briefcase. Vince distracts Bryan, Bryan runs into RKO...1,2,3 (reluctant count by HHH), and the HHH/Vince dispute rages on. I was going to put down a mega-shocking result involving a HHH turn and he and Vince on the same page all along, but I decided against it.
2) Punk/Lesnar (The Best vs. The Beast) - Tough to choose in this one...Both will get beaten down, and Punk wins with the GTS, writing off Lesnar until January 2014 after Royal Rumble. Heyman also gets GTS'd.
3) Christian/Del Rio (World Title Match) - Del Rio with the cross armbreaker submission.
4) Wyatt/Kane (Ring of Fire Match) - Wyatt with 2 Sister Abigails (Kane kicks out of the first one) for the pin. Rowan/Harper appears after the match to carry out Kane, either temporarily writing him off or having him join the family.
5) Ziggler/Kaitlyn vs Langston/AJ (Mixed Tag Team Match) - Ziggler/Kaitlyn win with the double pin (Ziggler with the Zig Zag and Kaitlyn with the spear).
6) Sandow/Rhodes (Rhodes Scholars Explode) - Rhodes with the upset win with the Cross-Rhodes after Sandow's briefcase swing completely misses.
7) Natalya/Brie Bella (Divas Match) - Brie with the pin that we don't see because everyone else will end up involved.
8) Ambrose/RVD (Kickoff match - US Title Match) - RVD wins by DQ after Shield-ference, which brings out Show/Henry. I had to put it here because it will lead to the following match on the PPV.
9) Shield vs Show/Henry (Tag Team Title Match) - Show/Henry win by countout when the Shield bails out.
Ambrose vs RVD: NC -turns into a 6man brawl. Natalya vs Brie: Brie wins through shenanigans. Rhodes vs Sandow: Rhodes wins Ziggler & Kaitlyn vs Big E & AJ: Big E & AJ wins Kane vs Bray Wyatt: Bray wins Punk vs Lesnar: Punk ADR vs Christian: Alberto del Rio Cena vs Daniel Bryan: Bryan wins
added match: Shield vs RVD/Show/Henry: faces win through DQ
This is the exact type of fairweather viewership that keeps the Fed from sticking with anything too long. To wit: Austin was awesome and we're all probably a little sad that he is not around right now and that he has these "personal problems.