Strong Style Typings Scarred For Life DEATH of a Team ROCK VS. COCK
There are days that I love my job. There are days that I hate my job. And then there are the average days where I just hate my boss.
PCP Crazy F'N Manny.
Manny: "Why haven't you posted the card yet Lake-Whore?"
"Oh. I don't know Manny. Maybe because I have been busy at work doing a job where I actually get paid. Maybe because I came down with writer's block. But mostly, mostly, because you haven't FUCKING told me what the FUCKING card is."
Manny: "That's a pathetic excuse."
"Manny, I have been pleading for the card for weeks."
Manny: "You asked me for the card, but you did not PERSUADE me that you needed it. You need to PERSUADE me Lake-Whore."
"Someone has been watching Last King of Scotland."
Manny: "All right. Announce Twiggy vs. Juan."
"Sure, I will get right on that. WAIT A COTTON-DAMN PICKING MINUTE! Juan is fighting Twiggy? Since When?"
Manny: "Since those two under-sized morons came to my office and demanded a title shot, just because they beat Hi-5."
"Hi-5 are former tag team champions."
Manny: "When I want your opinion, I will tell you what it is."
"So instead of the Rock and Cock Expreess. We get Rock vs. Cock."
Manny: "That's right."
"Manny, those two guys are best friends. They went to the same school. They are both from the Laurentians. They trained together. They were broom boys together. They broke into the IWS together. They practically finish each other sentences. And you want them to fight each other."
Manny: "No, that would be stupid."
"Oh good... for a minute there I was worried."
Manny: "I want them to KILL each other."
"WHAT? And how the hell do you plan to arrange that?"
Manny: "I gave them a little incentive."
"I don't like the sound of that."
Manny: "I haven't fired any one in a while...."
"Except for me and DJ Stab Tony."
Manny: "SHUT UP! You can talk when I tell you to talk. People get upset when I fire people "
"Can't imagine why."
Manny: "Why are you talking right now? I have decided that instead of firing someone, I am going to hire someone."
Manny: "Go ahead. You have a question."
"That makes no damn sense Manny."
Manny: "Let me make it easy for you Lake-Whore. At Scarred For Life, we are going to have a Winner Keeps His Job Match. Pornstar Juan vs. Twiggy."
"WHAT? But that means that the Rock and Cock Express are DEAD, FINISHED, KAPUT!"
Manny: "Make your announcement Lake-Whore. The BOSS has spoken!"
Yeah, so my Boss sucks. Also, there is supposedly a tape of Juan and Twiggy asking Manny for the title shot and Manny snapping and ordering this match instead, only no one will admit to actually having the tape. But I am told that it exists.
Allow me just to apologize if I mangle this at all. I was taking notes in the back stage area of ToW, he was out of breath, but somehow talking a mile a minute and he was being attended to by a really pretty nurse who moonlights at the Saint-Mathieu strip club, so I was a little distracted. And you know, je suis juste un Pauvre Acadien après tout. On parle ni l’un ni l’autre.
"Je n’etait pas pret avant. Pas parce j’avais peur de perdre contre cette p’tit gars. Non. Y hardcore en masse ca je l’admet. Hardcore avec deux tetes comme le p’tit Carl dit, mais je n’avais jamais peur de perdre le match contre lui. Ce qui me donnait du peur c’est que apres mon blessure que je serais pas pret pour le titre. J’en ai porter cette titre avec fierte et j’en ai hante de le porter encore un fois. Pas pour les fans. Je m’en crisse d’eux. Combien d’eux on venu me voir dans l’hopital. Aucune. Combien on crier mon nom pendant que j’etait parti - blesser. Aucune! Non, je reprends cette titre pour moi, pour mon gloire personnel a moi et c’est a cause de ca que j’ai hesiter avant. Parce que je vais etre un champion PARFAIT pour le IWS. Un champion avec du STYLE. Alors mon victoire contre Viking, ca aussi il devrait etre PARFAIT et avec du STYLE.
Ce soir j’ai lutter et j’ai battu contre l’un des meilleurs lutteurs dans toute le monde: Mon ancien chum Rhino. Oui c’est lui qui avait son main lever en victoire, mais il a ete battu par moi. Vous le savez. Ca pris Ed Filion, puis Mark Blondin, puis un crisse de ref mal placer, puis un table pour m’arracher le victoire qui m’appartenait.
Mais ce soir, je sais que je suis prete. Prete pour un victoire PARFAIT. Pret pour un victoire PCO STTTTYYYYYYLLLE! Pret pour le nouvelle ceinture IWS. Je l’ai vu et je le veut. Y a du STYLE cette ceinture la. Ca va aller PARFAITEMENT comme mon propre ceinture a moi quand je battre Viking et je redeviens Champion de l’IWS."
WAIT A MINUTE!
The IWS has a new belt and Viking doesn’t have it?
(And I haven’t seen it yet? WHAT THE HELL?)
Just a second I have a text message from Manny coming in:
Manny: “Tell the fans that whoever beats Viking gets the new belt. Nobody gets to see it until then.”
Manny: “Even you Lake-Whore.”
Excuse me just a second. I have to grab a bar of soap.
Mother-Fucking Son-of-a-Bitch. Fils de Chien, Maudit de Asti Caulis de Fucking Ass-Hole!
And Now A Message From Our Sponsor
You know it just occurred to me that with the Rock and Cock Express being dynamited by Manny, that one of my sources of revenue is going to dry up. I mean why would Twiggy and Juan pay me to put them over like gangbusters when there is no more Twiggy AND Juan?
Also, this just in - Breaking Not Really News to Anyone - PCP Crazy F’N Manny, my Boss, Asshole-About-Town, is a (gasp of a fake surprise) a TERRIBLE LIAR.
Apparently the “lost” tape of the Rock vs. Cock match being set up is not so badly lost after all, or rather, Twiggy and Juan took the precaution of getting a copy before it was given to Manny to “archive” in a big green City of Montreal filing receptacle.
They are making arrangement to get the tape up momentarily, which will prove exactly how much of a liar Manny really is. In the meantime, Twiggy had this to say:
“Even if this is the last RNC match ever, we're gonna do what we do every show and come to the ring as a team and at the end of the night...we are gonna leave the ring as a team.”
Amen, my brother.
You Don’t Have to Be Paranoid…
Kevin Steen has been back in the IWS for barely a month and he is already pissing people off. The only good thing about that (because Kevin Steen pisses people off as easy as breathing) is that Kevin is picking the right people to piss off for once.
Anyone who makes PCP Crazy F’N Manny’s life a living hell…and does so while I have ring side seats to watch… is okay by my book.
Lately, Kevin doesn’t even let the door close behind him before he is yelling, “What the hell do you think you are doing now, you drugged out moron? Do you even have two brain cells left alive anymore to rub together to buy a clue?”
So, Manny was strutting around like a King boasting about he had convinced Kevin Steen to make a commitment to the IWS. (Kevin would say that he was always committed to the IWS, it was just that this is the first time in two years where Manny has been organized enough to give Kevin dates far enough in advance that Kevin could guarantee his presence rather than calling Kevin after he had already received plane tickets to wrestle elsewhere.) That glorious feeling for Manny lasted all of about sixty seconds.
Which would explain I suppose why Mr. Anger Management finally blew up at Kevin and announced that he did not care how many tickets Mr. Wrestling sold or how many PPVs he had been on or how many other federations were begging for him to appear, Manny had made him and Manny could break him…
Or rather, find someone who could.
And the ruthless sociopath that Manny’s rolodex was open to?
The maniac that Manny has hired not just to beat Kevin Steen but to end his career?
Filed under “S” for “SCUM”
(Yes, I do do Manny’s filing for him. How did you guess?)
The shovel-waving maniac himself, “Paranoid” Jake Matthews.
Of course, the real question is, when Manny announced this match why the hell was Kevin Steen looking so damn smug about it? Almost as if he had manipulated Manny into booking that match…
Scarred For Life Card To Date
ROCK vs. COCK Winner Keeps Their Job Match: Pornstar Juan vs. Twiggy
SCUM vs. STEEN “Paranoid” Jake Matthews vs. “Mr. Wrestling” Kevin Steen
IWS Title Match Pierre-Carl Ouellet vs. Viking
The dates that Kevin Steen has confirmed with the IWS: May 26th, Scarred For Life June 16th,Body Count July 14th. Summer Slaughter August 18th, Hardcore Heat September 29th, Blood, Sweat and Beers at the Medley Plan Accordingly.
The IWS presents: Scarred For Life 2007, Saturday, May 26th, 2007 at Bogey’s World Bar & Billiard, 3250 Cremazie Est (corner of Cremazie and St-Michel near the St-Michel metro), Montreal, Quebec, CANADA. Doors open at 7:00 pm, show starts at 8:00 pm, tickets are $20 for VIP, $15 for Regular. 18+, card and times subject to change. For more information go to www.syndicatewrestling.com or e-mail Llakor@hotmail.com .
No. He's from Scottland. This person's a big Scott Steiner fan, so he lists his hometown as Scott-Land. This joke has replaced the Jim Backus scenes in Angel's Revenge as the funniest thing I have ever come across in my lifetime.