StrongStyle Typings is a reference to the legend that Homicide broke his keyboard while typing an article explaining why he had Dan Maff black-balled from wrestling and stripped of his JAPW title. (Also maybe one half of the ROH title, I think I think.) As far as I know this article has never seen the light of day.
The idea is that I release these mini-articles a bit at a time. I try for one a day, but I don't always succeed. You're getting them as one OMG great almighty blob of frighteningly long text. There are some gems in this though, in my humble and incredibly biased opinion.
You may especially want to read on for my description of the IWS "Ring Rat Race"... or not.
Saturday, March 11th, 2006 Bogey's World 3250 Cremazie East, Corner of St-Michel Near Metro St-Michel Tickets: $15 REG/$20 VIP To purchase tickets in advance contact Llakor: Llakor@hotmail.com or (514) 232-3873 Doors open at 6:30PM/Show Starts at 8:00PM 18+ Times and Card Subject to Change
With Know Your Enemies just three weeks away it is time to begin unveiling the card as we try to top Praise the Violence which many fans have already told me is their early pick for show of the year.
One of the surprising results of Praise the Violence was Viking's bid to challenge EXesS for the IWS title. Many supposedly impartial observers (basically people who don't come to our shows and don't watch them on DVD) question whether Viking is ready to challenge for the IWS title. From the reaction of the IWS fans at Praise the Violence who roared their approval when Viking charged the ring to confront EXesS, the IWS faithful certainly consider that Viking deserves a title shot...
And given the way that EXesS fled like a scalded cat from the ring, the IWS champion certainly considers Viking a threat to his belt.
EXesS has agreed to fit me into his busy schedule over the weekend and let me know if he will be accepting Viking's challenge for the IWS title.
The International Wrestling Syndicate is pleased to announce that on March 11th during Know Your Enemies, it will present the first ever IWS Canadian Open.
Open to any wrestler in Canada, the winner of the match will become the Number One Contender to Kid Kamikaze's Canadian title.
The rules of the IWS Canadian Open are as follows: -The match will begin with two wrestlers in the ring. -Every two minutes another wrestler will come out to ring side. -The match will follow tornado rules: ---Wrestlers can be tagged into the ring. ---Wrestlers can enter the ring after another wrestler leaves the ring. -Wrestlers are eliminated by pin fall or by submission. -Winner is the last wrestler left after all others have been eliminated.
The first wrestler to enter his name in the IWS Canadian Open is the first man to be the IWS Canadian champion...
From the UWA Hardcore promotion in Mississauga... Ontario's Own... The Aerial Assassin...
While taking part in a photo shoot on the beaches of Cuba for the upcoming Maclean's magazine swimsuit edition, Beef Wellington was summoned to meet Cuban leader Fidel Castro, apparently a long time fan of the IWS and Beef Wellington.
During a hastily organized ceremony where Beef was given the keys to the city of Havana, capital of Cuba, Fidel Castro quizzed Beef on his future plans. Fidel was especially interested on how Beef planned to respond to El Generico's betrayal of Beef. The Cuban strong-man chastised Beef for not attacking El Generico during Praise the Violence; for giving his ex-roommate another opportunity to ambush Beef.
Beef took the chance to issue a challenge to his former best friend. Unfortunately, I am basing this story on the article (in Spanish) from the Havana daily Trabajadores. Undoubtedly, they translated Beef's challenge from English to Spanish and I then used babel-fish to translate it back to English. Some garbling no doubt occurred.
"I came to Cuba to obtain far from my hardships of IWS. But as beautiful as Cuban beaches it is; as charming as the time it has been; as to intoxicate as the Cuban women I have been - and the Cuban rum - still I am plagued to intention who my better previous friend stabbed to me in the posteriora part and I strike with the foot me in the face. The Generico, I know that to that asshole Kevin Steen has washed the brain to him, but you had an option, to mount with Kevin, to give return to your posteriora part in the IWS, to the escupida one in the ventilators or to do a pause to me. You did your option and its hour so that alive you with the consequences. If you are a man, the Generico, you will come knowledge that your enemies and you will in front do me in the ring and that will take what a courtesy of the sacador of the ass of the meat of cow J. Wellington is coming to you." -quotation courtesy of Trabajadores -translation courtesy of AltaVista's babel-fish service
The IWS champion EXesS refuses to face Viking in a one on one match declaring that the Quebec master of "Le Slap" hasn't proven himself to be championship caliber. "Some cool music and a fancy waving of your hand and a... a slap, doesn't make a champion. I have spent years perfecting my craft, learning how to twist a man's tendons, how to hyper-extend his joints, how to paralyze his muscles and this drunken buffoon who knows how to SLAP people thinks he is in my class? No. NON! PAS DU TOUT!"
They say that Wrestling is a game of human chess and if so than EXesS has chosen to block Viking, but with a piece previously unknown to chess: the Mobster.
On March 11th at Know Your Enemies, EXesS will team with Franky the Mobster to face Viking and "le partenaire qu'il choisit ou n'importe qui assez stupide d'etre volontaire de tagger avec lui."
When I accused EXesS of ducking Viking, the incensed IWS champion declared that he was "the most fightingest champion in the history of the IWS," and walked out on me.
I have to wonder: who exactly will be dumb enough to tag with Viking?
Now, personally, I have always been of the opinion that the look of a wrestler isn't half as important as what a wrestler does. Obviously a cruiser is going to use different moves than a heavyweight, but for me the uppermost concern is how well does a wrestler tell a story in the ring; how well does a wrestler interact with the crowd; how well does a wrestler execute his moves. Cardio is infinitely more important in my world, than height or weight or muscle tone.
Sadly, there are many, especially in Quebec who refuse to take a wrestler seriously if he is under six feet tall or under 250 pounds.
Joey Soprano was in the office recently and I was bitching along the lines above to Manny. Joey, the sneak, butted into this private conversation and proposed something radical: give those short-sighted Quebec fans what they want - give them a match with the four best heavyweights in Quebec in it.
Manny cocked his head and then said, "It's a crazy idea Joey, BUT IT JUST MIGHT WORK!"
(I think Manny was quoting something, but I'm not sure what.)
And, for once, I agree with Manny...
Only I think Joey Soprano pulled a fast one, because the match that he pitched (and that Manny booked) pits Joey Soprano's clients: Tomassino and "Paranoid" Jake Matthews against the Green Phantom and Pierre Carl Ouellet.
This is a match designed to make Joey Soprano's stable look good because Tomassino and Jake Matthews will be reading off the same page while PCO and Phantom have issues with one other related to Phantom costing PCO the IWS title at Season's Beatings 2004 when Phantom was guest referee... and PCO costing Phantom the IWS title at Praise the Violence 2006 when PCO was guest referee.
These are two guys with long memories and short fuses. Can they bury the hatchet? I have full confidence that they can... as long as it involves burying a hatchet in each other skulls.
Representing Auckland, New Zealand... The man... or, well lizard... who once fought off six men (and Joey Soprano) single handed to defend his tag team titles... The wrestler with the best mask in independent wrestling...
I was invited recently to watch the Hardcore Ninjaz put on a demonstration of the traditional Japanese art of puppetry called Ningyo Jyoruri also known as Bunraku named after Uemura Bunrakusai, a legendary Japanese puppeteer.
In Bunraku, the puppeteer is dressed all in black and manipulates the puppet in plain view of the audience only because the puppeteer performs in front of a black back drop he is effectively invisible. Naturally, Ninjaz are very good at this.
I will admit to not having seen a great deal of Bunraku. I was not aware that so many of the traditional Bunraku stories had to do with two ruggedly handsome albeit cowardly and treacherous Westerners who cheat and betray all around them until they are finally brought to justice by two chair-wielding Ninjaz.
It is quite something to see Twiggy consumed with anger. He literally shakes in fury. It is a little like seeing a psychotic Chihuahua.
And Twiggy has a lot to be angry about.
Most people know about Twiggy's heart. Someone his size doesn't even get in the ring without a dose of courage that would do credit to a fire fighter. Most people don't realize how smart Twiggy is when it comes to wrestling. He is like a sponge - absorbing knowledge from all around him. And when you spend as much time learning from Fred la Merveille and Beef Wellington as Twiggy has... well you are learning from the very best.
The point is that some people look at Twiggy and wonder what he is doing in the ring. They have no idea how hard he has worked to get there and how hard he has to work to prove that he deserves to be there.
That's where the anger comes from. The lack of respect. It's not just that Twiggy's partner Porn Star Juan had his jaw broken in two places by Damian. Twiggy doesn't blame Damian for the injury. It's wrestling. These things happen.
What drives Twiggy insane with rage is why he and Juan were in the ring with Damian and Beef Wellington in the first place. They were pawns. They were sacrificed. IWS owner PCP Crazy F'N Manny sent them out to be slaughtered to amuse and satisfy Kevin Steen and El Generico, who weren't even at Season's Beatings when Juan got hurt.
At Praise the Violence, Twiggy made it clear that he blames PCP Crazy F'N Manny for Juan's injury and that he wants to face Manny one-on-one in the middle of the IWS ring.
Twiggy is smart, but this is not a smart thing to do.
Manny is bigger, older, stronger than Twiggy... and he fights dirty.
Even if you were his size, getting in the ring with Manny would take guts.
They say that it is not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog.
In Twiggy's case, we are talking about a Chihuahua taking on a rabid drug-crazed Grizzly.
All of which is to say that Twiggy's heart has over come his brains. The rage has rendered him "Blood Simple".
But I can't blame him for it. There are things that you do to be able to look at yourself in the mirror. Stupid things. Scary things. Things doomed to failure. But these are the very things that a man must do... if he is really a man.
On March 11th, at Know Your Enemies, Twiggy will get his wish and he will know his enemy, and he will face PCP Crazy F'N Manny in the middle of the ring.
Speak softly Twiggy and carry one big Mother-Fucking STICK to the ring. You're going to need it.
The Third entrant in the IWS Canadian Open is a man that I have had the pleasure watching battle Chris Bishop to a draw over the IWS Canadian title and that I have watched battle Ruckus for nearly a half hour for the CZW Title.
He will be making his IWS debut on March 11th, but he has all the makings of a future IWS superstar. First of all, he is blessed with natural charisma. Second, he is extraordinarily talented. Third, he has the stamina of a marathon runner. Fourth, he seems to get stronger the more that you drop him on his head. Fifth, he is mentally disturbed and willing to take insane risks.
(Seriously, I think Osiris signs him out of a padded cell before each show. It would explain so much.)
Hailing from the UWA Hardcore promotion from Mississauga, Ontario...
The man whose wrestling is so sharp that you could cut yourself just watching him...
I didn't do an update yesterday. I was at the office ready to do it and I kept nodding off in front of the computer and then waking up with weird random messages on the computer and with the keyboard imprinted on my face. It was like I was typing in tongues.
To make matters worse, both Fred la Merveille and PCP Crazy F'N Manny burst into the room at the same time from different doors and they both start yelling at me: Fred in French; Manny in English. Then just to give me an Excedrin Number Nine headache, Fred stops and starts again in ENGLISH and Manny starts speaking in FRENCH.
(See, both are convinced that they are superb linguists. Sexxxy Eddy does too, but the word doesn't mean what Eddy thinks it means. The truth is Manny can barely speak English. His French could be considered an infraction of the "loi 101" the provincial law that governs the use of French and English in Quebec. And Fred's English? I know that he thinks speaking English shows respect to George W. Bush and the United States, I just think that he could show MORE respect by NOT speaking or especially singing English.)
To further complicate things, I sort of slipped into smile and nod mode there as I pretended that I was paying attention, while I considered the startling fact that Manny and Fred are alike. I mean there is the language divide which in their specific case is more like a chasm. Manny would have better luck having a conversation with Fred if he spoke Greek than if he spoke English or French.
But consider: both men are promoters, successful wrestling promoters, three words that normally aren't supposed to be used in the same sentence let alone strung together. Both men have an uncanny ability to gauge the mood of a crowd and do exactly what is necessary to make the crowd happy... or more often piss them off. Both men have and have had very successful stables. The most dangerous place during any wrestling show is to stand between either Fred and/or Manny and an open mike. Both men take incredible bumps. Manny's are more of the "OH MY GAWD! Someone has killed Manny!" Fred's are more along the lines of - well, what I was thinking last night is that Fred bumps like Wile E. Coyote.
And then it hit me...
Wile E. Coyote... SUPER GENIUS
Fred la Merveille... SUPER (Evil) GENIUS
PCP Crazy F'N Manny... SUPER (Evil) GENIUS
...At which point I realized that Fred and Manny had both stopped talking. (Some sort of minor miracle there.) And they were waiting me to respond. I told them I would happily post their announcements and got rid of them.
All of which is to say...
I think I know what Manny was trying to tell me.
I think I know what Fred was trying to tell me.
But I may have garbled things just a touch.
PCP Crazy F'N Manny's Announcement
Manny pointed out that Beef has challenged El Generico for Know Your Enemies, but according to Manny, El Generico will not be at Know Your Enemies because Manny is sending him to Philadelphia to wrestle in the CZW show...
-"As a special favour to my good friend John Zandig, besides its not good to give Beef what he wants. Look at what happened last month at Praise the Violence, Beef has been agitating for the tag match against El Generico and Kevin Steen for months and I finally give it to him, because I have compassion in my heart for Beef Wellington. Compassion in my heart. And what happens? Beef and Damian LOSE the match. Because Beef is a LOSER. And at Know Your Enemies, I am going to prove it.
The Hardcore Ninjaz have been bitching at me too. They want a match against 2.0 for the tag team titles. So what I am going to do is put all of my trouble-makers in one match. Beef will take on the Hardcore Ninjaz in a HANDICAP match. If Beef wins, he gets his match against El Generico. If the Ninjaz win, they get their match against 2.0. You see how compassionate I am? You see how big-hearted I am?"
(You know that sequence in The Grinch Who Stole Christmas where the Grinch's heart grew three sizes? I think in the office that day I saw the exact opposite. Manny's heart is so black and so hard and so tiny that it makes rabbit pellets look like loose stool. Oh were you eating? Sorry.)
Also, Manny told me to tell Twiggy that "What he does isn't wrestling, but if he wants me to beat him within an inch of his life and he is willing to sign a waiver that he won't try and sue me from his hospital bed... Hell, I'll kick the shit out of him. It will be fun. Giving people what they want, that's what I am all about."
Fred la Merveille's Announcement
Fred wanted me to know that he has been very disappointed with Maxime Boyer's performance in the ring.
(Personally I think Fred is insane. Maxime's hardcore brawl against Viking at Season's Beatings, and his technical match against Kid Kamikaze at Praise the Violence were both incredible matches...)
...Except of course that Maxime Boyer... Boyer... lost those matches, which is the fly doing the Australian Crawl in Fred's Red, White and Blue soup.
It comes to this: Fred has arranged for Maxime Boyer to face Player Uno at Know Your Enemies. Since Fred has previously beaten Uno with (according to Fred) "facilement - easy-ment even", there should be no difficulty for Maxime Boyer to beat Player Uno.
If Maxime Boyer does NOT beat Player Uno however he will be EXTRADITED from the SLI-USA. "Puis on va demander a George W. Bush de lui banir de l'Etas-Unis aussi!"
(I don't really thing that Fred talks to George W. Bush, so I don't think Maxime has to worry about being "banished" from the United States, but I suspect Maxime would be upset to be kicked out of the SLI-USA)
I had a chance recently to sit down and chat with Kid Kamikaze, the IWS Canadian champion and (according to him) "inspirational leader of the Kid Kamikaze Experience!"
Llakor: I understand that you have asked PCP Crazy F'n Manny to not book you in a defence for your IWS Canadian title at Know Your Enemies. Can you tell me why?
Kid Kamikaze: Fucking.
Llakor: Excuse me?
Kid Kamikaze: His name. It's not PCP Crazy F'N Manny. It's PCP Crazy FUCKING Manny. It's not Un F'N Sanctioned. It's Un FUCKING Sanctioned. See that's the problem with some people in the IWS. We've gotten soft; we've gotten careful; we've gotten politically correct. We watch our words, we watch our backs.
Well not me! Not Kid Kamikaze!
Can you even say "FUCKING" Llakor?
Kid Kamikaze: Didn't think so! Have you ever been Experienced Llakor?
Llakor: This is not about me. This is about you trying to avoid defending your Canadian title!
Kid Kamikaze: First of all, I have already defended my title twice as often as anyone who has ever held this belt.
Llakor: That wouldn't be hard. You're only the second IWS Canadian champion.
Kid Kamikaze: Shut up! Don't interrupt me. Second of all, what would be the point of defending my title? With the first ever IWS Canadian Open at Know Your Enemies selecting the next man to be defeated by me, all of my possible opponents are going to be in that match anyway.
Llakor: I think you mean the Number One Contender.
Kid Kamikaze: Number One Chump more like.
Llakor: If you're not going to be defending your IWS Canadian title at Know Your Enemies... What will you be doing?
Kid Kamikaze: Well, before our last show, Praise the Violence, the IWS tag team champions, 2.0...
Llakor: Jagged and Shane Matthews.
Kid Kamikaze: I know who the IWS tag team chapions are Llakor. Stop interrupting me! Show some respect!
Anyway, before the last show, 2.0 asked permission to borrow the services of my body guard, Vanessa Kraven to put a beating on the Hardcore Ninjaz. Naturally, I said yes. I have had some dealings with the Ninjaz in the past as you know and in my experience Ninjaz are like cockroaches. They live in the dark, they survive on a diet of junk food, they thrive on bull shit and to get rid of them you pretty much have to hit them in the head with a really big silver hammer.
Llakor: Why silver?
Kid Kamikaze: I just happen to like the colour. Not having a silver hammer on hand, I lent 2.0 the next best thing, the next BIG thing, Vanessa Kraven.
And, of course, those freaking, no those FUCKING cowards, 2.0, fled from the Ninjaz and left Vanessa Kraven to be triple teamed by the Ninjaz and Player Uno.
Llakor: Team Ninja Gaiden.
Kid Kamikaze: Yes. Will you stop doing that? It's really annoying.
Now, I don't know what the standards are for how you are supposed to act as tag team champions in the IWS these days. But, when I was IWS tag team champion...
Llakor: One half of Hi-5 with team mate Beef Wellington.
Kid Kamikaze: Yes. Right. You will show some respect to your Canadian champion.
Kid Kamikaze: Are you going to continue to interrupt me?
Llakor: No. No. NO! YEOWTCH!
Kid Kamikaze: I'm sorry, I can't quite hear you.
Llakor: NO SIR! Mr. Kamikaze! SIR!
Kid Kamikaze: That's better.
Llakor: What the hell was that?
Kid Kamikaze: Figure Four Finger Lock.
Llakor: Hurts like a bastard. It's my typing finger too.
Kid Kamikaze: Oh trust me having Kenny the Bastard power bombed on you hurts a lot worse. You big wimp. Now, where was I?
Llakor: In your day...
Kid Kamikaze: Right. In my day, tag team champions didn't walk out on their body guard...
What? No sarcastic comment?
Llakor: No. No. Carry on.
Kid Kamikaze: Outraged as I was by the way that 2.0 treated my body guard Vanessa Kraven, I decided to approach IWS management and demand that they give me a match against 2.0.
You look like you want to say something.
Llakor: No. Well, ask something.
Kid Kamikaze: Yes, the match will be for 2.0's IWS tag team titles.
No, I'm not psychic.
I'm just a very good guesser.
Yes, I probably should be playing the lottery.
Oh very well, ask your silly question.
Llakor: That was pretty impressive, but just to clarify - at Know Your Enemies, you will be fighting in a handicap match against 2.0 for their IWS tag team titles?
Kid Kamikaze: WHAT? No, I am not fighting 2.0 by myself. I am teaming with Vanessa Kraven. And if you think I am not impressed, you should see Vanessa. She has been spending the entire last three weeks practicing her knife edge chops on tackling dummies with pictures of Jagged or Shane Matthews on them. It is pretty scary to watch be honest.
The Kid Kamikaze Experience, featuring Vanessa Kraven, is going for double gold... and doubles gold!
I should point out that while 2.0 have run up a very impressive record since they reached the promised land, but the Kid Kamikaze Experience is UNDEFEATED since I added Vanessa Kraven as co-star and body guard. Write that down Llakor! U-N-D-E "Feet" -E-D! And stop whining about your finger. I just hyper-extended the joint. I didn't break it. I could have, but I didn't.
Anyway, the Kid Kamikaze Experience featuring Vanessa Kraven is UNDEFEATED! Not to mention, that the only loss that 2.0 has suffered since joining the IWS... That's right it was against me! With a little bit of help. Not much. From Beef Wellington. Actually, mostly he just got in the way. So, really, I beat 2.0 by myself. It should be even easier with Vanessa Kraven backing me up.
Anything that you want to add, you ink-stained wretch?
Llakor: Just that for the record, I rock the dead... sometimes until they dance.
Kid Kamikaze: I don't know what that means, but it sounds disgusting. You are a very odd man. And this interview is over.
One of the little traditions of the IWS that outsiders don't necessarily know about (and I suspect that I am going to get in trouble for revealing but FUCK IT! life's too short.) Where was I? Oh, yeah. We have a small bar ritual inspired by an episode of Cheers, where the wrestlers have a contest to see who can collect the most phone numbers in the bar over a pre-determined period of time - usually an hour.
Naturally, Sexxxy Eddy is the Grand Champion of this event. He almost always wins. Over the years, he has had challengers, but for one reason or another they aren't able to beat him.
Manny has a tendency to get distracted and focus on one particular girl and forget that the contest is about quantity not quality.
Dru Onyx (when he was in the IWS) would usually get off to a great start, but then invariably would run into an ex-girl friend and well, shit would happen.
Pornstar Juan would win if the event was a three hour event, but his strategy of seducing the ugliest girl in the bar and then demonstrating his Ron Jeremy-like stamina and girth, and getting her to collect the phone numbers for him - I mean it's an interesting strategy but it just takes too long to be effective. (I'm told and I have no reason to question my sources that Sexxy Eddy has the longest cock in the IWS just beating out Tomassino - while Juan has the widest, again just beating out Tomassino.)
Tomassino is a moody drunk who destroys bar furniture and only the presence of Joey Soprano and his massive roll of cash keeps Tomassino out of jail most nights. Women tend to be terrified of Tomassino, so he doesn't do well in this contest.
Joey Soprano has been banned from this contest for life for paying women for their phone numbers.
Elsa Bangz has been banned from this contest for life for seducing one of the judges. (The actual complaint was that she only seduced ONE of the three judges. If she had seduced all three she would probably have won automatically. It's not so much that she didn't succeed in seducing us that pissed me and DJ Stab off, it's that she didn't even TRY.)
Twiggy has been banned from this contest for life for telling women that he was collecting the numbers for Sexxxy Eddy.
Kid Kamikaze only does well in this contest if there are no mirrors in the bar.
Maxime Boyer? Ditto.
EXesS? Double Ditto with Baby Oil smeared on it. Also, EXesS is CRAZY! And while some women are really attracted to CRAZY, enough aren't that EXesS usually can't win this contest.
Kevin Steen, Triple Ditto. Also, some women get turned off by the fact that Steen has a really big head... and an ego to fill it.
El Generico is a great wing man. Lousy pilot.
Dan Paysan has great opening lines, a smooth start, a solid middle... and can't close worth a damn.
Guppie sweats too much.
Peter LaSalle drinks too much.
The only person who has ever done WORSE than the Amazing Darkstone in the contest was a mime who wandered into the bar and wanted to be included. Actually, I have been present when women offered Darkstone sex and he couldn't figure out how to fit it into his schedule. I mean of all the possible reactions to that offer, pulling out an agenda would have to rank as the clumsiest - wouldn't it? (Also, just for the record, it's not like his agenda was filled with OTHER sexual encounters - unless there is something perverse going on with him and bunny rabbits.)
Franky the Mobster invariably ends up in a bar fight halfway through the contest and loses too much time to win or loses his list in the fight or gets tossed from the bar or all the women in the bar leave or... well, you get the idea.
Bakais usually does well, but when Franky gets into his inevitable bar fight for some odd reason Bakais always gets knocked unconscious during the fight by a flying chair or pitcher of beer or shot glass or because he is in the wrong place at the wrong time. (Bakais once got knocked out when he was hit in the head by a flying Latino Mysterio that Franky had picked up to use as a weapon.) Bakais is never a participant in the fight, but he always ends up kayoed. It's very odd.
Kenny the Bastard is so damn cute that he ought to win at least once in a while, but some girls are a little repulsed when Kenny licks them on the cheek as a greeting. Also, Kenny has a tendency to eat his phone lists before the finish.
Ex-IWS Commissioner Joseph FitzMorris has actually collected more phone numbers than Sexxxy Eddy on a couple of occasions but was disqualified from the contest when it was discovered that he was collecting men's phone numbers.
Similarly, Uno has been disqualified for collecting phone numbers of (female) video game characters from the arcade games in the bar. (Is it weird that I am very impressed by Uno's ability to score on a regular basis with Cammy?)
For some reason, Lionel Knight has this weird issue where women keep asking him why he gives rides to transvestites.
Chris Bishop ought to be able to be competitive but his inability to speak (good) French handicaps him too much.
Fred la Merveille and Viking both have the same problem only in reverse. Viking usually does better than Fred though, much to Fred's disgust.
Jagger W. Bush is "Saving myself for my marriage."
Damian gets 100% of the phone numbers of the women that he approaches, but he tends to be too exclusive. He point blank refuses to even talk to ugly women for example.
Beef Wellington tends not to do well because he ends up spending too much time per woman getting her phone number. It's not so much the time that he spends getting the number, it's the additional time that he takes selling t-shirts.
Shayne Hawke has this weird thing going on where most women are repulsed by his lack of eyebrows... but those who aren't repulsed by him are all over him like a Siamese with a new catnip toy. Usually, these are dark-haired women who wear too much make-up and have jewelry with ankh's on them, piercings in weird places and tattoos, lots and lots of tattoos. Also, women who read X-Men.
Oddly, the Ninjaz have exactly the same issues as Hawke, but compounded by the fact that they speak NEITHER English or French. On the other hand, in addition to Goth chicks, if there are any deaf women in the bar, the Ninjaz will almost automatically score with them. The one time that the Ninjaz almost beat Eddy was because we wandered into a bar in the same hotel as a convention for the deaf-mute. The Ninjaz were going to win easily, until Eddy switched strategies and in his words "went all non-verbal and shit!" The Ninjaz still collected more numbers than Eddy, but the judges awarded the victory to Eddy because the Ninjaz list was a combined list and they didn't have twice as many phone numbers as Eddy's individual list.
The Green Phantom has come close to beating Eddy when the contest is held in Deux Montagnes following a Tournament of the Icons show, but invariably after one of those shows Eddy is injured because he attempts to do the top rope trash can over the head "Stupid-Sault" and the only thing harder than beating Eddy in this contest is beating an injured Eddy in this contest.
(The one year that Eddy actually landed the Stupid-Sault and didn't injure himself in the process, he proceeded to give himself a concussion in a match against Brutus "the Barber" Beefcake because Brutus decided not to take a top rope move from Eddy and Eddy knocked himself silly hitting the canvas instead of Brutus. He still won the contest though. (Also the tournament.) Phantom came in a close second but was pissed that he lost. He said it was like losing the contest to Bernie from "Weekend at Bernie's")
2.0 ought to do well in this contest. It seems to me that they could combine (like the Hardcore Ninjaz) and form an awesome pilot/wing man team. Unfortunately, they never seem able to agree on who is going to be the wing man. Also like Manny, they are all about getting to the Promised Land. Once having been there, they don't really feel the necessity to leave and then rush back to the Promised Land.
During the history of the contest, well at least since late 2002, there has been one rival of Eddy who has been very consistent. When he was wearing face paint, he would almost always come in fourth. When he switched to a face mask, he started coming in third on a regular basis.
And after ditching the mask at Praise the Violence, well, he raised his "Game" to a whole new level. He pretty much macked the entire bar, left with ten minutes to go in the hour long contest with five nurses from the Jewish General, and despite leaving early STILL tied Sexxxy Eddy. The secret to the tie may have been that Eddy didn't get ANY of the numbers from the nurses because he hadn't got around to them and his rival removed them from the bar when he left early. The judges, in a shocking decision, awarded the victory to Eddy's rival, the very first time that Eddy has EVER lost this contest.
(For the record, Eddy wasn't at Praise the Violence because of a family commitment, but he did come to the after-show party.)
Now, I know that you are all thinking, "Llakor, that is fascinating and all, but what in the BLUE HELL, does that have to do with Know Your Enemies?"
It is relevant, sort of...
Because the fourth entrant in the IWS Canadian Open...
One half of the most successful tag team in IWS history...
The man that the ladies tell me is the best linguist in the IWS...
(Like Sexxxy Eddy, the ladies think that "linguist" means something completely different from what it actually means. Although for the record, this rival of Eddy does speak French, English, Japanese, Korean, Cantonese, some Mandarin and I'm told that he is working on German.)
Born in Tokyo, Japan, but a citizen of Canada...
If a natural disaster could be Sexy, they would call him...
No, Mononc' Serge is NOT Viking's mystery partner. Don't be siilly.
On Friday night, Viking went to a concert at the Cabaret Théâtre du Vieux St-Jean which featured Mononc' Serge, the group who did Viking's theme song "L'Age de la Biere". Spotting Viking in the crowd, they hauled him on stage to perform "L'Age de la Biere" with them.
I don't know about you, but I find that tres tres cool.
This is probably as good a time as any to announce that Mononc' Serge and Anonymus have given official permission to the IWS to use "L'Age de la Biere" during our live shows, on our DVDs, on Bloodstream but most importantly on our weekly TV show once it starts. This is an incredibly cool gesture on their part and I would urge all the fans of the IWS to go out and buy a copy of L'Académie du Massacre the album that features "L'Age de la Biere".
***MOST IMPORTANT*** If you do order a copy of the disc (or any other albums by Mononc' Serge - or any other albums by Anonymus) drop them a line to let them know you did so, that Llakor and the IWS sent you, and that you appreciate them letting us use their song.
I used to think that it was with PCP Crazy F'N Manny that I would have the most bizarre and frustrating conversations. I mean sometimes I think that Manny is speaking a completely different version of English than me, because he will say things that make no damn sense and when I tell him what I am thinking he acts like he doesn't understand a word that I am saying.
Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?!?
But if talking to Manny is frustraing, talking to D-Vyne is... AAAAARRRGGHHH! I mean, any future mastubatory fantasies that I have involving D-Vyne are also going to have to involve a ball-gag and NOT because I am into the fetish scene, but because that way she wouldn't be talking and D-Vyne talking almost automatically leads to a migraine for me now.
For example, this morning D-Vyne called me...
D-Vyne: Llakor, why haven't you announced what I am doing at Know Your Enemies?
Llakor: Well, like I told you and Dan, I plan to announce it on my blog on Monday and release it to everyone else on Tuesday.
D-Vyne: So, you're announcing me last.
Llakor; Well, not quite last. I still have to announce a couple of participants in the IWS Canadian Open and I will probably be doing some analysis of the various matches and there is a Green Phantom profile that I need to finish...
D-Vyne: Stop babbling. Are you deliberately trying to sabotage my career?
Llakor: You have a career?
D-Vyne: SHUT UP! You can't talk to me that way.
Llakor: And what way would that be?
D-Vyne: Don't play dumb ass with me you creepy little freak. And stop staring at my breasts.
Llakor: D-Vyne you're on the phone with me.
D-Vyne: So what? You listen to me, Llakor. You are going to make my announcement to-day. TO-DAY you understand. I don't care about your stupid calendar of announcements. I want my name up NOW.
Llakor: Ummm... OK. I guess, I can do that. I'm still confused how I can be staring at your breasts over the phone. I guess I can make your announcement the same time as I announce Viking's mystery partner.
D-Vyne: Don't go all Frenchy on me you twerp. I don't want you to announce Viking's mystery partner at the same time that you make my announcement.
Llakor: And why not?
D-Vyne: You are such an idiot. First of all, everyone is dying to know who Viking's mystery partner is. So if you make my announcement at the same time, no one will be paying attention to me. Second of all, my announcement is way more important than Viking's stupid announcement.
Llakor: That makes no sense AT ALL.
D-Vyne: Do I look like I care?
Llakor: Again, there's this whole we're on the phone thing going on here.
D-Vyne: STOP INTERRUPTING ME! GOD! Dylan was right, you are the rudest little man on the planet.
Llakor: You two obviously don't get out much.
D-Vyne: Are you going to make my announcement? Don't make me call Manny.
Llakor: OK. Fine. I will announce today that at Know Your Enemies, Dan Paysan will be facing a mystery opponent of your choice in the D-Vyne Challenge. Care to give any hints as to who it is?
D-Vyne: Just that like me, he is the envy of the locker room and the fans. Just like everyone is jealous of me, everyone is jealous of him.
Llakor: JEALOUS? of you? What in Gawd's name does anyone have to be jealous of?
...And then she hung up on me.
So I am only announcing Viking's mystery partner tomorrow. Blame D-Vyne.
The title above is the punch line for a long convoluted joke about a reporter named George Rhee of Life Magazine, the search for Doctor Livingstone in Africa and a group of gourmet cannibals.
There were no lack of volunteers to become Viking's partner against the team of Franky the Mobster and EXesS. Viking is a very popular guy. I got calls from Dan Paysan, from Jimmy Stone, from Chris Bishop, from, actually from pretty much the entire UWA locker room except for the PWA pricks. Josh Prohibition actually called me to say that not only was he NOT volunteering but that no one from PWA would be "If they knew what was good for them. In fact, if Viking was on fire we wouldn't even piss on him to put out the flames."
(Josh Prohibition had no idea why I found that funny.)
Mike Quackenbush checked in. So did Pat Hamilton, as did Steve Royds.
The weird climax of people checking in was a phone call that we received at the office talking very very mucho vite in excited and completely incomprehensible Spanish. Manny is conviced it was Juventud Guerrera. I thought it might be Super Porky. Beef, naturally, is convinced that it was El Dandy. "Who are you to doubt it was El Dandy!" Joe (not ex-Commissioner Joseph FitzMorris but Little "No Face" Joe) took one look at us and said, "I don't give a fuck who the hell that was, there is no way that we are buying an airplane ticket to bring them up from Mexico. Doesn't anyone remember what happened with Sandman?"
(Referring to the famous case of another Montreal fed who in a desperate attempt to boost their ticket sales from zero to a number that could actually be counted, tried to bring in Sandman and watched helplessly as he was stopped at the border and sent back to the United States.
My suggestion that if it was in fact Juventad Guerrera trying to come to Canada, that we could end up with Juventud on the six o'clock news, running naked through Pierre Eliot Trudeau airport, screaming that his face was being chewed off by giant spiders while a horde of overweight Custom Agents chased him, totally unclear of what they were going to do once they caught him... well, my point was something along the lines of there is no such thing as bad publicity, but this was met with a stony silence until Beef found an MP3 of crickets chirping.)
In order to resolve the problem that we seemed to have too many volunteers... Somewhat in desperation to break this impasse, I sent out an open contract to be Viking's partner to my IWS roster mailing list and told everyone on the list that I would accept official offers to be Viking's partner in one of three ways: by e-mail, by fax or by someone filling out an open contract at the office. I gave a deadline and I waited.
With about ten minutes left in the deadline, he came into the office, grabbed the stack of signed contracts, threw them into my metal wastebasket and then set the contents on fire and while they burned, calmly unplugged my fax machine and computer. He then grabbed one of my remaining open contracts and signed his name to it.
I think that we all know who we are talking about right?
"Understand something Llakor. I don't care who wants to tag with Viking. On March 11th, at Know Your Enemies, there will be, there can be only one man at Viking's side. I don't care if you announce us as the Angry Aryans. I don't care if you announce us as the Original SLI or SLI Classique. I don't care if you announce us as the Sheep Herders or the Bush Whackers. I don't care if you announce us as Viking and Damian or Damian and Viking. But understand one thing Llakor. This is one time only, one night only. I am not Viking's friend. There has been too much between us for us to go back to being friends. But we can put aside our differences long enough to be allies, if only for one night.
No, I won't be there because of friendship. I will be there because I Know My Enemies! Last month, Franky the Mobster, stuck his big Italian nose into my business. During Praise the Violence, he interfered in my match against Kevin Steen and El Generico. He helped those two arrogant sons-of-bitches win their match. Now Franky of all people should know that you don't get involved in a man's business, you don't touch his honour and then walk away.
THERE IS A PRICE TO PAY!
Llakor, on March 11th, Franky is going to pay that price. And if, FOR ONE NIGHT ONLY, Viking and I have to set aside our differences and team together, ONE LAST TIME, so be it.
Tell Franky the Mobster to reserve a room in Hell, because there is no more room for him on Earth."
(Apparently, Damian is a fan of The Night of the Living Dead)
It appears that I did miss something during that evening when IWS owner PCP Crazy F'N Manny and "chef du SLI-USA" Fred la Merveille were both yelling at me alternately in both French and English (and I think in Manny's case some Greek.)
What I missed during that migraine inducing multilingual shout fest, was Fred's announcement that as part of the SLI-USA's "Croisade" on behalf of their inspiration U.S. President George W. Bush, the SLI-USA would be entering the IWS Canadian Open with the intention of winning the match to become the Number One Contender to Kid Kamikaze's title. With the ultimate goal of winning the Canadian title and renaming it the US title.
The only thing that I remain uncertain of...
WHICH member of the SLI-USA will be entering the IWS Canadian Open?
Will it be:
The newest member of the SLI-USA, a man with something to prove to Fred la Merveille (and his cousin George W. Bush)...
Jagger W. Bush
OR Will it be:
The self-proclaimed American Idol or as we like to call him around the office "Le maudit roux sans eyebrows"...
OR Will it be:
"Le Chef" or Leader of the SLI-USA and supposed confidante of U.S. Persident George W. Bush...
First of all, I would like to apologize to Blade for the premature announcement that he would be taking part in the IWS Canadian Open. What happened was, Beef was supposed to confirm with Blade before leaving for Cuba that Blade was going to enter the tournament. I was busy playing phone tag with Beef trying to get information about the card so that i could make my Strong Style Typings announcements while Beef was gone.
Running out of time, Beef asked Fred la Merveille (in English) to pass on the info to me which he did (in French). Somewhere along the line, “We’ve invited” became “He’s coming.” The game Telephone has whole new ways of garbling messages in Quebec, I tell ya.
But not to disappoint the IWS hardcore soldiers, we have found a great replacement for Blade.
Making his IWS debut...
Combining wrestling skill, high-flying ability and a mean streak a mile wide...
I love the Santo movies. One minute he's wrestling, another he's chasing down a monster, and the next he's in a whore house! There's no one even comparable in the US to Santo in Mexico, not even close.