A collection of my writings to promote our next show… Biggest news for those who don’t want to read the whole thing is that TNA’s The Fallen Angel Christopher Daniels will be coming to Montreal November 3rd to fight IWS Canadian Champion Max Boyer in a non-title match.
Strong Style Typings Freedom to Fight November 3rd at Bogey's ...But Two out of Three Ain't Bad!
So, you know how they always say that there is a clause in the contract for title matches where the champions get an automatic rematch if they lose? And some champions don't take advantage of that clause and some do?
Well, just in case you were wondering where to file the Sultans of Smirk or the Luchadors of Legalese as I have started calling them...
That is to say, 2.0, Jagged and Shane Matthews...
It was never a question of IF they were going to exercise that clause in their contract, it was just a question of HOW...
Ever since, they lost their title to the Super Smash Brothers (Player Uno and Stupefied) at the Medley during Blood, Sweat and Beers 2007, 2.0 have been burning the midnight oil, poring over their contract with an electron microscope to read the tiniest of fine print and referring to more wrestling rulebooks than I thought existed (the majority of which came from a dust covered crate marked "Chris Jericho - Conspiracy Victim".)
At one point, they even dragged former senior official P-Nut in to quiz him on the IWS book of rules.
P'Nut: When I was senior official the only rule in the IWS was - There are NO RULES!
Shane Matthews: WHAT? That makes no damn sense. If you have a rule that there are no rules, then technically you have to have at least one rule, so you are breaking your only rule.
Jagged: How did you decide who won a match?
P'Nut: By pinfall or submission.
Shane Matthews: AHA! That's two more rules!
Jagged: No wonder they fired you!
Finally, in a shout of triumph at three in the morning waking me from a dream involving Shyla Stylez, Stephanie Swift and a vat of organic peanut butter, 2.0 found their escape clause. Apparently, in the contract they signed, it says that not only do 2.0 get a rematch against the Super Smash Brothers, but...
And this is key...
Wait for it...
Wait for it...
S.M.: Okay, take a hike Lake-Whore! This is Shane Matthews
J: & Jagged
S.M.: & we are hijacking this news bulletin!
S.M.: There is no damn way!
J: No Way!
S.M.: That the Super FLUKE Bras could have beaten us for the IWS Tag Team Titles. We have done the math and it it is mathematically unpossible that it happened!
S.M.: So, what we are going to do, is we are going to exercise our contractually obligated rematch clause and as it is our right to do...
J: Our right!
J: & our left!
S.M.: We are going to pick the stipulation, and as the most professional tag team in the world today, the sole defenders of the right way of doing things...
J: & the left!
S.M.: The reigning rulers of the old school...
J: Old School!
S.M.: Great movie by the way.
J: Yeah it is good.
J: Your turn.
S.M.: Really? Where was I?
J.: Old School!
S.M.: Right! Old School. So we are going to have an Old School match. A contest that the Super Fluke Bras can't possibly win by accident like last time. We are talking Two out of Three BABY!
J: & you know Shane, in that match the Super Fluke Bros. are going to feel the flow of Two Point 0H!
S.M.: Falls that is. Two Point 0H! falls out of three!
J: We can't lose!
I think that they are gone.
So Freedom to Fight 2007, November 3rd at Bogey's, St-Michel and Cremazie, near the Metro St-Michel, the IWS Tag Team Champions The Super Smash Brothers vs. 2.0 in a Two out of Three falls match for the belt...
J: I think we killed Llakor.
S.M.: Don't touch anything. They might dust for prints. If anyone asks we were watching Balls of Fury at the AMC.
Strong Style Typings Freedom to Fight The Rookie
The IWS wrestlers do read these little typings of me, although they can be forgiven for really only paying attention when I talk about them.
In this case though, I feel the need to specifically address one wrestler in particular, namely Mister “One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.” Mister Justin White, the best graduate of Dru Onyx’ Torture Chamber, the 2006 NWA Rookie of the Year, the Super-Brat.
Justin, amigo, we need to talk…
Now, I had this whole rant stored up about how you came strolling into the IWS at the start of the year and just electrified people and were almost immediately anointed by many, myself included, as this year’s IWS Rookie of the Year.
But things change. Oh sure you are still a great technical wrestler. Still a brat. It’s not like your matches have started to stink or anything. But the hardest working newcomer in an IWS ring lately hasn’t been you. It’s been Jimmy Fucking K. He may be a toilet paper skirt wearing Goth weirdo, but the kid has got moves. And that IWS Rookie of the Year contest? It’s actually a contest now.
So, like I say I have a whole rant about that. (The above wasn’t really a rant. That was just me clearing my throat. There are about a zillion words in the thesaurus that mean complacency and I planned on using all of them. Some of them multiple times.)
But not today.
Today, I have a question and a few words of advice.
First, my question. I know that you are an annoying little brat. I know that you mysteriously take pride in this. I know that this character flaw somehow survived Dru Onyx’ best efforts to beat it out of you. All of that said, I have to know: Whose corn flakes did you piss in this time?
As for the advice? Make your will. Buy some life insurance. Kiss your girlfriend one last time. Say goodbye to your family. Make peace with your enemies. Put your affairs in order. And on November 3rd, don’t forget to wear a clean pair of underwear.
The Green Phantom is going to FUCK YOU UP!
Strong Style Typings Freedom to Fight The Missionary Position
In the second half of 2006, the IWS tag team division got a jolt of energy by what at first blush seemed an unlikely tag team: The Missionaries of Violence, Lufisto and Sexxxy Eddy. Putting a total horn dog like Eddy with a smoking hot Lufisto seemed like a recipe for the two wrestlers never making it out of the dressing room, let alone achieving success in the ring. And Eddy WAS distracted - most notably insisting that Lufisto perform the Broncobuster on him rather than on their opponents.
But the two have a history, Lufisto first appeared in the IWS as a celebrity valet for Eddy when he was IWS champion for the second – no, the third time – and his challenger The Arsenal took offence leading to a summer long feud between Lufisto and the Arsenal.
The thing that derailed the team and kept them from building momentum wasn’t the fact that they kept dry-humping each other in the ring, at times that almost seemed to work to their advantage. What kept them from gathering traction was a series of injuries both to Lufisto (who first broke her hand when Necro Butcher hit her repeatedly in her fist with his skull, healed that injury, came back and then broke her back fighting Damian) and Eddy who somehow managed to get hurt during the period between Lufisto healing her broken hand and breaking her back.
Now, good news, the Missionaries of Violence are back, only things have changed a little.
Eddy is no longer the happy-go-lucky horn dog that we used to know and love. He has turned into a bitter paranoid sociopath with a big dick who is obsessed with his hair and contemptuous of his co-stars in both wrestling and porn. Basically, he’s become Steven St. Croix with a thinner waistline and a more flexible spine.
(Personally, I blame Hottie Hollie – mandatory plug: www.hottieholly.com. Oh also, she just made an appearance on www.brazzers.com and there is a preview on there. Holly has basically ruined Eddy for interaction with other human beings.)
Which brings us neatly around to Lufisto. Now, first of all, we have this whole unsettled question of how she, Eddy and Holly will get along. I know that you, me, Eddy, practically the entire planet immediately thought some variation of threesome, ménage a trios, GGB or FFM or something along those lines, with the possible exception of Holly and Lufisto. Holly, I am almost willing to guarantee, only has sex with people if there is money involved. And while I am sure that Lufisto is as up for a good time as anybody, I don’t think that she will be terribly impressed by what Holly has done to Eddy.
Not to mention that Lufisto’s recent injuries have given her a renewed feeling of purpose and filled her head with the sounds of the ticking clock of her career. From what she has said to me and to others, she no longer feels that she has the luxury of screwing around. In her mind, if the Missionaries of Violence are to reform it is not (sadly) for the purpose of glorifying (group) sex, but for the goal of winning the IWS titles and doing that sooner rather than later.
And to accomplish that goal, I get the impression that Lufisto is prepared to team with the Devil himself… or the She-Devil in the case of Holly.
That’s a lot of pressure on the Missionaries of Violence for their first match in nearly a year. Add to that, that they are making their re-debut against a team that looks to make an immediate impact on the IWS Tag Team scene: Tall and Technical, Tomassino and EXesS. For those who don’t know, EXesS trained the hulking brute Tomassino and the two men share the same black shrivelled grumpy heart, one eighth smaller than a real human heart.
Of course, on the other hand, EXesS and Tomassino most recently tagged together when EXesS recruited Tomassino to help him kick the ass of Lufisto’s protégé Stefany Sinclair. (Vanessa Kraven was Stefany’s partner IWS trivia lovers!) So, you have to figure that Lufisto is going to be gunning for both of these two men to get some revenge for that.
And on the gripping hand, Lufisto seems to have found the sweet spot between punching as hard as she needs to and punching as hard as she wants. She doesn’t want to Necro her hand again, but by the same token she doesn’t want to pull her punches any. My in-box has been flooding with complaints from Lufisto’s sparring partners at the Association de Lutte Feminin ever since Lufisto lost to Damian at Blood, Sweat and Beers 2007. I don’t know if they blame Damian more for having beaten Lufisto and pissing her off, or me for printing her shoot comments about why she lost to Damian. (Basically since coming back from her back injury, Lufisto had been fighting almost exclusively joshi and had gotten used to hitting them hard enough to knock them down, but hitting Damian hard enough to knock down a girl was almost worse than not punching him at all.)
(I have been getting umpteen variations on “C'est pas juste! Elle varge trop fort!” which I am reliably told means something along the lines of “It’s not fair! She’s too STIFF!” although honestly I have never even heard of “varge” as an expression before. I had to go to IWS super-fan “MUMUR” for a translation.)
So, yeah Tall ass-hole, Technical ass-hole, Porn-star ass-hole in a thong, Porn-star ass-hole in a skirt and a pissed off and motivated Lufisto. Should be fun!
Strong Style Typings Freedom to Fight The Boss Speaks!
"Lake-whore, tell those maggots who support my drug habit by buying tickets to my shows that I will be defending my gorgeous new belt at the next IWS show Freedom to Fight."
I'm sure that Carl Choquette is very pleased to have been given the opportunity.
"I am not giving a title shot to Carl Choquette."
Really? Cause Eric Lauze is actually mildly competent
"I am not giving a title shot to Above Standards either individually or as a team. Besides, I could snap Lauze's spine with one hand. Why are you still talking to me? Go tell the people that I will defend the title all ready!"
Strong Style Typings Freedom to Fight THE FALLEN ANGEL
I know you guys think I suffer from verbal diarrhea and I will probably indulge that later, but for now just four words:
Daniels - Boyer - November Third
Strong Style Typings Freedom to Fight The K's Have It!
I feel sort of guilty for announcing this AFTER blowing people's minds by telling them that the FUCKING FALLEN ANGEL Christopher Daniels is coming to Montreal to fight Max Boyer...
November 3rd at Bogey's! Buy Your VIP Tickets NOW! Can't stop using! exclamation! points!!!!!
And Manny insisted that I mention that Max Boyer's Canadian Title will not be on the line against Christopher Daniels. He claims (if you ask him) that it is because Daniels is ineligible to win the title because he is not Canadian.
Does sound like a rule that he made up on the spot doesn't it?
But I heard him explaining to an upset Max Boyer - who wanted to put his belt on the line - that there was no way in hell that he was going to pay to bring in Christopher Daniels every month to defend the IWS Canadian title.
Naturally this pissed off Max even more because Manny thinks that Max has no chance of beating Christopher Daniels.
So, where was I? Oh yeah last match to announce before I write the preview (tomorrow night hopefully)
On one side, you have a guy who has been turning heads ever since he filled in with what was pretty much a "Well, let's watch the IWS crowd tear this new kid into shreds. Should be fun." match.
Sometimes, though, you give the guy the ball to run up the middle for no yards and they mysteriously find a seam, avoid one tackle, break two others and they are scampering for the end zone on what was supposed to be a play to eat up the clock.
My Patriots are doing quite fine thanks. Is it that obvious that I am obsessed?
He holds an impressive victory against Dan Paysan. He was the star of the ladder match at Blood, Sweat and Beers 2007 despite not winning. And he looks like a guy set to go on a serious roll. He is Jimmy K.
Just one teensy, tiny problem with that whole "going on a serious roll" thing. His opponent will be Kid Kamikaze, a guy who hates to lose so much that he holds a lifetime record against his BEST FRIEND of something like 30-1. Flat out, the IWS' Technical Wizard simply HATES TO LOSE.
And there is nothing that a veteran like Kid Kamikaze likes to do than trip the rookie and step on his head.
More importantly, I suppose, November 3rd will go a long way to determining who the IWS Rookie of the Year is as the only real contenders are Jimmy K and Justin White.
Justin White, if you remember, now has less than three weeks to live. The Green Phantom Flu is a killer.
Freedom to Fight 2007 Saturday, November 3rd, 2007 Bogey's World, Montreal, Quebec, CANADA
Matches announced to date:
Maxime Boyer vs. The Fallen Angel Christopher Daniels
IWS Tag Team Title Match Best Two out of Three Falls: IWS Champions The Super Smash Brothers (Player Uno and Stupefied) vs. 2.0 (Jagged and Shane Matthews)
The Missionaries of Violence (Sexxxy Eddy and Lufisto) vs. EXesS and Tomassino
IWS Owner and Champion PCP Crazy F'N Manny WILL defend his IWS Title.
Jimmy K vs. Kid Kamikaze
The IWS presents: Freedom to Fight, Saturday, November 3rd, 2007 at Bogey’s World Bar & Billiard, 3250 Cremazie Est (corner of Cremazie and St-Michel near the St-Michel metro), Montreal, Quebec, CANADA. Doors open at 7:00 pm, show starts at 8:00 pm, tickets are $20 for VIP, $15 for Regular. 18+, card and times subject to change. For more information go to www.syndicatewrestling.com or e-mail Llakor@hotmail.com .
The IWS presents: Season’s Beatings, Saturday, December 1st, 2007 at Bogey’s World Bar & Billiard, 3250 Cremazie Est (corner of Cremazie and St-Michel near the St-Michel metro), Montreal, Quebec, CANADA. Doors open at 7:00 pm, show starts at 8:00 pm, tickets are $20 for VIP, $15 for Regular. 18+, card and times subject to change. For more information go to www.syndicatewrestling.com or e-mail Llakor@hotmail.com .
The IWS proudly presents: Praise the Violence, Saturday, January 26th, 2008 featuring Sylvain Grenier vs. Pierre Carl Ouellet at the beautiful, downtown Medley, 1170 St-Denis, near the Berri-UQAM Metro. Montreal, Quebec, CANADA. Doors open at 7:30 PM, show starts at 9 PM. VIP tickets are $30, Regular tickets are $25. VIP ticket holders admitted first. VIP tickets are almost sold out so order them today. No reserved seating. Tickets can be purchased online at http://www.ticketpro.ca or in person at the Medley box office. 18+. Card and times subject to change. For more information go to www.syndicatewrestling.com or e-mail Llakor@hotmail.com .
I hope (against, hope admittedly, but still) that the tag match is awesome and everybody puts in a great effort and puts on an entertaining few minutes, just to spite everyone who's already bitching. THAT would make me happy.