I was moving last week, but now I'm back and settled in. There was a pay-per-view! We have a new Divas Champion and new Tag Team Champions! But can we get a new challenger for Sheamus' World Heavyweight Championship? Please? This is Smackdown!
Tonight, Sheamus and Randy Orton will team up against Alberto Del Rio and Dolph Ziggler! But first, we opened with Edge! Wait, Edge? Yup, it's Edge! Still with short hair, for those keeping score. Ah, there's a Syfy show guest-starring him after Smackdown, okay. Well, I'm not watching this on Syfy, so that doesn't mean much to me, does it? Large ovation for Edge, as expected. "Thank you Edge" chants! Give him the mic, and let me try my hand at something new!
"Wow. That never gets old. Alright, there's a few reasons that I'm here. First of all, Philly is the home of the Broad Street Bullies." Ah, so we're in Philadelphia. Thanks for letting me know that, WWE! "And B, y'know, it was eighteen months ago that I was forced into retirement. I've said it before, I'd boo it too. But, ah, I kind of wondered what do I do now. This is all I've ever done, it's all I ever wanted to do. Now, here's my cheap plug, I'm getting my cheap plug in so bear with me. I've happened to fall into a cool show called Haven. And, uh, it's been a lot of fun, it actually premieres right after Smackdown tonight on Syfy, so there's that out of the way, hopefully you watch it. But! Here's the thing, I ah, I've been at home, and it's kind of like the circle of life, I've been able to start watching WWE as a fan again, and y'know, not just, just like all of you guys, not just as a performer, just able to sit down as a fan and watch it. Now I've seen a lot of crazy things in my career. I've seen a lot of crazy things as a fan. But I've never quite seen anything like this."
Roll the footage of Kane and Daniel Bryan from Monday night on Raw! Hug it out! Edge is interjecting himself into this angle?
"Yes!" chants from the crowd. "Now, I know I've been away for a little while, but can anyone explain to me how the Devil's Favourite Demon, and old goatboy, were able to become BFFs? And more importantly, how did THEY become Tag Team Champions? I mean, I'm a twelve time Tag Team Champion, I know what it takes to become a-"
And there's the interruption by Daniel Bryan's music, as he entered with mic and title to offer a counterpoint. "Ahem, ahem, ahem. I just want to correct you on your usage of pronouns. Because 'they' did not become the Tag Team Champions. I am the Tag Team Champions. Did you hear me? I'm the Tag Team Champions! I'm the Tag Team Champions! I'm the Tag Team Champions!" "Whoa, whoa whoa whoa! Calm down. Try decaf. Dude, this is what I'm talking about, this entire arena is trying to get a rise out of you, and you're off in your own little world with this mantra completely oblivious. How did you pull this off?" "Easily, Edge. I'm in control of myself. I am an anchor. I am a rock. I *deep breath* am one with my emotions." More "Yes!" chants, but Bryan ignored them. "Are you, uh, are you kidding me?" "No. And I can see how someone like YOU would be suspicious." "Excuse me?" "Interesting choice of words. Excuse me. Dr. Shelby has been teaching us that our subconscious thoughts often emerge in the heat of the moment. Let me think, who do the words 'excuse me' make me think of... Let me ask you a question, Edge. Do you often think of your ex-wife? Do you think of the pain that you caused each other? Because I have a theory. Your theme music explains it all. 'You think you know me'. But does anyone really know you, Edge? I mean, truly deeply know you? Deep down, right here? I've got some advice for you, Edge. Go back to acting. Go back to retirement. Because I am a redwood, there is nothing that you or any of these people can do to make me snap." More "Yes!" chants, as expected. "Well played, grasshopper. But my intention wasn't to make you snap. But, now that you mention it, it does kind of sound like a challenge." "No it doesn't." "Yes it does." "No, it doesn't!" "Yes it does." "No." "Yes." "No!" "Yes." "NO!" "Yes." "NO!" "Yes." "NO! NO! NO!" "You're right, guys, this is fun."
And hellfire and brimstone heralded the arrival of Kane, to interrupt Bryan's latest meltdown. "You're both wrong. Because I am the Tag Team Champions!" "I'm the Tag Team Champions!" And so on back and forth. "Guys, guys, guys, guys! GUYS!" "Edge, you seem angry." "Yeah, take it easy, man." "Y'know, Dr. Shelby's got some great relaxation exercises, you could try them-" "Gahbahwha, relaxation exercises? Are you serious!? I guh, wha.. okay, you guys have tortured each other for weeks, you've stolen each other's girlfriends, you've beat each other up for night after night after night after night. Okay, but here's the thing. I get Daniel being at one with himself, inner peace, being a vegan, deep breaths, all that stuff. Good job, way to go buddy. But you! You are not Barney the Big Red Dinosaur. You're the Big Red Machine! I, uh, you and I have done some things. I stole your wife. And then you broke up my wedding with your ex-wife by tombstoning a priest! I tortured your father, I threw pizza on his face, we've tortured each other, we've done horrible things to each other. Do you remember any of that?" "Yes. I do remember all of that. And I think that I need to rectify that situation right now." Edge took off his jacket, looking ready to fight. But Kane had different ideas, as a "Hug it out" chant fired up, and he spread his arms for the embrace. Edge looked skeptical. Bryan just looked on. After one last doubting look, Edge was finally hugged by Kane, though he didn't exactly hug back. Ah, there was the pat on the back. And cue the Bryan tantrum. "No. No. No! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!" "Daniel." Edge called out to him, and waved him over to the hug. Kane invited him over too. Bryan spread his own arms and moved in for the group hug, but was interrupted by Hallelujah, as Damien Sandow made his arrival. Could I have picked a longer segment to try transcribing dialogue on?
Sandow looked disgusted with things. "Allow me to beg your indulgance for one moment. My name is Damien Sandow and I am here to help all of you! For the past fortnight, this very serial has been plagued by the sophomoric and tasteless operetta of these two miscreants. The shame and humiliation emanating from betwixt those ropes as these combatants attempt to 'hug it out' is a complete abomination! And you, you halfwits! You're all laughing this up the way a parched street canine laps at a feces-infested puddle only proves how fast and far this enterprise has fallen!" Damien, that's not a proper sentence! "As your intellectual saviour and martyr, I-" "Would you shut up!" Thanks, Edge? "Y'know, I could sit here and watch these two argue and hug it out for the whole show, but thirty seconds of hearing you speak and I already want to swallow my own barf. If you really want to do something about it, why don't you come in here and take one of these two on?" "I'm a thinking man, I don't resort to measures of physical means, thank you." "I really think, what do you guys think? Should he come down here and face one of these two?" Cheers! "Their opinion doesn't count! Their opinion is of no consequence?" "Okay, what do you think? Should Damien Sandow fight Daniel Bryan? Or should he fight Kane? Daniel Bryan? Kane? Yes? No? Yes? No?" Sandow's protests were falling on deaf ears, as Kane and Bryan argued while Edge goaded them on. And we go to break.
Full respect to CRZ for what he did for so long. I don't think I'll be able to handle transcriptions on a regular basis!
Damien Sandow vs. WWE Tag Team Champions Kane: Kane apparently won the contest. Off the ropes, shoulderblock took Sandow down, and he bailed out of the ring. Kane chased, Sandow tried to ambush him in the ring, but Kane outsmarted him and pulled him back out for an uppercut. Bryan was sitting at ringside. Whip to the corner, but Sandow got the elbow up. Off the ropes into a big boot. Whip, head down and Kane got kicked. Sandow bailed as Kane looked angry. Sandow wound up face to face with Bryan at ringside. "I'm the Tag Team Champions!" As Sandow looked on in disbelief, perhaps feeling compelled to correct his grammar, Kane grabbed him from behind and threw him back into the ring. He rolled all the way out the other side, then hung Kane up on the top rope. Kicks in the corner. Punches, but Kane with a back suplex to escape. Clothesline in the corner, whip to the opposite side and another clothesline. Sidewalk slam! 2 count! Kane went to the top rope. Clothesline from the top! Kane wanted the chokeslam, but there's Bryan with both tag belts to tell Kane he's the Tag Team Champions! Kane disputed that, obviously. Kane wanted the titles, but Sandow hit Kane from behind. There's the Enlightenment! 1, 2, 3! Sandow wins! Sandow wins! And Bryan departed with both belts, proclaiming himself the Tag Team Champions. Kane looked less than pleased.
Michael Cole and Josh Mathews talked about partnering with the Susan G. Komen foundation to battle breast cancer, sending it to a promo segment about it.
Backstage, Kane was tearing up everything in sight looking for Bryan. He instead found Dr. Shelby. He tried to calm the situation, but Kane was having none of it. Kane threatened to tear the beard off of Bryan's goatface strand by strand if he didn't give Kane his title(s) back. The cart behind Dr. Shelby suddenly flipped open, and Daniel Bryan popped out of it. Ha! "I do not have a goatface!" "Do too!" "Do not, you're a big red freak!" "Big red freak? Goatface!" "Big red freak!" "Goatface!" "Big red freak!" Shelby screamed like a little girl to calm them. He offered a trust exercise. "Kane? Do you promise to not rip Daniel's beard off of his face if he gives back your Tag Team Championship?" "Yes." "Daniel? Would you like it if Kane didn't rip your beard off your face." "Yes." "So..." Bryan reached into the cart and pulled out the titles, giving Kane his back reluctantly. "There is still an issue, of Daniel purposefully causing me to lose." "Okay, Kane. Would it make you feel better if I talked to Booker T and Daniel also competes in a match tonight?" "It might. It just might." "Okay." "I am the Tag Team Champions!" And Kane fled with a smile on his face, as Shelby tried to stop Bryan's angry response.
Okay, that's over a half hour into the show and it's all been Daniel Bryan and Kane so far. I approve!
Recap segment for Sheamus vs. Alberto Del Rio, and the unbanning of the Brogue Kick.
Backstage, Alberto Del Rio w/White Scarf of Purity was in Booker T's office, looking at Booker's book. Booker T entered the scene. "'Scuse me, man. What are you doing in my office?" "I was waiting for you so you don't go anywhere like you did last Sunday, coward." "Coward?" "I want you to tell me exactly what you were thinking when you reinstated the Brogue Kick at Night of Champions. You made me lose!" "I'll tell you exactly what I was thinking, man. I was thinking my investigation was complete, and my findings, yes, Brogue Kick is dangerous, it's devastating, but it's legal. Lemme tell you something, if you don't wanna get hurt, maybe you oughtta keep your nose out of Sheamus' business, aight?" "Hey, but you did it right before my match, that's not fair, Booker T." "Okay, I can understand that, maybe it wasn't fair. I feel bad about that." "Really? So that means you're going to give me another title opportunity?" "What!? Hell no! No, what you need to do, you've gotta earn a shot around here if you want one, and guess what, tonight is your lucky night, because you have a chance to do that when you tag with Dolph Ziggler against Sheamus and the Viper, Randy Orton. What do you think about that?" "This is not over, Booker T." "Yeah, it's over, dawg. There's the door right over there." Sheamus threw the book aside and departed.
Eve Torres entered, with her new championship! Eve was all smiles! She was out here for commentary. Layla in action, next!
Layla vs. Natalya: Eve talked about Layla's unsubstantiated accusations on commentary, as Layla attacked Natalya with kicks and a facebuster. Natalya came back with a 360 clothesline as Layla yelled at Eve. 2 count! Nattie went for the abdominal stretch. "Nobody cares about you!" Layla elbowed out, and reversed a powerslam. Rollup, rolled through by Nattie, who wanted the Sharpshooter! Layla powered out. A single-leg takedown was countered by Layla into the Layout, and that got her the win! Eve said she looked forward to Layla's mandated rematch, whenever that'd be.
Alberto Del Rio w/Ricardo Rodriguez, a Lamborghini Spider worth $195,000 and the White Scarf of Purity and Dolph Ziggler w/Vickie Guerrero vs. Sheamus and Randy Orton: Why does Vickie get to display more cleavage than any of the actual divas? Does Vickie count as a diva? Have they ever acknowledged that? Anyway, we have a match, right after these commercials!
Sheamus and Del Rio started. Back into the corner, Del Rio broke at 4, then landed kicks and punches. Sheamus hit a kick and a swinging neckbreaker for one. Tag to Orton, and Sheamus held him for a dropkick. Another one count. Kneedrop, then the Garvin Stomp. Tag back to Sheamus. Cole wished JBL good luck with Mount Kilimanjaro. Del Rio hit the corner enziguiri to Sheamus' shoulder. Whip, reversed, but Del Rio got the elbow up. Sheamus caught him with the Finlay Roll anyway. Vickie and Ricardo both got up on the apron, allowing Ziggler to hit Sheamus from behind and Del Rio to retake the advantage. Sheamus kicked out, but Ziggler made the tag. Sweat-flicking elbowdrop for one! Hit the chinlock! Sheamus lifted Ziggler up and started struggling towards the tag, but Ziggler grabbed what looked like a choke and pulled Sheamus back to the mat. Tag to Del Rio, off the ropes with a kick to the ribs. Two count. Del Rio went for the arm, but Sheamus fought it off, so Del Rio grabbed the chinlock instead. Punches to escape, off the ropes, but Del Rio landed the kick. Sheamus then hit a powerslam! Could he make the tag? Tag to Orton! Clotheslines for Del Rio! Powerslam! Orton hit the second-rope DDT! Viper coil! Ziggler tried to interfere, but took a powerslam. Now he wants the DDT on Orton, but Del Rio grabbed Orton's legs. Ziggler hung Orton up on the ropes, and Del Rio hit the Backstabber! 1, 2, no! Stomp to the head, and a tag to Ziggler. Choke against the ropes! Orton landed some kicks, but Ziggler cut off the comeback and hit the jumping clothesline for a two count. Chinlock! Orton fought his way to his feet, and hit a big back suplex. Can Orton get the tag? Ziggler tagged Del Rio, who stopped Orton from his own tag. Del Rio taunted Sheamus, then hit a superkick to Orton's shoulder. Whip, reversed, another elbow. Del Rio went to the second rope, but Orton dropkicked him all the way out to the floor! Sheamus wanted the tag! Orton crawled over, as Ricardo fed Del Rio back into the ring. Tag to Ziggler, hot tag to Sheamus! Irish hammers! Shoulderblock in the corner, kneelift dodged! Sleeper, countered! Brogue kick dodged! Ziggler went for the Fameasser, but Sheamus pushed him away and hit the Irish Curse! Del Rio broke up the count! Del Rio wanted the cross armbreaker on Sheamus. But he's not the legal man! Sheamus shoved him off and right into an RKO! Vickie passed Dolph the briefcase, but Sheamus hit the Brogue Kick before it could be used! 1, 2, 3, Sheamus and Orton win! Orton and Sheamus hug after the match, clearly trying to leech off of Bryan and Kane. It's still a little weird to see Orton actively playing to the crowd. Up next, Daniel Bryan faces Cody Rhodes! Wait, isn't that technically heel vs. heel?
WWE Tag Team Champions Daniel Bryan vs. Cody Rhodes: Bryan was already struggling to keep his cool pre-match with the "Yes!" chants. No mic time for Cody today. Bryan with a kick and uppercuts. NO!percuts? "No! No! No!" Rhodes hung Bryan up on the ropes, and landed stomps. Cover for one. Front suplex! More stomps by Rhodes. Into the corner, but Bryan reversed and landed corner No!kicks. Cody fought out, whip to the corner, Bryan flipped over. Running clothesline off the ropes. "No! No! No!" Running No!Dropkick in the corner. Going for the No!lock, but Kane entered with an explosion of flame. Bryan was still trying to get the No!lock on, until Kane made the ringposts blast in flames. That finally got Bryan's eye off the prize, and allowed Cody to hit Crossrhodes! 1, 2, 3! Kane pointed and laughed from the stage, as Bryan looked on in disbelief.
Bryan was marching backstage looking for Kane, though less destructively than Kane was earlier. Kane was still laughing when he found him. "What was THAT?" "I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about." "You know, you're absolutely right. You didn't do anything. You're completely innocent. Except for that little part where you ROYALLY SCREWED ME OVER WHEN YOU SET OFF YOUR PYRO AT THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF THE ENTIRE MATCH." "After what you did to me in my match with Sandow, consider us even." "You know what? You're just bitter because I'm the better singles competitor." "Please." "Meanwhile, you couldn't compete your way out of an arena basement. Which is exactly where you belong. A dark, dusty damp basement where you and your shiny hair and all your other stuff can just sit there and MOPE." "You know where you belong? You belong in a petting zoo, with your goatface!" "I do not belong in a petting zoo!" "You belong in a petting zoo!" "Maybe you belong in a petting zoo! Maybe it's a basement petting zoo! ...what are you two looking at?" Pan the camera over to Damien Sandow and Cody Rhodes, watching from a safe distance. The distance quickly becomes less safe. Cody's up first! "This spectacle here just proves that the two of you as Tag Team Champions, it's a complete joke." "Looks like this trivial experiment is about to come to a combustible conclusion." "Oh yeah? You think WE'RE a joke?" "You want to see something combust?" "How about the two of us-" "-versus the two of you-" "TONIGHT!" Bryan and Kane finished that in unison. Rhodes and Sandow both retreated. Bryan turned back to Kane and nodded. "I think they're scared of me." "They're scared of me." "No, they're scared of me." "They're scared of me." "They're scared of me!" "They're scared of me." "Look at me! They're scared of me!" "Yeah, look at you. They're scared of me!" And the bickering continued.
Now a recap of Cena and Punk. We saw this on Raw!
After the recap, they talked about Cena's surgery by Dr. James Andrews. A Cena tweet was shown saying he'd try to be active again ASAP. Brodus Clay made his entrance. He would be in action next!
Brodus Clay vs. Heath Slater: Hey, Heath Slater got a full intro at least. Heath tried to outdaance Brodus, then gave him a shove. Clothesline ducked, but Brodus hit a bodyslam, then mocked Slater's air guitar. Punch to the gut, running kneelift by Clay. Whip off the ropes, Slater with the kick, followed by punches. Crossbody caught and turned into the Sheeplex! Slater grabbed the bottom rope for safety, but here are Drew McIntyre and Jinder Mahal out of nowhere to attack Brodus for the DQ! Huh? They stomp him down, and hit a BIG double suplex on Brodus! The Funkadactyls looked on in dismay as the beatdown continued. Future Shock on Clay! Mahal locked on the Camel Clutch! Slater slapped him in the face during the hold! "You're not so big now, are you, baby?" The three raised each other's hands in victory. Air guitar by Slater! He lost the match, but he won the war. Later tonight, Kane and Daniel Bryan will team up against Cody Rhodes and Damien Sandow. There must be more Bryan/Kane!
Coming up on Monday, an interview with Jerry "The King" Lawler! But for now, we have a match!
Santino Marella w/o Cobra vs. Antonio Cesaro w/Aksana: No language display today, and this is a non-title match. Santino went for a drop toe hold, which went nowhere. A very European uppercut by Cesaro. Deadlift gutwrench suplex! A hold to the neck applied, as Aksana reclined on the ring steps. Santino punched out. Splits duck, hiptoss, running headbutt! Santino went for the Cobra! And it went right for Aksana. Cesaro with the kneelift, and he grabbed the Cobra and threw it away. Aksana couldn't quite reach it to dispose of it, and as Cesaro went off the ropes she was bumped into the ring. Cesaro pushed Santino off the ropes, and hit the press into the very European uppercut! But the ref was distracted by the injured Aksana. There was no count! Cesaro wanted to know what was wrong, ordering Aksana out of the ring. Santino with the schoolboy! 1, 2, 3! Santino wins! Santino wins! Cue the rusty trombone! Aksana tried to shrink away, massaging her hurt knee, as Cesaro looked angry. He's got the mic! "Hey, Aksana. There's something I'm thinking now in five different languages. *insert languages here* ... in English, we're finished." And he stormed off. Aksana pleaded with him to no avail. Up next, our tag team main event!
Cody Rhodes and Damien Sandow vs. WWE Tag Team Champions Daniel Bryan and WWE Tag Team Champions Kane: But first, a sneak peek at Haven featuring Edge! Okay, wait, is this a lumberjack match? The Usos, the Prime Time Players and Just Kidding are all at ringside. Bryan ripped up a "Yes! Yes! Yes!" sign on his way to the ring. And this is the third time we've had Kane's entrance pyro. How many times can he do that a day before he needs to rest? Pyromancy ain't easy! Kane started without a fight. Cody taken into the corner, punches and knees. Headbutt and stomps. Whip, clothesline ducked, Rhodes tagged out to Sandow who was brought in the hard way. Uppercut! Headbutts in the corner. Short-arm clothesline got one. Snapmare takeover and a low dropkick, but Bryan tagged himself in. They start arguing rather than double-teaming. Rhodes tagged in, but Bryan with the drop toe hold. No!kicks laid in. Running dropkick for two! Arm-wringer, and Bryan went for the tag to Kane, but pulled up at the last second. "No!" "Yes!" "No!" "Yes!" "No!" "Yes!" Rhodes shoved Bryan into Kane, then hit the Disaster Kick! It got two! Sandow went around the ring and shoved Kane into the corner. The lumberjacks stand around and do nothing. Maybe this isn't a lumberjack match, are they just watching? Sandow tagged in, stomps on Bryan. Tag back to Cody, double-team kick. Hammerlock applied. Bryan knows how to get out of that. He loved hammerlocks! Running off the ropes, both men try a crossbody and knock each other down. Tags on both sides! Punches by Kane! Into the turnbuckle, and Cody is dropped off the apron. Sandow tried a comeback, whip reversed, DDT by Kane! Kane signalled for the chokeslam! Sandow elbowed out, off the ropes, grabbed again. Chokeslam! But Rhodes with a steel chair to the back! That's a DQ! As Rhodes went for another chairshot, Bryan on the apron grabbed the chair away! Uppercut by Kane! Bryan looked on and cautiously entered the ring with the chair. He wound up to hit Rhodes, but stopped, smiled and offered the chair to Kane. Kane smiled gleefully, taking the chair and ramming it into Cody's gut! Hit to the back! Bryan has another chair now, looking at Sandow and licking his lips. Both of them laugh, Bryan and Kane both wind up. Chairshot by Bryan! Chairshot by Kane! Chairshot by Bryan! Chairshot by Kane! Chairshot, chairshot, chairshot, chairshot, chairshot, chairshot, chairshot, chairshot, chairshot, chairshot, chairshot, chairshot, chairshot! And the other tag teams start to flee, but Kane's got the Usos! Bryan with a chairshot to an Uso, and all hell is breaking loose! Bryan is chairshotting everyone, as Kane feeds them all back into the ring for him! Now everyone is down in the ring, with Bryan and Kane standing tall. They get a standing ovation! Kane grabbed the titles, turning to look to Bryan and offering him his. They pose with their chairs and belts! And there's the pyro one last time! When the Tag Team Champions are on the same page, can anyone stop them? Oh, wait, they're arguing again as the show ends.
Wait, did we just main event Smackdown with a tag team angle? Why yes, yes we did! And we're out!
I haven't watched Smackdown in months and months and BOY, did I pick the right episode to watch.
I'm sure some will say that they're running Kane/Bryan into the ground, but...I don't care. That was just amazing. The two of them have taken the WWE, tossed it up on their shoulders, and they're just running as fast as they can. I died laughing over and over again (Kane suggesting relaxation techniques to Edge is probably my favorite). AND they can work. AND they're over.
AND they singlehandedly resurrected the tag division, pretty much in one night. At least four teams now have a grudge against them. Plus, there's still Kofi/Truth (remember them?) and Rey/Sin Cara floating around as well. Will it get screwed up? Maybe. But not by Bryan/Kane themselves, because those two are gold.
I hereby take back every bad thing I ever said about Kane. It was all worth it, dammit.
"Never piss off a hawk with a blowgun" - Conan O'Brien
That Kane/Bryan/Edge/Sandow opening was amazing. I'm not actually that big of a fan of Edge's comedy in the past, but he slotted in brilliantly. 1/2 an hour of sports entertainment perfection, with a solid match to tie it all together.
That's how's it's done.
Three oinkers wearing pants, a plate of hot air, a basket of grandma's breakfast and change a bull to a gill, got it.
This show was a one trick pony. BUT! It was a golden pony with awesome written all over it. Kane&Bryan were just brilliant in everything. Good action in the orton/sheamus vs ziggler/adr match too. And I wonder if we have a new faction of sorts, to stop Brodus Clay.
I don't know how long I'm going to attempt to do this (or what even compelled me to start in the first place) but for some reason I got it in my head to compile a list of all the fictional pro wrestlers I've ever heard of ...