Alright, last week's SmackDown was decent, but MAN, did Raw ever suck the big one. I have a very bad feeling going into this show. One of the things I couldn't help but notice was how much airtime was being given to guys that weren't booked for the PPV. So for tonight's show, let's keep count of how many guys wrestle...and how many of those guys are actually booked for the PPV. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. Anyway...
What the...? When did URKEL get a reality show? And why is he hosting a show called "Total Blackout"? That's racist!
TONIGHT! It's the go-home show for Extreme Rules! It means we'll get the last buildup for Sheamus/Bryan, Orton/Kane, and...um...that's pretty much it, isn't it? Hoo boy, we're in for some crap, aren't we? Good thing I'm plenty drunk for tonight's show! SmackDown is NOW!
WWE - The Champ Is Here!
Opening credits - Do You Know Your Enemy? GET NEW OPENING MUSIC, ALREADY! Opening pyro! We are taped from Grand Rapid, MI! Tonight's main event is Sheamus facing Mark Henry. FUCK, FUCK, FUCK! Hey, there actually IS a downside to Brock punking out Josh Matthews! It means your hosts are Michael Cole and Booker T! Cole notes that Matthews is recovering from injuries sustained from an assault. So we take a look at Raw, where Brock chucks Matthews into a fence, which still gets a rousing "BWAHAHAHAHA!!!" from me! Cole says Matthews sustained stiffness and tightness in his neck and abrasions. He was thrown into a FUCKING FENCE! Yeah, it would hurt, but I'll bet any one of us could get up and walk away after about an hour! Give me a break! I'm supposed to believe this knocks him out for a WEEK? What a wuss! And fuck Josh Matthews with a spiked dildo for leaving me with Cole and Booker for a night! So yeah, we'll take a look later tonight at the contract signing from Raw, which is code for "We can't think of anything else to put on tonight." Did I mention that I have a really bad feeling about tonight's show?
So after that bit of a sour note, we begin with some AWESOMENESS, because here's DANIEL BRYAN to kick off our show! Dig all of those piped-in boos, even though the crowd shots all show the audience cheering! How DOES that happen? This week, we get six YES's! Bryan has the mic, so let's get this show on track. It's promo time!
Bryan: I...did it! I...did it! I...cut the umbilical cord and finally got rid of AJ! It feels so good. But there's still something that's bothering and me and I came out here to set the record straight. That loss at Wrestlemania...that 18-second loss to Sheamus at Wrestlemania? That...does...not count. If anything, that loss should go on AJ's record, not mine, because AJ lost that match, not me. And yet...and yet, Sheamus runs around with my championship, as if he actually won something. It's unbelievable. But I plan to rectify that situation this Sunday at Extreme Rules, because Sheamus cannot even legitimately beat me once, let alone in 2 out of 3 falls. But despite my personal feelings for The Great White, when General Manager John Laurinaitis asked me to be the special referee for Sheamus' match with Mark Henry this past Monday on Raw, I promised myself that I would call it right down the middle. I promised myself I would call it right down the middle and I did. However, there are some people who have accused me of quick-counting Sheamus' shoulders to the mat. But I think the footage speaks for itself.
We take a look back at last Monday, where Sheamus took on Mark Henry with Bryan as special referee. Bryan gave Henry the quick one-count to give Henry the win.
Bryan: See? See? Absolutely nothing wrong with that count. Yet in typical Sheamus fashion, despite knowing he would be fired if he even so much as touched me as a WWE referee, he lost his cool and I was forced to defend myself. Let's take a look.
We look at the post-match proceedings, where Sheamus wiped out Henry with the Brogue Kick, but fell to the YES! Lock.
Bryan: Wait! Pause it right there! Pause it right there! That's a beautiful picture, ladies and gentlemen. That is a beautiful picture. But now, it's question and answer time with Daniel Bryan. Did Mark Henry beat Sheamus this past Monday? Yes. Did I make Sheamus tap out in front of the entire WWE Universe. Yes! Is Sheamus' entire world title run a fluke because he took advantage of a confused and, quite frankly, not very intelligent woman? Yes. Will I regain MY World Heavyweight Championship at Extreme Rules? YES! YES! YES! YES!
We get some suspiciously piped-in "NO!" chants as Bryan plays to the crowd. Interruption comes from ALBERTO DEL RIO, of all people. This week, Alberto Del Rio joins us in a 2010 Bentley Continental. RICARDO RODRIGUEZ provides us with an intro, just because.
ADR: Has Daniel Bryan been making excuses since he lost the World Heavyweight Title at Wrestlemania in 18 seconds?
ADR: Is the winner of the Bryan/Sheamus eventually going to lose to the next #1 contender, Alberto Del Rio?
ADR: Will Daniel Bryan be forgotten when Alberto Del Rio becomes the next World Heavyweight Champion?
Show lunges towards Bryan, who wisely escapes. He then lunges for Del Rio, who does the same. That, once again, leaves poor Ricardo. Show gets him in his grasp and brings him over for a little Q&A.
Show: Now Ricardo...what do you think it is? Is it YES? Or ¡SI!?
Show chokeslams poor Ricardo for no good reason. How did this come about? Show isn't even feuding with any of these guys! What is happening here? Hit Big Show's music, because...who the hell knows? Let's go to break.
THE BIG SHOW v. ALBERTO DEL RIO: NON-TITLE MATCH Oh come on, SERIOUSLY? Look, if you're DYING to know how this match goes, why don't you take a look at last week's match, since this is pretty much a carbon copy of that...right down to the CODY RHODES interference.
WINNER BY DQ: The Big Show - I just don't get this. MATCHES WITH GUYS BOOKED FOR EXTREME RULES: 1 of 2
Post-match, Del Rio bails while Rhodes grabs some PLUNDAH! He whacks Show with a kendo stick, which he no-sells. Show whips Rhodes with a belt to send him running off. Hit Show's music. I have zero clue what the point of any of that was.
Backstage, Super Dave Laurinaitis talks to Eve Torres. Laurinaitis gives Eve the green light to change SD as she sees fit. Yeah, because I'm dying to watch a show run by Eve fucking Torres. Laurinaitis calls Teddy Long over and tells him to report to Eve.
Your hosts are the three two idiots. We look back at last Monday where Nikka Bella won the Divas title from Beth Phoenix.
Backstage, the Bellas head to the ring. Nikki faces Alicia Fox next! Oh, somebody shoot me!
Let's hear from Damien Sandow again!
"Enlightenment! Buddha once said that the greatest gift is to give others your enlightenment and to share it. Allow me to beg your indulgence for a moment. My name is Damien Sandow and I am here to help you. The Age of Enlightenment was an intellectual and social movement in the 19th century, whose sole purpose was to reform society by the advancement of knowledge. Great luminaries of this time, such as Voltaire and Sir Isaac Newton, understood the importance of bestowing their knowledge upon the ill-mannered masses. These men set a golden standard for others to aspire to. A standard that has regrettably fallen by the wayside. Take WWE, for example. A place riddled with self-righteous demagogues, whose pollution of simple minds via nonsensical catchphrases and vile theme music serves only to drive the WWE Universe to worship these falsely annointed idols. But fear not, you, the simple-minded masses. Salvation is one week away. Soon, the WWE will bear witness to a new Age of Enlightenment. An age of illumination. An illumination that will usher in the new renaissance that you so desperately and unwittingly yearn for. You're welcome."
Alicia Fox doesn't get an entrance, because she's cannon fodder, of course.
WINNER: Nikki Bella - Short and hideous, of course. MATCHES WITH GUYS BOOKED FOR EXTREME RULES: 2 of 4
Later tonight, Michael Cole interviews Randy Orton. If Orton wipes out Cole with the RKO, he'll be my NEW FAVORITE WRESTLER!!!
Ad break - New WWE.com promo. Again, should they really be marketing Undertaker here since he probably won't be coming back for another year?
Backstage, Yoshi Tatsu warms up. He's approached by the two NXT dopes. O'Neil and Young offer up some political incorrectness before asking Tatsu who his partner for tonight is. Ezekiel Jackson enters the picture. O'Neil and Young mock Jackson, as well they should, considering that Zeke hasn't won AT ALL in the last 9 months. Seriously, are they ACTIVELY trying to piss me off by putting three of the four worst wrestlers on the roster in ONE MATCH???
Elsewhere backstage, Teddy Long dusts off Big Johnny's office in a white maid's outfit. We get the cheesy saxaphone music to bring in Aksana. Long thanks Aksana for sticking by him, to which she points out that she didn't realize he was so old. Oof! Super Dave Laurinaitis and Eve Torres enter the picture and reveal that Antonio Cesaro will be having a tryout match tonight. Aksana will be the special guest ring announcer in that match. Eve also tells Long that he'll be at ringside on commentary. Laurinaitis also mentions that Long will be wearing an earpiece and that Long isn't allowed to say anything unless Laurinaitis tells him over the earpiece. SUBTLE!!! I'll bet they think they're being real cute! This isn't meta and clever! This is FUCKING ANNOYING! Get out of here with this shit!
YOSHI TATSU & EZEKIEL JACKSON v. DARREN YOUNG & TITUS O'NEIL Jackson and Tatsu get no entrance, because they're cannon fodder, of course. I really don't want to recap this match, but I'm going to give the NXT losers the benefit of the doubt and give them a second chance.
Tatsu hammers on Young in the corner, but Young comes back with a hotshot and nearly botches it. Young tags out and we get a double-team snapmare...clubbing forearm. Jesus, that's even worse than the double-team atomic drop/hairpull combo they pulled last week! Are they TRYING to "top" themselves? O'Neil hits a bodyslam and tags out. Double-team shoulderblock and Young hits an elbow for 2. Tatsu comes back with chops. Young nails both Tatsu and Jackson and tags out. The NXT dopes finish with a double-team powerbomb/neckbreaker combo, with Young nearly missing him by a mile! Fucking hell...
WINNERS: Darren Young & Titus O'Neil - I seriously don't know what to think anymore. Of all the guys that are busting their asses and languishing on NXT and Superstars with no chance of advancement...and it's these two dipshits that make the main roster. Unbelievable. MATCHES WITH GUYS BOOKED FOR EXTREME RULES: 2 of 6
Coming up next...sigh...a Michael Cole interview with Randy Orton. I am rapidly losing patience with this show.
So MICHAEL COLE is in the ring and...you know what...no. I'm honestly not in the mood for Michael Cole or any of his bullshit. So let's breeze through this.
RANDY ORTON makes his entrance. Cole reveals that John Laurinaitis issued an edict that any wrestler touching an announcer will be immediately suspended, which SUCKS ALL OF THE POTENTIAL FUN AND INTRIGUE OUT OF THIS SEGMENT!!! GODDAMMIT!!!
Video package of Kane/Orton feud to this point...and it's a long one.
Orton promises bad things for Kane. Interruption comes from JINDER MAHAL, of all people. You've got to fucking be kidding me. Ok, so Jinder Mahal hasn't been on any of the main shows for nearly 3 months and he has absolutely nothing to do with this feud. WHAT DO YOU THINK IS GOING TO HAPPEN HERE???
Mahal talks in Hindi and says nothing of note. And of course, Orton wipes him out with the RKO. Thanks for showing up, Jinder! Yeah, I can totally see why this company is willing to cannabalize a young talent just to protect Michael Cole. I'm honest-to-God flabbergasted at how this company is so willing to bury its talent for no good reason. And I don't even LIKE Jinder Mahal! But to trot him after months of not doing anything with him, only to completely bury him...I mean...what the HELL??? What is WRONG with these people???
Later tonight...main event...whatever...
We are taped from Grand Rapids, MI. AKSANA is in the ring and plays ring announcer for our next match.
TYSON KIDD v. ANTONIO CESARO Tyson Kidd doesn't get an entrance, because he's cannon fodder, of course. Even though this is a foregone conclusion, though, I want to see what CLAUDIO~! can do!
We start with a lock-up before Cesaro pounds away and hits a headbutt. Running boot hits and Cesaro rubs Kidd's face in the mat before hitting an elbow. Gutwrench suplex hits. Booker marvels at the gutwrench suplex, noting that he hasn't seen a move like that in a long time. Sigh...I don't have nearly enough alcohol for this. Cesaro launches Kidd in the air and catches him coming down with a European uppercut! Cradle pancake finishes quickly!
WINNER: Antonio Cesaro - Way too short. I really wish they had fed someone else to Cesaro rather than Kidd, but I'm just resigned at this point. MATCHES WITH GUYS BOOKED FOR EXTREME RULES: 2 of 8
Post-match, Laurinaitis orders Long to raise Cesaro's hand. And Aksana starts making out with Cesaro in front of Long! OUCH! Well, it took almost a year, but we finally got somewhere with that Aksana angle, didn't we?
Your hosts are the two...sigh...whatever.
Let's look at the Brock/Cena feud.
Backstage, Cody Rhodes makes his way to the ring for his match with The Great Khali, next!
THE GREAT KHALI v. CODY RHODES We take a look at earlier tonight when Rhodes ran in during Big Show's match and got nowhere.
Rhodes tries to wrestle Khali, like an idiot, and gets overpowered. Standard Khali power offense. Corner chop. Yay. Announcers note that the stipulation to the Show/Rhodes match will be determined by a spin of the wheel on the pre-show. SPIN THE WHEEL, MAKE THE DEAL! And of course, Booker makes the exact same joke to completely ruin it for me. Rhodes hits a low dropkick and hammers away. Khali powers Rhodes away, so Rhodes climbs up top and hits a missile dropkick for 2. Rhodes works the leg and hits the leglock. Now Rhodes goes to the headlock for some reason, so Khali powers out and makes the babyface comeback. Tree Slam is countered, but the Disaster kick is caught with the Tree Slam...for the clean pin...in a two-minute special?
WINNER: The Great Khali - I can't even begin to question the logic of this. How soon until this show is over? MATCHES WITH GUYS BOOKED FOR EXTREME RULES: 3 of 10
Backstage, Abraham Washington is with Epico, Primo, and Rosa. AW is APPALLED that the tag team champions aren't booked for the PPV! AW thinks Rosa should talk more. My head is spinning over thought of a manager getting a manager. AW gives the trio a dealine. He needs a decision by Monday! OH MAN, SIGN ME UP FOR THAT!!! Ryback enters the picture, sneers, and walks away.
Ad break - WWE Magazine promo featuring The Undertaker. Again, is it really wise to keep marketing Undertaker when he's not going to be around until 2013?
In yet another glaring example of more guys getting shunted down than moving up, the pre-show will feature Santino Marella defending the United States Championship against The Miz. You remember The Miz, right? He's been on TV only once since Wrestlemania...beating Zack Ryder in a two-minute special. I hate this company so much sometimes.
Let's go backstage! This week's jobbers choosing to spectate a Ryback match are The Usos.
JACOB KAYE v. RYBACK STOP...GIVING...THE JOBBERS...MICS!!!
Kaye charges in and gets chucked aside like a piece of meat. Kaye charges again and eats a big boot. Military press powerslam hits! Here's the "KNOCK THE PISS OUT OF YOU" LARIAT!!! Running musclebuster finishes quickly!
WINNER: Ryback - The Goldberg streak continues. Ok, I believe it's time for Ryback to start moving towards the next tier of jobbers. I hear Trent Barreta is looking for a paycheck. MATCHES WITH GUYS BOOKED FOR EXTREME RULES: 3 of 12
Let's go back to last week, where Daniel Bryan emphatically left AJ in shambles, followed by AJ murdering Natalya.
Backstage, the demoted Matt Striker catches up with AJ. Striker tries to ask about Bryan, so AJ ignores him. Striker keeps badgering her. Kaitlyn enters the picture and asks Striker what the hell is wrong with him. I agree. Take a hint, moron. So Striker exits and now Kaitlyn tries to talk to AJ. So AJ slaps the piss out of her! YEOWCH!
SHEAMUS makes his entrance for our main event. He faces Mark Henry next!
SHEAMUS v. "THE WORLD'S STRONGEST MAN" MARK HENRY: NON-TITLE MATCH We take a look again at the match these two had last Monday.
We start with a lock-up and Henry wins the power battle. Henry pounds away in the corner. Henry knocks Sheamus down with a clothesline. Sheamus comes back with a single-arm takedown for 2. Henry powers Sheamus over the top to the outside. Henry quickly rolls Sheamus back in, but Sheamus comes back with the slingshot shoulderblock for 1. Henry bails to take us to our final ad break of the night.
We come back with Henry hitting a bodyslam. Big Fat Splash misses! Henry rolls to the apron, but falls prey to the ten-count chest strikes...or so it seems, but Henry blocks the move at the fourth strike and hits back elbows. Henry drags Sheamus to the outside and chucks him into the barricade. Back in the ring, a cover gets 1. Henry goes to work with methodical offense and hits the nerve hold. More methodical offense. Sheamus comes back with Irish Hammers and a DDT for 2. Sheamus calls for the Brogue Kick, but misses and runs into a clothesline from Henry for 2. Corner charge eats boot. Sheamus climbs up and leaps over Henry, suckering him into the Brogue Kick for the pin at about 15 minutes shown.
WINNER: Sheamus - I like the chemistry these two have. I'd like it if these two had the next world title feud, but...well...Del Rio... MATCHES WITH GUYS BOOKED FOR EXTREME RULES: 4 of 14
Post-match, DANIEL BRYAN walks down the ramp and offers some sarcastic applause. Some sarcastapplause, if you will. Sheamus sees Bryan on top of the ramp and grabs the mic.
"Come on down here, fella! What's the matter? You afraid of me now? The fact that you can't hide behind a refere's shirt? Or are you afraid of the fact that I might kick your head off in 18 seconds? 18 seconds! 18 seconds!"
Sounds like Sheamus is trying to get a chant going and it...doesn't exactly catch on.
"You know, you got off easy at Wrestlemania. But Danny Boy, come this Sunday in our 2 out of 3 falls match, you're not gonna get away that easy, and it won't be a fluke, and you won't be able to blame AJ. So the question is, will I kick your arse to remain World Heavyweight Champion? And the answer is...YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!"
Closing credits, end show.
Terrible, terrible show. A whole lot of crappy matches, some of which we've already seen before, baffling booking, guys I really don't want to see on my TV (I'm looking at YOU, O'Neil and Young!), and nonsense across the board. It continues to baffle me how this company can have so many guys that would KILL to get on the main shows and the only way they can get any airtime is to get unceremoniously squashed like bugs. It's just so depressing.
I would hope things get better next week, but...well...let's see what happens after the PPV, shall we?
See you Sunday!
(edited by It's False on 28.4.12 0144)
"This is DIET Double Dew, Kyle! It only has half the caffeine and sugar of Double Dew!"
"Is Sheamus' World title run a fluke because he took advantage of a confused and, quite frankly, not-that-intelligent woman? Yes."
This is exactly how I remember it when it happened in Miami.
AJ is out of control backstage, slapping Kaitlyn the way she did. She really needs help. There's only one thing she can do: she has to win Daniel back. Only when she proves to Daniel that she deserves to be with him can she regain the happiness she's lost.
It would also help if she gave up those disgusting cheeseburgers she loves so much and commit to becoming vegan.
What's better than Twin Magic? Wholly unnecessary Twin Magic. Nikki could have won that match on her own easily but Twin Magic Powers Activated just because. After the rift that formed between Nikki and Brie when they chose opposite sides in One GM to Rule Them All, it's great that the Pink Butterfly has brought the twins back together as one.
(edited by John Orquiola on 28.4.12 0705) @CMPunk “@ZackRyder: @CMPunk She played me bro” I got your back.
I know I showed my apathy towards the Bella twins in a previous thread but now I kinda want them to not only stay in the company but keep the Pink Butterfly for a while. I typed in "Twin Magic" on youtube and realized that those two are geniuses when it comes to the bait and switch.
I think Darren Young and Titus O' Neil will grow on you It's False. That "WWF No Mercy combo finish" was a bit off though. Big Zeke ain't got no cuts!
I'm getting a Raven feel from Damien Sandow with these highly educational promos he creates.
AJ is soooo gonna interfere in Bryan vs. Shaemus
Cole wasn't gonna get RKO'd that would of been obvious so they sent out Jinder Mahal to eat it. I have no problem with this because noone cares about Jinder Mahal. He hasn't shown anything as far as entertaining potential since he debuted. My biggest problem is with characters of Middle Eastern ethnicity always coming in as heels in the WWE. This goes all the way back to the Iron Sheik, call it "The Sheik Principle". If a man comes in and is of middle eastern/asian ethnicity he must be given a turban, the use of the Camel Clutch as a finisher, and either he's wealthy and arrogant, or hates America.
Would it kill them to bring in one person of Middle Eastern or Indian origin and not jump the gun on making them a heel?
They let Cesaro/Castagnoli keep his Swiss Death(launching european uppercut)! Very European. I have no idea why he has been given an Italian sounding name either.
As much as I love the Lariat coming back in fashion, Ryback couldn't be more of a paint by numbers Goldberg if he tried. They might as well give him the security team and sparklers for his intro. Creative is stepping backwards with Ryback, I'm bored with him already.
Originally posted by Matt TrackerAntonio's finisher is weak. Safe, but soft. If you're holding a guy in that position, just sit down. And those leg wraps are weird. Harumph.
Cradle piledrivers are totally banned! That's why Jerry Lynn never came back.
Cesaro hailing from Switzerland is a shocking instance of continuity from the character of Castagnoli hailing from the United Banks of Switzerland!
Hey, IF, do you...uh...ever actually enjoy recapping ANY part of this show? Week after week, so much pain in your writing, so many overlooked plot points.
WWE website visits to The W actually gave away Teddy Long's commentary turn, but I didn't trust them enough to predict it here. (Also, I would hate for WWE website visits to The W to suddenly dry up because they became aware I was aware of them, which stoked their inherent paranoia.) I really was hoping for more, but the "People Power" sticker on the headset was a nice touch.
Originally posted by CRZHey, IF, do you...uh...ever actually enjoy recapping ANY part of this show? Week after week, so much pain in your writing, so many overlooked plot points.
I was in an especially lousy mood this week (in retrospect, there was no excuse for me blowing off the Teddy Long commentary bit), but a lot of the pain comes from the unusually-numerous instances of crap that's come to this show this year. I'm not just talking about the announcing, either. There's been a lot of silliness popping up on this show lately. And for as much as I'll rag on guys like Jinder, Zeke, DiBiase, and Hunico, it really is disheartening to see these guys try so hard, yet only pop up on this show to get killed.
So why keep going? Well...if I had walked away earlier, I'd have missed out on Daniel Bryan's awesome run, Mark Henry's Hall of Pain, Sheamus' rise as a face, etc. There is genuine gold to be found in the field of crap and that makes these recaps worthwhile.
(Of course, if I really DO hit a total boiling point, ekedolphin and I have an unspoken gentleman's agreement that will see the baton passed his way. Considering that Daniel Bryan's main event run may not be long for this world, that may be coming sooner than later.)
(edited by It's False on 29.4.12 0257)
"This is DIET Double Dew, Kyle! It only has half the caffeine and sugar of Double Dew!"
I know I am usually Debby downer, but am I the only that just doesn't care about the new talent drive on Smackdown. Its probably not going to be as terrible as TNA's will be, but you know its TNA. Ryback's Bushwacker arm thing just annoys me as well trying to Goldberg the guy. Sandow started off ok, but now I get a Sean O'Haire vibe from these promos. He needs to get into the ring. I am about sick to death from the remenants of the Nexus angle on my TV. I'll take a wait and see with Caestro.
I understand the time after Mania is usually a hard time, because things are in flux. Yet, I don't see why we are focusing on these guys when Miz can barely get on TV. I understand Its False's fustruation with this show. They shot themselves in the foot at Mania with this show after the Sheamus/Bryan match and no Teddy. People like saying Yes and Sheamus has done nothing to win back the fans. AJ/Bryan is just weird and awkward. Still, its working probably the only thing working on the show. Laurantis is no Vince and Eve is maybe a step up from Steph, but not by much. They are attracting X-Poc heat at this point unless they actually have a real plan for Smackdown than being the show, we put our second thought wrestlers on.
The Wee Baby Sheamus.Twitter: @realjoecarfley its a bit more toned down there. A bit.
You do realize that one of the films is headed by the new WWE Films division. HHH didn't exactly have to head out to Hollywood to get his name attached to that one. As for Blade, well, you got them there.