Goddammit, Syfy! What is it with you and leading into SD with terrible movies? A few weeks ago it was Elektra, this week it's The Matrix Revolutions! Garbage, BE GONE FROM MY SCREEN!
TONIGHT! We build towards Extreme Rules and the 2 out of 3 falls title match between Sheamus and Daniel Bryan. Plus, John Laurinaitis' Reign of Terrible continues! Who wants to eat? Who the fuck wants to eat? Hooray! SmackDown is NOW! Hooray!
WWE - The Champ Is Here!
Opening credits - Do You Know Your Enemy? You know, amidst all this "Will there be a draft?" talk, I'd much rather ask the question of "Will we ever get new theme songs for these shows?" ENOUGH ALREADY with Green Day and Nickelback! Opening pyro! We are taped from London, England. Tonight's main event is six-man madness with Sheamus, Randy Orton, and The Great Khali facing Daniel Bryan, Mark Henry, and Cody Rhodes.
I hear piped-in boos, so that must mean we're starting the show with DANIEL BRYAN! That's funny, I see a bunch of people with YES! signs, wearing YES! shirts, smiling and going YES! YES! YES! and yet all I can hear are boos. Imagine that. This week, we get six YES's from Bryan! He soaks in the reaction and grabs the mic. It's promo time!
Bryan: Yes. That's what I was saying when I walked down the ramp for my first-ever Wrestlemania as the World Heavyweight Champion. And then 18 seconds...it was as if my world title reign had never even happened. And now, it is hard for me to talk about what Sheamus did to me, because he didn't outwrestle me, he didn't outfight me, Sheamus took the cowardly way out. He waited 'til someone distracted me, he waited until my back was turned, and he kicked me in the face, just like he did with Alberto Del Rio, just like he did with that poor, defenseless referee, Chad Patton, which he got fined $500,000, by the way. And just like he did last week to me on SmackDown Blast From the Past. But at Extreme Rules, I will not be distracted! And at Extreme Rules, if Sheamus even so much as touches that referee, he will be fired! And at Extreme Rules, we return to the city where my rise to the top began. We return to the city where nobody thought I had a chance in hell of winning. We return to the city where I sent shockwaves throughout the entire world when I won the Money in the Bank briefcase. We return...to Chicago. And at Extreme Rules, I plan on doing the exact same thing I did before...shocking the world. Because Sheamus, you and I have a 2 out of 3 falls match, and that means that I will beat you not once, but twice. And it will not be some fluke victory like you had. It will be indisputable. It will be undeniable that I should be the World Heavyweight Champion! And as an added treat, I get to show everyone all over the world what I do best and that is wrestle! I will wrestle! I am going to outwrestle Sheamus face-to-face like a real man! And all the questions will be answered. Did Sheamus take the cowardly way out every time he kicked me in the face? YES! Does it mean a 2 out of 3 falls gives me an advantage? YES! At Extreme Rules, will I walk out the World Heavyweight Champion? YES! YES! YES!"
Interruption comes from AJ, as she comes out without music and with considerable heel heat.
AJ: Daniel...Daniel, please.
Bryan: AJ, stop, turn around, and go away!
Bryan: OH! OH! Ok, I get it! What are you here to do? Steal my spotlight? Or are you out here to distract me so Sheamus can run out and kick me in the face? Sheamus, here I am! Kick me in the face! Kick me in the face!
AJ: Stop! No, Daniel, no, it's not like that! I don't...I didn't want to have to do it this way, ok? But you won't pay attention to me and this is the only way I can see you. Can we please just talk about our problems...
Bryan: OUR problems? She's talking about OUR problems. Guess what, AJ? I don't have any problems. I HAD a problem and I got rid of it. That problem was you.
AJ: Daniel...I know we can work this out. Besides, I just wanted to see you and...wish you good luck in your match against Sheamus at Extreme Rules.
Bryan: Oh, I'm sorry, what was that? You wanted to wish me good luck? You want to know what I wish? I wish you hadn't come out here. I wish that I had never even met you. I wish that when you asked me out, I never said...yes. And actually, actually, actually, come to think about it, I wish you were never even born. And you know what, now that I'm out here, now that I'm out here answering questions, I'm gonna answer one more question, ok? I'm gonna answer one more question, ok? Is there any chance, is there any hope in my heart of hearts that I would ever, EVER take you back? No!
Bryan drops the mic and exits, leaving AJ devastated in the ring. And we fade out!
Ad break - Extreme Rules promo
We are taped from London, England. AJ's still in the ring and...I guess it's time for a match?
NATALYA v. AJ AJ's in a trance and is looking away. Natalya doesn't know what to make of this, so she tries to talk to her. So AJ greets her with a huge slap to the face! AJ backs Natalya into the corner and beats the piss out of her! It's about as convincing a beatdown as you'll see from her. Oh, there's a bell!
WINNER BY DQ: Natalya - Angle advancement, but...why use Natalya here? I mean...The Bellas are RIGHT THERE and walking out the door anyway in about a week. Why not use them here?
AJ walks back up the ramp with crazed emotions. Ohhh...she is SO costing Sheamus the title at the PPV!
Later tonight, The Big Show faces Alberto Del Rio.
It's time once again for our weekly meeting with Damien Sandow.
"Ignorance! 'Allegiance is the daughter of ignorance,' Benjamin Franklin, 1782. Allow me to beg your indulgence for one moment. My name is Damien Sandow and I am here to help you. The words of one of our founding fathers are as true today as they did over 200 years ago. Our reality is one where information is at a premium. However, many like yourselves, versus embracing this mass wealth of knowledge, choose to be more concerned with the day-to-day trials and tribulations of hoarding simpletons or which celebrity can garnish the most votes with their sad and embarrassing version of the Merengue. But fear not, you the regrettable masses, for I am going to usher in a new era of enlightenment, an era that will shun you from the doldrums of your self-imposed ignorance, but an era that will take you to new heights of moral and ethical capacity. You're welcome."
HUNICO (w/CAMACHO) v. "THE FUNKASAURUS" BRODUS CLAY (w/THE FUNKADACTYLS) Hey, Brodus, has the mic! He wants to cut a promo!
"Cut the music. Cut the music. Cut the music. I'll get there. I'll get there. Don't worry, baby, don't worry. But my little brother was supposed to be here, y'all. Where's my little brother? Funkadactyls, stop playing with me, now. Where's my little...go get my little brother! Stop playing with me, girls. They...my bad, y'all, they crazy. My little brother is...you gonna love him, man, but he's all over the place, he's busy, entrepreneur. He's the...whoo, you gonna love my little brother. Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, my little brother!"
And it's HORNSWOGGLE all Brodus'd out! Crowd digs this, so you can't fault them for that.
As for the match...well...Hunico doesn't get an entrance, because he's cannon fodder, of course.
WINNER: Brodus Clay - The Hornswoggle intro lasted longer than the match. Ok, who did Hunico piss off to get shunted into the jobber brigade?
Post-match, Hornswoggle hits Hunico with a Tadpole Splash. Again, who did Hunico piss off?
Later tonight, 6-man action!
Ad break - 3-hour Raw promo. I wonder if it's going to start with Cole humiliating JR, like every other 3-hour Raw in the last year?
Teddy Long is walking backstage looking for Aksana. He turns the corner to find Titus O'Neil and Darren Young, of all people! The NXT losers make fun of Long with some bad acting. And I mean, REALLY bad acting. Super Dave Laurinaitis enters the picture and formally introduces O'Neil and Young. Laurinaitis apparently invited them here to compete. SWEET JESUS, these two goofs are going to WRESTLE? Laurinaitis puts a Queen's guard's hat on Long and tells him not to move. Yup.
Your hosts are the three crumpets. Cole makes fun of Long some more, in case we didn't get the point. Matthews sends things backstage.
The demoted Matt Striker talks to Randy Orton about Kane attacking his father. We see a video package of what happened last week. Orton tells Striker that his father will recover and promises bad things for Kane.
B.A. Star promo. Why yes, this did play ten minutes after the Laurinaitis/Long segment, why do you ask?
THE USOS v. DARREN YOUNG & TITUS O'NEIL So O'Neil and Young make it on this show while Tyson Kidd and Alex Riley continue to rot in NXT purgatory? Life really isn't fair. Cole says O'Neil and Young worked every single week on NXT to get ready for this. Well, they've been there for two years, so I would HOPE they'd be ready by now!
Young hits a side headlock, but runs into a corkscrew forearm from Jimmy. Tag is made and Jey knocks Young down. Jey nails Young with chops and tags out. Double-team elbow gets 2 for Jimmy. Corner charge eats boot and Young stomps away. Young tags out and we see a double-team atomic drop and...hair takedown. Well, you don't see that everyday. That's because it SUCKS, but nonetheless, we trudge on. Legdrop gets 2. O'Neil shows off his dizzying array of stomps. Now he mixes things up with some corner rights. Here's a forearm and a tag out. Hey, how about a WRESTLING MOVE at some point? Young comes in for more kicking. Here's a swinging neckbreaker. Hey, a wrestling move! It gets 2! And we hit the chinlock. Jimmy comes back with a chop and makes the hot tag. Jey makes the babyface comeback. Umaga buttsplash gets 2 before O'Neil makes the save. O'Neil makes the blind tag and picks up Jey. Second-rope Hart Attack is nearly botched and yet finishes in a two-minute special.
WINNERS: Darren Young & Titus O'Neil - This match was terrible. Seriously, what have these two losers been DOING these last two years? Haven't they learned ANYTHING? The Usos deserve so much better than to job to these two clowns.
Let's shoot it off to the Raw Rebound
The Big Show walks backstage with the "Holy shit, this dude is HUGE!" camera angle. He faces Alberto Del Rio next!
Ad break - New WWE.com promo. Is it really wise to use Undertaker in these promos knowing he's not coming back for another year?
We are taped from London, England. LILIAN GARCIA introduces RICARDO RODRIGUEZ to introduce ALBERTO DEL RIO for our next match. This week, Alberto Del Rio joins us in a 2010 Aston Martin.
ALBERTO DEL RIO v. THE BIG SHOW: NON-TITLE MATCH Show overpowers Del Rio to start. Del Rio tries to avoid the corner chop, but gets shoved down. Now Show gets the corner chop. Cole mentions Big Show and Del Rio's feud from last year, but does not mention that Del Rio ran him over with a car, of course, because that would just be silly. Show chokes away in the corner. Here's a SHH! corner chop. Bodyslam and elbow gets 2. Del Rio knocks Show down by clipping him and works over the arm. We hit the armbar. More working over the arm. BORRRING! Show tries to come back with the chokeslam, but Del Rio clips him again and hits a futbol kick. Single-arm DDT hits. ADR tries for the swinging jujigatame, so Show reverses into a suplex. Show makes the babyface comeback. Show tries for the chokeslam, but Ricardo provides the distraction and CODY RHODES nails Show with the Disaster kick to give Del Rio the win.
WINNER: Alberto Del Rio - Boring match. These two don't gel well and the interference ending just made things worse.
Later tonight, 6-man action.
Ad break - Edge DVD promo
Heath Slater and Drew McIntyre are backstage getting ready to watch a squash, which is about the only way these two can get any airtime these days...unless they're being squashed themselves, of course.
DANNY LERMAN v. RYBACK Seriously, who keeps giving the jobbers mics??? He's quickly interrupted by Ryback's entrance. Whoever came up with the idea to bill Ryback as hailing from "Sin City" deserves a raise NOW! That's just plain cool!
Ryback no-sells a kick and destroys Lerman good. He picks up a prone Lerman and nails a fallaway slam. Here's the "KNOCK THE PISS OUT OF YOU" LARIAT! Running musclebuster, goodbye.
WINNER: Ryback - They've clearly been reading from The Book of Goldberg on how to build up Ryback, between the quick squashes, the high-impact moves, the intense mannerisms, and the yelling. There are many, MANY worse ideas than recycling Goldberg. I love every bit of this so far! Dammit, The E, DON'T fuck this up!
Post-match, Slater and McIntyre look on in amusement.
Later tonight, it's a 6-man main event.
Your hosts are the three bollocks. They shoot it off to the Brock sit-down interview.
Now we go backstage to Teddy Long, now in full Queen's guard gear! Oh, my sides! They are splitting! William Regal makes a token cameo and tries to get a reaction to no avail. We suddenly hear the saxaphone music, so I can safely hit the FF...wait a tick...holy shit, it's CLAUDIO CASTAGNOLI!!! Aksana introduces Claudio as "Antonio", so it looks like he's being reprogrammed. Laurinaitis opens his door and lets in Claudio and Aksana, while rubbing the whole thing in Long's face.
DANIEL BRYAN makes his entrance for tonight's main event. He gives us five more YES's! Cole repeatedly says YES to try and sound cool. You know how something's only cool until your parents start doing it? That's Michael Cole right now. Goddamn you, Michael Cole, DON'T YOU DARE ruin YES for me!!! DON'T...FUCKING...DO IT!!! Let's go to our next...
DANIEL BRYAN, "THE WORLD'S STRONGEST MAN" MARK HENRY & CODY RHODES v. SHEAMUS, "THE APEX PREDATOR" RANDY ORTON & THE GREAT KHALI Maybe I haven't noticed before, but Sheamus' theme song (available on iTunes, don't you know) is called "Written In My Face." So no, it is NOT, in fact, called "Too Many Limes." The More You Know!
Rhodes clips Khali in mid-entrance and wipes out his knee. We call in the medical staff. Well, I didn't really think they'd give this match a full half-hour. They take their sweet time in getting Khali out, so that gives time for THE BIG SHOW to come back out. Looks like Show's working twice. Cole notes that Show doesn't have the authority to insert himself into this match, but really, it's WAY too late to start using that line of logic with the way wrestling is these days. Let's take another...
DANIEL BRYAN, "THE WORLD'S STRONGEST MAN" MARK HENRY & CODY RHODES v. SHEAMUS, "THE APEX PREDATOR" RANDY ORTON & THE GREAT KHALI THE BIG SHOW We come back with Orton hitting the ten-corner punches in the corner. Announcers note that the referee allowed Show to join the match during the break. Of course, that raises the question of how the REFEREE has that authority, but really, who cares? Logic does not apply here. Rhodes quickly tags out and Bryan runs into an armdrag. Sheamus gets tagged in, so Bryan quickly tags out. Sheamus and Rhodes go into a wrestling sequence before Sheamus pounds on Rhodes in the corner. Rolling fireman's carry gets 1. Rhodes tries for the Goldust sliding uppercut, so Sheamus hits an Irish Hammer for 2. Rhodes tries for a hangman's neckbreaker, so Sheamus tries to dump him. Rhodes hangs on, so Sheamus gives him the ten-count chest strikes. Sheamus lunges towards Bryan, so Rhodes dropkicks Sheamus out and knocks him down with a baseball slide. Bryan nails Sheamus with a YAAAAAH running dropkick. Rhodes tags out to Bryan (who's apparently the World Heavyweight Champion if you believe Josh Matthews the Moron), who rolls Sheamus back in and stomps away. Crowd chants YES with every stomp. Henry tags in for the first time and works Sheamus over in the corner. Rhodes tags in and stomps some more. Rhodes hits the chinlock. Sheamus tries to come back, but gets back into the corner. Disaster kick is countered with an Irish Hammer! Orton gets the hot tag and runs through his offense. Hanging DDT hits! VIPER COIL! Bryan runs in and eats a snap powerslam! Henry runs in and wipes out Orton with a clothesline. Rhodes covers for 2 to take us to our final ad break of the night.
We come back with Henry headbutting Orton to knock him down like a tree. Bryan tags in and stomps away. YESSSSS running corner dropkick hits for 2! Diving headbutt misses! Tags are made on both sides and Show runs wild on Henry. Rhodes nails Show with a cheap shot, which allows Henry to knock down Show. Rhodes tags in and starts to work on Show's arm. Bryan tags in and stomps some more before tagging Henry. Henry hits some headbutts and tags Rhodes. Now Rhodes starts working the leg and hits the (WOO!) figure-four! Henry tags in and hits Show with the Big Fat Splash off the figure-four for 2! Bryan tags in and hits a DDT for 2 before Show bench presses Bryan to the outside. Sheamus gets the hot tag and makes the babyface comeback. On the outside, Show nails Rhodes with the Mayweather Sucker Punch! Bryan tries for the YES Lock, but Sheamus escapes. Sheamus tries for the Brogue Kick, so Bryan tags Henry. Sheamus quickly wipes out Henry with the Brogue Kick and tags out to Orton. Henry's hanging on the ropes, so Show hits him with the Mayweather Sucker Punch. Orton, the legal man, finishes Henry with the RKO for the pin at about 20 minutes.
WINNERS: Sheamus, Randy Orton & The Big Show - Pretty good six-man that got really hot at the end.
Post-match, the faces celebrate to end the show.
It's a pretty decent SmackDown this week. The great stuff continues to stand out, like Bryan's dynamite promos, the progression of AJ, the continued buildup of Ryback, and the main event.
We also got some new faces this week. Some of them (CLAUDIO~!) much better than others (the NXT losers). We've debuted roughly five guys on this show in the last month, so I'm guessing the time for Spring Cleaning is looming.
(And seriously, if The E is really dead set on getting everyone to stop chanting YES, they could just have Michael Cole keep doing it himself, like he was before the main event. He's honest-to-God poison.)
Until next time!
(edited by It's False on 21.4.12 0208)
"This is DIET Double Dew, Kyle! It only has half the caffeine and sugar of Double Dew!"
Originally posted by It's False Angle advancement, but...why use Natalya here? I mean...The Bellas are RIGHT THERE and walking out the door anyway in about a week. Why not use them here?
Because they don't care about Natalya.
The lack of crowd empathy for AJ is the biggest problem in this whole angle. Boos when she comes out, silence and scattered applause when she lost it. In general, the crowd doesn't care about her either.
However, what I'd love to see is for AJ to get a new boyfriend and Daniel getting jealous and deciding he wants her back, a la Ryan and Kelly on The Office this week.
“@ZackRyder: @CMPunk She played me bro” I got your back.
I am hoping the fans just like saying Yes! and that is why Bryan is getting cheers as well as being fucked over at Mania. Instead of thinking the reason the WWE fans booing AJ and siding with Bryan, is that they secretly hate women. I am trying real hard not to think that deep about it.
Smackdown being the next stop for NXT makes sense. I just sorta wish they would have put Lord A-Train on Smackdown to give Orton someone to face after Kane or to steam roll through their rather weak faces. Brock and him on the same show just doesn't work.
(edited by lotjx on 21.4.12 1421) The Wee Baby Sheamus.Twitter: @realjoecarfley its a bit more toned down there. A bit.
I didn't get to the show until after the first half hour, but just reading that they stuck Hornswoggle into the Funkasaurus act reeks of Vince. Something like "How dare you get over with this overblown, career-killing gimmick we gave your fat fatass". Hopefully it's just a one-time "we're in the UK and Hornswoggle is Irish" special.
Good call on Cole doing his best to uncool the "Yes" chants, just when you get ready to credit his improved announcing, they turn the obnoxiousness back up to a solid 8. At least when Schaivone stopped caring, he defaulted to a consistent layer of BS overhyping. Teasing us with competence and then switching back to HEEL Cole every other week or so sucks worse, just because you figure he could be tolerable - if a certain guy wasn't shouting in Cole's ear whenever a certain guy gets a bug up his ass.
Now I can see where the E doesn't want another "What" on their hands, but see above for suspicion that backstage is mad that Bryan is getting over in a way they didn't plan. (And I bet they're very satisfied with Tensai and Ryback.)
So for post WM-debuts you have those last two plus Lesnar, O'Neal, Young and "Antonio" Castagnoli - that's 6 additions to the roster. 8 if you count Sakamoto and AW? Are they just waiting for the end of the Europe trip to make the cuts that must be coming? With the ratings settling back, I don't see them ending the Raw SuperShows.
I'll have to seek out the opening segment, but Cole absolutely killed my enjoyment of the show this week.
I wonder about the double decker bus, taxi, and telephone booth set pieces they have on stage every time Raw comes to London. Does WWE own them and just pay to store them until next time they do a show there?
I guess that goes for the ring, TitanTron, lights and everything else. Do they have a set they leave in Europe or just fly everything over each time?
Since taking the belt, Sheamus has become dead boring. I'm surprised he hasn't at least reached out to AJ to give something to add to this angle. It's all AJ and Bryan so far. I'm almost begining to think she's gonna turn full heel at the PPV and distract Sheamus to prove her worth to Bryan.
"To be the man, you gotta beat demands." -- The Lovely Mrs. Tracker
Originally posted by dwatersI wonder about the double decker bus, taxi, and telephone booth set pieces they have on stage every time Raw comes to London. Does WWE own them and just pay to store them until next time they do a show there?
I guess that goes for the ring, TitanTron, lights and everything else. Do they have a set they leave in Europe or just fly everything over each time?
IT would make sense to keep some stuff in storage over in Europe, since they store there a couple times a year now.
The stage set is probably rented. It's not like they would be a shortage of things like double decker buses and non-TARDIS police boxes.
I truly hate admitting this, but I was really impressed with tonights segments. With the exception of Dawn crying over the casket and stopping dead to look up and see if the camera was on her then looking back down and start crying again...