TONIGHT! It's a special edition of Foregone Conclusion Theater. In our main event, CM Punk teams with Sheamus to face Daniel Bryan and The Miz. Guess...take ONE FREAKIN WILD GUESS how this one's going to end! Plus, the feuding GM's continue to build their teams for Wrestlemania, so look for more arguing and more of Michael Cole's jackassery. This should be fun. SmackDown is NOW!
WWE - The Champ is Here!
Opening credits - Do You Know Your Enemy? Opening pyro! We are 9 nights away from Wrestlemania. We see tonight's main event, CM Punk/Sheamus facing Daniel Bryan/The Miz. We are taped from Newark, NJ.
LILIAN GARCIA introduces World Heavyweight Champion DANIEL BRYAN (w/AJ) for tonight's opening promo. This week, we get six YES's! Your hosts are the three pissants. Cole sucks up to Bryan and the announcers generally say nothing of note, as usual. It's promo time!
Daniel: The first thing I would like to say is YES! YES! YES! Now...I could talk about myself all night. But I'm gonna put AJ on the spot. AJ, tell me...nonono...tell everyone what it's like to be in love with the World Heavyweight Champion.
AJ: Well, first of all, I have a match tonight. And...and Daniel's gonna be in my corner and...
Daniel: Ahem...just answer the question.
AJ: Well...in a word...it's heaven. Nobody really knows this, but...Daniel caresses me. And...and he has the softest lips. And sometimes, at night...we spoon. Danny, Danny's...
Bryan removes the mic and starts talking in AJ's ear, chiding her for calling him "Danny," because it's DANIEL, dammit!
AJ: I'm sorry. Daniel...is brave...courageous...generous.........as a vegan, his body is his temple. His mind and spirit are pure. And above all of that...he makes me feel safe. And that's why, I really enjoy cuddling.
Now Bryan whispers in her ear and, this time, we can't make out what he's saying. Whatever he says, AJ reacts a bit incredulously.
AJ: ............Daniel Bryan......is a great lover.
Daniel: And at Wrestlemania...?
AJ: And at Wrestlemania, he's going to make that big Irish brute tap out.
Daniel: And therefore...?
AJ: And therefore, he will continue on his path towards becoming the greatest of all-time!
Daniel: Let's hear it for AJ! And better yet, let's hear it for ME! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!
Hit Bryan's music to put an end to a GLORIOUS promo! Holy crap, that was awesome! But it's not over yet. Interruption quickly comes from "THE GREAT WHITE" SHEAMUS, because the promo hasn't reached its minimum of 10 minutes. So let's give him a mic and keep going.
Sheamus: Ha...no disrespect to AJ, but before I came out here, I actually threw up in my mouth. I can still taste it. It's bad. Seriously, AJ, come on. You really think your boyfriend, Daniel, here, is brave and courageous? Really? Serious? Well, you know what I think? I think you're a sniveling little coward. And AJ says your lips are so soft? Ha...I don't even want to go there. But I'll tell you where I do want to go and that's Wrestlemania. 'Cause if you don't like being called Danny...
Daniel: My name is DANIEL!
Sheamus tries to keep going, but a "Danny" chant has suddenly started up. HA!
Sheamus: Well, Danny Boy. I can call you Danny Boy, right? Actually, I think it's a great name! Danny Boy!
The crowd seems to like their version better, as we've now mixed the "Danny" chants with "Danny Boy" chants.
Sheamus: If you don't like being called that, you sure as hell aren't going to like being called former...World...Heavyweight...Champion. Seriously, though, at Wrestlemania, I'm going to kick your teeth down your throat.
Hit Sheamus' music! That was a pretty good bit, so leave it to the announcers to try and immediately wear it out.
Mark Henry makes his way through the backstage area. He faces R-Truth next!
Ad break - Promo for "Once In A Lifetime," a candid documentary following Rock and Cena, which airs an hour before Raw.
WWE Smack of the Night is presented by Clear 4G - David Otunga beats Santino on Raw with the shitty spinebuster. Dig Laurinaitis blowing a RUSTY TROMBONE! SHUT THE FUCK UP, COLE!
R-TRUTH v. "THE WORLD'S STRONGEST MAN" MARK HENRY Truth tries to stick and move to start, but quickly eats a headbutt. Henry powers Truth down with methodical offense. Truth tries to speed things up and eats a clothesline for his troubles. Henry tosses Truth out. I don't mind a methodical pace, but this is leaving more openings for Cole and Booker to argue and I'm SICK TO DEATH of hearing those two chickens cluck all the time! Truth tries to come back, but Henry won't budge. Big fat elbow misses. Truth hits a seated dropkick and DDT for 1. Truth looks like he's out of ideas, so he goes up top. Top-rope crossbody is caught and World's Strongest Slam (a BIG one this week!) finishes in a two-minute special.
WINNER: Mark Henry - Borderline squash. I like that they're making Henry a dominant force again, Cena silliness aside.
Later tonight, The Big Show faces Kane. Oh, goddammit, didn't we just SEE this match last Monday? Didn't it suck then, too?
We are taped from Newark, NJ. We take a look at the newset HOF inductee. Holy crap, it's Yokozuna! That's a daring selection to say the least, given that he was a Samoan guy playing a Japanese sumo. Highlights include his Wrestlemania IX title win, and we hear from Jim Ross, Gerald Brisco, Steve Austin, and Rikishi (!) about his personality outside the ring.
Your hosts are the three dipshits. They shoot it off to footage from last Monday, where Zack Ryder lobbied to be on Team Teddy.
That takes us backstage to Team Teddy watching the footage. Zack Ryder enters the picture and appeals to Teddy Long. Long expresses skepticism, given Ryder's current situation with Eve. Ryder anticipated this, so he calls in Hornswoggle waving a giant Team Teddy flag with Long's face on it! Long still says no, so Ryder waves in his next big idea. It's The Great Khali and he's completely Ryder'd-out with headband, sunglasses, and Ryder T-shirt. It's the stoic look, more than anything, that makes this visual hilarious! Ryder offers a package deal, noting that if he's let in, he'll bring in Khali. Long accepts this. Why do I feel like this is somehow a backhanded compliment to Ryder? Whatever, the point is, pencil in Ryder and Khali for Team Teddy. I'm just glad to have Ryder doing something meaningful (read: NOT Eve-related) at Wrestlemania. Of course, if he eats the pinfall, I take back everything I said and they can bite my left one.
AJ (w/DANIEL BRYAN) v. BRIE BELLA (w/NIKKI BELLA) AJ gets no entrance, even though Daniel Bryan's there? That's sacrilege! She's clearly not cannon fodder, so what the hell? And I demand another Daniel Bryan entrance! We get a Wrestling Challenge insert promo with the Bellas, who start arguing amongst themselves. Bryan and AJ share a good-luck kiss to start.
Brie grabs a headlock to start and tosses AJ down by the hair. AJ goes to her corner for some advice from Bryan. Brie grabs a headlock again. AJ comes back with a spinning elbow. Matthews brings up Bryan going to "social media" to list the ways that AJ can be a better girlfriend. Two questions: One, is that true, because that's kind of awesome? Two, are they consciously trying to stop saying "Twitter" so people won't jump all over them for constantly mentioning Twitter? IT'S THE SAME THING, YOU IDIOTS! You can't just say "social media" 100 times and then claim "Well, we aren't talking about Twitter, are we?" Dopes! If it sounds like I'm going on a rant, it's because this match is the drizzling shits. The best part of this match is Bryan's corner advice. AJ's grabs the armbar and we get an argument between Bryan and Nikki on the apron. Brie tries to waffle AJ from behind and nails Nikki, which allows AJ to hit her devastating finishing move, the roll-up, for the pin in another two-minute special.
WINNER: AJ - And again, BRYAN starts celebrating like crazy! He really is the greatest! Oh, right, the match...um...yeah, drizzling shits.
Post-match, Nikki Bella grabs the mic and gets on Brie for not taking her advice. Nikki says she's rooting for Team Teddy, while Brie says she's rooting for Team Teddy. Well, glad to know who The Bellas are rooting for. Truly, I can sleep comfortably tonight knowing who The Bellas are endorsing!
Later tonight, it's main event tag team action!
WWE Rewind is brought to you by 5 Hour Energy - The Vickie Family beats Air Truth with the help of Vickie Guerrero, as we see the post-match catfight.
VICKIE GUERRERO comes out to make my ears bleed. She introduces her man, "THE ALL-AMERICAN AMERICAN" JACK SWAGGER for our next match.
"THE ALL-AMERICAN AMERICAN" JACK SWAGGER (w/VICKIE GUERRERO) v. "LONG ISLAND ICED Z" ZACK RYDER (w/HORNSWOGGLE) Ryder gets the biggest pop of the night, if anyone pays attention to that sort of thing. I know The E doesn't. Hornswoggle does a lap around the ring with his giant Team Teddy flag.
Wrestling sequence starts us off, as both men do well for themselves. Cole buries Team Teddy and completely buries Ryder by pointing out that he's only on the team because he brought Khali aboard. Yup. Ryder rolls up Swagger for 2 and quickly hits a dropkick. Swagger sends Ryder into the turnbuckle and overhead suplex gets 2. Swagger stomps a mudhole in Ryder, as Cole points out that Swagger beat Ryder for the U.S. title earlier this year. Hey, Ryder never DID get his rematch, did he? Oh, well, it's not like anyone ever remembers that sort of thing anyway. Swagger drags Ryder around and shows off. Time to hit the hammerlock. Ryder comes back with a kick through the apron. Swagger's corner charge eats knees and Ryder makes the babyface comeback. Broski Boot gets 2! Rough Ryder is caught and Swagger turns it into a turnbuckle powerbomb! Running Vaderbomb gets 2! Vickie and Hornswoggle wind up on the apron, distracting Swagger, which allows Ryder to finish with the Rough Ryder in about 4 minutes.
WINNER: Zack Ryder - Good match between these two.
We go to what happened last Monday with Cody Rhodes wailing on Big Show with boxing gloves.
Takes us to the demoted Matt Striker catching up with Cody Rhodes earlier today at 1:09 PM. Cody says he's been revelling in showing Show's embarrassing Wrestlemania clips and that he enjoyed beating up Show last Monday. He says he'll enjoy beating Show on April Fools Day. Cody exits, saying he has a plane to catch, which naturally means we'll be seeing him later.
The Big Show faces Kane coming up next!
THE BIG SHOW v.KANE Kane hammers on Show to start, avoiding the big chop and hitting a corner clothesline. Show comes back with a running shoulderblock and both men take the fight to the outside. Show charges and eats the steel post. Kane catches Show coming in and hits the seated dropkick for 2. Time to hit the chinlock at less than a minute in. Both men back to their feet and they knock each other down with a double-KO clothesline. We're only two minutes into this match! Both men exchange blows and Show wins the exchange with headbutts. Show hits the corner buttsplash/shoulderblock combo. Chokeslam is blocked and Kane hits a running DDT for 2. Top-rope clothesline is caught with AAAAAAHHHTHECHOKESLAM! But here's CODY RHODES for the DQ!
WINNER BY DQ: The Big Show - Waste of time.
Cody runs away quickly. Matthews says he's running into the Universe, just to piss me off! Show tries to barrel over people, but Cody's just too fast and escapes. Meanwhile, RANDY ORTON has snuck into the ring out of nowhere and nails Kane with the RKO! Hit Orton's music!
Later tonight, it's main event tag team action! But up next, it's Brodus Clay!
Your hosts are the three morons. They shoot it off to a B.A. Star presentation.
"THE FUNKASAURUS" BRODUS CLAY v. HEATH SLATER Slater gets no entrance, because he's cannon fodder, of course.
WINNER: Brodus Clay - Ok, seriously, why was it necessary to take Brodus off TV for so long if NOTHING'S CHANGED?
Up next, we recap the homoerotic intense closing segment of Raw!
We go backstage to Zack Ryder, who runs into Eve Torres. He tells her the plan to go Wrestlemania worked just like she said. Eve tells him THEY'RE going to Wrestlemania. Ryder compliments her, but Eve takes offense to it and dumps him again. Are you fucking kidding me? So not only does Ryder need to recruit Khali just to get on the Wrestlemania card, but now it can't even be HIS OWN IDEA? Ok, I'll hold off on why this is colossally STUPID until the Final Thought, but I will ask...why is this MORONIC STORYLINE STILL GOING? It's not even so much that this is killing Ryder, but this company seems so determined to destroy him slowly and painfully! I've never seen anything like it!
Your hosts are the three idiots and, naturally, they bury Ryder some more. Come ON! Matthews shoots it off to the Raw Rebound.
Main event tag team action is coming later tonight!
Lord Tensai promo. If you had told me seven years ago that I'd be saying "Please save us, Albert!" in 2012, I would have had you committed to 1999 Kane's insane asylum.
Announcers are joined by CHRISTIAN, so the commentary should at least be a little more tolerable.
THE GREAT KHALI (w/TEDDY LONG) v. DOLPH ZIGGLER (w/SUPER DAVE LAURINAITIS & DAVID OTUNGA) We take a look at what happened last Monday between Santino and Otunga and then between Laurinaitis and Long.
Dolph tries to fight off Khali, but gets nowhere. Khali whacks Dolph and sends him to the outside. Khali hits some corner chops and slows the match down. Dolph hits a low dropkick and hammers away. Jumping elbow puts Khali down. Dolph hits the headlock, but Khali powers out and makes the babyface comeback. Khali misses the JUDO CHOP~! and Dolph grabs the Sleeper Hold. So Laurinaits RINGS THE BELL, RINGS THE FUCKING BELL for the oh-so-original Montreal finish.
WINNER: Dolph Ziggler - Blow me.
Post-match, Long grabs the mic and restarts the match. He tells Dolph that he has until 10 to get back in or he loses. Point of logic: Why should Dolph care if he loses by countout? Why wouldn't he just leave anyway? And sure enough, Dolph doesn't come back.
WINNER BY COR: The Great Khali - I stand by what I said. Blow me.
Post-post-match, SANTINO MARELLA and KOFI KINGSTON roll Dolph into the ring. Dolph eats a JUDO CHOP~! Hit Khali's music!
Backstage, Miz tells Bryan that he NEEDS this win! Our main event is next.
Ad break - CM Punk/Chris Jericho Wrestlemania promo
CM PUNK & "THE GREAT WHITE" SHEAMUS v. THE MIZ & DANIEL BRYAN (w/AJ) With another entrance, you can add five more YES's to the YES! count for tonight! We have about ten minutes of show left and I am SO tempted to just FFWD to Miz jobbing, but let's give this match a recap anyway.
Sheamus tries to start with Bryan, so Bryan tags out. Sheamus outwrestles Miz to start and turns him inside-out with a clothesline. Punk tags in and hits a top-rope elbow to the head. Punk tags back out and Sheamus comes in with the slingshot shoulderblock for 2. Miz tries to come back, but eats the Irish Curse for 2. Sheamus brings Bryan in, but Bryan's able to escape. Miz takes advantage by booting Miz out and now Bryan hits the YAAAAAAH running seated dropkick to take us to our final ad break of the night.
We come back with Miz nailing a running boot and hitting the chinlock. Sheamus quickly hits a backdrop and makes the hot tag to Punk, who comes in with a springboard clothesline. Swinging neckbreaker hits. Punk holds the running knee to mouth off to AJ before hitting the bulldog. Punk wants the Savage Elbow, but Bryan advances towards him, so Punk wipes out Bryan. Miz hits a DDT for 2. Bryan tags in and works over Punk. Punk hits a chop, but runs into a knee. Miz tags in and hits a running knee for 2. Time to hit the chinlock again. Punk tries for a quick GTS and Miz attempts to counter with the neckbreaker/backbreaker combo, so Punk simply kicks him in the head halfway. Bryan tags in and tries to hold off Punk, but the hot tag is made and Sheamus goes to town on Bryan. Sheamus hits the ten-count chest strikes. Powerslam hits and Sheamus wants the Brogue Kick, so Bryan tags out. Miz tries to pound on Sheamus, so Sheamus Brogue Kicks him for the finish.
WINNERS: CM Punk & Sheamus - Stop me if you've heard this one before, but Miz jobbed.
And we quickly end our show with Bryan atop the ramp as the faces celebrate inside the ring.
I'm sick to death of the GM feud. Answer me this: 1. Can you name the members of both teams off the top of your head WITHOUT peeking at the list? 2. Does anyone even realize that both teams still need to add one more member?
There's one week left before the PPV. The consensus seems to be that we're getting Rey and Del Rio back, but I'd actually rather see them try and fit Miz and McIntyre here instead.
And don't get me started on Ryder. Let's look at the crux of Ryder's character. He's a proactive guy who thinks for himself, comes up with his own ideas, and generally takes matters into his own hands by holding rallies, going to social media, and thinking outside the box. So you can imagine how upsetting it is to have Ryder credit Eve and attribute all he did to get on the Wrestlemania card as being "her plan" because that VIOLATES THE ENTIRE ZACK RYDER CHARACTER! Instead of being the kind of guy who rises above management giving him a raw deal, he's now the guy who can't think for himself and is wrapped around the finger of the vapid hot chick. I will now dunk my head in a vat of acid!
And yet this week's show wins solely because of Daniel Bryan! Daniel Bryan is awesome! Daniel Bryan makes everything better! Daniel Bryan is YOUR new Paragon of Virtue! Give me more Daniel Bryan! YES! YES! YES!
Originally posted by geemoneyEverybody made a big deal of Brodus Clay coming back, but no one is talking about the grand re-debut of ABRAHAM WASHINGTON on this show!....in a backstage segment talking to Mark Henry.
I knew I recognized that guy from somewhere! My first thought was that they had re-signed Michael Tarver.
Punk's "call me" gesture to AJ was great. But that match ended abruptly even with TV editing. Were they given the "go home" call?
Mark Henry is either getting a shot at Sheamus or Show after Mania. Both will have belts, of course. But he's worked against them a lot in the last year. He needs a new feud. Maybe he can take Santino's belt.
Did Slater get the first pin attempt on the Funkasaurus?
Swagger's a big guy, and Ryder was just about his height. He's a big guy wrestling as a small guy, the way Edge used to (small wonder). I suppose that style of working subtly implies he's an underdog in every match.
(edited by Matt Tracker on 26.3.12 0908) "To be the man, you gotta beat demands." -- The Lovely Mrs. Tracker
Something did change with Brodus, actually. The match was the longest with this gimmick we've seen him in, and he even sold a little for Slater, who might be the first to knock him off his feet since the repackage. Unfortunately, it was kind of horrible.
I'm starting to think WWE will have Bryan retain, if not actually win, at Wrestlemania. He is just killing it in this role as the arrogant world champion/boyfriend and his crowd heat is rising by the week. He's moved beyond just "heel champ for Sheamus to win the belt from," and becoming someone that the fans legitimately want to see Sheamus destroy. They could stretch this feud out for a couple of more pay-per-views, easily.
"It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart. The game begins in the spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall alone." --- Bart Giamatti, on baseball
I think you're confusing RL Zack Ryder (wht you described) with the character (what we see on tv) He's always been a goof, a very likeable moron. So I don't think they're really killing his character.
Daniel Bryan and AJ were amazing together. And while I do expect him to lose the title at WM, I think (hope) he has shown WWE he's more than just a great Indy wrestler. So yeah, I definitely expect their updated version of Macho/Elizabeth to continue.
A few weeks ago, Booker T called AJ a ring rat or something like that (I missed it, I was ignoring the announcers that night) and tonight I suddenly did hear him say he apologized for some comments he made about her a few weeks ago. "I was wrong, it's obvious this girl is sincere and really smitten" I guess someone woke up and told him what the actual angle was.
And I guess they now say 'social media' because that sounds so much more serious than twitter and facebook. *shrug*
I liked how Kofi swatted Otunga's coffee mug away from him when he ran past him, and the next shot of Otunga, he was holding the mug again. He must have dove after the thing.
This will be my 100th and final post on this subject.
You may have seen a quote from an interview where Alberto Del Rio said he had been told he was no longer in the GM tag match. (He also said he was originally supposed to be Orton's opponent.) You may have also seen a report from Dave Meltzer that Rey Mysterio is not close to being in any condition to wrestle.
According to the website Pro Wrestling Insider, the 6th member of the heel team will be
Spoiler Below: Highlight text to read
Miz. They speculated on Mick Foley as the 6th face but that just seems to be a guess.
Foley tweeted tonight he had to listen to some voice mails from Teddy Long, but then followed it up by joking that Teddy was just looking for Buff Bagwell's phone number. And Miz chimed in too. So maybe they are the last two? I guess we'll find out tomorrow...
Well, if ADR and Rey are out, Miz and Foley are not bad options. It continues the small, but rather good promo work Foley and Ziggler has while giving Miz a chance to either turn at the biggest stage of them all or be Johnny's new BFF. Minus the diva's match, there is a guy from the attitude era in every match if Foley is in.
The Wee Baby Sheamus.
Twitter: @realjoecarfley its a bit more toned down there. A bit.
Doing a quick Youtube search, D-Bry had at least 3 matches on Velocity, including 1 against John Cena (who was sporting ugly yellow pants). The other 2 were vs. Noble and in a tag vs. London/Kendrick. He also showed up on Heat vs. Rico. Those were all in 2003, though, which is post-Attitude Era.
You know the ramp/aisle at Wrestlemania is going to be a lot longer than Raw/Smackdown. There's going to be a lot of YES!'s from Daniel Bryan. Can't wait to chant Danny or Danny Boy. Wrestlemania is going to be fun.
Originally posted by oudomYou know the ramp/aisle at Wrestlemania is going to be a lot longer than Raw/Smackdown. There's going to be a lot of YES!'s from Daniel Bryan. Can't wait to chant Danny or Danny Boy. Wrestlemania is going to be fun.
Please try to calculate the YPF (YES per foot) while there. Thanks.
I think JR and King do a really good job. I can't imagine how difficult it would be to do what they do. I've done football and basketball games on the radio and it's hard enough when the action isn't scripted.