TONIGHT! We continue the build for Survivor Series, probably by building towards feuds that should have been settled at Vengance! And...yeah...SmackDown is...whatever...
This show's starting to get dull. Maybe we should spice things up a bit. Time to play the SMACKDOWN DRINKING GAME!
The rules are simple! Take a drink anytime: -Someone mentions Twitter -Anytime Booker mentions his Fave 5 -Anytime Michael Cole raises his voice -Anytime Booker T says "Awww, here we GO!", "Mah GOODness!", "This thing is breaking down right here", "What duh HELL?", "(random phrase) to-NIGHT!", "He's gon' do it!", "This is a FIGHT!", and "Someone need to call the PO-leece!" -Anytime Booker says something so nonsensical that Cole calls him out over it -Anytime the announcers start arguing with each other -Anytime a wrestler is chucked over the announce table -After any match that lasts less than two minutes
Hey, those three croutons on the announce team are finally proving themselves useful! Feel free to add to these rules as you see fit. Suggestions are welcomed.
WWE - The Champ is Here!
Opening credits - Do You Know Your Enemy? Opening pyro! We are taped from Greenville, SC! Tony Chimel starts to intro our opening STREET FIGHT, as Randy Orton's music hits. Your hosts are the three boneheads and they waste no time in shilling TWITTER! HASHTAG! HASHTAG! BY GAWD, HASHTAG!
RANDY ORTON v. CODY RHODES: NON-TITLE STREET FIGHT Ok, I'll fully admit that I didn't watch a minute of Raw (I'm still avoiding that show like the plague for the time being) so maybe I missed the SmackDown ads. Having said that, you'd think that a Street Fight between two bitter rivals might be something they'd want to...I don't know...ADVERTISE IN ADVANCE, instead of just trotting out there for shits and giggles?
We start with a wrestling sequence, which is always how you want to start a street fight! I know when I get in a street fight with some large guy outside a bar, I immediately reach for the old collar-and-elbow tie-up! Orton hits a shoulderblock and a dropkick to send Rhodes to the outside. Orton gives chase, but stops to stare down the Rhodes minion. That distraction allows Rhodes to chuck Orton into the steel steps. Orton tries to come back and chucked into the apron. Snapmare and kneedrop take us back into the ring. Orton hangs Rhodes on the top rope and we go back to the outside where Orton slams Cody's head into the steel steps. Orton introduces Cody's head into the steps again before chucking him into the barricade and clotheslining him into the crowd. Fight moves into the crowd and the fight gets...rather tame. Fight moves out of the crowd and Cody tosses a minion at Orton, who simply disposes of him with a back body drop before clotheslining Rhodes. Back in the ring, Rhodes tosses ANOTHER minion at Orton! Orton disposes of this one with an RKO! And that takes us to our first ad break of the night.
We come back with Orton chasing Rhodes to the top of the ramp. Rhodes fights back and slams Orton's head on the ground. Cody tries for a vertical suplex onto the steel stage, but it's reversed. Orton looks like he's cut open on his right leg, as he goes to the ten punches on the barricade. The fight goes back to the ring, where Orton brings Rhodes back in with a top-rope superplex! It gets 2. Orton picks Rhodes up, but Rhodes was playing possum and he nails a dropkick! Back outside we go, Orton comes back and chucks Rhodes over the barricade. Orton tries to grab Rhodes, but Cody pops up and whacks Orton with the mask! That takes us to our next ad break.
We come back with Orton getting chucked over the announce table. Rhodes tosses Orton back in and hits a front suplex. Now we hit a hammerlock, before Orton tries to make the comeback. He tries before Rhodes nails the Goldust sliding uppercut. Rhodes clips the knee and works it over. Now we hit the (WOO!) FIGURE-FOUR! Orton tries to break it, so Rhodes whacks him with the mask again. Rhodes swings and misses with the mask, so Orton grabs it and whacks Cody! Orton makes the babyface comeback. Snap powerslam! VIPER COIL! Jesus, how many times have the announcers said "Randy Orton is going to THAT PLACE!" in the last three minutes? RKO is countered with the Beautiful Disaster for 2! Cross-Rhodes is countered with a back drop! Rhodes escapes the hanging DDT and both men exchange blows on the outside. Front suplex on the barricade and Orton uses the barricade to hit the hanging DDT! Back in the ring, RKO finishes at about 23 minutes and 40 seconds shown.
WINNER: Randy Orton - Good match. Probably the best and longest match this show's had in weeks.
Post-match, Orton poses and looks to take off. But he finds a paper bag on the ground, so he picks it up. Orton takes the bag and puts it over Cody's head. Hit Orton's music again! And that should emphatically put an end to this feud. Rhodes recovers, humiliated, as we see Orton up the ramp holding up Cody's mask, presumably to add to his trophy collection.
Your hosts are the three peabrains. They break down what we just saw before talking Triple H.
Video package for Triple H/Kevin Nash. Nope! FFWD!
Later tonight, Sheamus faces Christian, thus proving for the second time tonight the old CRZ axiom: Anybody who pays for a PPV is an idiot.
Ad break - Wrestlemania promo
Backstage, the demoted Matt Striker says he'll talk to Mark Henry after the next match.
TED DiBIASE v. TYSON KIDD Tyson Kidd doesn't get an entrance, because he's cannon fodd...REALLY? Cannon fodder for TED DIBIASE? REALLY?
WINNER: Ted DiBiase - REALLY?
The demoted Matt Striker talks to Mark Henry and asks why he refuses to grant Big Show a rematch. Henry says it's because he handled his business at the PPV. He stops his promo mid-sentence to walk over and get in Daniel Bryan's face. Henry accuses Bryan of wanting to cash in his briefcase on him. Henry tells Bryan that Bryan can't beat Henry! Henry says he's going to ask for a match with Bryan tonight. Bryan says he's game. Ok, a big badass heel making his own matches is just ten different kinds of awesome!
Alicia Fox makes her entrance for our next match, as Cole starts acting like a braying jackass again over what we just saw. Fox has new music and it's as generic as her last music. Fox is also wearing a fox. Somebody alert PETA!
ALICIA FOX v. NATALYA We take a look at what happened on Raw with Divas in costumes, as Eve wins the right to challenge Beth Phoenix. Oh God, AGAIN?
Natalya starts with a wrestling sequence. Fox hits a dropkick and they kinda roll around a bit. Natalya starts stomping away and tosses Fox around. Natalya clamps on a Boston Crab. Cole calls it a Sharpshooter, like an idiot, and Matthews thankfully corrects him. Fox hits the WORLD'S UGLIEST ENZIGUIRI and finishes with a somersault legdrop at less than two minutes.
WINNER: Alicia Fox - Just hideous.
Later tonight, the Mark Henry/Daniel Bryan match is official!
Big Show walks backstage with the "Holy shit, this guy is HUGE!" camera angle. He'll join us for some TALKING, next!
Announcers thank Flo Rida for "Good Feeling", the Survivor Series theme. Holy shit, FLO RIDA STILL EXISTS?
We are now joined by THE BIG SHOW, as we see the superplex that broke the ring again. It's promo time!
Show: You know, I gotta be honest with you, I'd much rather come out here and fight than talk. I mean, that's why you never see Frankenstein go on these long-winded speeches, you know? He's not a monster anymore, he...loses his mystique, he's...just a big guy with a bolt in his head that likes to blab. So I'm gonna make this short and simple for Mark Henry. Now Mark, we have unfinished business from Vengeance...concerning the World Heavyweight Championship. Let me try to...put this in terms that you'll understand, Mark...and if you...if you STILL don't get it, then you can ask Alberto Del Rio what I'm trying to explain to you. For every SmackDown that we don't finish that business at Vegeance, that I don't get a match...well...MAMA SAID KNOCK YOU OUT! I'M GONNA KNOCK YOU OUT! Every single SmackDown, until I get my match...
Sigh...interruption comes from CHRISTIAN, so I guess it's time for his one joke again. And yeah, I'm done transcribing here, so let's sum it up fast. Christian tells Show that he blew his chance. He says he deserves ONE MORE JOKE, blah blah blah. There's actually a point where Christian pauses for a crowd chant and DOESN'T GET ONE, which is unspeakably sad and pathetic. He deserves so much better than this. Christian gets increasingly paranoid about Show's fist, in a funny bit. Show assures Christian that he's not going to knock him out, but he DOES lay him out with AAAAAAAHHHHTHECHOKESLAM!!! Hit Big Show's music! Christian's match with Sheamus is next. Yup.
Ad break - Survivor Series promo
We come back with Christian still selling the chokeslam by the announce table. Sheamus' music hits for our next match.
CHRISTIAN v. "THE CELTIC WARRIOR" SHEAMUS God bless Tony Chimel for continuing to use the Celtic Warrior nickname and not going with that "Great White" nonsense.
Scott Armstrong tries to tell Sheamus that Christian can't go, because of the chokeslam. Sheamus is buying none of this, but these proceedings are interrupted by WADE BARRETT and his music (but not his badass overcoat). Barrett has a mic and it's promo time, I guess.
"Just hold your horses, Sheamus. I think it's quite obvious to everybody in this arena that Christian is in no state to compete tonight. So allow me to suggest a suitable replacement: Me!"
Well, ok then...
"THE CELTIC WARRIOR" SHEAMUS v. WADE BARRETT Barrett tries to get started early, before Sheamus takes control. Sheamus hits a slam and elbow for 2. Barrett comes back with rights and a headbutt. Sheamus reverses a whip and hits an elbow. Sheamus hits the ten-count chest strikes and running knee. Slingshot shoulderblock gets 2. Barrett comes back and hits more rights, tying up Sheamus on the ropes. Barrett charges in with the running boot to send Sheamus to the outside to take us to our next ad break.
We come back with Sheamus missing the Brogue Kick and Barrett hitting the back kick. Road Dogg pumphandle slam gets two. Barrett hits a knee and another running boot for 1. Barrett clubs away and poses. Barrett whips Sheamus into the corner with authority! Second-rope elbow gets 1. We hit the chinlock. Sheamus escapes, but the High Cross is countered with the backdrop. Barrett chokes away in the corner and hits a running kick to the face for 1. Back to the chinlock. Sheamus escapes and comes back with Irish Hammers. Short-arm clothesline and scoop slam hit. Sheamus calls for the High Cross, but Christian's on the apron! Sheamus chases Christian off and gets rolled up for the pin!
WINNER: Wade Barrett - Decent match.
Post-match, Sheamus tries to get a piece of Barrett, but Christian runs in and spears Sheamus! The heels run off! Hit Barrett's music!
Later tonight, Mark Henry faces Daniel Bryan.
We come back with Sheamus beating the hell out of Wade Barrett in the back. The backstage agents separate the two. I will cut The E all the slack in the world if the reason for continuing the Sheamus/Christian feud is to sow the seeds for a Survivor Series 5-on-5.
Your hosts are the three pinheads. Cole and Booker argue about Sheamus' temper. Matthews talks about the Muppets. Yup.
Raw Rebound! Nope! FFWD! However, I will say this about the main event: They've managed to shift all the drama from "Can Rock and Cena unite to take on this super heel team of Awesome Truth?" to "Can Cena and Rock get along, or are they going to turn on each other so these two random heels get a fluke win?" Awesome Truth are a total afterthought now thanks to Super Cena conquering the world yet again. I wouldn't be shocked in the least if the ending to the Survivor Series main involved Rock turning on Cena and Awesome Truth getting a cheap fluke pin. I dare them to give me an ending that DOESN'T involve that exact scenario!
Sin Cara makes his entrance for our next match! He's in action next!
Ad break - Bret/Shawn DVD promo
Brodus Clay video package! Brodus Clay returns this Monday!
SIN CARA v. EPICO We catch the tail end of Epico's entrance. Epico is a new wrestler, latino with cornrows and latin rap as his entrance theme.
Epico pounds away on Sin Cara. SC starts flying to take control. Handspring elbow is caught with Rolling Germans! Nicely done! Butterfly suplex gets 2! We hit the Gory Special! Man, this guy's going all-out, probably knowing he has (at most) a two-minute tryout! SC his an armdrag and makes the babyface comeback. SC knocks Epico down with the enziguiri. SC climbs the turnbuckles, but here's Hunico for the DQ!
WINNER BY DQ: Sin Cara - Very short, but I like the little we saw of Epico! Can we keep him around?
Post-match, the beatdown is on! Epico winds up and Hunico tosses SC into...a right hand! More beatdown! Now Hunico winds up and Epico tosses SC into...a right hand! Yeah, these guys need lessons on delivering an effective beatdown. No panache at all! The heels try for a back drop/powerbomb combo, but it's botched and Hunico has to turn it into a spinebuster, instead. Hit the EVIL~! cholo music, as we end this C- beatdown.
Coming up next, Daniel Bryan faces Mark Henry.
Ad break - Wrestlemania promo
"THE WORLD'S STRONGEST MAN" MARK HENRY v. DANIEL BRYAN (w/THE BIG SHOW): NON-TITLE MATCH Bryan's not an idiot, so he's brought Big Show with him.
Bryan tries for the sleeper and gets tossed off. Bryan tries to stick and move with kicks, but gets caught with a bear hug and driven into the corner. Henry dumps Bryan towards Big Show. Bryan comes back in and Henry catches him coming in. Henry works over Bryan and sends him out again. Henry smears Bryan's face on the steel post before Show chases him off. Henry continues to work over Bryan and whips him into the corner with authority. Henry toys with Bryan some more and stands on his chest. Cole and Booker are both burying Bryan for having Show out here. Yeah, look at them build those new stars on commentary! Bryan makes the babyface comeback and gets Henry down to his knees. The Tajiri kicks knock Henry down and the crowd is suddenly REALLY into this! Big kick to the head gets 2, as Henry powers out! Henry comes back with a headbutt, but charges into a boot. Bryan tries for the Tornado DDT and gets caught, so he switches into the guillotine choke! Crowd catches on and comes alive again! Henry recovers, though, and turns it into a release Northern Lights! Henry starts making the badass heel comeback and works over Bryan in the corner. Avalanche hits! Henry positions Bryan and hits another avalanche! Henry props up Bryan again and hits a third avalanche! Having seen enough, Show comes in and knocks Henry out with the Mayweather Sucker Punch for the DQ at 7 minutes.
WINNER BY DQ: Mark Henry - I wonder if this was a trial balloon for an eventual Wrestlemania match. If so, I liked what I saw. Bryan really knows how to play the sympathetic underdog role.
Post-match, Show wakes Bryan up with a bottle of water. Show tries to tell Bryan to cash in the briefcase now! Show's pleading with Bryan to cash in the briefcase! Show rolls Bryan back in the ring, but Henry's back up and he destroys Bryan with the World's Strongest Slam! Show runs back in and Henry whacks him with the briefcase before laying him out with the World's Strongest Slam, too! Hit...Teddy Long's music?
TEDDY LONG comes out for the first time tonight. Long books Henry/Show for Survivor Series. Hit Big Show's music! Show laughs over the news, as Henry sells despair.
We end the show with replays of what we just saw, before going out on Show and Henry eyeing each other.
It figures that the one night I decide to try for a SmackDown Drinking Game that this show gives me almost nothing to work with.
In fact, this was one of the better SmackDowns in a while. The opening match was good, the angle advancement was fine, and the main event told a very compelling story. I give this week a big thumbs up. Maybe I can get wasted on this show next week.
When Epico appeared, I said, "He looks like a tall Primo." Turns out he's Primo & Carlito's cousin Orlando and tagged with Hunico in Florida as Los Aviadores. He was also in a stable led by Ricardo Rodriguez?! (Thanks Wikipedia!) So maybe they'll stick around and stick together?
I saw a reference online recently to DiBiase's Posse but didn't realize it was a real thing. DiBiase Posse Party doesn't flow as nicely as DiBiase Party Posse, plus then he could brag that it's "the greatest band since music's birth." (Or not.)
The Henry/Bryan staredown backstage had that crackle of a solid angle.
Orton remains the most boring main-eventer in the WWE. Cody, however, hit that high gear of his, and he made me like him even more.
Just FYI, I live an hour from Greenville, and I've seen a heap of shows (WCW, WWE, TNA) at the Bi-Lo Center, and I'm on the mailing list for Ticketmaster and the WWE. I had NO IDEA a SmackDown was coming to town.
"To be the man, you gotta beat demands." -- The Lovely Mrs. Tracker