Ok, so I'll be honest here. Monday's Raw left such a sour taste in my mouth that I contemplated either phoning in this recap or skipping it completely. But if CRZ can trudge through the Worst of Monday Nitro, then who am I to whine about a bad (ok, a REALLY bad) episode of Raw? I'm prepared to move forward...while hoping I don't regret this.
TONIGHT: The build for Mark Henry/Big Show continues! Plus, some stuff that'll make us forget about Raw...hopefully. SmackDown is NOW!
WWE - The Champ is Here!
We start off with a video package detailing Big Show's return last week and culminating with Show wiping out Mark Henry to end last week's show.
Opening credits - Do You Know Your Enemy? Ok, seriously. We're 13 months into the SmackDown on Syfy era. Can we PLEASE get a new theme song already? Anyway, opening pyro! We are taped from Dallas, TX!
Tony Chimel introduces TEDDY LONG and...oh, goddammit...SUPER DAVE LAURINAITIS
Originally posted by Me in the Raw ThreadOn the upside, this should presumably mean no Laurinaitis on SmackDown. I can only hope, because if this nonsense spreads to Fridays, I may be out there, too.
Dammit, The E, don't...fucking...test me!
So yeah, let's FFWD!
40-SOMETHING MAN BATTLE ROYALE So the gist of the last promo is that the rosters of both Raw and SD are in one giant battle royale, with the winner getting a title shot of their choice. Why? I don't know. Who cares?
So yeah, everyone and their mother goes at it. Cody Rhodes, of all people, is the first one eliminated! So if you bet your life savings on Trent Barreta being first out...sorry. Johnny Curtis goes next. Yeah, don't expect me to recap this match in detail. Announcers talk about Matt Striker. Wait, STRIKER is in this match? Are they seriously carrying forward that plot point from NXT that nobody (save for nerds like us) knows about? Cole buries Striker on commentary, for fun...and because he's a dick. Orton is noticeably hanging on the apron, straying from danger. JTG gets tossed. Michael McGillicutty (hey, he still works here!) goes next. Derrick Bateman exits. Goodbye, Yoshi Tatsu. Say goodbye to Titus O'Neil and his breast cancer-awareness pink tights. No, I can't believe I just typed those words, either. Still too many bodies here and a lot of dead weight. Matt Striker gets thrown out.
Booker: I thought Matt Striker coulda had something, man! Cole: Booker, you're an idiot.
Nothing happening here, so we go to our next ad break.
We come back with a shit ton of bodies still in the ring. This match was apparently booked by John Laurinaitis. So between the main event on Monday and this, it shows that even in kayfabe, Laurinaitis can't book for shit. This is SOOOOOO boring! Goodbye, William Regal. And now the announcers are bickering for the billionth time.
Ok, seriously, fuck this. We're FFWD-ing.
Finally, we're down to the final four. It's down to Orton, Barrett, Swagger, and Jinder Mahal. Orton dumps Barrett easily. RKO for Swagger, goodbye. RKO for Jinder, see ya. Oh wait, Miz was apparently outside the whole time. He comes in and tries to dump Orton, but Orton lands on the apron. Miz celebrates prematurely, but realizes he didn't get the elimination. Miz stomps away furiously. FINALLY, the crowd wakes up and chants for Orton. Miz charges in and eats a clothesline. Snap powerslam hits. VIPER COIL! RKO is nearly turned into the Skull-Crushing Finale before Orton snapmares out of it. Orton tries to dump Miz, but Miz hangs on. Orton floats over onto the apron and the fight is on. Miz shoves Orton into the post, but Orton teeters over and hits Miz with the RKO on the apron! Both men fall, but Miz lands first, so Orton wins!
WINNER: Randy Orton - A hot final minute does not erase nearly THIRTY MINUTES OF TOTAL BOREDOM! Holy crap, what a terrible opening for this show!
Post-match, Josh Matthews talks to Orton in the ring. Matthews asks what match Orton wants for later tonight. Orton, of course, wants Mark Henry. Orton vows that vengeance and the title will be his.
Kelly Kelly and Eve Torres are walking backstage. Kelly faces Beth Phoenix next!
Ad break - WWE Ladder Match 2 DVD promo
We are taped from Dallas, TX! Matthews declares SmackDown the second longest running weekly episodic TV show of blah blah blah.
We go backstage to Alberto Del Rio with Ricardo Rodriguez, exiting the arena. Long catches up to them and asks where they're going. Del Rio says that Orton didn't choose him, so he's leaving. Long opts to book him against Sheamus. Del Rio takes umbrage to this.
"THE GLAMAZON" BETH PHOENIX (w/NATALYA) v. KELLY KELLY (w/EVE TORRES): NON-TITLE MATCH Cole wonders why Teddy Long is booking Raw Superstars in matches when Laurinaitis is here. It is FAR too late to start employing that line of logic, otherwise you shoot plot holes into about half of the matches booked in the last two months.
Beth rushes Kelly in the corner, but Kelly matches that aggression. Kelly tries for the AAAAAAAAH headscissors, but she just never learns, does she? Backbreaker! Cole now dubs Beth and Natalya the "Sisters of Salvation". Make up your minds on a name, already! And pick one that's less stupid! I don't get why they dropped the perfectly good "Divas of Doom" moniker, but I digress. Kelly hits the THESZ PRESS, BY GAWD! Beth tries for a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, but Kelly counters with a DDT for 2. Shitty handspring elbow is caught and Beth slams Kellys head into the post. Glam Slam, goodbye.
WINNER: Beth Phoenix - So after wasting months on this feud, they blow it off with Beth squashing Kelly like a bug in two minutes. Yup.
Your hosts are the three hemorrhoids. They shill WWE Network and a reality show that will follow the Divas. Yup.
Later tonight, Mark Henry defends his title against Randy Orton.
Ad break - Inside Out promo
Sin Cara has new music and it's a remixed version of his old music. But we go to the back, where Black Cara has ambushed Sin Cara! Black Cara rips SC's mask off and monologues in Spanish. Black Cara rips his own mask off and holds both masks up. SYMBOLISM!!! Black Cara dons the blue Sin Cara mask.
Yeah, somehow this leads to a match.
JUSTIN GABRIEL v. SIN CARA (BLACK & BLUE) Black goes to work on Gabriel. Gabriel reverses a whip and hits a dropkick. Corkscrew tope hits! Gabriel tries for a springboard crossbody, but gets caught with a dropkick on the way in. Gabriel hits a Blue Thunder Bomb for two. Gabriel tries for the Sternum-Crushing 450 Splash, but gets crotched. Top-rope somersault senton finishes in another two-minute special.
WINNER: Sin Cara - Whatever. Drive-thru, please.
Backstage, Teddy Long is with Air Boom. He tells Evan Bourne that he won't allow him to compete tonight. Vickie Guerrero enters the picture with crocodile tears. She demands a tag title match tonight. Teddy Long denies that request, right before Zack Ryder enters the picture. Ryder proposes that he and Kofi face The Vickie Family. Long accepts that idea and the match is booked.
Coming up next, Sheamus faces Alberto Del Rio.
Tony Chimel brings in Ricardo Rodriguez. He introduces Alberto Del Rio. This week, Alberto Del Rio joins us in an Audi R8 valued at $280,000.
ALBERTO DEL RIO v. "THE CELTIC WARRIOR" SHEAMUS: NON-TITLE MATCH Sheamus' Titantron entrance actually has "The Great White" on it now. Jeezum H. Crow, do they honestly THINK before they issue these nicknames? Why no, calling a guy "The Great White" and pitting him against minorities won't be taken out of context at all? Nope! No sir! We take a look at earlier tonight, when Christian eliminated Sheamus from the Battle Royale, even though Christian was already out of the match. Never mind that whenever that's happened in the past, the elimination wouldn't count.
Sheamus grabs a side headlock to start. Shoulderblock gets 1. Sheamus hits another shoulderblock and goes for the ten-count chest strikes. Clothesline gets 2. Corner charge misses and Del Rio hits a second-rope seated dropkick. ADR goes to the armbar. Del Rio hits the armbreaker for 2. Hit the hammerlock. Corner charge eats elbow and Sheamus makes the babyface comeback...at a whole two minutes in. Irish Curse gets 2. Sheamus goes up for the Irish Missile, but Ricardo runs interference. Sheamus knocks him down, but here's Christian to crotch Sheamus. Del Rio hits the enziguiri and finishes with the kick to the head for the pin at 4 minutes.
WINNER: Alberto Del Rio - Another short match. Next!
Post-match, Christian spears Sheamus. Sheamus is quick to recover, so Christian runs back in and hits another one. Sheamus recovers again. Hit his music, I guess.
Later tonight, Mark Henry faces Randy Orton for the World Heavyweight Championship!
Your hosts are the three giblets. They shoot it off to a preview of John Cena's next mov...NOPE! FFWD!
WWE Rewind - The Vickie Family jumps Air Boom last week
Here's Vickie Guerrero to burst my eardrums, because this show hasn't been FUN ENOUGH tonight! She introduces The Vickie Family for our next match.
DOLPH ZIGGLER & "THE ALL-AMERICAN AMERICAN" JACK SWAGGER v. KOFI KINGSTON & ZACK RYDER I find it a little funny that they went to all that trouble to come up with a tag team name, matching tights, and new music for Air Boom...only for Evan to get hurt again. Ryder's music now starts with "WOO WOO WOO! You know it!" before the song kicks in. That's awesome!
Swagger grabs a side headlock on Ryder and knocks him down with a shoulderblock. Ryder comes back with a pancake.
Cole: Teddy Long allows Evan Bourne to sit out tonight because he's injured? What about Alberto Del Rio? Del Rio hurt his knee Monday night on Raw and he was still forced to take on Sheamus! Booker: Did you hear what you just said? He HURT his knee, he didn't INJURE his knee, Cole. That's the difference.
MY BRAIN! My brain just exploded from that sheer weight of stupidity! AAAAAGH!
Sigh...Swagger hits a belly-to-belly. Dolph tags in and stomps away. Hangman's neckbreaker gets 2. Time to hit the chinlock. Ryder hits a facebuster and makes the hot tag. Kofi cleans house on The Vickie Family. Buzzsaw Legdrop hits! BOOM BOOM BOOM! Swagger pulls Dolph out, so Kofi wipes them both out with a suicide dive to take us to our next ad break.
We come back with Dolph hitting the armbar. Dolph hits the Rocker Dropper for 2. Tag is made and Swagger works Kofi over some more. Back suplex gets 2. Let's hit another resthold, why not? Kofi tries for the tag, but can't get it. Swagger places Kofi on the turnbuckle, before Kofi hits a tornado DDT. Tags are made on both sides and Ryder's the house of fire. The Broski Boot gets 2. Dolph gets a desperation dropkick, but charges into a pair of knees. Rough Ryder is countered into the Sleeper Hold! Ryder drives Dolph into the steel post! Ryder tries for the tag, but Swagger wipes out Kofi! Referee tries to send Swagger back to his corner, so the undaunted Kofi uses the distraction to wipe out Dolph with Trouble In Paradise, which Dolph sells with a Punch-Out-style 360 twirl! Ryder covers for the pin.
WINNER: Zack Ryder & Kofi Kingston - The story, again, is that Ryder pins Ziggler. So how many times has Ziggler been pinned now? Isn't it time for a U.S. title match yet?
Let's take a look at last Monday's abysmal Raw. Or let's not.
Later tonight, Mark Henry faces Randy Orton for the world title.
Ad break - B.A. Star promo. Yes, this is airing seconds after they showed Jim Ross getting humiliated for the hundredth time. Don't be a bully, kids!
We are taped from Dallas, TX! SmackDown makes history, blah blah blah...
We go backstage to Sheamus. The demoted Matt Striker talks to him about Christian. Sheamus regails us with another Irish tale, while saying the word "arse" a lot. Sheamus promises a boot for Christian's face.
Your hosts are the three maggots. Let's air the same video package that kicked off the show.
Mark Henry makes his entrance for tonight's main event. That match is next!
"THE WORLD'S STRONGEST MAN" MARK HENRY v. RANDY ORTON: WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH We take a look at what happened last Monday, with Cody Rhodes destroying Randy Orton and paper bagging him.
Henry muscles Orton into the corner. Orton tries to stick and move, using his speed. Corner whip is reversed, but Orton bounces off the corner with a clothesline. Orton keeps the onslaught going, getting Henry down to a knee. Orton tries for the DDT, but Henry shoves Orton so hard that he falls to the outside. Henry tries to follow, but Orton keeps hammering. Henry stops the offense with one headbutt. Henry drives Orton's shoulder into the steel post. Back in the ring, Henry covers for 2. Henry continues his power offense. We hit the nerve hold. Orton tries to come back, but eats an elbow. Headbutt. Back to the nerve hold. Orton makes the comeback and takes Henry to the corner. Orton tries to stomp a mudhole in Henry, but Henry won't fall! Orton comes off the ropes, but Henry knocks Orton down again. Elbowdrop gets 2 and we go to our final ad break of the night.
We come back with Henry continuing to beat down Orton. Davey Boy powerslam gets 2. Henry chokes away on the ropes some more and pounds away in the corner. Big fat splash gets 2! Henry tries for the Vaderbomb. Vaderbomb is countered and Orton makes the babyface comeback. Dropkick finally knocks Henry down! But here's Cody Rhodes for the DQ. Oh, FUCK THIS SHOW!
WINNER BY DQ: Randy Orton - Yes, the 40-minute battle royale to kick off the show and the 15-minute main event all lead to...the SAME EXACT FINISH from Raw! You bastards! At least Raw got us to this finish in three minutes! What a waste of time this was!
Post-match, the beatdown is on. Here's Big Show to make the save. Show knocks Henry down with a shoulderblock. Rhodes tries to jump Show, but Show catches him and tosses him to an Orton RKO. Henry tries to ambush Show, but Orton catches him and tosses him into a Big Show chokeslam. Hit Big Show's music. End show. Bite me.
Well, it wasn't as bad as Raw.
That's the biggest compliment I could give this show. But a 30-40 minute battle royale with guys flopping around, two-minute specials, and long matches ending in screwjobs/DQ's are more than enough to give this show a thumbs down.
Until next week! Things can only go up from here!
(edited by It's False on 14.10.11 2337)
1. When Goddamn horrible and Fucking Terrible just isn't enough to describe how shitty something is 2. Something Abysmal 3. The 10-10-11 edition of Raw
I think this show was a perfect example of why ending the brand split was a really, really stupid idea. We just got the exact same match twice this week, plus extra time for Alberto del Rio and, of course, Johnny Ace - who, incidentally, now makes me change the channel for a minimum of 15 minutes every time he walks on camera. Fortunately, we also got some air time for guys like Justin Gabriel and Zack Ryder, but eventually this is just going to be 4 hours a week of the 6 guys that the WWE thinks are important, and everyone else winds up on Superstars or internet NXT, at least until they start firing people.
I hope we one day get a SD 2011 memoir detailing just how much Edge's retirement destroyed the entire year. Virtually everything on this show feels like on-the-fly booking. Even Cody's seeming foolproof ascension is treading water. Only The Rise of Henry has worked.
"To be the man, you gotta beat demands." -- The Lovely Mrs. Tracker
Originally posted by Tenken347I think this show was a perfect example of why ending the brand split was a really, really stupid idea. We just got the exact same match twice this week, plus extra time for Alberto del Rio and, of course, Johnny Ace - who, incidentally, now makes me change the channel for a minimum of 15 minutes every time he walks on camera. Fortunately, we also got some air time for guys like Justin Gabriel and Zack Ryder, but eventually this is just going to be 4 hours a week of the 6 guys that the WWE thinks are important, and everyone else winds up on Superstars or internet NXT, at least until they start firing people.
That's not so much proof that ending the brand split was stupid as much as it's proof that their "creative" are morons.
They did great for years without a split-brand. They also did a better job writing at that time instead of being content with basically being WCW 2011.
Randy Orton gets no more world title matches and must win the Royal Rumble to get one is such a time-tested storyline that they did the whole four months in one night in October.
Originally posted by It's FalseWINNER: Zack Ryder & Kofi Kingston - The story, again, is that Ryder pins Ziggler. So how many times has Ziggler been pinned now? Isn't it time for a U.S. title match yet?
This was the one thing I liked on the show besides creative finishes in the battle royal and the Kelly match. But I get the feeling there is one faction trying to get to Ziggler/Ryder as a title program (including Ziggler and Ryder themselves on the YouTube show) while the main people who make decisions are setting up Ziggler/Mason Ryan. We'll see which one wins out, but Ryder getting a TV role and the Air Boom push are two of the only positives since July 25.
Originally posted by Matt TrackerI hope we one day get a SD 2011 memoir detailing just how much Edge's retirement destroyed the entire year.
Something destroyed the entire year alright, hard to pinpoint what. Punk's first big promo tugged on a string and the whole cloth came undone because everyone in creative became enamored with their own low rent variations on that theme, since it's more fun to do "reality"-inspired fake shooting than to make boring old wrestling angles. But it was actually Rock and Cena who started that trend of burying over business and made it too mundane for everyone to go back to work after Wrestlemania. And the collapse of their overall foundation goes back to all the fun with Michael Cole that started last year because, again, it's more amusing to have Cole say things that in is to be the producer for boring old wrestling announcing.
Simple answer: Vince McMahon is old, erratic, physically and mentally burnt out, and on a lot of "energy drinks" (ahem), and he's in the Verne Gagne death throes of a promoter who can't do it anymore and isn't inspired to do it anymore and he's probably not coming back. But between Undertaker, Rock, Austin, and Lesnar, he'll have rabbits to pull out of his hat for each Wrestlemania for the foreseeable future.
I hope it is fake. Kane is the man. He's taken a gimmick that would've killed anyone with less charisma and talent, and he's made it work. And he's pretty much been really over for, oh, the last 7 years, which is pretty amazing too.