We get no opening credits, as we go straight to Randy Orton, sitting in a chair in the ring.
Orton says there's no WWE Champion, Vince is out, Triple H is in, and he still has an issue to settle with Christian. We look at the stills of last Sunday, as Christian gave Orton the LOOGIE OF DOOM (tm Scott Keith) to bait Orton into a DQ.
This brings out Christian. Christian talks, Orton talks, nothing of real note is said. I am SO tired of this feud. The sad thing, Christian's issue is very simiar to CM Punk's, being the underdog going after the big, established, company-backed babyface. But without the expiring contract element, he can't make the same kind of impact that Punk did. Anyway, Christian says he's going to talk to his lawyers about denying Orton's mandated rematch. Orton decides to rush the ramp, but is interrupted by Teddy Long's music and the Zebra Brigade (a.k.a. a shit ton of referees).
Teddy Long says Orton will get his rematch, but Orton's already booked against Kane in a street fight tonight. Christian tries to push his luck by holding up the title, so Orton rushes past the zebras and attacks Christian, anyway. Christian takes issue with Teddy Long, so Long books Christian against Ezekiel Jackson. And that match is next!
Your hosts are...you know what? No. Just no. I'm not dealing with these three idiots tonight. I'm not in the mood. So I'm watching tonight's show with the aid of my good friend, the MUTE button. This will be a completely sound-free experience, with the exception of wrestler promos.
Tonight, we'll see the Vince McMahon/Triple H angle from Raw. In the meantime, Christian enters the ring. Big Zeke comes out next.
CHRISTIAN v. EZEKIEL JACKSON: NON-TITLE MATCH So nice of them to give away a champion vs. champion match completely unannounced. Not like those sell, anyway. I manage to see Tony Chimel exit the ring, so looks like he's back this week. These two used to have mildly decent matches back when ECW still existed, so this should be pretty good.
We start off with Jackson overpowering Christian. Christian tries for a waistlock, but that gets reversed into a belly-to-back suplex. Jackson goes to work with forearms and clubbing blows. Christian comes back with an uppercut, but runs into a military press slam for 2. Christian suckers Jackson into the corner and takes control with uppercuts. Irish whip ain't happening and Jackson backdrops Christian over the top. That takes us to our next ad break.
We come back with Jackson chasing Christian around. Christian tries to sucker him in, but Jackson's wise to the baseball slide idea and sidesteps it. Jackson shoves Christian into the announce table. Jackson looks for a clothesline, but eats a drop toehold into the steel steps. Christian climbs the turnbuckles and hits a top-rope spinning elbow for 2. Chrisitan chokes away on the ropes and hits the floatover uppercut. Christian WANTS DA BELT! Wait, doesn't he already have da belt? Anyway, Jackson belts him in the gut and hits a big boot, but misses the elbowdrop. Christian comes back with rights, but takes his time and Jackson makes his own comeback. Christian dropkicks the knee for two and hits the chinlock. Jackson gets out of that with a Samoan drop. Jackson makes the babyface comeback and hits the corner lariat. Christian gets a boot to the face, but flies into a Jackson body block for two. Christian tries to catch Jackson with the Kill Switch, but Jackson elbows out of it. Christian charges in and eats a clothesline for 2. Jackson hits a bodyslam. He hits another bodyslam. And because Jackson's as predictable as a Leno monologue, Christian floats over a third bodyslam and chop blocks the knee. Christian tries for the Kill Switch and Jackson tries to counter with a back suplex. Christian lands on his feet and hits the Sleeper, but Jackson powers him onto his shoulder and drives him into the turnbuckle. Jackson stalls for a second to plan his next move and a second is all Christian needs to shove Jackson into the steel post and finish with the Kill Switch at 12 minutes!
WINNER: Christian - I get that they weren't about the job the world champion, but seriously? I assume the idea is to get Jackson over at some point, so why keep jobbing him clean? He needs all the help he can get and this isn't helping at all.
Later tonight, the Triple H/Vince McMahon segment. Plus, Randy Orton faces Kane in a Street Fight.
Ad break - SummerSlam promo
Here's a Cody Rhodes video package. It goes from a cheerful montage to highlight his "Dashing" phase and quickly goes dark to highlight "Phantom" Cody. Nicely done.
Now we go to...you bastards! When I said I'd put the sound up for wrestler promos, that didn't mean have MICHAEL COLE do one! Goddammit! So Michael Cole brings out Daniel Bryan.
Ok, let's do this fast, because we all know how this goes. Cole trolls the shit out of Bryan. Bryan tries to take the high road, but Cole keeps trolling him. If the segment ends with Bryan snapping Cole's leg like a twig, it ties for Segment of the Year with CM Punk, but alas, that doesn't happen. Instead, Bryan answers Cole's accusation of pouncing on a fallen champion by saying he'll cash in his title match at Wrestlemania. Ok, that's intriguing.
But the promo's going too well! QUICK! Bring out Heath Slater! Slater says Bryan's going to lose when he cashes in his briefcase and calls him a LOSER! Sweet Jeebus, Slater's such a bland promo. Oh, is this a match? (Aaaand back to the MUTE button before Cole can go off. Ah, sweet silence.)
DANIEL BRYAN v. "THE ONE-MAN ROCK BAND" HEATH SLATER Slater mouths off to Bryan and takes Bryan down with a shoulderblock. Bryan comes back with a dropkick and goes for the LeBell Lock, as Slater escapes to take us to our next ad break.
We come back with Bryan hitting an armdrag. Slater comes back with a right and we go to the test of the strength, as Bryan hits a monkey flip. Bryan misses a corner charge and Slater hits a neckbreaker for 2. Slater hits rights and mouths off to the crowd, showing the kind of charisma that you might expect from a guy that calls himself a One-Man Rock Band. Because TWO-MAN Rock Bands are for weenies. And don't get him started on THREE-MAN Rock Bands! I digress, but really, this rambling is more entertaining than Slater's vanilla offense. Bryan tries to come back, but Slater hammers away in the corner. Slater makes his own variation of the facebuster, which actually looks kinda cool, and gets 2. He naturally follows up this coolness with a chinlock. Damn you! Bryan backflips off a corner whip and makes the babyface comeback. Slater tries to stave off the comeback, but charges in and gets backdropped over the top rope. Bryan comes off the apron with a flying knee to the face. Back in the ring, Bryan hits the top-rope seated dropkick for 2. Bryan wants the LeBell Lock, but Slater whips him into the ropes and hits the Anderson spinebuster for 2. Slater tries to wind up with a reverse facelock and gets a knee to the face and Bryan gets the small package. Slater reverses into his own for 2. Slater tries a schoolboy, but Bryan sits on top of him for 2. Slater goes for a corner charge and eats boot. Bryan looks for a Torn...no...he's got a choke sleeper! And that gets the tap out at 13 minutes shown.
WINNER: Daniel Bryan - Picked up towards the end. I'm really not impressed with Slater. He needs to go back to Tag Team Land ASAP.
Your hosts are three guys that I can't hear, because my TV is on MUTE. They shoot it off to a video package about Mark Henry and Big Show from last Sunday, culminating with Henry Pillmanizing Show's knee.
That brings us to the demoted Matt Striker, who asks Mark Henry when the destruction will end. Henry says it'll never end, because the destruction feels good.
Coming up next, the Vince McMahon/Triple H segment from Raw.
Here's the Vince McMahon/Triple H segment in its entirety. FFWD!
Your hosts are the Three Morons. They talk about the segment some more (as evident by cutting back to the Vince McMahon crying face).
Later tonight, Randy Orton faces Kane in a Street Fight. But next, Sheamus faces Wade Barrett. Huh...
Ad break - Rey Mysterio DVD promo
The WWE Smack of the Night - Sheamus loses to Sin Cara last week and Wade Barrett wipes out Sheamus post-match, presumably to set up our next match.
WADE BARRETT v. "THE CELTIC WARRIOR" SHEAMUS Ok, so we have a heel vs. heel match. These are always interesting.
Sheamus hammers away with fury on Barrett, but Barrett brings some pain of his own. The ref ties up Barrett and Sheamus takes control. Corner charge eats elbow and Barrett hits a standing side kick. Barrett misses a clothesline, but hits a back kick and a running boot to the head for 2. Sheamus tries to fight back with rights, but Barrett's not having any of that, as he chokes away. Barrett charges in with a running boot to the face to drop Sheamus for 2. Barrett continues to hammer away, but Sheamus keeps trying to come back. Barrett tries to put him down with a pumphandle slam, but Sheamus counters it and hits the Irish Curse for 2. Sheamus ties up Barrett in the ropes and hits clubbing blows to the chest. Barrett elbows his way out of that predicament for the moment, so Sheamus keeps the clubbing blows coming a little faster. Here's a running knee to the face for 2. Barrett regroups on the outside, so Sheamus gives chase and tackles him. Both men trade mounted punches. Barrett whips Sheamus into the barricade, as a countout looks imminent. And as the fight goes into the announce table, that's exactly what we get.
WINNER: Double Countout - Watching heels go at it is a guilty pleasure of mine, so this was fun for me.
Post-match, the fight continues with Barrett shoving Sheamus into the steel post. Back in the ring, Barrett goes for Wasteland, but Sheamus floats out of it and turns Barrett inside-out with the Brogue Kick. Play Sheamus' music (I assume)!
We go backstage to...EXTREME CLOSE-UP! It's Kane in a boiler room! Oh, I've MISSED these promos! And they even brought back the cheesy music and everything! This calls for transcription!
"For 14 years, I have unleashed my own brand of pain, misery, and suffering on the WWE Universe. Men who knew no fear trembled at the sound of my name. I've haunted the nightmares of everyone who's ever faced me. But lately, I'm the one who's haunted. Haunted...by my own...humanity. I feel less like a monster...and more...like a human. Tonight...I will purge my compassion. Tonight, I will exorcise my humanity forever. Tonight, Randy Orton will be the vehicle by which I reawaken the monster within. And the WWE Universe will remember, once and for all...why I am...The Devil's Favorite Demon. Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahahaha! Hahahaha!"
Oh, Kane. How I've missed your promos.
Randy Orton makes his entrance for the main event...with 37 minutes left in the show. They're going to give this one a lot of time, it seems. But first...
Ad break - Raw promo
RANDY ORTON v. KANE: STREET FIGHT With a full half-hour left, here we go! Kane starts off with a flurry of rights and muscles Orton into the corner. Corner clothesline hits, but a second one eats boot. Orton hits the THESZ PRESS, BY GAWD, but walks into a GOOZLE! Orton hits rights to get out of the that, but gets dropped on an RKO attempt. Kane clotheslines Orton over and the fight moves to the outside. Orton's head meets the barricade and Kane hits an uppercut. The fight moves up the ramp, as Orton starts the comeback. Kane won't be stopped easily and takes Orton down with an uppercut. Orton slams Kane's head against the apron and takes the time to look for PLUNDAH underneath the ring. He finds a kendo stick and goes to work on Kane. Orton drops the stick and attempts the Hanging DDT, but gets backdropped to the outside, to take the fight back to the ringside area. Kane tosses Orton into the barricade, but both men are down as we go to the next ad break.
We come back with Kane hammering away on a prone Orton back in the ring. Kane gets the snapmare and seated dropkick for 2. Orton tries to make the comeback, but Kane reasserts control. It's momentary, as Orton low-bridges a charging Kane. To the outside we go again, as Orton jumps right into a Kane uppercut. Kane does some redecorating, as he clears off the announce table. GOOZLE! Orton stops the chokeslam and hammers on Kane and kicks him, but that causes the announce table to tip over and Orton clutches his knee! Yikes! THAT didn't look planned at all! Orton tries to walk it off and smiles at the crowd, which I guess is his way of giving the thumbs up. Orton whips Kane into the steel steps, making Kane favor his knee. Orton goes to the mounted punches to keep Kane down. Orton stomps on Kane's leg and sandwiches it between the steel steps! That takes us to our next ad break.
We come back with Orton in control until he runs into a big boot. Orton sidesteps Kane's top-rope clothesline and chucks the big guy into the steel post. Orton tries for the Hanging DDT again and hits it. Orton plays to the crowd and VIPER COIL! You know, the coil loses all of its coolness when Orton spends a good minute mugging to the crowd beforehand. The reason the coil was ever cool was because it was spontaneous. Now it's just cheesy. Anyway, Kane pushes off an RKO attempt and hits a side slam for 2. Kane looks for the top-rope clothesline again and hits it this time, but hurts the knee again. Kane pauses before signaling for the chokeslam. Kane moves in, but Orton strikes with the RKO for the pin at...no, it gets 2! Orton can't believe it! Now we get a long stall session before Orton opts for the Punt of Plot Convenience! Unfortunately for him, it isn't convenient to the plot, so Orton runs into a GOOZLE! Chokeslam hits, but it only gets 2! Both men are down as we go to our final ad break of the night.
We come back with Kane grabbing a chair and tossing it into the ring. Kane nails Orton in the gut and whacks him in the back with the chair. Here's another whack! And another one! Kane makes the throat slash and scoops Orton up for a Tombstone, aiming for the chair. Orton shakes out of it, but runs into a GOOZLE! Orton floats out of the chokeslam attempt and hits the RKO onto the chair for the pin at 23 minutes!
WINNER: Randy Orton - That was a very good TV match and it's not often you get a lengthy main event like that. Well done!
Post-match, Kane...offers the hand of friendship? We get a handshake and...yeah. Well, that's oddly out-of-character. Orton exits and leaves Kane to himself, who seems to be lamenting the further spread of his humanity.
Suddenly, Mark Henry comes to the ring. Henry looks like he wants to pick up the pieces. Kane stands his ground, but he was just in a 23-minute street fight and Henry's fresh, so Henry takes him down easily. Henry targets the knee before hitting the World's Strongest Slam. Big splash on the knee. Henry grabs a chair and sets up the Pillmanizer. Henry Pillmanizes the knee! The referee tends to Kane and Henry puts his menacing face on, as the show ends.
I'm curious to see where things go with Mark Henry, since he's now dispatched both Big Show and Kane and seemingly has nowhere to go from here. The smart thing to do would be to set him up as the big monster for Ezekiel Jackson to slay, but that kinda goes out the window when the E are actively jobbing Jackson nearly every week.
As for the main event program, I have total Orton/Christian fatigue and they need to mix that program up badly. Sheamus has been out of the picture for a few weeks, but now's a good time to bring him back. Let's make this title picture a three-way and freshen it up again.
As for the rest of the show, it was a pretty good show. And MAN, is it so much easier to watch this show without that albatross of a commentary team. I should have the sound on MUTE every week.
I shed no tears for Zeke. He's definitely done too many jobs since he won the title, but if it means WWE has decided not give a big singles push to him then I would say good, he doesn't deserve one. No offense Zeke.
To me, the real story of that match was Christian (who also needs help) getting a clean win over a monster. Seems like there's been a real turnaround in booking Christian as a top man since Ed Koskey took over Smackdown. The story is that Koskey used to write ECW and NXT and so he has good relationships with the guys he worked with on those shows and sees a lot in them, hence Christian getting the belt again and Daniel Bryan getting MITB. If that's the case, well, that's pretty terrific.
Sheamus worked as a full-on babyface at the house show I went to and was very good at it. Looks like they're going to do another turn without turning, which is shit, but I think he'll be fun in the role.
I like Heath Slater quite a bit as a worker and a smirker, but he's going to have a tough time accomplishing much as a single. He's a great flunky and now he has no one to flunk for. Plus his haircut has no layers.
Orton's reaction to that table fall is right up there with his splits & fist pump celebration of RKOing Mark Henry last month. Smackdown Orton is a revelation. It seems like he's really motivated by being given the responsibility of the unquestioned #1 dude.
Originally posted by JustinShapiroI shed no tears for Zeke. He's definitely done too many jobs since he won the title, but if it means WWE has decided not give a big singles push to him then I would say good, he doesn't deserve one. No offense Zeke.
Yeah. But if they're not gonna give him a singles push, they should give the Intercontinental Championship to someone else.
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It's trly a shame that chat vblurb didn't catch mor e of my not so coherent exploits. HOORAY FOR SLEEP DEPRIVATION. I stil don't know who the fuck Rene Dupree is. Nor who Sylbian Grenier is. I'm listening to pearl Jam.