TONIGHT! We have two big rematches from Summerslam! Kane faces Rey Mysterio in a No Disqualification match and Dolph Ziggler defends the Intercontinental Championship against Kofi Kingston, proving once again that people who pay for PPV's are idiots (tm CRZ). Plus, the Undertaker makes his big return to the show! Does his return go better here than it did at Summerslam? SmackDown is NOW!
The Champ is NOT here, as we go straight to the...
Opening credits - Let It Roll! Opening pyro! We are taped from Fresno, CA! Your hosts are Todd Grisham and Matt Striker. Tonight, (see opening paragraph), with the extra note that if Dolph Ziggler is DQ'd, he'll lose the title!
REY MYSTERIO v. KANE: NON-TITLE, NO DISQUALIFICATION MATCH Rey tries to rush the big man to start, but Kane shoves him away like a pest. Rey ducks a clothesline and keeps striking away, so Kane sends his down with a fierce uppercut. Kane chucks Rey outside, slip-n-slide style! Kane moves outside and continues his assault by dropping Rey onto the guardrail. Kane throws Rey back into the ring before searching for plunder, like in WWE No Mercy (Go Go Old School Videogame Reference!) and comes out with a kendo stick. Rey recovers and is able to rush the Big Red Champion on his way back in and takes the kendo stick for himself. He whacks Kane in the left leg a few times, but comes off the ropes and gets a big RIGHT boot to the face. That gets two for Kane. Kane backs Rey into the corner and hammers away before choking away with the boot. Corner whip with authority! Near-fall. We hit a brutal-looking headlock before Rey fights back. Rey bounces to the apron to go for a springboard move, but Kane nails a big boot in mid-springboard, sending Rey crashing down to the outside. Kane stalks Rey, but Rey hits a drop toehold into the steel steps! On top of that, it looked like Kane’s face hit the steel post! YEE-OUCH! Rey jumps onto the English announce table and nails a seated senton off of it. That’ll send us to our first break of the night.
We come back with Rey launching himself off the top rope and landing right into a Kane uppercut! That gets two. We hit the chinlock, but Rey’s HEART will not allow him to stay down, dammit! Rey comes off the ropes, but gets a big side slam. Kane takes a quick trip outside to grab a good old-fashioned steel chair. Rey gets a dropkick to the face as Kane winds up with the chair. Kane’s corner charge eats another pair of boots. Springboard seated senton from Rey. Kane tries to catch Rey coming off the ropes, but gets a headscissors, dropping him into the 619 position. But Rey can’t even attempt a 619, as Kane quickly recovers and gets the GOOZLE! Chokeslam gets countered...or does it? Kane catches the hurricanrana reversal attempt and goes for a powerbomb, but Rey punches away. Kane drops Rey, who lands on his feet and nails a chop block. Rey knocks Kane’s left knee with the chair. Big chairshot to the big man’s back, sending him back into the 619 position. 619 hits, sending Kane staggering. Springboard attempt is caught with another GOOZLE, though, and this time the chokeslam hits and on the chair, no less! Say buenas noches, Rey.
WINNER: Kane - Good match while it lasted. I don’t get why No DQ couldn’t have been the stipulation at Summerslam, but whatever. That should polish this feud off for good.
After the match, Kane gives us some pyro. Rey’s favoring the arm that Alberto Del Rio worked over last week. And speaking of Alberto, here he is in one of his fine, tailored suits! And he’s got a mic!
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemens! My name is Alberto Del Rio, but you already know that. Rey? Hey, Rey! Oh my God, Rey! Rey! Hey, are you ok, buddy? Hey, what happened to you? Estas bien, amigito? Estas...are you ok, amigito? Hey, Doc! Doc, is he gonna be ok? Hey, Rey...Rey, you looks...you looks like a dying dog. I think...I think someone need to put you down.”
And Alberto attacks Rey! He chucks Rey into the barricade, bad arm first. He applies the jujigatime! He pulls off and gives his now-trademark smile to the crowd. He slowly walks up the ramp, looking satisfied with himself, but something clicks in his brain and he does a 180. He rolls into the ring and grabs the chair. ADR then takes the chair, wraps it around Rey’s left arm, and pushes him into the ring post! Alberto poses over Rey’s corpse. “I think there’s a new rey en SmackDown!” Close-up on the Alberto smile! Alberto takes his jacket and towel and walks up the ramp, for reals this time.
Ad break – John Cena stars in a “Legendary” piece of...oh wait, I made that joke last week.
Moments Ago – Alberto Del Rio destroys Rey Mysterio, oozing charisma all along the way.
CM PUNK (w/THE STRAIGHT EDGE SOCIETY) v. JTG Since this was taped two weeks ago, Serena is still here. Enjoy her while she’s around.
CM Punk charges JTG as the bell rings and JTG rolls him up for two. JTG gets a quick snapmare, but that’s all he gets before Punk kicks him in the gut. Punk hammers away in the corner. Corner whip and clothesline hit. Snapmare and chinlock, but Punk elbows away. More knee strikes and more clubbing blows. Corner whip is followed by a corner knee strike to the chin. Punk gets a bulldog out of the corner. That sets up the GTS on JTG. No cover, though. It’s because Punk applies the ANACONDA VICE~! Haven’t seen that move in forever! JTG taps and this one’s over!
WINNER: CM Punk - Who ordered the side of SQUASH?
Post-match, Punk grabs the mic. “Get in the ring!” The SES comply and come into the ring. “Get in the ring! Line up! Get on your knees! THAT is how you operate when you’re a member of the Straight Edge Society. THAT is how you treat the weak! THAT is how you spread my message of purity to this rotten world that we live in! I lead by example and tonight, the example has been set. Luke, follow my example! I want the Big Show face-down, unconscious, in a pool of his own drool! Put the STAMP of the Straight Edge Society on his giant face! This is the last time I’m going to tell you, so I hope that I make myself clear! BE BETTER OR BE GONE!” Play Punk’s music!
Backstage, Rosa uses a Shake Weight. Meanwhile, Hornswoggle is still disguised as plant. Sigh...Rosa, Hornswoggle...and SERENA’S the one that gets future endeavored? Life really isn’t fair. The sad thing is, Rosa could easily be the one chosen to finally knock LayCool off their perch, if only by default.
Ad break – Promo for Raw’s 900th (901st?) episode this Monday.
Raw Rebound! We then go to your hosts Todd Grisham and Matt Striker, who hype tonight’s big Undertaker return. It’s the biggest return since the last time Undertaker returned! We then get a replay of last week’s Intercontinental Championship match. Later tonight, Kofi gets another rematch and this time, Dolph can’t get himself DQ’d!
Ad break – Promo for NXT Season 2 finale. Get a good look at them before they join Nexus!
It’s time for even more Grooming Tips with “Dashing” Cody Rhodes! “A clean shaven face is important to embellish a chiseled jaw line. My name is ‘Dashing’ Cody Rhodes and I’m here to show you that you too can be dashing! To achieve the masculinity you desire, shaving the entire body is of equal importance. You should shave your arms, your chest, especially your legs.” Watch Cody shave his legs! They’re smooth! “A smooth, shaven body is sexually attractive to the opposite sex. I’m ‘Dashing’ Cody Rhodes, bringing you one step closer to dashing!” Close with a dashing smile!
DOLPH ZIGGLER (w/VICKIE GUERRERO) v. KOFI KINGSTON: INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH (CHAMPION CAN LOSE TITLE ON DQ) Once again, they keep the mic away from Vickie Guerrero. See? It’s really not hard to please me. Kofi jaws with Vickie as he enters the ring.
Match starts with Kofi backing Dolph into the corner and kicking away. Dolph slides out to gather himself, but Kofi chases him out and knocks him down with a clothesline. He bangs Dolph’s head against the barricade and tosses him back into the ring. Roll-up gets one. Kofi hits another clothesline for two. Kofi whips Dolph into the ropes, but Trouble In Paradise gets nothing but air, allowing Dolph to hit a back elbow. But Dolph’s offense doesn’t last long, as Kofi gets the SOS for two. That’ll send us to our next break.
We come back with Kofi going for a top rope guillotine legdrop (and getting MAJOR air!) and missing! Both guys pulls themselves to their knees and start exchanging blows. Both guys to their feet, still firing at each other. Kofi manages to get Dolph to the corner before the ref pushes him back. That moment of hesitation allows Dolph to get a BIG boot to the face. That gets two. Jumping elbow hits and gets two. We hit the chinlock. Kofi fights to his feet and whips Dolph into the ropes, but Trouble In Paradise eats air AGAIN, allowing Dolph to get a boot to the face. Clothesline is countered to the SOS (as I get a sense of déjà vu), but Dolph’s able to grab the bottom rope as the ref counts three. Pinfall does not count. Dolph pulls himself up in the corner and Kofi tries to catch him with a corner charge, but hits the steel post shoulder-first. That gets two for Dolph. Dolph gets the Perfect snapmare for two. Hangman’s neckbreaker gets another two, but Dolph’s not losing his temper this time. He slaps on the armbar before Kofi fights back. Kofi clothesline is countered to the Sleeper Hold, but Kofi reaches the ropes. As the ref pulls Dolph away, Vickie gets a slap in the face in. Dolph sees this and panics, knowing what’ll happen if the ref had caught that, so he runs over and yells at Vickie not to screw this up for him. Kofi thinks he has an opening here and charges in, but Dolph gives him a knee to the face. That gets two for Dolph, who’s starting to lose his temper. He hammers away with many axe handles, which gets two. Another jumping elbow gets two. Dolph tries to calm himself down by hitting the chinlock, but Kofi gets up quickly and hammers away. He hits chops and goes for his high dropkick, but gets caught! Dolph goes for a catapult, but Kofi lands on the second turnbuckle safely. He hits a jumping second-rope clothesline and it only gets two. Dolph lands a knee to the gut and whips Kofi into the corner, but the corner charge eats Kofi’s high kick counter. Kofi goes up and hits the frog crossbody block, but only gets two. Crowd’s getting into this one, nearly buying that as the finish. Kofi tries to set up SOS #3, but Dolph fights out of it and gets a fireman’s carry takeover for two. Both men get to their feet with Dolph eyeing an opening. He goes for the Zig Zag, but Kofi hangs on to the top rope, which means Dolph falls flat on his back. Running dropkick to the face sends Dolph to the outside. Kofi tries to chase with a pescado, but stops himself halfway when he sees Vickie. He tries to shoo Vickie away, who stands her ground, so Kofi jumps over her and hits Dolph with a crossbody block off the apron. Kofi lifts Dolph to his feet and both guys get the same idea to go for the clothesline, leading to a double KO. The referee reaches 9 as both guys try to slide in, but Vickie pulls Dolph out! Ref reaches 10 and that’s the match at 15 minutes shown.
WINNER: Kofi Kingston by COR - Well, they’ve pretty much run through nearly the entire Book of Shitty Finishes with these two. This one, in particular, hurts because it was a GREAT match up to this point. Unless they’re going to waste a cage match on Dolph Ziggler and Kofi Kingston, I have no idea where they go from here with these two.
Post-match, Kofi knows he got screwed and he doesn’t look happy. He starts chasing Dolph, who drops his belt and runs for higher ground. The chase is on through the crowd!
Later tonight, the Undertaker returns!
Ad break – WWE Shop ad. T-shirt prices are temporarily reduced!
We get a recap of Kane’s explanation of last week, in a speech titled “Undertaker & Kane Continuity For Dummies”. That takes us back to our crack announce crew. Later tonight, the Undertaker returns!
Jack Swagger makes his way to the ring. The Jack Swagger Sr. Invitational is next.
”THE ALL-AMERICAN AMERICAN” JACK SWAGGER v. MVP: JACK SWAGGER SR. INVITATIONAL CHALLENGE The Jack Swagger Sr. Invitational gets a graphic! The rules for this competition are simple. First man to five takedowns wins. Referee hands out headgear for both men, with MVP tossing his into the crowd.
Well, when you have a specialty match like this, the Wrestling Heel Handbook states that every heel must stall in this situation as much as possible and who is Jack Swagger to dishonor tradition? He calls for time and warms up. Swagger then feels like he’s ready and taunts MVP a lot, so MVP hits him with a Greco-Roman Slap to the Face. Bell rings to start this match proper. Swagger gets a point off the bat with a waistlock takedown to go up 1-0. MVP grabs a leg, but Swagger rolls through and takes MVP down to go up 2-0. MVP grabs a waistlock, but Swagger’s able to get a double-leg takedown to go up 3-0. Not looking good for Montel here. Both guys roll around and Swagger shoves MVP’s head in the mat, so MVP gets up and slaps Swagger again. Of course, since the bell rang, that ain’t legal.
WINNER: Jack Swagger by DQ - Swagger completely outclassed MVP here, which is how it should be, considering this is Swagger’s specialty. So Jack Swagger gets to host the VIP Lounge for one night. Striker then uses my Greco-Roman gag, just to piss me off.
Post-match, MVP walks out dejected, but gets jumped from behind by Swagger. He applies the anklelock. MVP taps (as if that’ll help), as a pair of refs pull Swagger off.
Backstage, LayCool pose with their belts connected like the Wonder Twin rings, as Kaval looks on. They pimp their plan for Melina this Monday on Raw.
We come back with a couple of stills from WWE’s tour of Shanghai. We follow that with footage from last week’s match between Christian and Drew McIntyre and the subsequent heel beatdown.
Tony Chimel once again introduces us to Alberto Del Rio’s personal ring announcer, Ricardo Rodriguez.
ALBERTO DEL RIO (w/ROLLS ROYCE) v. CARLOS SANCHEZ Sanchez is billed as hailing from Fresno, but he’s got about ZERO chance here. Swinging Jujigatime finishes at 3 minutes.
WINNER: Alberto Del Rio - It’s a second helping of SQUASH! I will note, however, that there’s absolutely no reason Del Rio should have hit a chinlock in a squash match.
Backstage, the Big Show and Kelly Kelly are headed to the ring. Big Show’s in action next!
Ad break – “Legendary” ad. It’s really sad to see Danny Glover reduced to a supporting character in a John Cena “film”.
THE BIG SHOW (w/KELLY KELLY) v. LUKE GALLOWS (w/JOEY MERCURY & SERENA) Show clubs away to start. Chop to the chest in the corner. Another chop in a different corner, as Punk watches displeased from the locker room. Chop to the back. Show tosses Luke like a sack of potatoes, sending him to the outside. Show heads outside, which sends Mercury scurrying away. He pursues Gallows and hits a chop to Luke’s chest as he’s on the English announce table. Show rolls Luke back into the ring. He stops to scare Serena off and she turns around right into an UNPROVOKED Thesz Press from Kelly Kelly! Oh lord, is THAT going to be our last visual of Serena? Show looks to continue Chopfest 2010, but Gallows hits some back elbows. That only annoys Show, who piefaces Luke across the ring. Luke continues undaunted, as he’s able to get Show down to a knee, but Show knocks him down with a single chop to the chest. Show does the choo-choo train call and he’ll finish Luke off with the Mayweather Special at two minutes and change.
WINNER: The Big Show - It’s another squash in a series of them. All chops. All Big Show.
Backstage, CM Punk looks on angrily. And yeah, that should just about spell the beginning of the end for the Straight Edge Society.
Coming up next, the Undertaker returns!
The Undertaker makes his dramatic entrance. He doesn’t look too bad here, compared to how old he looked at the PPV. Once UT enters the ring, it’s promo time! “Although I may look dead...I’m not dead yet. But I am...still very much the Dead Man. And this...is still my yard. Now there’s one thing that I need to make perfectly clear and that is that I will never pardon the guilty. And speaking of guilty, that brings me to my brother, Kane. Kane is guilty of a treacherous betrayal — a betrayal that he will pay dearly for. He has what I like to call a diseased soul and that disease has festered and turned into a web of lies, lies that he thinks that he can fulfill my boots. And I guess the biggest lie of them all is the lie that he thinks that he can carry my holy grail, the World Heavyweight Championship.”
Interruption comes from Kane’s pyro, followed by Kane. Kane walks to the ramp with his own mic, of course. “The only one spinning a web of lies is you, big brother. I hear the weakness in your voice. I can see it in your eyes. You’d have to be blind to miss. I’m the one who’s diseased? I’m the one who’s delusional? Have you taken a look at yourself lately? You’re no longer the phenom! You’re not even a shadow of what you once were. And I will have no problem crushing you under my boot and dropping you on your head, just like I did at Summerslam. You’re living in a fantasy, big brother! The reality is that I’m bigger than you, I am stronger than you, I am now the dominant brother and I have nothing left to prove!”
UT: “You know, Kane, there’s a reason why you always walked in my shadow. What was it last week, Kane, what was it you called yourself? Come on, you’re gonna have to help me here, because my memory isn’t quite what it used to be since your cowardly attack. Come on, what was it? Waitwaitwaitwaitwaitwait...I got it. You called yourself ‘the devil’s favorite demon’. Well, Kane, have you forgotten or have you just chose to forget that the house that the devil lives in I built brick-by-fiery brick. And when I come calling, the devil still answers to me with ‘sir’! You have never been worthy and you never will be! You are not worthy to carry that championship! You are not worthy of the power that you steal with the fear you inspire! And most of all, you’re unworthy of being my brother! Now you listen and you listen good, I taught you everything you know about evil, but I didn’t teach you everything *I* know, so when the mood strikes you, I’ll be waiting. And when the fight starts, it’s always going to end the same way.”
Kane: “NOT...THIS...TIME! Because *I* know and you know that THIS TIME it ends the same way that it did at Summerslam, with YOU sprawled helpless at MY feet! I promise, no I VOW on the grave of our mother that YOU will never rest...in...peace. Hahahahaha! Hahahahaha!”
Show ends with Kane’s music and Kane laughing evilly.
Ugh...way too many squash matches. The SD crew was at the tail end of a two-taping week and it showed. Nothing good outside of the two SS rematches and Kofi/Dolph was still marred with the stench of a crappy finish.
The UT return also seemed to underwhelm, as the crowd seemed dead for most of that exchange. Maybe the world is running on UT fatigue. That doesn't bode well for this feud, but hey, at least the promos are top-notch.
Farewell, Serena. You deserved better than to go out on a Kelly Kelly Thesz Press, but c'est la vie.
(edited by It's False on 28.8.10 0235)
And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Lord, bless this Thy hand grenade that with it Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits, in Thy mercy."
Kane is still solid after all these years when given the chance to be productive. He's still better fighting little guys, and still works the same exact style, but I'm always surprised how capable he is when he cuts a promo.
Dashing Cody Rhodes shaves his legs? Does Vince still like to stick it to the Dream and family when he gets the chance or what? Lucky for Cody I think he can keep the gimmick working.
Kofi/Dolph is doing nothing for me, and I blame Vickie. She's the unneeded garnish. Again, why would Dolph continue to court her when it give him no advantage? That DQ stipulation was a trap, and Vickie risked a loss by slapping Kofi. Either she's a smart and connected or she's too emotional. Pick one, WWE.
Alberto is a joy to watch. The wink before the slap? Awesome. The Cross of Gold? Awesome. The pelvic A? Awesome. Bringing back Christian's Golden Shower pyro? AWESOME.
JTG deserves better. He had moves in Cryme Tyme. I like Punk's Mac Tonight beard.
So let's say Punk regains focus with an altered or eliminated SES. Both belts are held by heels. Who does he go after?
Big Show should always wrestle with his bear shirt on. It makes him look huger.
"To be the man, you gotta beat demands." -- The Lovely Mrs. Tracker
Maybe the crowd was less than enthused by the Kane-Taker promo because they have seen it before, and Kane always jobs to Taker. In all their matches, has Kane ever won? It's a Jericho against HHH and Cena like discrepancy. Kane really needs to go over at NoC, even if he still drops the belt the next month.
(edited by kentish on 30.8.10 1310)
"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
Originally posted by kentishMaybe the crowd was less than enthused by the Kane-Taker promo because they have seen it before, and Kane always jobs to Taker. In all their matches, has Kane ever won? It's a Jericho against HHH and Cena like discrepancy. Kane really needs to go over at NoC, even if he still drops the belt the next month.
I think they're making a point of this. Everyone says Kane always loses. Cue shock when Kane wins semi-clean against weakened Undertaker after a match full of commentary about how Kane never wins.
I don't know if anyone has posted this yet, but I'm going to anyway: Two excerpts from Shaun Assael's "Sex Lies & Headlocks" is on ESPN Page 2. Here's some links: Excerpt #1 Excerpt #2 It's a good read. Check it out.