I can't say that I love the 90s, really. The first four years were high school and let's pretend that never happened. University was better, and there were various good times and new adventures and stuff, but I don't look back at James aged 13-23 as being Prime Era James. I mean, God, I hope not.
As far as the music of the 90s, there's a certain type of late 90s alternative that I still quite like because I am old and afraid of anything new. This show, however, was not that. Instead, we were treated to a selection of early 90s R&B and rap that isn't really on my current playlists. But I loved some of this back in the day. Nostalgia, right? This should be fun, right?
Before the concert, Mika and I met up with Reagan, Deserée, and Reagan's friends Dustin and Sarah for dinner. Twice, in fact, because the first place was full. I had a delightful Thai chicken pizza. Would get again. Then Mika went home because she is the only one of us with any sense. The rest of us were off to the show.
We had splurged, relatively speaking, on floor seats. Not too far back, pretty close to the centre, and I was even on an aisle. A lovely view for what was in store.
When we got to our seats, there was a party host on stage inviting people to join him for the opportunity to win Salt-N-Pepa t-shirts and a chance to dance on stage with the band. You could also just buy the shirt and get to dance with them that way too. Despite repeated requests from Deserée, I refused to take part in any of this. Anyway, the people who did go up for the contest would hear a snippet of a TV show theme - name that tune, and you get your shirt and can come back later and dance. Out of probably 20 contestants, I think they gave away three shirts. The thing is, this is I Love The 90s, right? But apart from the Jeopardy song (which is technically from the 80s or earlier anyway), it was all shows like The Odd Couple, Laverne & Shirley, Happy Days, and Welcome Back, Kotter. The host - whose name was also James - even said "you're here because you love the 90s and the 80s and the 70s" and it's like... no? That was never part of the deal, my dude. James seemed quite disgusted with how this all went down. As a black person, he was especially disappointed when the black contestants didn't know the themes to Good Times, The Jeffersons, or Sanford & Son. He was also annoyed with the white guy who missed All in the Family and gave "I don't know, I'm 35" as his excuse. Apparently age shouldn't matter as Those Were The Days is "in the white people handbook." Fair enough. The only contestant he seemed to like was a dude wearing a rainbow mohawk wig who grabbed the mic out of his hands and yelled FUCK YEAH and then James said FUCK YEAH and then rainbow guy said FUCK and James said FUCK and rainbow guy said IT'S MY BIRTHDAY and James said FUCK YEAH and then James said fuck like 30 more times and none of you who get reviews by email will ever see this. I'm sorry for clogging your spam filters. I should mention that rainbow guy's theme was Knight Rider and of course he didn't get it because he's probably 25 and how would he know what the Knight Rider theme is?
Anyway, this may have been the highlight of the evening.
Our opener was Young MC, who also stretched the credibility of this 90s conceit as he's known for one big hit - Bust A Move - that came out in 1989. Close enough, I guess. 1989 was quite a while ago and Young MC is pushing 50. I suppose that illustrates the danger of naming yourself "young" anything, though his actual last name is Young, so he gets a pass. He did five songs, I think, highlighting a new song called Nocturnal that is on the soundtrack to a movie he directed, possibly also called Nocturnal. He really wanted us to know about his directorial debut. Anyway, he did Bust A Move and then said that normally that was the end of his set, but he was going to give us something more (I assume every city gets something more) and asked if we remembered a song of his called Fastest Rhyme. I am 100% fine with admitting that 2017 James inherited 1989 James' enthusiasm for Fastest Rhyme and if I could pick any one song of his for this show, that would have been it. So I was delighted, even if he did have to pause for breath in the middle of it. Though I did think it was a little funny that his only other hit single was Principal's Office and he didn't do that one.
Next up was Color Me Badd, the band Deserée was most looking forward to. I had always said I didn't know anything about them, but when Mika did some YouTube research, it turned out I was actually pretty familiar with their hits. We also discovered that the Lonely Island's Dick In A Box video is just Color Me Badd's video for I Wanna Sex You Up reshot with new people (and some boxes).
Anyway, these guys got about 25 minutes to do a half-dozen songs and they were better than I expected. I knew all the songs, including No Diggity, which is not actually one of theirs. It reminded me of seeing Bobby Curtola and other oldies at the casino with my dad, where they play their own songs but also play random other songs from that era because you're nostalgic for the time more than the specific artist. I can't remember if I mentioned this then, but it would be like seeing 70-year-old Justin Bieber at the casino doing Gangnam Style and Call Me Maybe and Blurred Lines. Which could very well happen. I'll go to his show in 2064 and report back.
In a compelling example of how expectations change one's perception, Deserée didn't care for Color Me Badd so much: "I was fairly disappointed with them actually. I mean, fun and nostalgic, yes. But for one thing - in 1990-whatever, I truly believed Color Me Badd was an edgy R&B group (that I had to turn down when listening to at home, because of all the sex songs). It wasn't until dinner the other night when Mika talked about them that I realized they might actually be a boy band. And then when they came out in matching outfits (including hats) and started doing their dance moves, I realized the horrible truth. Overall though, it made me sad that the lead singer was off-key and off-time for much of it. But like I said, nostalgic and fun anyway."
It should be noted that the crowd was very excited for all of this. Between sets, the DJ played Funky Cold Medina and people went wild for it. You didn't really even need live musicians or rappers anymore. Just play recognizable songs and you've got them in the palm of your hand.
Right about now, we were about to be possessed by the sounds of MC Rob Base. Base got four or five songs too, most of which were about our hands, where we could put them (in the air), and how we could wave them (like we just don't care). He also wanted to yell things and have us yell other things back at him. To be fair, everyone did that all night, but he was especially interested in this. He closed with It Takes Two. Of course.
We had a bit of an intermission while they set up the stage for Salt-N-Pepa. James came back out to talk to us and seemed delighted to spot his friend in the crowd. "HEY! IT'S FUCKING FUCK BIRTHDAY GUY!" Fucking Fuck Birthday Guy was delighted by the attention.
Salt-N-Pepa had about an hour-long set - the only one of the evening - and played pretty much everything you'd expect - Shoop, Push It, Whatta Man, Let's Talk About Sex. Continuing a theme from earlier, they also played a bunch of things like Billie Jean (not 90s) and Smells Like Teen Spirit - by which I mean Spinderella just played the MP3s and everyone sang overtop them. Like I said, you didn't really need any musicians at this point.
All the girls who bought or won t-shirts got to come up and dance to Girls Just Wanna Have Fun (not Salt-N-Pepa, not the 90s) and then they invited guys up for Whatta Man. You could see a rainbow mohawk wig making its way through an ocean of humanity like a shark fin. He neither bought nor won a shirt, but Fucking Fuck Birthday Guy was allowed on stage anyway because James was in charge and James was laughing to nearly the point of tears. Fucking Fuck Birthday Guy tried to take Salt's mic and yell FUCK YEAH but she just told him to settle down. Total professional. Then he didn't want to leave the stage until James basically had to drag him out of there.
I would be remiss if I didn't mention that Pepa had apparently just discovered what Regina rhymes with. This happens a lot when bands come to town. I believe that by now, all possible avenues in this area have been explored (not a euphemism) (but probably true if it was?) but she was so amused and enthusiastic about it that nobody minded.
And then it was our headliner, sort of, Vanilla Ice. Grade 9 James (me, not the host) (if only there was an easy way to differentiate us) loved some Vanilla Ice. But even then, there are only a handful of songs I remember. Ice Ice Baby, of course. Play That Funky Music White Boy. Ninja Rap OBVIOUSLY. And beyond that - and I am not proud of this, much less proud than I am of admitting to having liked Vanilla Ice in the first place - I remember a verse he had on a Bloodhound Gang song. And that was what he actually opened with, which kind of blew my mind a little bit. I don't think he actually did Ninja Rap (the sound was terrible all night - way too loud, distorted, and full of feedback) but he did say GO NINJA GO NINJA GO a few times and that was good enough for me. But it was pretty much downhill from there, and we weren't starting from high up.
The absolute funniest moment of the night came when Ice said "I just wanna give a shoutout to the Pats. Regina Pats, making it to the playoffs! I think they're going all the way this year." And look, I know that "local sports team" is second only to "name of city" in terms of cheap pops. But you can get away with that if you're talking about a major league team. Even if Ice had said something about the Roughriders, I can almost pretend that he cares enough to have CFL opinions. But come on. Far be it from me to call into question the credibility of Vanilla Ice, but I really don't think he's following the Western Hockey League that closely.
Anyway, if you're Vanilla Ice, what song do you end on?
He called a bunch of fans up on stage and played Ice Ice Baby about five songs in. It seemed early to wrap things up but where can you go from there?
"THE PARTY DON'T STOP!"
He did some song nobody knew.
"THE PARTY DON'T STOP!"
He did another song nobody knew. People were filing out of the place at this point. Including Vanilla Ice, who disappeared from the stage (or at least hid behind the fans, who were still up there) though his voice could still be heard.
"THE PARTY DON'T STOP!"
Deserée: "...but it could."
At this point, Vanilla Ice played Turn Down For What.
"YEAH YOU LOVE THE 90S!"
Turn Down For What is from 2013.
"ALL THE HORNY PEOPLE PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!"
Not to reveal too much about myself, but I did not, in fact, put my hands in the air. I mean, sure, you'd THINK nothing would get a person going like hearing loss and complete bafflement, but it didn't do it for me. In fairness, it seemed to be the secret sauce for lots of the folks who were left, including Fucking Fuck Birthday Guy who had found his way onto the stage by this point.
But hey, at least Turn Down For What is a good song to end a party on, right? But Ice - who had also made his way back onto the stage - possibly he got lost and followed the rainbow mohawk - had one more for us. First, he told us to follow our dreams. Believe in ourselves. Not let borders divide us. And then he sang No Woman No Cry. Vanilla Ice, reggae superstar. I texted this to Mika who simply replied "Oh no." People were flooding out of the arena. I could not leave. I was transfixed. What is this? Why is this? And then it was over. No encore, just a voice - possibly prerecorded - thanking us for attending. It didn't end with "...leave now" but it may as well have, not that I would have needed encouragement.
To cap off the evening, as I walked alone to my car, mostly deaf and lost in some sort of existential crisis, two guys stopped me and asked for a ride. They did not say to where, but they did promise me "a lot of money." I declined, not feeling up to being a good Samaritan and also not wanting stab wounds and a stolen car. Though it would have made a more compelling conclusion than "I went home and had some Coke Zero and Crispy Minis."
I'm writing and posting these reviews out of order. As I'm finishing this off, it's the day before my trip to Calgary. By sheer happenstance, I am there during Canadian Juggalo Weekend. Part of me badly wants to go to Canadian Juggalo Weekend just so I can write about the experience. But I kind of feel like there's much less reason for that now. I mean, sure, there will be wrestling and circus performers and crazy shit and clowns EVERYWHERE but is that really so different from this? I mean, Vanilla Ice even had two dancers who were fat guys in clown suits and wrestling masks who sprayed water on the crowd. Switch out the water for Faygo and we're set.
I can't recommend this show enough and I also can't recommend avoiding this show enough.