-Chris Sabin d. Kenny King & Suicide to win the X Division championship in an Ultimate X match -Jeff Hardy, Magnus & Samoa Joe d. Aces & Eights (Anderson, Brisco & Bischoff) with a Jeff Hardy Swanton Bomb on Brisco -Jay Bradley d. Sam Shaw with the Bruce Campbell Reference -Abyss d. Devon to win the TNA Television Championship with the Black Hole Slam. Originally set to be Devon/Joseph Park, but Park was taken out in a backstage segment prior to the match. -Gunner & James Storm d. Chavo Guerrero & Hernandez, Bad Influence and Austin Aries & Bobby Roode to win the TNA Tag Team Championships * Bad Influence is DQ'd after Christopher Daniels nails Chavo with the belt * Chavo and Hernandez are quickly eliminated after when Aries pins Chavo * Aries & Roode are eliminated after Storm hits Aries with the Last Call and Gunner finishes with the Torture Rack -Taryn Terrell d. Gail Kim in a Last Knockout Standing match after Terrell bulldogged Kim off the ramp -Kurt Angle d. AJ Styles off a reversal sequence -Bully Ray d. Sting to retain the TNA World Heavyweight Championship after an old-fashioned nWo run-in sequence
Yeah, why not?
We open with a video package that features Bully Ray addressing the camera and promising destruction. It's DAMN good and I'm not doing it any kind of justice.
Your hosts are Todd Keneley, Mike Tenay, and Taz. It's a celebration of TNA's 11th anniversary and, holy CRAP, did anyone ever expect this company to last 11 years?
CHRIS SABIN v. SUICIDE v. KENNY KING: X DIVISION CHAMPIONSHIP ULTIMATE X MATCH Well, they certainly know exactly how to open a show. We go back to the last Ultimate X match almost exactly one year ago, where Sabin shot hit knee to shit. I'll admit that I've been tuned out for a couple of weeks, but Kenny King has some new music since the last time I saw him and it's quite terrible.
King bails to start, so the faces surround him, in a spot we've seen a hundred times. The faces double-team King and hit a double armdrag. The alliance quickly falls apart and Suicide hits a double springboard armdrag. Suicide tries to climb and dumps Sabin along the way. King catches Suicide and hits a running seated dropkick. Sabin runs right into an exploder from King. Tenay notes that everyone here is a former champion, but I can't imagine it's the same dude playing Suicide, so I'm not sure how accurate that is. King and Sabin exchange blows in the corner. Suicide drops Saban with a back suplex and starts fighting King in the corner. Electric chair is countered by Suicide. Saban hits Suicide with a snap suplex and chokes King in the corner. Tenay notes that Sabin competed in the first Ultimate X match in '03 and King won the most recent one at the One Night Only PPV. Sabin kicks Suicide out of the way and hits King with a tornado DDT. Sabin suplexes Suicide on top of King and starts climbing. Suicide shoves Sabin out of the corner and starts climbing himself. King catches him, but gets shoved off. So King comes right back with an enziguiri, sending Suicide to the outside. King tries to roll up Sabin and opts for a single-leg crab, instead. Suicide grabs King with a guillotine choke. Does anyone realize that submissions don't count here? Contrived spots abound, as Suicide takes out both guys. Suicide heads to the middle, but gets pulled down by King. King and Suicide continue going at it in the corner, but here's Sabin to get Suicide out of the way. Cradle suplex hits! Sabin wants up, but Suicide nails him with the electric chair drop! Now King wants up and he starts moving towards the belt. Suicide drops him and Sabin takes Suicide out with an enziguiri! King takes HIM out with an enziguiri and it's counters for everyone, ending with King wiping out Sabin with the springboard blockbuster! Suicide comes up empty on the suicide dive, but opts for the dropkick from the apron, taking out both guys. King misses a blind charge in the corner and Suicide takes both guys out again. King catches Suicide, but it's time for the TOWER OF DOOM~!...or not, because King kicks his way out of it. Instead, everyone gets tied up in the corner and Sabin tries to climb up. Now everyone gets up top, as Suicide hits Sabin with the superplex, while King simultaneously takes HIM out with the super Russian legsweep! Everyone plays dead until King and Suicide both start chasing the belt! They get to the middle and fight each other off. King takes Suicide out, but here comes Sabin! They're both holding on for dear life until King falls! Sabin's upside-down, but he gets himself together long enough to grab the belt!
WINNER AND NEW CHAMPION: Chris Sabin - Empty calorie spotfest, with hardly any of those spots meaning anything in the long run. But it got the crowd going, so that was nice.
Suddenly, the "Not the nWo" porno music hits, as Hulk Hogan is here to steal the spotlight and make this about him congratulate Sabin on his win. Hogan tries to compare this to beating Andre the Giant and gives us the standard "THIS is the future of OUR BUSINESS" line that he's been reeling off for the better part of TEN YEARS now. Hogan sends Sabin along his merry way, because he's here to talk about himself, of course. And it doesn't take long for the ACES & EIGHTS to come out and interrupt. Anderson talks loud and says nothing. Hulk comes back by saying nobody in Boston is afraid of no ghost, terrorist, or pussy in leather...blah blah blah. He threatens to bitchslap Garrett and calls him a bitch. Ooh, Hogan feels EDGY! Feel the EDGINESS, brother! Hogan cues the faces to come out.
THE ACES & EIGHTS v. MAGNUS, SAMOA JOE & JEFF HARDY The Aces are represented by Anderson, Garrett Bischoff, and Wes Brisco. So after Hulk is done playing the role of Christy Hemme, he takes off. Job well done, brother!
The Aces all attack from behind, as none of them stand a chance against the almighty JOBBER POWER! Anderson methodically works over Jeff, but Jeff picks up the pace with his usual offense. Anderson bails to his corner and tags out, but Brisco doesn't fare much better. Garrett tags in and does even worse. Joe tags in to a big pop and pounds away on Garrett. No one has any luck against Joe. Magnus tags in and we get some double-teaming from the faces. Anderson's crossbody is caught and Magnus turns it into a suplex. Magnus gets distracted and that makes him your face-in-peril. The heels work over Magnus, with everyone showing worse offense as we go. Brisco tries to wipe out everyone on the apron, but they rightfully laugh him off and take him out, instead, allowing Magnus to make the hot tag. Jeff cleans house on everyone, but gets cut off by Brisco from behind. Whisper in the Wind disposes of him. Pier 6 breaks out. Jeff hits Brisco with the Twist of Fate and Brisco takes it so terribly that they have to repeat the spot! Hebner decides to have a chat with Joe and Magnus, who are standing on the apron...and it's a LENGTHY one, which allows Garrett to crotch Jeff. Yeah, that didn't look contrived AT ALL. Joe and Magnus hit their old tag-team finisher. Joe chases after Anderson and gives him the Kokina Clutch atop the ramp! Hebner's distracted AGAIN, which allows Brisco to nail Magnus with the Greco-Roman Nutshot. But Hebner's STILL distracted, which allows Jeff to nail Brisco with the Swanton Bomb, allowing Magnus to get the pin.
WINNERS: Jeff Hardy, Samoa Joe & Magnus - Were they legal? Who knows? All I know is, I can safely classify this as Just Another Shitty Aces Match.
Jeremy Borash is backstage with Joseph Park and notes that he made his in-ring debut one year ago. Park talks about standing up for his family, but gets jumped by Devon and Knux. We leave with the image of Park's hand smearing his own blood along the wall. SYMBOLISM~!
JAY BRADLEY v. SAM SHAW: BOUND FOR GLORY QUALIFYING MATCH We go back to May 16, where Bradley beat Christian York with the BOOMSTICK~! to advance.
Both men waste no time starting out and come up wtih...something. Shaw grabs a headlock, but gets shoved into the corner. Bradley misses a blind charge and Shaw gets a headlock. Bradley misses an elbow, as this match is just SCREAMING "amateur hour"! Shaw does a lot of somersaults and Bradley pulls him down by the hair. BORRRRRRRING! Shaw's headlock is reversed into a backbreaker. Shaw comes back with a HORRIBLE Thesz press. This crowd is SO dead. Shaw hits a running corner dropkick and tries to hit the Orton backbreaker, which is funny, because Shaw's workstyle makes me wonder if someone threw Randy Orton in the wash and shrunk him? Anyway, Bradley finishes this abomination of a match with the Bruce Campbell Reference.
WINNER: Jay Bradley - Ye gods, I thought Brisco and Bischoff were bad! These guys were TERRIBLE!
Post-match, Christy Hemme talks to Jay Bradley. Bradley cuts a completely vanilla promo. Dear God, let's move on!
Backstage, Jeremy Borash talks to the tag team champions, who cut a fairly lowkey promo, by their standards.
Here's a video package for the Joseph Park/Devon feud.
DEVON (w/KNUX) v. JOSEPH PARK: TNA TELEVISION CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH We last saw Park destroyed in the back, so you should know that he's not coming out. So Devon has the referee count Park out. We have a forfeit!
WINNER: Devon - Yup.
Unfortunately, Devon makes the mistake of running his mouth and saying that he'd be happy to kick Abyss's ass too. And sure enough...
DEVON (w/KNUX) v. ABYSS: TNA TELEVISION CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH Abyss destroys both Devon and Knux to start. Knux nails Abyss from behind, allowing Devon to come in with a flying forearm. And now Devon's on offense, which turns the crowd quiet again. What a relief. Wouldn't want the crowd to get TOO excited, right? Devon works over Abyss with his shitty offense. Abyss suddenly starts to make the babyface comeback, making sure to take out Knux. Chokeslam hits. Black Hole Slam finishes for the pin and the title.
WINNER AND NEW CHAMPION: Abyss - Well, this angle's about to get a lot more interesting. The match was ten kinds of dreadful, but at least the angle's about to take an interesting turn.
We look back at Kurt Angle/Sting from Bound For Glory 2007.
We bring out DIXIE CARTER to make our next TNA Hall of Fame announcement. She says nothing of note to start before inviting the TNA roster to come up to the ramp for her announcement. With everyone atop the ramp, Dixie announces the second inductee...Kurt Angle! Well, that's an interesting choice. That leads into a pretty great video package for Kurt. Kurt gives a classy acceptance speech.
Jeremy Borash talks to Bad Influence. Christopher Daniels talks about bringing the tag titles back to prominance. Kaz runs down Storm and Gunner and says the titles are coming back to them and THEN we have permission to worship them.
BAD INFLUENCE v. AUSTIN ARIES & BOBBY ROODE v. GUNNER & "COWBOY" JAMES STORM v. HERNANDEZ & CHAVO GUERRERO: WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP FOUR-CORNERS ELIMINATION MATCH Chavo and Daniels start off. Daniels hits a shoulderblock and pose and Chavo comes back with a clothesline. The champs hit their normal double-team offense. Aries tags in and he and Roode start to work over Chavo. Chavo tags out to Storm to get us our latest Storm/Roode face-off. Storm clotheslines Roode and tags out to Gunner, who makes goofy faces. Hernandez tags in and we get the big man face-off. Shoulderblocks go nowhere. They try and run at each other, but both get nailed from behind. Things start to break down, as Hernandez nails Bad Influence with a double backbreaker. Aries and Roode double-team the Mexican contingent before getting nailed by Storm and Gunner. Bad Influence attack Gunner and Storm from behind and clear the ring. They pose for a bit, but turn around and eat a DOUBLE NO-HANDS TOPE from the champions! Hernandez wants the Davey Boy suplex, but gets attacked from behind by Kaz. Hernandez plays the face-in-peril for the two heel teams. Crowd starts chanting for Aries, as Hernandez nails both Aries and Roode with a double suplex. Roode tags Kaz, but he gets tossed off and Chavo gets the hot tag. Drop toehold and cannonball splash hit. Tilt-a-whirl backbreaker is followed by a rolling corner splash. Heel miscommunication leads to the Three Amigos to HEEL HEAT, as the crowd chants for Aries. Daniels comes in and nails Angel's Wings on Chavo to a pop! Everyone starts going at it again. Storm wants the Last Call on Roode, but Daniels pops Storm's knee with the belt! Aries disposes of Storm, but eats the NFL tackle from Hernandez. Kaz takes out Hernandez, but misses the corner splash. The Border Toss and Frog Splash look to finish, but Roode runs distraction. Daniels comes in with the belt, but he gets caught and that's a DQ to some big heel heat.
Meanwhile, Roode puts Aries on top of Chavo and Aries eliminates the champs to a POP!
That leaves Roode and Aries to hammer away on Gunner. Aries gets a slingshot splash for 2. Gunner tries to make the hot tag, but Roode pulls Storm off the apron! Gunner manages to get the hot tag, but Storm's hobbled by a bad knee. He gets backdropped onto the apron (FORGETTING TO SELL THE KNEE!) and hits the enziguiri. Storm nails Aries with the hanging DDT, as we continue to pay tribute to Randy Orton tonight, for some reason. Gunner and Storm hit a sweet double-team catapult DDT for 2. Uranage is countered, but Roode can't hit the payoff! Gunner gets the Torture Rack, but it's broken up by Aries. Roode whips Aries into the corner dropkick. Roode hits the Double R Spinebuster and Aries looks to finish with the 450 Splash! IT GETS 2! Storm nails the Last Call on Aries and Gunner finishes with the Torture Rack to win the titles.
WINNERS AND NEW CHAMPIONS: Gunner & James Storm - Ehhh...I'm very lukewarm on this team. Hopefully, this should be the end of the Austin Aries Apology Tour and we can go back to normal after tonight.
Jeremy Borash talks to Brooke Hogan, but she stops the interview about halfway, as that plot continues to thicken.
Here's a video package for Gail Kim/Taryn Terrell.
ODB makes her entrance for our next match, as the Knockouts ref.
GAIL KIM v. TARYN TERRELL: LAST KNOCKOUT STANDING MATCH Gail works over Taryn to start and poses. Taryn comes back with clotheslines and a shoulderblock. Neckbreaker and suplex hit. Gail grabs AJ's Black Widow hold, as Taz talks about female estrogen leading to rage issues. Yup. The Black Widow looks to finish, but Taryn answers at 4. Gail chokes away on the apron and climbs up top. Missile dropkick hits and gets 7, as Gail grabs a chair. Taryn kicks the chair away and gets a snapmare. Taryn climbs up top, but she flies right into the chair! Both women are down and gets a "holy shit" chant! Gail answers at 6 and slams Taryn's ankle into the chair. Gail positions the chair into the corner. Gail shoots Taryn into the corner...and I'm sure the intention was for her to hit the chair, but she misses it by a mile! Gail makes up for that Botchamania moment with the RINGPOST FIGURE-4 for 8. Gail tries to come right back with a somersault corner splash, but MISSES AND HITS THE CHAIR! Gail answers at 9 and now TARYN wants the ringpost figure-4! Gail answers at 8, so Taryn charges in, but the suicide dive misses! Taryn answers at 9 and now they go at it on the ramp. Taryn charges in, but Gail SWEEPS THE LEG, sending her crashing down. Taryn answers at 9 and Gail wants a PILEDRIVER (!), but Taryn answers with a BULLDOG OFF THE RAMP!!! YIKES!!! Taryn barely makes it up at 9, but Gail does not and that's it.
WINNER: Taryn Terrell - That was really impressive stuff with bumps that you normally don't see in a women's match. Very cool stuff here, as Gail Kim continues to raise the bar for women's wrestling.
"THE OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST" KURT ANGLE v. "THE PHENOMENAL" AJ STYLES Styles comes out to some new faux Johnny Cash music, because he's an EVIL HOBO now.
Stalling to start before Kurt outwrestles AJ. AJ takes a walk and catches Kurt coming in. Big dropkick hits. AJ comes in with a flying forearm in the corner. AJ runs right into a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. BIIIIIIIIG back bodydrop hits. AJ starts targeting the knee and hits a springboard dropkick on the knee. AJ grabs the kneebar, but Kurt grabs the ropes. Dueling chants are up, as Kurt tries to come back, so AJ wipes him out with a standing dropkick. AJ hits the single-leg crab, but Kurt tries to reverse it into the anklelock, until AJ grabs the ropes. Kurt hits a clothesline and both guys are down. AJ hits kicks, but Kurt comes back with uppercuts. Both men exchange blows, ending with clotheslines and a belly-to-belly suplex from Kurt. AJ hits an armdrag, but Kurt comes right back with an exploder for 2. Kurt charges in, but eats a spinebuster and Asai moonsault for 2! Kurt has to work for it, but he does get the Rolling Germans. AJ comes back by hanging Kurt on the ropes and hits a slingshot senton for 2. Kurt wants a second-rope German, but AJ LANDS ON HIS FEET and then Kurt gets the crowd GOING with a BELLY-TO-BELLY SUPLEX INTO THE TURNBUCKLES! AJ manages to keep Kurt at bay with the spinning back fist and clothesline. AJ springboards, but lands right on a kick to the nuts! Angle Slam hits! IT GETS 2! STRAPS COME DOWN! Anklelock looks to finish, but AJ rolls out of it. Kurt moves in, but AJ rolls into the kneebar! Kurt counters that into the anklelock! AJ tries to reach the ropes, but Kurt drags him to the middle and grabs the Unbreakable Heel Hook! AJ TURNS IT OVER AND KICKS OUT OF IT! Both men are down and the crowd applauds both guys. Kurt's corner charge misses and AJ hangs him in the Tree of Woe! Running seated dropkick hits! Backbreaker hits and AJ heads to the apron. Springboard 450 misses and the schoolboy gets 2 for Kurt! Angle Slam is countered, as AJ tries for a sunset flip, but Kurt stacks himself on top for the pin!
WINNER: Kurt Angle - That took a bit to get going, but that was a DAMN fine match! Easily match of the night!
The kayfabed poll has 64% of the fans backing Sting to win tonight's match.
Backstage, Bully Ray cuts a promo and promises bad things with the No Holds Barred stipulation. Ray promises to unleash the ONE MOVE that wrestlers stay away from: the piledriver. Ray promises to finish tonight with the piledriver.
Here's a video package for Bully Ray/Sting.
"THE ICON" STING v. BULLY RAY: TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP NO HOLDS BARRED MATCH Jeremy Borash gives us the championship intros.
Ray poses with the title, but Sting catches him with a Stinger Splash right away. Sting bashes Ray on the steel steps and start hammering away with the belt. Ray's still standing, though, as both guys go toe-to-toe. Sting wins that battle and whips Ray into the corner with authority! Corner whip and clothesline take Ray down. Sting grabs the belt and starts beating Ray with it. The offense looks to continue on the outside, but Ray catches Sting coming in with the clothesline. Ray works over Sting with chops and a whip into the steel steps. Ray wants PLUNDAH...and comes up empty. Ray clotheslines Sting down and rushes to the back. He comes back with a chair. That seems like a long way to go for a chair. Did someone seriously forget to put chairs under the ring??? COME ON, GUYS! Anyway, Ray's chairshot misses and now Sting starts bashing Ray with the chair. Ray yells out in ironic pain! Sting continues the beatdown, but here's BROOKE HOGAN to provide us with our ending. Sting sends Brooke to the back, but the distraction allows Ray to come back with the Greco-Roman Nutshot. Now Ray starts working Sting over with the chair. Back in the ring, Ray whacks Sting with the chair and NAILS THE PILEDRIVER! IT GETS 2! Now Ray wants furniture and puts a table in the ring. Sting makes the babyface comeback and tries for the ten-count corner punches, but Ray pops up at 8 and powerbombs Sting through the table! IT GETS 2! Taz passes something to Ray. Now Ray's going under the ring and starts LOOSENING BOLTS! He pulls up the ring tarp! He's lifting up the ring material and wants wood! Sting misses the Stinger Splash! PILEDRIVER ON THE WOODEN BOARDS!!! IT STILL GETS 2!!! Ray wants another one, but Sting hits the backdrop, as it looks like he's making his last stand! Sting wants the piledriver, but now Ray backdrops out of that one. Now Ray wants the SECOND-ROPE SENTON THAT NEVER HITS! IT MISSES! SCORPION DEATHDROP ON THE WOODEN BOARDS! But here are the Aces for the nWo run-in, as OF COURSE we once again timewarp to 1996. Unbe-fucking-lievable. Sting destroys all the Aces and looks to finish Ray. Devon tosses the chain in, but Sting catches it and nails Ray! Devon pulls Hebner out at 2! Anderson passes the ball-PEEN hammer to Ray! Sting comes off the top, but Ray catches him with a hammer shot to retain the title.
WINNER: Bully Ray - God, that match had the potential to be so much better than it had any right to be, but that goddamn ending turned it into a fresh pile of overbooked shit. Goddamn this company.
Post-match, the Aces celebrate. Closing credits are up and we're out.
Why haven't they turned Brooke yet??? What are they even waiting for at this point??? Do they HAVE to move this angle at even MORE of a snail's pace???
Styles/Angle, the Knockouts match, and the tag title match keep this one out of the Worst PPV of the Year conversation for a while, but that main event featuring overbooked nWo nonsense lifted straight out of the late 90's is just not going to cut it in 2013. And it's so sad, because TNA showed flashes of brilliance before falling right into their usual pattern of crap.
Not very reliable, but on Smackdown! Cole said it was every couple of minutes. So that makes it seem like about two minutes. And because Cole knows everything we should believe it. Don't believe anything you hear, and only half of what you see.