I'm not going to get this show, but let's do this anyway. All matches C&P from TNA's official listing.
BROTHER RAY (TEAM 3D) VS. JESSE NEAL (INK, INC.) This match? For Slammiversary? Makes no sense. Anyway, Neal wins thanks to interference from Ink Inc.'s new enforcer, Tomko.
MONSTER'S BALL: DESMOND WOLFE VS. ABYSS w/ CHELSEA Abyss, thanks to Chelsea turning on Wolfe and helping Abyss. Stockholm Syndrome FTW
"THE BLUEPRINT" MATT MORGAN VS. HERNANDEZ It looks like this is bumping The Band's title defense off the PPV entirely, which is interesting. Hernandez.
KURT ANGLE VS. #10 CONTENDER, KAZARIAN Angle, duh.
MR. ANDERON (sic)& JEFF HARDY VS. BEER MONEY So is Anderson sincere? Even if he's not, I think he'll play it straight here for the win.
"THE PHENOMENAL" AJ STYLES VS. JAY LETHAL Lethal, I think, because this is his "push" month.
KNOCKOUTS TITLE MATCH ROXXI VS. (c) MADISON RAYNE Rayne retains for now, keeping the belt warm for Mickie James.
TNA X DIVISION TITLE MATCH KENDRICK VS. (c) DOUGLAS WILLIAMS I'd like Williams to retain -- I just don't see the point of a Kendrick reign right now.
TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH STING VS. (c) ROB VAN DAM This is totally uninteresting to me, but RVD retains.
IN ADDITION Dixie Carter's Twitter says: "Got a nice surprise for Slammiversary." (This is apparently a DIFFERENT surprise than the OTHER one, about which she says "this will change TNA on every level.") So for this "nice surprise" I'm going to predict Hurricane Helms arrives.
Last 5 movies seen: Youth in Revolt **1/2 - Shutter Island ***1/2 - From Paris With Love **1/2 - The Petrified Forest *** - Alice in Wonderland (2010) **
BROTHER RAY (TEAM 3D) VS. JESSE NEAL (INK, INC.) Ok, I'll give them credit for making the Dudz mildly interesting with this storyline. It beats anything they've done for the last couple of years now. Anyway, Jesse Neal wins, as they tease dissension between Ray and Devon.
MONSTER'S BALL: DESMOND WOLFE VS. ABYSS w/ CHELSEA Wolfe wins when Chelsea bops abyss with a baseball bat or some such nonsense. I'll be happy when Wolfe moves on from this crappy angle.
"THE BLUEPRINT" MATT MORGAN VS. HERNANDEZ Time to resume the Hernandez push. Hernandez wins easily.
KURT ANGLE VS. #10 CONTENDER, KAZARIAN This SHOULD be a simple Angle squash, but Flair and Styles will make this more convoluted than it needs to be. Angle wins regardless.
MR. ANDERON (sic)& JEFF HARDY VS. BEER MONEY Does TNA's website not have spell check? Yeesh! We get face miscommunication, as Anderson "accidentally" whacks Jeff with a foreign object. Beer Money wins.
"THE PHENOMENAL" AJ STYLES VS. JAY LETHAL I wonder if this will be like the time Lethal beat Kurt Angle and they forgot all about a few weeks later. Lethal wins.
KNOCKOUTS TITLE MATCH ROXXI VS. (c) MADISON RAYNE Roxxi's earned a run, but she won't get it. Rayne wins.
TNA X DIVISION TITLE MATCH KENDRICK VS. (c) DOUGLAS WILLIAMS Williams is the best thing the company's got going since they stupidly have the Pope doing a worked injury angle. Williams retains.
TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH STING VS. (c) ROB VAN DAM Sting wins the title. They try to sell us a Sting/Jeff Jarrett title match at next month's PPV with a straight face.
As for the surprise, I'll say it's Mickie James' debut.
BROTHER RAY (TEAM 3D) VS. JESSE NEAL (INK, INC.) The promo on the last Impact was pretty nice, but I still have no hope for this match. Neal wins.
MONSTER'S BALL: DESMOND WOLFE VS. ABYSS w/ CHELSEA Abyss : Monster's Ball :: Undertaker : Coffin Match. Wolfe wins.
"THE BLUEPRINT" MATT MORGAN VS. HERNANDEZ Hernandez. It's time for his Kane push.
KURT ANGLE VS. #10 CONTENDER, KAZARIAN This should get time and it could be the match of the night. The ending will be screwy, but Angle will win.
MR. ANDERSON & JEFF HARDY VS. BEER MONEY Anderson and Hardy. I guess Anderson will remain face for the time being.
"THE PHENOMENAL" AJ STYLES VS. JAY LETHAL Styles via Heel Strategery.
KNOCKOUTS TITLE MATCH ROXXI VS. (c) MADISON RAYNE They did nothing to build this match up at the last Impact, which was conspicuous. Rayne should win.
TNA X DIVISION TITLE MATCH KENDRICK VS. (c) DOUGLAS WILLIAMS Williams.
TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH STING VS. (c) ROB VAN DAM Sting wins to set up a match against Jarrett.
I'm glad I don't have to pay for this.
Forfeit the game, before somebody else takes you outta the game, and puts your name to shame Cover up your face, you can't run the race The pace is too fast, you just won't last - "Points Of Authority" - Linkin Park
Boy, I'm so not caring at this point. But, hey, the predictioning will at least give me SOME reason to react when I read the results.
Brother Ray, because I see absolutely no reason why anyone would want to give him an important singles win at this point in time, so they probably will. (Well, as important as he's likely to see, anyway.)
Wolfe. I'll try not to bitch too much about how "Monster's Ball" once meant something more than just "hardcore match".
Hernandez. There's a real chance that his injury was perfectly timed so that he could come back just as the wrestling quotient is increasing and the depushing of the "homegrown" talent decreasing.
Angle. It would be stupid even for TNA to build a "goes through all ten men" angle and end it at one. Although shouldn't the rankings change every month? If someone else is number ten next month, does Angle have to start over?
Anderson and Hardy. Not really sure about this one.
Styles. The story will be that Lethal outwrestles Styles but the outside interference gives AJ the win.
Madison Rayne. They didn't push Roxxi that much when she was a badass, so I don't see why they'd give her the title in her new "OMG I got a title shot" character, which doesn't suit her at all.
Kendrick. Because they will want one title change.
RVD. Because it won't be this one.
Seems like a pretty full card, but it wouldn't shock me if they give The Band a quick squash title defense as well.
Slammiversary, a/k/a "TNA has a PPV today?" I'm with Karlos; I'm not buying it...but I'm predicting it!
BROTHER RAY (TEAM 3D) VS. JESSE NEAL -Brother Ray, for no obvious or good reason. Maybe a return on Brother Runt?
DESMOND WOLFE VS. ABYSS -Desmond Wolfe. Not sure what Chelsea will be doing here, but I bet the end revolves around her.
MATT MORGAN VS. HERNANDEZ -Matt Morgan, but Hernandez gets the last laugh tonight.
KURT ANGLE VS. KAZARIAN< Kaz wins it.
MR. ANDERSON & JEFF HARDY VS. BEER MONEYI like Anderson as a face; I cheered for him as a heel, so I'll continue now. Will he return to his heel roots? Knowing TNA, probably (they like to turn people after three week stints, right?) but I think he and Jeff will win it.
AJ STYLES VS. JAY LETHAL -Jay Lethal's one of the best things going in pro wrestling right now. I think he's due for a major singles title reign. Jay Lethal wins this.
ROXXI VS. MADISON RAYNE -Can Mickie James appear on any other shows right now? If so, I think she'll win the title somehow tonight. Though, I will predict Madison Rayne.
KENDRICK VS. DOUGLAS WILLIAMS -Let's see Kendrick chase the title for a bit here. Williams retains.
STING VS. (c) ROB VAN DAM Sting wins it, for no reason.
What will be Dixie Carter's underwhelming surprise at Slammiversary? No idea whatsoever. Maybe a debut of a second show to go head-to-head against Smackdown? I dunno.
I gotta say, though, and I don't think this applies to CRZ, because I'm pretty sure that's a joke about Bischoff. (I mean, even if he didn't recap the shows anymore, I doubt he'd close the whole damned site.)