No point doing what was kind of already done. Always have a Plan B, right?
Jesse The Body Venture says he's back and welcomes us back to a new season of Saturday Night's Main Event. The pleasure is all ours.
Jake the Snake Roberts is cutting a promo, in the shower, in wrestling trunks, with Damian wrapped all around him. This is truly a great wrestling moment that has been lost and forgotten.
Johnny V is up next with The Dream Team Greg the Hammer Valentine and Brutus Beefcake. He claims they will reclaim their titles tonight.
The Wizard is with Kamala. Jungle born and jungle bred. Well okay then.
Bobby the Brain Heenan is in the dressing room with Mr Wonderful Paul Orndorff who is posing in the mirror as Heenan paces back and forth. We are looking at the next Heavyweight Champion of the World.
Hulk Hogan HULKAMANIA!!!
The opening rapid fire promo's were pretty cool.
This is Saturday Night's Main Event Episode #7
Vince McMahon is here with Jesse Ventura. They talk about Piper's injury.
Mean Gene Oakerland is with Rowdy Roddy Piper who is hurt and can't wrestle The Iron Shiek. He is freaking out. He is going to wrestle. Go fuck yourselves.
Hulk Hogan is in the back. God created heaven, earth, The Hulkamaniacs and then the 24 inch pythons. Hogan is doing God's work tonight. Mr Wonderful you no good traitor.
Back to Mean Gene with Heenan and Wonderful. Heenan says that Albino Ape is nothing but a liar.
Mr Wonderful and Bobby Heenan make their way to the ring to Hulk Hogan's music. Mr Wonderful does the Hulk Hogan ear to the crowd and gets boos.
Back in the back we go to Mean Gene. He wants a word with Hogan. Hogan tosses him out of the way. You don't steal Hogan's music. Hogan gets to the ring and points and Wonderful. Wonderful can't handle it. The shirt is ripped off and it's time to go.
Wonderful slugs Hogan. No damage. Hogan slugs Wonderful and he goes down. Heenan gets on the apron Hogan goes for him and Wonderful attacks from behind. Down on the floor Wonderful gets a moment of offense, but Hogan fights back. In the ring Hogan slams Wonderful's head into the turnbuckles.
Heenan is on the apron again and is going into his pockets, but gets slugged by Hogan and down he goes. Wonderful again gets the advantage. Ventura can't believe how dumb Hogan is falling for the same trick twice. Orndorff drops some knees to the head. They are back outside and Hogan rolls into the time keepers table. Wonderful chokes Hogan with a cable.
Orndorff back in the ring. Hogan struggles to get in and Wonderful knocks him back to the floor. He makes it back and Orndorff slams him to the mat and chokes him with his leg. Orndorff goes for the pin and only gets a two.
Suplex by Orndorff. Another cover gets two. Hogan is sitting up and no sells Wonderful's kicks. He is on his feet and sends Wonderful into the ropes and hits him with a running knee lift! I've never seen him do that before. Hogan slams him to the mat and goes for the leg drop but Heenan grabs Hogan's legs. Orndorff charges while Heenan hangs on but Hogan ducks and Orndorff flies over the ropes.
Cops come to the ring and the carry Bobby Heenan away from ring side. Ventura is disgusted. This is a disgrace. They lock Heenan in a room.
We are back from commercial. Hogan is chasing Orndorff around the ring which allows Wonderful to get in the ring first and take advantage. We get some leg and knee drops and some choking for good measure. Back breaker by Wonderful followed by an elbow and he gets a two count. Clothesline by Orndorff and he is calling for the Pile Driver.
You don't Pile Drive Hulk Hogan. Back body drop gets him out. Orndorff throwing punches, but it's HULK UP time! Hogan beats up Orndorff, gives him a running elbow. Thumbs up to the crowd and he gives Orndorff a clothesline, he then sets up a Wonderful for a pile driver. No, wait 'some fat sweat hog from the audience' runs in and hits Hogan. Oh wait it is Adorable Adrian Adonis. Hogan turns around and clobbers him. The ref throws the match out. Orndorff and Adonis attack Hogan. Piper comes gimping out on a crutch and nails Adonis while Hogan throws out Orndorff.
Piper and Hogan almost go toe to toe. They don't know what to do. Piper looks upset he helped Hogan. Hogan is confused. Piper then leaves and Hogan poses. McMahon loves it. Ventura thinks Piper is a sellout and Hogan is an ego maniac.
Next up a Snake Pit Match
Jake Roberts comes down to the ring and we take it to an earlier interview with Mean Gene who is with Jake Roberts and Damian back in the shower.
Mean Gene "What are we doing here"
Jake "Well, this is my time, you wanted to talk to me I didn't want to talk to you"
This is a pretty great interview. Mean Gene is in a groove tonight.
Ricky the Dragon Steamboat is making his way to the ring with a bag of his own.
Earlier comments with Steamboat. He has a dragon.
The bell rings and we lock up. Back and forth armbars and chops. Steamboat with an armdrag and an irish whip that pancakes Jake and gets two. Steamboat gets another armdrag and arm lock. Jake is scared of Steamboat's bag. Steamboat is wrestling in a headband and Jesse Ventura thinks he is an idiot.
Steamboat to the top for a splash, but Roberts gets his knees up and Steamboat is hurt. They both crawl to their bags, then Jake decides attacking Steamboat is a better idea. Jake goes to work on Steamboat's ribs for two. Short arm clothesline by Jake, and Vince agrees with Jesse that Jake got a slow count. Jake gives Steamboat a body slam, jams the knees into Steamboats ribs and then just goes for a choke hold.
Jake takes his time for some reason and the Dragon fights back. But now Jake has him reeling again and a snapmare gets a two. Steamboat starts coming back, but a reverse atomic drop stops that. Jake in control and then Steamboat comes out of nowhere and rolls Jake up for a three count and the win.
Jake is pissed and attacks from behind. He drives Steamboats back into the ring post on the outside. Back in the ring. Jake has the snake out of the bag, but in the mean time Steamboat got his dragon out and scares Jake out of the ring and to the back.
Back with Mean Gene and Hulk Hogan. Hogan speaks a bunch of gibberish. People talk about Warrior's promos but some of Hogan's are just as funky.
The Iron Sheik is in the ring with Slick
Earlier today Ventura caught up with these two when they showed up in a limo. Slick claims the Sheik is the next champion of the world.
Piper's replacement is former WWF Champion Pedro Moralas but here comes Piper again and he is telling Moralas to get lost and threatens him with a crutch. Sheik charges Piper and gets beat down. Piper goes for Slick and the Sheik takes control and starts choking Piper with his own shirt. A series of kicks and a suplex is reversed into a small package and a handful of tights gets the three! Sheik is beside himself. Ventura calls this all a bunch of bullshit.
Mean Gene in the back with Johny V and the Dream Team. They claim they were cheated out of their titles.
Back from commercial Mean Gene is with Roddy Piper. Piper says he might be insane and he flips out just talking about Adrian Adonis.
The Dream Team is in the ring and here comes the tag team champions The British Bulldogs
Valentine and Dynamite Kid start off and this is a two out of three falls match. European Rules! The Hammer works Dynamite over in the corner and zeroes in on the knee. Beefcake gets tagged in and hits a suplex and snaps Dynamites leg. The tag is made and in comes Davey Boy. Who takes control of Beefcake with some power. Beefcake reverses and hammerlock and tags in Valentine. Valentine goes for a pin and gets two and a quick tag to Beefcake. Beefcake goes for a pin and gets two. Valentine back in, quick tags being made. Davey Boy gets to the corner and makes the tag.
Dynamite is in ... and he is selling the leg. Valentine takes advantage. Quick tags by the Dream Team. They have cut the ring in half. Valentine hits the figure four leg lock. Davey Boy comes in for a save and Beefcake cuts him off and Dynamite submits. First fall goes to The Dream Team.
We go to the back where Mean Gene who is in the Adrian Adonis locker room. He says Adonis may have a separated shoulder. They replay Piper's crutch shot to Adonis.
It's time for the next fall. Valentine continues to work Dynamite's leg and goes for the figure four again. Dynamite fights out and Beefcake is tagged in. Double team leg split while the ref is turned looking at Davey Boy. Dynamite is in trouble so Beefcake struts. Davey Boy tries to get some and while the ref tends to Dave Boy we get more double teaming. Valentine misses an elbow off the second rope. Tag is made.
Davey Boy is a house on fire. He cleans house and then suplexes Valentine that gets two. A powerslam gets two because Beefcake interferes. Davey Boy lifts Beefcake on his shoulders. Dynamite jumps off of Beefcake and hits a diving headbutt on Valentine for a three count. We are all tied up.
Valentine and Dynamite face off. Valentine gets an early advantage, but Dynamite fights back and hits a snap suplex and then misses a falling headbutt. Valentine takes control. Beefcake comes in the ring the referee kicks out Beefcake and misses the tag to Davey Boy. Valentine goes for a figure four, but Dynamite kicks out of it and makes a tag.
Davey Boy and Beefcake are now in and try to do stuff while Dynamite and Valentine rest. Davey Boy hits a sunset flip that almost gets three. Beefcake up and rakes the eyes. He then taunts Dynamite and more double teaming ensues. More quick tags by the Dream Team, but they can't put Davey Boy away.
Beefcake hits the high knee, but Dynamite makes the save. All four men are in now. While Valentine is mixing it up with Dynamite, Davey Boy hits a Perfectplex and gets the three for the win and they retain.
Back from the break and Leaping Lanny Pofo is in the ring to face Kamala with The Wizard and Kim Chee. He is being called Kamala the Ugandan Headhunter.
Mean Gene was with these three earlier. The Wizard yells a whole bunch.
Leaping Lanny uses his speed early on and then shows off with some flips. Kamala catches him and hits a bunch of chops and a back kick. More chops and back kicks. He then chokes Lanny. Lanny has a curly mini fro that I don't remember him having.
Kamala misses a clothesline and Poffo punches away. Kamala shakes them off. A big splash off the ropes by Kamala gets the three. Kamala won't stop pinning Poffo. He then gets off and goes to the top rope. Kim Chee talks him out of jumping.
Jesse and Vince run down what they have seen tonight.
We go to break and they thank us for joining them and they will see us next time.
Yes, it's that moment that one or two of you have been waiting for - the June update of OlFuzzyBastard's Huge Waste Of Time! The parameters used are all described here in last month's Statistics thread.