Excalibur05
Knackwurst
  
  
     
 
   
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|  #1 Posted on 15.7.03 0215.58 | Last Week: Austinberg took control of the show and he wasted no time killing off Tommy Dreamer once and for all (but not before Kane got in his shots). Triple H couldn’t make the show because he had too many Strawberry Daiquiris. Also, Test and Kevin Nash engaged in an epic battle of the cripples.
No cheers or booing? Whoa…now I don’t know who is the face and who is the heel!
(Opening Credits. Hey…When you think of Kane, do you think of scary girls? Kevin Dunn does!)
We start out with a Highlight Reel? No pyro tonight! Cheap asses. Chris Jericho’s special guest this week is a man that wasn’t at RAW last week…Oh, is it Hacksaw Jim Dougan? No. It’s Eric Bischoff in his Vince McMahon neck brace.
They’re out there to bemoan the lack of Kane on the show. Apparently, since he’s been so great at taking out wrestlers backstage, Vince has asked them to send him to the WWE home offices to get rid of some office personnel. Cost cutting measures and all. Then Bischoff shows us exclusive footage from last week’s RAW, thanks to Kane’s Dream Coffin which was seized when Kane went crazy last week.. Oh, boy! I guess.
(Eric Bischoff Presents Stan’s Used Casket Shop Presents Kane’s Dream Coffin Presents WWE RAW Presents a clip from Austinberg Presents WWE RAW Presents WWE RAW Last Week)
Rob Van Dam is just finishing building a wall. Amy Wynn Pastor he is not. Oh, God. I just made a Trading Spaces joke. The Satire is not long for the world.
RVD: Hmm…The red matches the color in Kane’s tights. I think he’ll like it.
Here’s Kane.
KN: Get away from me, Rob.
RVD: Hey! Kane! I made you a wall.
KN: Uh…in this arena.
RVD: Yeah!
KN: In Montreal.
RVD: Yeah…
KN: Where I’ll get to see it maybe, twice a year?
RVD: Uh….
KN: No wonder I fricking hate you.
RVD: My coy smile and charming good looks?
KN: Through the wall you go.
Kane tosses RVD through the wall. It leads out into a hallway. What if people wanted to get through that hallway? Geez. What a stupidly placed wall, Rob.
(back to reality)
Eric says that that attack is why Kane was sent home (after all who really cares about Rico or Tommy Dreamer?) Austinberg is out to protest, because he was going to use Kane as his doppelganger tonight, so that he could go around and attack wrestlers who annoyed him and blame it on Kane. Blame it on the Kane. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Eric says that later tonight, J.R. will have a special interview with Kane for us. Oh boy. I guess. He’s a monster, but is he a monster on the outside? Find out TONIGHT.
Hey! That means your announcers are Good Ole The Coach and Jerry Lawler. I miss Howler Monkey.
(ads)
I love Erin. Seriously, my TV is telling me. This is like an Online Onslaught Chat spun horribly out of control.
Kevin Nash, Scott Steiner and Trish Stratus (w/ My Darling Stacy) v. Test, Stevie Richards and Victoria
When I envision the perfect match in my head…this is SOOOO not it. Especially with the women. What’s up with that, anyway? Stevie Richards has been on two RAWs in a row. What a coup for him! Nash and Test wheel themselves down to ring side and chase each other around the ring. Wheel chair fight! Then Nash sees Richards and remembers back when he heard that Stevie was running around calling himself “Big Stevie Cool”. So, Nash, in all his rage, powerbombs Stevie. Nash wins. Huzzah.
Backstage, Chris Jericho is hanging around eating Eric Bischoff’s cheese tray. Eric says that the only way for things to be normal again in RAW land is if they can get Austin fired and get Goldberg to be himself again on RAW. Jericho has an idea. Drunken Badminton! Eric goes to get the net while Jericho pours the beer.
(ads)
Lance Storm Cubed is angry because his new superpowers were kept off RAW last week because of Austinberg’s jealousy. The crowd thinks this is boring because it’s not a match.
Lance Storm Cubed v. Maven
The Rock! He wasn’t supposed to be there until next week! Wait…oh. It’s just Maven. He’s coming off his great…uh…loss last night against HHH. Lance Storm Cubed is fooled by Maven, remembering that he ALWAYS jobs to The Rock. No! Don’t believe that he’s The Rock, Lance! Noooooooo…Oops. Lance jobbed. Maven is excited! He’s on a one week winning streak!
J.R. tells Random Crew Member that he’s afraid to interview Kane. Why didn’t you send Terri? It’d be funny to watch her melt when she gets set on fire. Oops. Gave the ending away.
La French Guys are in the ring standing around. That’s all people EVER do on this show. They’re happy that Eric is back to play Drunk Badminton with them. Oh, and they’re happy that it’s France’s Independence Day. Batista Day. For Randy Orton, EVERY day is Batista Day. They’re going to sing the French National Anthem (“Hey, Crazy Lady!”) while we go to commercial. Viva La French Guys!
(ads)
Here’s Bubba, D-Von, and Spike TV Dudley to save the day. They take out La French Fries, and then they sing the National Anthem. Since when is “Welcome To the Jungle” the National Anthem. Oh…must be Dudleyville. Ads again…uh…right…What a productive segment!
(ads)
The Evolution v. The Dudley Boyz
Elimination Tag Team Match
The Elimination rules help out by wasting plenty of time! Triple Naitch gives everyone the finger to show that he’s still “The Man”. Spike goes up top to do some serious damage, but come on, this Spike Dudley we’re talking about here. He jobs to Randy Orton when he falls over. Then D-Von comes in, and HHH threatens to hold him down if he doesn’t fall over, so D-Von jobs to Randy too. D-Von tries to get a table out from under the ring so that he can make the fans happy, but the ad break isn’t having any of that.
(ads)
Bubba starts hitting everyone, but then Randy Orton comes over and gets the pin when Bubba trips over Triple H’s crutches. Poor Bubba. Everybody jobs to Randy Orton. Sometimes. Randy is so excited that he begins drooling blood.
RVD is backstage yelling at Eric Bischoff…
RVD: That was my hemp net.
EB: We just want to play a game of doubles badminton. Me and Chris against La French Guys.
RVD: Dude. Can I have some cheese?
EB: Rob, other than your net, why did you come in here?
RVD: Uh…I wanted to wrestle somebody next week…Uh….
EB: Was it HHH?
RVD: No. Um….
EB: Kane?
RVD: Hehehehe…needs more Kane, dude….hehehehe…
EB: Oh for Pete’s sake. You can fight Kane next week.
RVD: Cheese!
(ads)
Chris Jericho is done with badminton and is drumming up signatures for his anti-Austin movement. So far he’s got La French Guys, Rico, Jackie Gayda, Stevie Richards, Victoria, Chris Tian, and Lance Storm Cubed (that’s THREE extra signatures!). Wow. Linda sure will listen to these jobbers! Jericho should have started a WEB POLL that always works. Hey! It’s the Ghost of Tommy Dreamer come to warn them about the error of their ways. Too bad nobody pays attention to him. How typical.
Theodore Long and Rodney Mack are a-thuggin’ and a-buggin’ all the way to the bank. Theodore says that a Snoop Dogg should be the new GM of RAW. YES!
(Next Week…)
SD: Fo shizzle, Kane-dizzle. You shouldn’t be so mean, man. Chill.
KN: ….
RVD: You are SO, deep, Snoop.
SD: RVD, you’re alright, man. You’re going straight to the mizzain evizzent.
RVD: Dude.
Booyah.
(ads)
Rodney Mack (w/ Theodore Long) v. Rosie
I miss Facezor. Rodney steals a win…oh who am I kidding, Rosie is a HUGE jobber. Both literally and…uh…literally. Hurricane comes out to save Rosie from future humiliation. No! Don’t pick HIM as a tag team partner. NO!! What superhero is he? The Blob? Actually that’d be a neat crossover. Trish can be Striperella their manager. Then that stripper can sue the WWE too! This is gonna go great!
Jericho asks HHH and the rest of Evolution to sign his petition. HHH signs it and then makes Jericho job. HHH is the best backstage politician!
(ads)
Booker T v. Chris Tian
For the WWE Intercontinental Title
This is the 1000th meeting between the two. They’re scheduled for 1500. It’s in their contracts, I checked. Chris Tian gets the pin with the help of the ropes (HEEL TURN for the ropes!), but Austinberg isn’t having any of that. Why the hell does Austinberg care? Then Booker T wins the match. Good for him. Frosties for no one this week! Wendys is all out.
Eric Bischoff tries to call random numbers on the phone again. He gets Linda McMahon. He asks her out for a night at the club. This one NEVER works, Eric.
Kane shows up at the interview, and he gives J.R. a big red box. I hope it’s a puppy! Or the Big Show! He learned that one from his brother.
(ads)
Gail Kim v. Molly Holly
Don’t tell me THIS is the main event? Oh man…working to keep…self…awake. More Kane…coming soon. Gail Kim wins after the West Coast Pop. Rey Misterio is rolling in his bed. He should see a sleep therapist for that. He’ll roll right on out one of these days.
J.R. opens the present. It’s a lamp. “I had my house feng shuied. It doesn’t go with the aura of my curtains.” Kane explains.
(ads)
Kane and J.R. in Stamford.
KN: Please don’t make fun of me or my lamp.
JR: Kane, why are you wearing a towel?
KN: Everyone should have a towel. Plus, I hate Tazz.
JR: Why did you wear a mask?
KN: Well…my hideous scars?
JR: Geez. Kane, you look like and ugly Austinberg. You don’t have any scars.
KN: *Jim. Shut up! You’re going to ruin my gimmick.*
JR: Come on, Kane. It’s over. You can’t keep this up.
KN: Since 1997, I’ve had hideous scars from a fire that killed my parents, and possibly The Undertaker and Paul Bearer who raised me.
Random Staff Guy: Actually, we’d rather you not mention that storyline. Nobody remembers it.
KN: Oh. But…if I’m not hideously scarred, why did X-Pac have to teach me to talk?
JR: Uh….
KN: See? This is what I mean. I don’t make any friggin’ sense anymore. Geez.
JR: Well…At least we proved Katie Vick wasn’t all that crazy now. After a few beers, you might not look so bad.
RSG: Could you guys leave X-Pac and Katie Vick out of this too?
Meanwhile, in Indiana, here’s Austinberg…
AB: Don’t do it, Kane!
KN: Do what?
AB: Ruin all those years of building yourself up! Or else you’ll end up jobbing to Rico on Heat!
JR: But he’s the big Red Machine! By GAWD!
Then, J.R. gets so excited he drops the lamp on the floor. Oops. Kane lifts up his hands and throws them down, starting J.R. on fire. Oops again. Pass the BBQ sauce. Hey! Here’s Eric Bischoff.
EB: See, Austinberg? This is what happens when you come out and talk. That’s why Linda is going to fire you during our date next week.
AB: What?
JR: Oh! Oh, God! I’m on fire!
EB: SHUT UP! Next week, Austinberg! You’ve go the rest of the week to sit around and do whatever you want, and then we’re going to pay to fly you out to RAW until the top of the hour, and then we can fire you.
AB: I’m gonna Stunner Linda!
Next Week: Kane sets RVD’s singlet on fire, and RVD doesn’t notice. Austinberg Stunners Linda. Rock gives us the match that we’ve been waiting for since the last time we saw Rock…that’ s right: Maven v. Rock! NEXT WEEK!
Kane didn’t start the fire. J.R. was always burning, with a sauce yearning
Feh.| Promote this thread! |           | Big Bad
Scrapple
Since: 4.1.02
From: Dorchester, Ontario
Since last post: 19 hours
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|  #2 Posted on 15.7.03 0301.43 | Instant Rating: 5.54 |
Chris Tian gets the pin with the help of the ropes (HEEL TURN for the ropes!)
Maybe two are evil but one is conflicted, like the Misfits on Jem
Another great satire
Over 1700 posts and still never a Wiener of the Day! But I'm not bitter!
Your NBA semi-finalists, folks........
| dMp
Banger
Since: 4.1.02
From: The Hague, Netherlands (Europe)
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|  #3 Posted on 15.7.03 0552.30 |
Originally posted by Big Bad
Chris Tian gets the pin with the help of the ropes (HEEL TURN for the ropes!)
Maybe two are evil but one is conflicted, like the Misfits on Jem
Another great satire
Dude, that is the sickest (in a good way) thing I have ever heard.
Excalibur, funny satire..
drunken badminton, great RVD 'promos' and then to top it off.
Kane didn’t start the fire. J.R. was always burning, with a sauce yearning
high5!
*sigh* Why bother? | tomvejada
Andouille
Since: 2.1.02
Since last post: 3551 days
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| #4 Posted on 15.7.03 0601.59 | Another hilarious satire.
Highlights included "drunken badmintion", and Batista Day.
Keep up the good work.
"Oh my God, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits! It says, 'Oooooo!'" Peter Griffin
"Peter, those are Cheerios." Brian | SchippeWreck
Boudin blanc
Since: 26.3.03
From: Glendale, CA
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| #5 Posted on 15.7.03 1021.24 |
Originally posted by Excalibur05
Chris Tian gets the pin with the help of the ropes (HEEL TURN for the ropes!)
What? The ropes were always heels! They're the longest lasting heel stable in wrestling. When have you ever seen them help a face? (And if you did, you know it's a SWERVE~!, baby!)
And frankly, Trading Spaces jokes are at least three steps up from the American Idol jokes. In fact, I'd say Raw needs more Amy Wynn.
Another week, another fall-down-funny Satire.
Huzzah!
 | MARTYEWR
Kishke
Since: 15.10.02
Since last post: 1429 days
Last activity: 493 days
| #6 Posted on 15.7.03 1054.31 | Instant Rating: 10.00 | After this week's Satire, they BETTER bring Snoop Dogg next week, just for a dialogue with RVD and Kane.
Another great Satire, as always.
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Extreme Warfare Revenge
Wiener Of The Day: Tuesday, March 4, 2003
"Because I'm the man, and the man's the man, and that's just the way it is!" -- Eric Foreman, That 70s Show | thecubsfan
Scrapple
Moderator
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| #7 Posted on 15.7.03 1123.48 | Instant Rating: 10.00 | Blame it on the Kane. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
gotta blame it on something | uberlou
Merguez
Since: 26.3.03
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| #8 Posted on 15.7.03 1313.03 | La French Guys are in the ring standing around. That’s all people EVER do on this show. They’re happy that Eric is back to play Drunk Badminton with them. Oh, and they’re happy that it’s France’s Independence Day. Batista Day. For Randy Orton, EVERY day is Batista Day. They’re going to sing the French National Anthem (“Hey, Crazy Lady!”) while we go to commercial. Viva La French Guys!
I was in stictches reading that.
Milli Vanilli AND Billy Joel song references? RIGHT ON!
Excellent satire.
| gargs
Goetta
Since: 27.8.02
From: The OC
Since last post: 3421 days
Last activity: 3054 days
| #9 Posted on 15.7.03 1343.50 |
Originally posted by Excalibur05
J.R. opens the present. It’s a lamp. “I had my house feng shuied. It doesn’t go with the aura of my curtains.” Kane explains.
(ads)
Kane and J.R. in Stamford.
KN: Please don’t make fun of me or my lamp.
JR: Kane, why are you wearing a towel?
KN: Everyone should have a towel. Plus, I hate Tazz.
JR: Why did you wear a mask?
KN: Well…my hideous scars?
JR: Geez. Kane, you look like and ugly Austinberg. You don’t have any scars.
KN: *Jim. Shut up! You’re going to ruin my gimmick.*
JR: Come on, Kane. It’s over. You can’t keep this up.
KN: Since 1997, I’ve had hideous scars from a fire that killed my parents, and possibly The Undertaker and Paul Bearer who raised me.
Random Staff Guy: Actually, we’d rather you not mention that storyline. Nobody remembers it.
KN: Oh. But…if I’m not hideously scarred, why did X-Pac have to teach me to talk?
JR: Uh….
KN: See? This is what I mean. I don’t make any friggin’ sense anymore. Geez.
JR: Well…At least we proved Katie Vick wasn’t all that crazy now. After a few beers, you might not look so bad.
RSG: Could you guys leave X-Pac and Katie Vick out of this too?
Meanwhile, in Indiana, here’s Austinberg…
AB: Don’t do it, Kane!
KN: Do what?
AB: Ruin all those years of building yourself up! Or else you’ll end up jobbing to Rico on Heat!
JR: But he’s the big Red Machine! By GAWD!
Then, J.R. gets so excited he drops the lamp on the floor. Oops. Kane lifts up his hands and throws them down, starting J.R. on fire. Oops again. Pass the BBQ sauce. Hey! Here’s Eric Bischoff.
EB: See, Austinberg? This is what happens when you come out and talk. That’s why Linda is going to fire you during our date next week.
AB: What?
JR: Oh! Oh, God! I’m on fire!
EB: SHUT UP! Next week, Austinberg! You’ve go the rest of the week to sit around and do whatever you want, and then we’re going to pay to fly you out to RAW until the top of the hour, and then we can fire you.
AB: I’m gonna Stunner Linda!
All of this was Absolut GOLD. Also in honorable mention was the Web Petition comment. Loved it!
Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
Finally....the ROCK (realrock104.com) has come back to Youngstown. | Battlezone
Potato korv
Since: 27.2.03
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| #10 Posted on 15.7.03 1451.29 |
Originally posted by MARTYEWR
After this week's Satire, they BETTER bring Snoop Dogg next week, just for a dialogue with RVD and Kane.
Another great Satire, as always.
Can you IMAGINE Snoop Dogg and Eric Bischoff as co-GMs? There's a Divas Gone Wild joke in there somewhere, but I guess that's why I don't write The Satire.
Great job as always, Excalibur!
"So you're Ben Affleck. You're sitting next to Jennifer Lopez, who's your fiancee, you're eating a eight-foot high sundae, and members of the Boston Red Sox are coming up to you and asking for autographs. If that's not heaven, what is?" - Tony Kornheiser, PTI | Net Hack Slasher
Banger
Since: 6.1.02
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| #11 Posted on 16.7.03 0957.40 | Oh man what a fantastic saire, I laughed out loud a couple of times especially early.
-No cheers or booing? Whoa…now I don’t know who is the face and who is the heel!
I also noticed no reaction to the picture, we found the one crowd in North America that isn't looking at the screen 95% of the time
-(Opening Credits. Hey…When you think of Kane, do you think of scary girls? Kevin Dunn does!)
LoL, what is with these creepy girls and how long has WWE used thier footage, it's been years! Are they creepy women now? Do they know WWE is still using their creepy girl images to get over creepy wrestlers?
-D-Von tries to get a table out from under the ring so that he can make the fans happy, but the ad break isn’t having any of that.
(ads)
Those ad breaks have more stroke then HHH
-Wow. Linda sure will listen to these jobbers! Jericho should have started a WEB POLL that always works. Hey! It’s the Ghost of Tommy Dreamer come to warn them about the error of their ways. Too bad nobody pays attention to him. How typical.
Greatness
cause there's limits to our liberties.
'Least I hope and pray that there are,
cause those liberal freaks go too far.
I'll crush all opposition to me
And I'll make Ted Kennedy pay
If he fights back, I'll say that he's gay |
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