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The W - Guest Columns - Satire! RAW! 11/25/02! Read it!
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Excalibur05
Knackwurst








Since: 19.1.02
From: Minnesota

Since last post: 3 days
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#1 Posted on
Last Week: The Ghost of HHH never showed up. Scott Steiner vaguely threatened Chris Jericho with some sexual innuendo. Shawn Michaels learned that he’d have to defend the WWE Dance Dance World Title against RVD.

(Opening Credits)

Bubba Ray and Reverend D-Von Dudley v. Chris Jericho and Christian
For the WWE Tag Team Titles

A match to start? For a title no less? I must have died and gone to heaven. Thank you, Reverend D-Von! Reverend D-Von is praying for the souls of Chris Jericho and Christian when Jericho rolls up D-Von to pin him.

Suddenly The Big Valbowski and Eric Bischoff come out to tell everyone that Val Venis is no more. Noticing that the participants from the match are still in the ring, they decide it’d be fun if they made another match.

(ads)

Bubba Ray and Reverend D-Von Dudley v. Chris Jericho and Christian
For the WWE Tag Team Titles

A match to start? For a title no less? Whoa…Déjà vu, man. Bubba tags himself in and hits the 3-D on Christian to win the Dudley’z 331st Tag Team Titles. Reverend D-Von promises to redouble his efforts to build a church in the glory of Vince McMahon.

Suddenly, Sean Morely and Eric Bischoff come out to tell everyone that The Big Valbowski is no more. Noticing that the participants from the match are still in the ring, they decide it’d be fun if they made another match.

Chris Jericho and Christian v. Bubba Ray and Reverend D-Von Dudley
For the WWE Tag Team Titles

OH COME ON! Even the guys in the match are sick of this match and they just kind of sit around looking at each other. Realizing that this gives them the opportunity to go through all of their spots, they all hit all of their spots. Having done that, Chris Jericho asks Bubba, “What is black and white and red all over?” Bubba says, “I give up, what?” Bubba gave up! Ring the bell! Christian and Jericho get the titles back!

(ads)

No! Don’t attack Vince McMahon, Stone Cold! That’s against the terms of your probation! What do you mean this is a Retro RAW clip? Who’s that fat guy with the sock anyway? Dude Love?

WWE + Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade = Al Roker going through a table. I’m just saying…

Terri asks Shawn Michaels (The Neyooou WWE Dance Dance World Champion) why he’s always dancing all the time. Shawn Michaels superkicks her in the face and then dances. Chris Jericho and Christian spray Shawn with some champagne, and Shawn tells Christian that he’s glad that there’s another Christian in the WWE. Reverend D-Von is incensed that these heathens are putting HHH to shame. Testify!

Test hangs out with his testicles in India. Some fans are there too, but I’m sure none of them know who Test is. Coach Nash calls him to make sure that he’s not doing anything labor intensive. Thankfully, Test is just sitting around. Coach Nash is proud.

Test w/ Stacey Keibler v. Stevie Richards

Coach Nash is not pleased! To redeem himself, Test pins Stevie in five seconds and then makes out with Stacey. At least he’s not putting anyone over, Kev!

Chris Jericho and Christian are backstage to provide tonight’s cameo appearances by random backstage wrestlers. Tonight’s participants: D’Lo, The Hurricane, Jeff Hardy, and Johnny Stamboli. The Hurricane says that somebody Hurristole Jericho and Christian’s Hurri-Travel Luggage. Jericho laments the loss of his entire collection of hair scrunchies, as the Dudleyz sneak off.

(ads)

Test and Stacey continue to make out backstage. As Test wanders off to find his wheel chair, Victoria threatens to rape Stacey. It’s good to see the WWE investing in more high brow story lines.

Christopher Nowkiski comes out and insults Maven. Maven is about to respond when suddenly, Nowinski remembers that he’s supposed to work in a James Bond crossover and says “Yo Mamma”. Maven can’t stand Halle Berry, so he beats the crap out of Nowinski. Al Snow says that Pierce Brosnan is cut. When Maven finishes, he gets the mic to say that he’s disturbed at the lack of wrestling on the show, but Nowinski hits him with a copy of “Thunderball” to shut him up.

(ads)

Chris Jericho and Christian are backstage wondering if Rico would even miss the old Billy and Chuck trunks that he still carries around. Three Minute Warning show up and threaten to blow spots all over Jericho and Christian, and the tag champs decide to leave before things get crazy go nuts.

Trish Stratus v. Victoria
for the WWE Women’s Title

Honestly…Does anyone care? Really? Oh. Not me. Victoria beats the holy hell out of old Trish and pins her. Stevie Richards comes out and gets his ear bitten by Victoria. She’s the female Mike Tyson by Gawd! Only her voice is more intimidating. And she hasn’t threatened to screw Trish ‘till she loves her. Yet.

Backstage, Shawn Michaels and Rob Van Dam are having a slap fight. Guys, you can SHARE the Herbal Essences. You’re not going to run out.

(ads)

The Dudley Boyz throw Chris Jericho and Christian’s luggage into the crowd. That’s just mean. Hey, remember when Dustin Rhodes did this on Thunder? Hehehehe…Yeah. Then Spike Dudley takes their towels. Ok, that’s sick. Then Bubba and Reverend D-Von start snapping them with rolled up towels while Keystone Cops music plays. Ok, you’ve won me over, WWE. Git ‘em, boys!

(ads)

Jeff Hardy and The Hurricane v. William Regal and Lance Storm

They’ve finally figured out how to have Jeff NOT blow spots. Just don’t let him wrestle. Hurricane can’t fight off both guys by himself, so he loses. Lance Storm is so excited that his new tights are getting him pushed that he breaks out the Sharpshooter, which obviously means that Bret Hart will be back in the WWE by Wrestlemania. I hope he wins a World Title. After the match, Jeff tries to blow some spots, but Regal and Storm aren’t having it.

Shawn Michaels v. Owen Hart

Oh. My. God! Not only is Bret coming back, but Vince has raised the dead yet again, and now OWEN IS BACK! The match is really choppy and there’s no flow. One second they’re out on the entrance ramp, the next they’re in the ring. They don’t even show the finish. What the hell? Why go to all the trouble of raising Owen from the dead and putting Shawn Michaels in the ring, only to not show the finish. That’s just stupid booking.

Kane v. Ric Flair…or…”Dave” Bautista “Davidson” w/ Ric Flair

Silly Lilian thinks that Ric Flair is going to wrestle. Instead, Dave waylays Kane and pins him, proving that not even murder will get poor Kane pushed. Carolina is 2 Horseman Country!

(ads)

Val The Big Shawn Shaun Sean Venis Valbowski Show Stasiak O’Haire Michaels Waltman Seanstien Morely tells Eric Bischoff that the pogs have arrived and that nothing else can be credited to the Big Show trade. Bischoff is sad, and kinda mad that he let the WWE Champion go to the other show. Sean says he’ll bring Scott Steiner to RAW next week to cheer Bischoff up.

Randy Orton is thankful that he hasn’t gotten fired.

Goldust v. Rico

Rico is sad to learn that Christian and Jericho did indeed steal the Billy and Chuck tights. Goldust is sad to learn that Booker T. is trapped in India. Ross and Lawler are sad that this match is boring. Everybody is sad. Let’s not talk about this any more. Goldust won.

RVD is getting high. Shawn Michaels is dancing. That match is up NEXT!

(ads)

Rob Van Dam v. Shawn Michaels
for the WWE Dance Dance World Title

HBK dances for the love of the Lord. RVD dances for the love of weed. Both men pull off compelling and technically excellent performances, but neither can gain any sort of advantage. Thankfully The Ghost of HHH shows up! He’s taken control of another body and he’s pissed! He takes out RVD. He takes out Shawn Michaels. He spits water. He celebrates in the ring. He’s the best heel ever. He starts to cut the best heel promo eve…This Week on CSI…Dammit. DAMN YOU CSI! HOLDING HHH DOWN LIKE THAT!

Next Week:

Will HHH EVER have a chance to get himself over? Wait, why is Shawn Michaels still the Dance Dance World Champion? Who will Scott Steiner vaguely insult next?

Comments are always appreciated. See you next week!

(edited by Excalibur05 on 26.11.02 0410)



Since everyone else is doing it (ok, not EVERYONE, but...)

Vikings (3-8) - I didn't see the game, so, uh, no comment.
Badgers (7-6) - Being from Minnesota, qualifying for a bowl, winning at home. Oh, sweet victory.
Buffy 7.8 Earns 6.7 points. Not one of my favorites, but this season is all about PLOT which is good, and it was a nice little episode of plot developement.
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tomvejada
Andouille








Since: 2.1.02

Since last post: 4010 days
Last activity: 4010 days
#2 Posted on
Pretty funny column, Excalibur.



"I just got pinned by a friggin twelve-year-old."

Kurt Angle
socetew
Chourico








Since: 23.5.02
From: NYC, baby!

Since last post: 2805 days
Last activity: 2801 days
AIM:  
#3 Posted on
Yay! Your columns are funny. It's funny, because I am a huge fan of the people you make fun of, like Jeff Hardy, Lance and Greg a/k/a Shane, but I still totally laugh out loud because the stuff you say about them is totally silly, and yet surprisingly true.

best,
eocs



How serious is serious?

Elemental Wizardry online
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Derek - all he said was that he was going to comment on your retort and then let it drop. I think both of you ought to take the high road and be done with this already.
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