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The W - Guest Columns - SATIRE BOMB~! (10/18/04)
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Excalibur05
Knackwurst








Since: 19.1.02
From: Minnesota

Since last post: 29 days
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Last Week: It was the second Saaaativersary COME ON in England. Triuple…ehem…sorry still got some British in my throat…Triple H hardly had any time to find out what his opponents were doing, as he scrambled to find a treat. Speaking of treats, Kane was reeling after Abe Orton’s dastardly trick two weeks ago, who will be reeling…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

Eric Bischoff is in the ring in full Power Rangers regalia. He’s the black ranger. You’re not fooling anybody, though, Eric. What is this? Dress Up Day? Halloween is a ways off, yet. It’s Morphing Time!

EB: Eugene! Get your sorry ass out here so that I may use my mad karate skillz to kick you in the shins.

Eugene comes out dressed as…a guy with massive hands. What is it with these guys and trying to convince women they have huge penises?

ED: Uncle, Eric, before you begin, I must say that I am deeply disturbed by the lack of an opening match!
EB: Then wait until I tell you that Kane has been voted off the show by the fans!
ED: Oh no! This show needs more Kane, too!
EB: Hey, look, I’m REALLY tired tonight, and so I’m just going to go take a nap. Instead of having a long interview to promote our match at Taboo Tuesday, I’m just going to have you wrestle Abe Orton. Ok?
ED: NO! Where’s the workrate?!

Eugene falls to his knees and tears at his clothes.

Eugene v. Abe Orton

Abe is, to say the least, very frustrated when he can’t figure out how to make Eugene lose his baby. Eh. He’s just fat. Make him do sit-ups, maybe? Eugene fights back by criticizing Orton’s lazy indy work and awful promos, causing young Abe to cry his little, baby killing eyes out. William Regal takes a jaunt out to have a look see, and to see what’s what, but he ends up being punched in the face by Abe. Eugene loses, because he’s out of shape. Where’s Nova when you need him. Getting a haircut?

(ads)

Todd Grisham is standing by for an OMG DEBATE~!

TG: Ok, guys. Settle down. SETTLE DOWN! WE MUST MAINTAIN ORDER!!
EG: Holy crap! Shawn’s invading my personal space!
SM: Oh yeah, well, I’m cold. Can we get some heat up in here?
QF: No. I need the cold. It’s good for my complexion.
CB: Why is my pillar so short?
TG: It’s YOU that’s short. First question. To Mr. Benoit. What would you do if elected #1 Contender?
CB: I promise to pin the weapon of mass deception, and then protect the WWE and its fans from Jon Hnnrnnr.
TG: And Mr. Michaels? A rebuttal?
SM: Hold on…let me finish drawing this horsey. Ok. Uh…I’ve got a plan for winning the world title, and bringing it home to the WWE fans.
TG: And that plan is?
SM: Uh…Hey, at least I’m not Benoit? Huh? Huh? Can I get a witness on that one?
TG: No. Now, Mr. Michaels, I have a question on fiscal policy for you….
EG: What about me? When do I get to speak?
SM: Come on, dude, nobody wants to hear you talk.
EG: But I’m going to win. Right?
TG: No. Queen Frostine, there’s been a lot of rumor about the return of the draft lottery. What do you say about this?
QF: Go milk some goats.
TG: And, Mr. Benoit, your response.
CB: Well, obviously the answer is sending more troops to the Gumdrop For…I mean Heat. If that means another Draft Lottery? Yeah. Ok.
EG: SOMEBODY LET ME TALK! I have lots to say!
RN: You and me both brother.
SM: And you’re BOTH loooosers.
TG: I believe it’s time to move on. My next question is for Mr. Benoit. Mr. Benoit, what would you say to your critics that say you don’t know how to cut a promo?
CB: Uh…well…um….
TG: Ok. This should be interesting…Edge to block….
EG: ‘Sup Jibblies? Can a girl get a salad?

Frustrated, Shawn Michaels superkicks Todd Grisham’s Chest in. Couldn’t get it any higher? Huh. Grisham brains fly everywhere.

EG: Yeah. You can’t match my mad debate skillz.

(ads)

A Short Review Of Rascal Lane
A Book I Haven’t Read
By Matt Hocking

Wrescal Lane is pretty neat. But it’s no Sarah Lane. This book proves that Mick Foley is completely and totally crazy.

My Darling Stacy, Nidia and Victoria v. Trish Stratus, Molly Holly and Gail Kim

The girls are going to live out my fantasy huh? So they’re all going to tear their quads but Stacy? Wow, I wonder if I could vote for that. Trish tries kicking Stacy in her knee. Hey, now. Firstly, don’t get started on the quad tearin’ so soon. Secondly, Stacy is the one who’s quad ISN’T supposed to tear. Where the hell is Jazz? Am I the only person in America wondering that right now? I hope so. The finish FINALLY comes when Victoria picks Gail up and falls over. Victoria wins. Go! Go! Go! Go! You better friggin’ believe that I’ll be watching the women’s match tomorrow night. Just…not this one.

(ads)

Abe Orton is talking to somebody on his cell phone.

AO: Holy crap? Are you watching RAW?
???: Hurmdedurndrumderdee.
AO: Yeah. I totally killed that baby. Plus, I beat up Eugene!!
???: Flederflausenloubenduben?
LT: Who ya talkin’ to? Matt Hardy?
AO: Uh…Oh, hey, Lita, the woman who’s X-Pac I killed. Actually, to tell the truth, I’m talking to Swedish Chef.
LT: Huh?
AO: I know. It doesn’t make any sense right?
LT: No. Not really. None at all.
AO: Well…that’s RAW for you.
LT: Yep.

Randy Orton was on some TV show talking about how old Triple Naitch is. He’s not THAT old. Wait…yeah he is. What the hell is he doing still wrestling? Speaking of, he’s backstage with the rest of Evolution….

RF: Wow. I didn’t realize that I was 97.
HHH: Yeah. Totally. It’s no wonder you don’t like my taste in music.
RF: WRESTLERS SHOULD NOT BE LISTENING TO FOLK ROCK!
HHH: You old coot.
DBD: We’re all old COOTS!
HHH: The evolution of the business. So what’s wrong, Naitch?
RF: I’m trying to remember how hot your old lady was when I TOOK HER FOR A RIDE ON SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOY! WOO!!
HHH: All right, you guys go have your match. I’m going to stay back here and play with balloons. Weeee!
DBD:
RF: KNOCK THAT OFF! Geez, I wonder if Patterson wasn’t right about you Hunter….
HHH: WHAT?!
SA: What?
RF: Uh…Eh. Never mind.
HHH: Have fun at your “match”.

(ads)

Chris Jericho and Randy Orton v. “Dave” Batista “Davidson” and Ric Flair

Jericho and Orton argue for a little bit about whose PPV match will be less enthralling. They compromise with the Women’s match. Orton and Flair fight back and forth for a while. Hey, this is just like watching the PPV for free. Dave tries to beat Jericho up, but it’s not working very well, because the shorter haired Jericho is sleeker and more aerodynamic. So THAT’S why he had it done. Very clever there, Chris. Is the WWE trying to tell us that they want Dave to get the I.C. Title shot? Damn. I was voting for Rodney Mack.

(ads)

When we come back they’re still…uh…standin’ around. Geez. Jericho finally breaks up the monotony by putting Flair in the Walls. Dave nails Jericho with the Clothesline from D-Von but he falls over before he can get in the OSPREY BOMB~! Randy slides in to get credit for his move, but slides all the way across the ring and back out again. Oops. Flair locks Jericho in the Figure Four and picks up the win. With the Figure Four? Over Jericho? Hell, I think we’ve got a good shot at NEW INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION RODNEY MACK here, folks.

The polls are open! Go out and VOTE.

For Rodney Mack.

(ads)

The WWE was in Europe…and they all made it out without rubbing themselves against any stewardesses. HaHA! It’s a NEW DAY FOR WCW!!

Jerry Lawler votes Rodney Mack.

Hey! It’s Vince McMahon!! What the hell does he want?

VM: I’m out here to talk about how awesome Taboo Tuesday is going to be. Mostly because, for some odd reason, nobody else will….

Wait…Wait…It’s Chris Tian….

CT: I really think you should tell everybody to vote for me to fight for the I.C. Title. I mean, geez. Rodney Mack?!
VM: Well, we didn’t officially endorse Rodney….
CT: But, I mean, he’s obviously the booking team’s choice….
VM: Really? I thought that Batista…Maybe Rhyno? Geez…RHYNO?! Maybe Patterson was….

Tajiri is out. Ah, Dammit. Another one of THESE. Play my MUSIC!! Stacy Champion v. I.C. Champion. Hocking/Jericho!!

TJ: I am not going to win the voting.

Tajiri and Christian hug Vince to thank him for giving them a rub. Here’s…Coach…Oh, I friggin’ give UP now.

JC: Hello everyone! It’s me! The Coach! And I’m here at ringside with Vince McMahon, and Mr. McMahon, who do you hope gets the I.C. Title shot? Coach?
VM: Now wait just a minute here. Are you seriously on the ballot? Crap! Who the hell put this thing together?
TJ: I think Pat Patterson?
VM: Goddamn him and his legacy of suck!
CT: Oh, he’s got a legacy of SUCK all right?
VM: Shut up.

Here’s Rhyno to pull this whole segment together….

RH: I WANT TO GORE SOME CRAP! YEAH!
VM: Finally. Somebody cool.

Hurricane and Shelton Benjamin come out.

VM: What the HELL do you all want?
TH: Am I still turning heel?
SB: Am I still getting pushed?
SR: Hello, Mr. McMahon. My name is Stevie Richards.
RH: GORE SOME CRAP!
TJ: You tell them, Rhyno.
SR: I’ve worked for you for some time, you see, and I was just wondering if possibly….
CT: I’ve got it! The WWE is a Christian Organization! Huh? Huh? No?
JC: This is the Coach standing by with Coach’s incredible shlong….
SR: Just maybe you’d get maybe one, or possibly two, people to vote for me?
VM: Jesus, is everybody out here? Where the hell is Rodney Mack?
SB: I’m not your schlong, Coach….
SR: It would just make me feel better as a person. If you even just like….
CT: This Winter, celebrate Chris Tianmass.
RH: I SWEAR, DUDES! I’m about to GORE SOME CRAP RIGHT THROUGH MY EYE SOCKETS!!
SR: …mentioned my name, it’d make me feel really good about myself.

Vince runs off, but first he slowly announces the competitors for the following match.

(ads)

Tajiri v. Rhyno v. Coach v. Shelton Benjamin v. Chris Tian v. The Hurricane

Rhyno gores Tajiri to start, and Tajiri is already out. Man, I know you REALLY had a hankerin’ to Gore, but your own estranged tag team partner?! That’s pretty low, dude. Coach is the next to fall to the power of the Gore, as he’s distracted trying to rub Shelton Benjamin, but as soon as Rhyno goes for another Gore, Christian hits him with a tranquilizer and gets the pin. I guess they’re sharing secrets across brands. Too bad RAW isn’t sending the secrets of how not to suck. A million votes cast? All for Rodney Mack?! This is going to be the best buyrate in HISTORY!! Hurricane gets pinned somewhere in there. I think it was WWE RAW Referee Mike Chioda what got him. Tian goes to take out Shelton Benjamin, but Shelton is too crafty for Christian and gets him with the Ol’ “punch to the face”. That’s as close to a move as he’s got!!! Shelton wins. Vince, on commentary, is the only person I’ve EVER known to sound enthusiastically bored. Shelton grabs the mic after the match and says that he sees now that he doesn’t need Vince or HHH’s approval to get pushed. Next stop for Mr. Benjamin? Nidia’s valet.

(ads)

This week on Smackdown: Tough Enough Starts! Which one of these ugly guys with terrible hair will win?!

Hey…er…ladies, what kind of match do YOU want to have?

Carmella Bot: Only the flame thrower on a pole match computes. These crowds should have to pay a $9.95/year subscription fee to see my glorious near skin breasts. Plus I want to melt Lance’s smug, Action Figuresque face.

Lance Storm/Halle Berry: Uh…How about a “match”? Err…that’s not a choice? I guess an evening gown match. Everybody likes to dress up now and then. Right? I mean, I’m not the only one who gets all dressed up in a pretty green dress and hits the town every once in a while. Uh…right?

Then to re-prove his manhood, Lance goes and makes out with Lillian Garcia who seems horrified, probably because Lance is Canadian. Carmellabot kicks Lance in the back of the knees and runs off, pissed because she lost the Diva Search to some dude.

(ads)

HHH is on commentary talking about teaching Nibblins to swing a sledgehammer.

Edge v. Chris Benoit v. Shawn Michaels

This match is their last chance to prove to you that one of them deserves to be main eventing a PPV. I was about to tell you that I think that Bush would probably win in a streetfight, but then I realized that Kerry’s probably a hair puller, so that changes EVERYTHING. Shawn prances around the ring while Benoit and Edge slug it out in the corner. Edge is still the heel right? Ok, good. Everybody trips on a crease in the mat. While they’re down, they decide it’s just about nap time. Good idea, guys!

(ads)

Shawn tries to jump to his feet, but he’s too tired so he falls over. Go, Randy! Where the hell is Queen Frostine anyway? In a really neat spot, everybody jumps off the turnbuckles at the same time, and they all manage to miss. I must admit, that’s the most impressive thing I’ve seen all night. Benoit tries to put Edge away with the Crossface, but he can’t quite lock it in because Edge is going to win this match. Oops…I…uh…mean…because Edge is an awesome wrestler? Yeah. Sure. Edge, of all people-all three of them, wins the match by pulling Benoit’s tights. OMG BENOIT’S ASS~! That sound you just heard is tens of Tivos rewinding and pausing while workrate freaks make out with their TVs.

Tomorrow Night: Taboo Tuesday hits the scene like a flock of one-winged moths, when surprise poll winner Rodney Mack defeats HHH for the World Title. Eugene beats Eric Bischoff in a Disco Dance Off. Plus, I defend the WWE Stacy Title against my toughest opponent yet, ALF!

Lance and Rob Are Friends
Chapter 21: But at least you’ll have me in drag!

LS: I don’t wanna do a flamethrower on a pole match.
RVD: I’ve got an idea!
LS: What?
RVD: Bring some marshmallows, graham crackers and chocolate and make Smores! Yeah! All right!!
TD: Making food in the middle of the match would be HARDCORE!!
LS: All right, forget about my match tomorrow, where the hell is the Jade Gopher….
TD: With the Sort-of-Pissed Off Fish?
LS: Right but….
VM: What the hell is going on back here?
RVD: We’re eating all the catering!
VM: Get the hell out of here, aren’t you supposed to be on Smackdown?
RVD: Yeah. Isn’t it crazy go nuts that I’m here then?
TD: Woah, hey, Vince!
VM: What is it now?!
TD: What are you going to do about the protestors outside?
VM: Have them all killed!!

Outside the League of Fired Workers is banging on Shawn Michael’s knee….

TEJ: What do we want?!
Crowd: Shawn Michaels to be injured, thus ruining the WWE’s plan to have a fan
Vote decide the Pay Per View Main event.
TEJ: When do we want it?!
Crowd: Very Soon!
TEJ: That didn’t work well at all. Waaaaaaaaah….

A figure shuffles into the middle of the circle.

???: Now you don’t know who I am, but I’m here to tell you that I support the cause.
MT: Pat Patterson?
PP: How did you guess?
MT: Who the hell else was just forced out of the WWE?!
JN: Welcome to the fight, brother.
PP: Thanks, Mr. Noble.
MT: And what do you have to share with the crowd?
PP: HHH is stupid!
Crowd: Yay!!
PP: Now if you excuse me, I’m gonna grab Mountie and run back off to Canada.
MT: This isn’t what I signed up for!!

Backstage, again….

VM: So you’re saying that ALF was trying to eat your soul?
RVD: Well…no, dude. I THOUGHT he was trying to eat my soul he was actually
trying to get some pussy and hide under an elephant.
VM: Why am I even talking to you?
TD: Because you know you’re pretty much screwed?
VM: Yeah. This PPV is gonna suck.
LS: But at least you’ll have me in drag!
VM: Man, maybe Patterson was right.
PP: Does that mean I can have my job back?
VM: Pat?! What the hell are you doing here?
PP: Trying to escape to Canada with my new lover.
MT: Like I tried to tell you, just because we’re both French-Canadian doesn’t….
VM: Shut up. Pat, will you come back and save this PPV from HHH?
PP: No, no. You’re screwed, Vince. You had your chance.
RVD: Yeah! All right!!
VM: Aw, crap.
MT: Hey! Look! A Jade Gopher!

Everybody turns and Mountie runs away.

MT: Haha! I’ve escaped! Now, to find a car….

Mantaur gores Mountie through the back of a taxi.


(edited by Excalibur05 on 19.10.04 1113)


Tonight I wanna ruin my life,
I wanna throw it all away,
In a spectacular way
Promote this thread!
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Wow, this is the first time I've seen three consecutive posts about Hot Newz that didn't claim he ripped somebody off or assault the person that actually might enjoy his columns for enjoying them. Could he actually become *shudder* accepted?
- shotgun_russ, HOT NEWZ (2002)
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