OMG I am back with more Hot Newz! And the big newz is that it's 2011! The year that *I* PREDICTED back in 2003 that the WWE would go out of business FOREVER! So that's something to look forward to! Also in big newz the ROYAL RUMBLE is coming up soon and it will have 40 superstars in it (ten good ones) making it the biggest Royal Rumble EVER! I'll have FULL ENTIRE spoilers for that event in an upcoming paragraph!
But FIRST some general newz and musing and maybe even some newzings! If you want up do date newz just follw my twitter! My first musing: WHY was Anne Hathaway signed to play Catwoman in the new Batman movie when Layla El would be MUCH better and more approrpriate? For a start Layla can already kick ass as she is a legit shooter and once made Kelly Kelly (the legit SECOND TOUGHEST Diva!) tap out backstage in a fight over shoes! Second everyone knows that Catwoman is supposed to be BLACK like the original Catwoman Hayley Berry was! ANd third I want to masturwank over Layla's ass in tight leather! I will masturwank over Anne Hathaway when I see the movie in the theatre, of course (I've got a semi-on just thinking about it!), but I'll be secretly wishing it was Layla!
Tought Enough is coming back! Toucgh Enough is responsible for creating HUGE STARS like Maven (Umm, he dropkicked the Undertaker once), Jackie Gaydar (she outed Evan Bourne!), Nidia (a slut) and Chris "Harvard" Harvard (he ruined wrestling and made it boring and PG by getting chairshots to the head and everything else fun banned, THANKS A LOT PROFESSOR DORKIUS!) Perhaps the winner of this new Tough Enough can fight the winner of the next season of NXT on a C-level PPV while Michael Cole completely buries the match! If they're lucky!
The Dvia Search is also coming back! John Laurinaitis has been CAREFULLY selecting the girls who will take part by browsing BIKINISLUTS.com and saying "I WANT THAT ONE!" when he gets an erection! But things have changed since the awesome Diva search that Layla won (in a SHOOT) and even the mediocre one that Eva won (she looks hot at first, but the more you look the more "meh" she becomes!) This Diva Search will take up twenty minutes of every RAW and of course be hosted by MICHAEL COLE who will spend the entire thing talking about how ugly the women are, how lame the competition is and how stupid the viewers are for watching this crap! Ha! That'll get ratings up! The winner will get to be in a love triangle story with the winner of NXT and the winner of Tough Enough until all three are released as soon as it's contractually possible!
Triple H is now finally the head booker of the WWE! It happened after Vince went totally insane ! After losing her election (what kind of a loser can't even beat a Democrat, lol!), Linda came home one day to find Vince sitting in his underpants staring at a stain on the wall! When Linda asked what he was dong Vince said "I'm watching that DAMN JR! I know he's been stealing my hair and trying to get the lightheavyweights over! I'M WATCHING YOU, PAL!" then tried to give the stain on the wall a Stone Cold Stunner! And the craziest thing was that the stain on the wall didn't look anything like JR, it looked more like Joey Styles! As a result of Vince's obvious crazinsanity, Linda said "Triple H, can you take over my husband's duties?" and Triple H said "well, gee, Linda, you're hot and everything, but I'm married to your daughter! But I'll book the WWE for you at least!"
HHH's first move as new booker was to "bury the fuck out of Sheamus because that pale bastard's gotten too big for his boots!" His second move was to sign Amazing Kong to a TEN YEAR contract! The plan is for Kong WEARING A MASK to keep attacking and powerbombing Rey Mysterio every week for six months until finally Rey rips the mask off and says "you're a woman! I can't hit a woman!" So Rey gets his new girlfriend LATIN LUCY (from CMLAAA in Mexico!) to take out Kong with a flippy-floppy armdrag! HHH's THIRD move was to hire Randy Savage to promote some shitty new video game after Stephanie told him it was a all a bit mistake and Savage DIDN'T take her virginity...Akeen did! Savage just got the sloppy seconds!
Ric Flair has gone crazy in Europe! It all started in GERMANY when Flair did a NAZI STRUT down to the ring and said "Wooooo! Listen up, sausage-munchers! I might be a blond-eyed, blue-haired NATURE BOY, woooooo, who Hitler would admire, but I ain't no damn NAZI like all of you, wooooo!" and took backdrop bump! Flair then bladed and rang backstage and Jeff Jarrett said "gosh darn it, Ric, you can't do that, I know you fought in the war but it's over now!" and Flair said "SHUT UP, FATBOY, give me five hundred thousand dollars in advance so I can buy a ring for a German girl I'm going to marry and another five hundred thousand for the divorce settlement, wooooo!" and did a Flair Flop! While he was down selling it, everyone just ran away and took the bus to Glasgow (it's near Germany!) But Flair HITCHHIKED al the way, showed up and said "look, woooo, I'm sorry for asking for all that money, I forgot to ask that German to marry me anyway and scottish girls are ugly so I won't be getting engaged here, so let's forget the whole thing, woooo!" and elbow dropped a shoe and put a dog in the figure four! Unfortunately he'd showed up at a daycare rather than at the TNA house show so they kicked him out when he started twirling his penis around shouting "COME OUT, JARRETT, I KNOW YOU'RE HIDING BEHIND ONE OF THESE KIDS, WOOO!" That's our crazy Flair!
Mick Foley is writing yet another book! It will be called Countdown To Lockdown Reaction and will feature Foley attacking anyone who dared say Countdown To Lockdown was anything less than perfect and will explain why all his ponitless Rocky quotes randomly inserted throughout the book and completely ruining the flow of whichever chapter they interrupted were actually REALLY FUNNY! There will also be more transcripts of TNA promos that no one cared about at the time let alone now and a 38 page chapter detailing yet another angle he's written for himself and Melina! It will end with a long chapter where he completely betrays his Democratic beliefs and explains why everyone really should have voted for Linda McMahon and the Republicans and can I have a job please Vince! Should be a hoot!
I fucking hate Mister Anderson.
The Royal Rumble is this Sunday! Whenever I give away the results of a show the WWE CHANGES THE BOOKING so that the results are different and I look like a liar. But I'm not a liar, they are! So this time I've decided to just FANTAZY BOOK the whole thing so that WWE doesn't have to change everythign! Or am I REALLY giving away the REAL results secretly!? FIND OUT ON SUNDAY!
First match is Edge versus Dolph Ziggler with the spear BIZZANNED! How will Edge win without his patented running hug!? Easy, he uses an INVERTED SPEAR (feet first!) to pin Ziggler in four seconds! Then Vickie says "Dolph, you're a loser, you're dumped!" and gives him a Banzai Drop! Then as Dolph is walking up the asile looking sad, Randy Orton is walking by on the way for his match and gives Dolph an RKO and says "who the hell was that guy?" Ha! That'll teach Dolph that just because you get put in a world title match doesn't mean you're actually going to get a decent push and not be treated like a joke! He'll never be so arrogant as to try to work hard to get to a main event level again!
The Miz versus Randy Orton is next! Miz gets the CLEAN PIN with a top rope Skull Crushing Finale! Then after Randy Orton pulls the canvas up to reveal a piece of STEEL underneath where his face hit! So it's kind of controversial I guess! Then Miz winks at Michael Cole and says "thank for dropping by the STEEL FACTORY for me, babes!"
Natalaya versus LayCool is next! LayCool win when ASTONISHING KONG runs (wobbles) out to the ring and gives Nattie a chokeslam! Layla then says "this is my cousin from England and she's ROYALTY, it's Princess Konga!" Then does the Layla Dance!
After all these many great matches it is finally time for the historic history making forty man Royal Rumble! Number one is JOHN CENA! He does a stupid "aww, shucks" face that makes me want to punch him as he walks out! Number two is...CM PUNK!!?!?!? That's right! Then three is HEATH SLATER. Four is DAVID OTUNGA. Five is JUSTIN GABRIEL. Six is THAT TALL GUY IN NEW NEXUS. Sensing a pattern yet? Number seven is...BOB BACKLUND! The first mystery entity! And he shakes hands with everyone then climbs out over the top rope and walks away through the crowd shaking hands, making the whole thing pointless! Anyway the rest of the Nexxus and Corre guys come in and then they all SMILE at each other then they all SCOWL at Cena and it turns out the whole Neww Nexxus/Corre feud was a SCAMOLA to screw Cena and they eliminate him! But Cena eliminates like six of them anyway so they don't have an advantage or anything.
Numbet twelve is PRIMO who makes an impact by dropicking someone then taking a dangerous bump on being eliminated that the camera doesn't even see! Then more people come in like Darren Young, R Truth, Yoshi Tatus, Stevie Richards (he's back!) then all four just stand there waiting for KANE to come out and eliminate them and make his pyro go off and Cole says "CAN ANYONE STOP KANE" and WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW and he stops Kane (eliminates him from the Rumble)! Then Daniel Bryan comes in and Cole says "OH YEAH, GREAT, THIS NERD, THIS GEEK, THIS PANTY-EATER, THIS BICYCLE REPAIRMAN, NEVER EVEN HAD A GIRLFRIEND EXCEPT GAIL KIM AND SHE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE HIPS, ANYONE WHO HAS EVER ENJOYED ONE OF HIS MATCHES IS A MORONTARD!" Then Bryan eliminates Big Show the same way Chris Benoit did that one year (Lawler: "I've never seen that before!") and Stryker says "WHO'S THE LOOSER NOW, COLE?" and Cole says "I didn't call him a looser!" and Stryker says "pointless AWA reference!" And Bryan does the Daniel Bryan Dance (which is oddly sexier than the Layla Dance!) And the match CONTINUES!
More people come in including ZACH RYDER (WHO HIDES UNDER THE RING) utnil MARK HENRY comes in and eliminates like three jobbers and he looks to be UNSTOPPABLE until the return of THE GREAT KHALIE who has slimmed down and shaved his head BALD and has a tattoo of a tiger on his back and wrestles in leather chaps now and is now managed by Kaitlyn! And he and Henry elimiante each other to set up a WrestleMania match! Then of course Fucking Hornswoggle comes in for a "comedy" bit and eliminates Jack Swagger then pisses on swagger and his urine is green and is never officially eliminated so next year I make a joke about Hornswoggle running in at the end and eliminating the winner because he was never officially eliminated! And also William Regal comes in and does like one uppercut then gets eliminated but everyone on Death Valley Driver acts like he outworked everyone else in the match! And also Drew McIntyre who turns face by eliminating Punk (earlier on the show he grabbed Kelly Kelly's tits!) and setting up their WrestleMania match (did you really thin they'd let Punk face Cena at WrestleMania? LOL!)
Finally it gets up to number 30 (the returning STEVIE RAY who comes out to Booker T's music then says "that's right, it's me! You all remember me!" ((no one does)) "I can't say 'SAD SACK FURITY BOOTIES' on PG WWE but just type it into YouTube and then you'll see!" and gets eliminated by Kofi Kingstone right away then Ron Simmons walks out and says "DAMN!" which makes no sense and isn't funny but we all laugh anyway!) Then it's time to get SERIOUS with KING SHAMEUS, REY MYSTERIO, ALBERTO DEL RIO, Ted Debiase (joke lol, he lasts eight seconds!) and THE RETURN OF TRIPLE H! He tosses King Shameus like a pannedcake! Number 38 is another mystery entrant...KEVIN NASH! He starts to walk slightly briskly on the way to the ring then collapses moaning "oww, I tore a quad again!" So he never makes it to the ring and it's down to just Triple H, Rey, Daniel Bryan (could he pull off the upset!?) and Alberto until number 39's music hits...it's Batista! He comes out carrying an unconcious/dead Cena on his shoulder and gives him a spinebuster right on the ramp and says "RRRRRAAARGH!" He eliminates Rey, Bry and Alberto in four seconds! He keeps Triple H in longer to TORTURE him and ALL HOPE IS LOST until number 40's music hits...DO YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING!?!?!?! A man comes out wearing a mask but with the Rock's BODY and TATTOOS and SKIN TONE (not being racist!) and gives Batista THREE ROCK BOTTOMS and FOUR PEOPLE'S ELBOWS and eliminates him! He then says "I forgive you, Paul!" to Triple H and jumps over the top rope to leave! He's stops at the top of the stage as the fans are chanting "Rocky!" and starts to take his mask off to prove that it's really him and not some cheap trick to get Royal Rumble Rock Returns trending on Twitter...when suddenly Yoshi Tatus spits RED MIST in his face completely covering it up so we never know if it's him and he falls off the stage through ten tables and Cole says "he's dead now, let's never speak of him again."
So Triple H is alone in the ring and he has one...except ZACH RYDER was hiding under the ring all along and he comes out to a massive pop and charges HHH...and get's backdropped out and HHH wins (of course!) Triple H then says "Miz...at Wrestlemania...the only thing that's going to be 'awesome' is the BUY RATE thanks to all the people ordering to see me KICK YOUR TEETH OFF! SUCK IT!"
Of all the Royal Rumbles in history this will certainly be one of them! Back never with nore Not Newz!
I love that WWE actually used the 'midcarder hides outside ring, almost eliminates winner at the end of the match' finish. Hot Newz with another scoop!
"It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart. The game begins in the spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall alone." --- Bart Giamatti, on baseball
Here is a problem that WWE will face with the brand-only PPVs... I can accept paying $50 for WrestleMania, or $40 for the Royal Rumble, Summerslam or Survivor Series. I will be damned, however, if I'm going to pay $40 for just the RAW roster.